Writing New Blue (tentative) [For older teens - harsh language, violence, adult situations]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="Navy"]New Blue is not the title of this story, but it is the only way to get rid of the confusion if I had called this "Princess of Blue." You see, this was originally a story that was 90% porn with some rather boring characters and a plot that didn't seem to go anywhere. Well, the basic story is one I still want to use, so I salvaged what I could of the old story and used it as a prologue for this entirely different story.

If were reading the original PoB, the prologue should look familiar as the first real chapter of the old story. However, the rest of it is all brand new. This is NOT porn - there will be no sex so take it out of your mind right now.

Also, I would like to ask that if you read my story, PLEASE comment on each chapter that you read. If I don't receive commentary on my stories, I abandon them, and Revolver doesn't count because he loves everything I write. So remember, comments and criticism, no matter how minor, are ALWAYS appreciated!!!
[CENTER][B]
Princess of Blue ~New Blue~
By: Conrad "Digital Boy" Collins[/B]

[B]Prologue[/B][/CENTER]

For a very long time, the kingdom of blue and the kingdom of red have been at peace. Ever since Queen Blue and King Red got married, the kingdoms have become like one. The heirs to both kingdoms are the young princesses Cassandra and Sophie Dredg. Our story begins on the day of Princess Cassandra's 16th birthday while the princess and the queen prepare for the ceremony. In her room, Princess Cassandra pouts over having to wear frilly clothes, and wonders if her sister Sophie, who lives in the Red Kingdom, will show up and cause a fuss.

[CENTER]***[/CENTER]

Sophie Dredg strode quietly through the front door of the Castle of Blue. Peering through the red tint of her sunglasses, her gaze encompassed all parts of the chamber. Centering the room, as expected, was a massive staircase leading to the rooms of the royal family, and the large room was dotted with doors along it?s walls. Her five inch plat formed boots tapped along the ground as she slowly advanced into the room. The candy-cane colored socks which climbed her thin legs rubbed against each other as she strode. Frilly lace decorated the bottom of her skirt which reached halfway down her thigh, decorated by a swirling pattern. Her left hand rested on the bit of skin between her skirt and her long-sleeve, button up shirt. Over her shoulder rested a purse and around her neck a bold red tie. To fend against the winter temperature, she wore crimson mittens and earmuffs with headphones built into them. [I]~And she's buying the Stairway to Heaven~[/I]

Surely her sister was on her way downstairs. Her naive, foolish sister, bound to the rules of society. Just a simple girl, living in the world of a teenager, thinking she?s unique. Sophie would have to show her the truth. Within a holster at her side rested a magnum. Above, from the hallway upstairs, she heard a door opening. From her pocket, she unwrapped a piece of gum and put it in her mouth. No emotion could be shown. Cassandra wouldn?t be able to see the sadness of a young woman who had shot her own father in his sleep.

[CENTER]?[/CENTER]

Trusting his master's word to be dressed in a moment, Gary, a servant of the Castle of Blue, was making his way down the stairs. He began to descend, but stopped, catching sight of Sophie below.

[B]?Ah! Miss Sophie, you have arrived.? [/B]As he spoke, the door to Cassandra?s room opened behind him. [B]?Miss Cassandra will be right with you.?[/B]

Sophie nonchalantly pulled out her gun. Gary?s face turned to confusion and shock. [B]?Um? M-miss Sophie, what are you-? [/B]he was cut off as a bullet pounded into his forehead.

An air-piercing scream shot from above. Cassandra watched with ultimate fear as Gary fell to the ground in a flurry of red. She rushed to him, finding him completely without consciousness. [B]"Oh my god... oh my god!!!" [/B]she kept repeating.

In a state of what seemed like impermeable calmness, Sophie casually began ascending the stairs towards her sister, who was breathing heavily and crying. Cassandra noticed her sister, but couldn?t manage to form any words

[B]?Where?s mother?? [/B]Sophie asked. With a snap, Cassandra shot from her shock into extreme anger. Jumping up, she grabbed Sophie by the collar and throttled her against the rail of the staircase.

[B]?What the fuck have you done?!?[/B] Sophie didn?t flinch, and Cassandra didn?t know what to do. She fell to her knees, stretched herself across the stairs, and lay there crying. Sophie continued.

[CENTER]?[/CENTER]

Behind the shades, tears welled in Sophie?s eyes. [I]No. No I said I wouldn?t care if he was gone.[/I] It was getting to her? she remembered how Gary had been friendly to her as a child. [I]No! No, this is more important! [/I]Taking a deep breath, she marched up the stairs. At first she wondered how the gunshots had not alarmed the queen, but she remembered that the queen's room was entirely soundproof because of the loud music Cassandra listened to.

Sophie shot the knob off the door of the Queen's room. Another scream came from behind as Cassandra heard the gunshot. Kicking the door open, Sophie immediately pointed her gun into the room, ready to crack off a shot immediately.

Queen Sapphire was standing in front of her dresser, wearing an extravagant gown. As she turned towards Sophie, the makeup she was applying fell to the floor. Her face fumed with anger.
[B]
?Put down that gun! what do you think you're doing to your own mother?!?[/B]
[B]
?I won?t fall for that again. I?m not your puppet,? [/B]Sophie said, biting back rage.

[B]?Go ahead and pull the trigger! You?ll go to prison, just like anyone else!?[/B] Sophie removed her sunglasses. Like two balls of fire, her eyes radiated with pure hatred.

[B]?I don?t care,? [/B]she pulled the trigger and the Queen?s blood splattered against the wall behind her. Sophie panted for a moment, realizing the weight of what she?d just done. There was no turning back. With belated footsteps, she journeyed back down the hall, re-equipping her sunglasses. Cassandra was still on the stairs crying.
[B]
?Mother? she?s dead isn?t she?!? [/B]Cassandra cried.

[B]?Yes.?[/B]
[B]
?WHY?! What are you going to do?!?[/B]
[B]
?Someone broke in. They assaulted and killed the queen and kidnapped you. I managed to hide until it all tided over. Meanwhile an accomplice to the criminal killed my father. Don?t ask any questions, I?ve eliminated all variables. After the funeral I?ll be the queen.?[/B]

[B]?I don?t understand!!!? [/B]Cassandra curled into a ball and sobbed intensely,

[B]?It doesn?t always happen like on TV. Sometimes you don?t get an explanation.? [/B]With a snap of her fingers, Sophie summoned two men dressed in black to her side.

[B]?Take her away.? [/B]The two men rushed over a grabbed the princess by the arms. She screamed and kicked and tried to bat them away
[B]
?Hey! No! What are you going to do to me?!? [/B]One of the men pistol whipped her and knocked her unconscious, then they dragged her back to the car and loaded her in the trunk. One of the men, wearing a finely pressed tuxedo, approached Sophie.

[B]"Satisfied?"[/B]

[B]?I had to make her die with my own hands. Get everyone in here and start setting up the scenario. We have about an hour before the ceremony was meant to be, and then everyone?s attention will be turned here. Cassandra has to be at least out of the kingdom by them. Remember, she is to be dumped off in White kingdom, the worse the alleyway you dump her in, the more you get paid.?[/B] With a salute, the man left her side. Sophie removed her sunglasses and stared at the castle.
[B]
?Once she sees the world like I do, that?s when we can rule together. See you in hell, sister.?[/B]

[B][CENTER][SIZE="3"]Chapter One: Farewell Nikki[/SIZE][/CENTER][/B]

[B][U]~FOUR YEARS LATER~[/U][/B]

No soldier aboard the train would have dared to stare through the window on their way home, were this a normal day. The dramatic transition from the beautiful, clean countryside of Silver Kingdom's rural escape to the polluted, dark, ugly slums of their home in White Kingdom was nothing short of depressing. However, for one Nikki Onew, this day was far from normal. Back at home, his wife was finishing preparations for their journey, and he was anxious to get back home more-so than any other man on that train.

His eyes were glued to window as the train chugged for hours on end. The hours were biting when every minute felt like an eternity between him and his home. Nikki pushed his shoulder-length blue hair behind his ears, only to let it down again minutes later, and repeat this process incessantly. There was an easily notable difference in appearance in him from his compatriots, all of whom had long, white hair done back in ponytails. In addition, their skins were all dark while Nikki Onew had skin that was nearly pale.

The biggest thing that set Nikki apart from his fellow soldiers, though, was that he happened to be a woman.

The others, who knew her, were aware of this, and without question they must have been shocked or dismayed by this, but Nikki also had a means of getting around these prying suspicions. Around her body she wore a silver cloak, as well as a puffy silver hat on her head. These were clear signs of a high military rank that told everyone else to avoid confrontation with her. And so, Nikki's ability to be a female soldier in a kingdom where such a thing was illegal went without question.

It also went without question that, in a kingdom where being unmarried was looked down upon, she would have a wife. Triela Onew, formerly Triela Ria, was another white-haired, dark-skinned citizen of White Kingdom who lived at home in an apartment somewhere in the infinite slums that made up White Kingdom. Triela was a bit of an odd detail herself. All the time that Nikki was away, she'd pine over her return, and the only thing which stopped her from begging Nikki desperately to leave the military was the fact that there was no other choice.

In White Kingdom, there were very little ways of life. Only men went to school, and they trained not in academics, but in military prowess. When they became of reasonable age, they were forced to join the military - there were no alternatives. The women of White Kingdom only had two choices; to become married, or to be poor.

In actuality, everyone in White Kingdom would be considered poor. All living expenses were given by the government, and their giving was sparse. Even those who had husbands in the military lived in nothing more than apartments. However, those without would have no choice but to struggle to survive, possibly by selling their bodies or committing robbery.

No one in White Kingdom knew of a time in which life was not led this time - their recorded history only went as far back as when they were forced taken over by the Silver Kingdom and forced into fighting the infinite war that raged between themselves and Gold Kingdom.

However, Nikki Onew knew what it was like to live in a peaceful kingdom. For years she had plotted how she could finally show Triela a life without fear. She wanted desperately to give her a life she deserved - where she shared rights equal with everyone and lived in conditions that could even be considered reasonable. Mostly through the notes they sent to each other, due to their long times apart, the pair had hatched out a plan.

After an hour that could have passed as a day, had it moved the sun a little more, the train was finally pulling into the station. In droves, the soldiers poured out into the station - ready to get home to their families that couldn't have trespassed on this military property. Waiting outside was the next transport - a fleet of buses, each designated a region of the city, was waiting. Only very, very few of White Kingdom owned cars, and they were only military generals.

Along with the others, Nikki packed onto her respective bus and began the much quicker, but equally antagonizing ride home. Very soon, her plan would be put into motion. It wasn't a particularly grandiose plan, nor one that would require much effort; yet the reward was the exact opposite. Most importantly, if something went wrong, it wouldn't cause much of a disturbance at all.

As the bus was just about to pass the place where she lived, Nikki suddenly jolted from her seat and cried [B]"STOP THE BUS!!!" [/B]In a state of shock, the driver immediately slammed his foot on the break and the bus screeched to an uncomfortable pause. The eyes of everyone on-board turned immediately to the back, and all at once, their expressions gaped.

[B]"FIRE!!!"[/B] Ten voices called at once realizing that the back of the bus had been set ablaze. Trying to remain calm, but with a strong pull of urgency, everyone rose from their seats and filed off the bus at maximum speed, starting with the especially paranoid driver who had never dealt with any kind of dangerous situation before. When the last man had gotten off of the bus, Nikki dashed to the front, verifying that the keys were still in place. The fire was a mere spell that would wear off in half a minute.

Across the street, on the opposite side of the bus, a young woman had crept up to the bus and snuck around the side. The moment she slid through the door and the first soldier took notice, they were already closed.

[B]"Hey!" [/B]Someone called. [B]"What the hell?!" [/B]In the drivers seat, Nikki Onew pressed her foot on the gas while Triela made a face at the soldier just before the vehicle sped off. The group of soldiers were left in awe of what was going on as the bus barreled off into the distance.

[B]"H-hey.... Hey, that's my bus!!!" [/B]The driver began to have a fit while everyone else, realizing that they were already in the neighborhood, took off to their houses.

[B][CENTER]***[/CENTER][/B]

[B]"Agh! I'm trying to drive, knock it off!"
"How can you say that?! It's been so long!!!"
"We're gunna crash, I don't know how to drive a bus!"
"Even if we crash, I'll be happy to have seen you again before I die!"
"Idiot, the whole point is that we liveOHMYGODGETOUTOFTHEROAD!!!!!"[/B]

Nikki brought the bus, moving at around 60 MPH to a stop that almost flipped the thing on it's side just before hitting a man who stood dead in the middle of the road. Triela peeked over Nikki's shoulder from behind and her face lit up even more.

[B]"It's May 3rd!" [/B]The man outside wore baggy black paints with chains hanging from them, and an open leather jacket that showed off his impressive build. Unlike the men on the train, his hair was short and disheveled.

[B]"Does he know about what we're doing?" [/B]Nikki asked, staring down at the man with an expression of annoyance.

[B]"Of course! I told him we were going to leave this place behind, and he congratulated us and said his goodbyes... maybe he wants to tell you directly, though?" [/B]The man came over to the door of the bus and knocked on the glass. Almost reluctantly, Nikki let the door open for the man's cheerful voice.

[B]"Looking for someone who can drive a bus?"
"No."[/B]
[B]
"Nikki! Are you sure?"[/B]

[B]"We don't need him with us. He will only be detrimental when we need to conserve everything we can."[/B]
[B]
"But isn't it true that three hunters undoubtedly fetch more kill?" [/B]His voice was smooth and charismatic.
[B]
"Two hunters is enough." [/B]Nikki's replies were blunt and annoyed.

[B]"Wait, Nikki, listen." [/B]Triela spoke with urgency. Nikki had found it wise to listen to her when she took herself seriously. While she could act childish when elated, Triela was remarkably intelligent, and understood the world much better than Nikki. "[B]I'm really worried about this journey, okay? While i will lead to a fulfilling end, there will be a lot of hardships along the way, especially in a case like this. Even if we push as hard as we can, it would be nearly impossible for two people to make it, and you know this. I know that it's better to die trying than never try at all, but if you do try, you have to be smart about it. Having May on our team can only help us right?"[/B]

Nikki was silent, and stared downward. Triela continued, [B]"May, I know you'll dedicate yourself to our goal and be willing to give up your life for us, right?"[/B]

May ascended the stairs and stood before Nikki, placing his hand on her shoulder. She looked up into his face, where his eyes were sincere and trusting.

[B]"I'll do anything to help, so please let me come along." [/B]Nikki closed her eyes.

[B]"Fine."[/B]
[B]"YAY!"[/B] Triela and May high-fived.
[B]"Why don't you let me take the wheel? I've had experience with driving a bus before - you two should head on back and get re-aquainted."[/B]

Hours passed, and Nikki slept with her head resting on Triela's lap. The adoring wife petted her younger husband's head and smiled at her cute sleeping face. The moon was in the sky and the hum of the bus' engine resonated through the air. Triela worried if anyone was following them - or even if anyone knew what'd happened. Part of her ruled that they could escape with absurd ease, while the other wondered if they'd be arrested by morning.

[B]"You should get to sleep, too. We'll operate in rounds - I'll drive 18 hours, then Nikki drives while I sleep. On this tank of gas we should make it a good 24 hours - these bus routes are easy to navigate so I'll probably figure out the pattern of the gas-stations by the time we need to refill." [/B]Triela nodded, half paying attention while being distracted by Nikki's breath on her legs.

[B]"You love her more than anything, don't you?"[/B] May 3rd asked, glancing back. The reply was spoken softly but boldly.

[B]"I'd die for her."[/B][/COLOR]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]I'll leave the true grammar and structure bit to Allamorph, he's far better at it than I am. It doesn't quite flow well when I'm reading it but I couldn't really tell you why. But I'm sure Allamorph could. :p [quote name='2007DigitalBoy'][COLOR="Navy"]In her room, Princess Cassandra pouts over having to wear frilly clothes, and wonders if her sister Sophie, who lives in the Red Kingdom, will show up and cause a fuss.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]I only have one question and that's to wonder why Cassandra was worried about Sophie causing a fuss. I'm going to assume that you'll go into detail on that later, but for now it doesn't really lead into the double murder very well.

As for the rest of the story, It's too soon to for me to judge the actual story, though the toss in of mentioning a spell in regards to the fire was a bit off since until that point I was getting no impression that there was any sort of magic in the story.

Anyway, I'd have to see more of it to give you a better impression of what I think since right now it's still a bit unclear in my mind as to just how the story is going to go. In other words, it's not enough for me to decide if it's the type of story I will like or not. [/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[color=Navy]^^;; it occurs to me that there are certain things I know that no one else knows which I don't realize no one else knows XD. I did intend, though, for the first chapter not to make much sense - I obviously haven't even touched the backstory here. I just don't want to do this in a boring, linear way - when you read the next chapter, you'll be very glad I did it this way, lol.

There are obviously numerous mysteries - why is Cassandra now being called Nikki, married to a woman, and registered as a man? how did she get to be a military officer? What the fucks up with May 3rd? Why did Nikki use magic? If it doesn't make sense then it means i didn't explain it yet, and that means I simply don't want you to know yet :p.

I admit, though, that I hadn't calculated the lack of magic shown thus far. As a future note, PoB is a steampunk novel with both sci-fi and fantasy elements. There's some kingdoms that thrive on the purely arcane, while others are technological wonders.[/color]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="Olive"]I hanve't read it yet, but one thing... YOU STOLEZ MY FONTS COLORSZ! :p Just kidding.

EDIT; Holy. Fucking. shit. That was your best work yet. I loved the way you opned with the story. It was kind of disorienting when you dropped use into four years later and Nikki was on a bus then... STOP! And so on, so forth. But I like that better than telling us every. Single. Fricken. Detail. This kind of reminds me of FF7. It had technological elements and it mixed magic within it which made a wonderful story.

I'm not broken that there's no sex. The fact that Nikki is married to a girl turns me on enouugh. Be enough about my fetishes. Oh I like the Nikki Owen backwords reference in the story. Ya know Co&Ca's song Junesong Provision. Newo Ikken, yeah gave it away as soon as I read it. :/

I can't wait to see the villains and other characters you will have in this tory. Plus the violance - that I'm sure you will bring - will be epic.[/color]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Revolver'][COLOR="Olive"]I hanve't read it yet, but one thing... YOU STOLEZ MY FONTS COLORSZ! :p Just kidding.

EDIT; Holy. Fucking. shit. That was your best work yet. I loved the way you opned with the story. It was kind of disorienting when you dropped use into four years later and Nikki was on a bus then... STOP! And so on, so forth. But I like that better than telling us every. Single. Fricken. Detail. This kind of reminds me of FF7. It had technological elements and it mixed magic within it which made a wonderful story.

I'm not broken that there's no sex. The fact that Nikki is married to a girl turns me on enouugh. Be enough about my fetishes. Oh I like the Nikki Owen backwords reference in the story. Ya know Co&Ca's song Junesong Provision. Newo Ikken, yeah gave it away as soon as I read it. :/

I can't wait to see the villains and other characters you will have in this tory. Plus the violance - that I'm sure you will bring - will be epic.[/color][/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Newo Ikkin - story Claudio's gf, nikki owen - real Claudios gf. In the shabutie songs, he still says 'Nikki'. The line 'Farewell Nikki' is repeate in the song Deciple's Anthem, hence the chapter title.

Yeah, the final fantasy games are Steampunk as well. The biggest proprietor of that is Final Fantasy 9 though I think I'll be more in the range of FF7-8 with my style.

As for villains - well see, this story is actually meant to have more of a calm feel, like a slice-of-life story - or basically, like Kino's Journey. You'll start to see what I mean in the 3rd or 4th chapter. There were a lot of different plans I had for the escape. The first was where he steals a military vehicle from a train car, then when I had her on the bus, I was going to make her threaten the passengers with her shotgun (yes, she has a shotgun on her at all times, a Benelli M3). However, I didn't want to make the first chapter violent like the prologue and give people the wrong idea.

However, Sopie will obviously be something badass later on :p[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina;794961][color=Navy]^^;; it occurs to me that there are certain things I know that no one else knows which I don't realize no one else knows XD. I did intend, though, for the first chapter not to make much sense - I obviously haven't even touched the backstory here. I just don't want to do this in a boring, linear way - when you read the next chapter, you'll be very glad I did it this way, lol. [/color][/QUOTE]The only problem with that is your readers aren't always going to want to stick around to find out when things are going to make sense. [QUOTE=Deus ex Machina'][color=Navy]There are obviously numerous mysteries - why is Cassandra now being called Nikki, married to a woman, and registered as a man? how did she get to be a military officer? What the fucks up with May 3rd? Why did Nikki use magic? If it doesn't make sense then it means i didn't explain it yet, and that means I simply don't want you to know yet :p.

I admit, though, that I hadn't calculated the lack of magic shown thus far. As a future note, PoB is a steampunk novel with both sci-fi and fantasy elements. There's some kingdoms that thrive on the purely arcane, while others are technological wonders.[/color][/QUOTE]Yeah, I gathered that, the mysteries and such, the only thing that really threw me for a loop was the magic bit and why they even needed to steal a bus or the reference to hunters and fetching a kill and such. It almost had too many unanswered questions crammed into the prologue and the first chapter. To give an example, you could have started off by having them steal the bus without bothering to explain the mystery of a man who is really a woman and in love with another woman.

So the only thing I see is the need to not cram so many mysteries or unusual tidbits into the very beginning. Just think of the impact it would have had on your readers to be thinking the person in love was a man and then learning later that it was in fact a woman registered as a man. Though I was never clear on whether or not her being a woman was obvious or not. Or why having a high rank would somehow protect her from the same fate of all women: to be married or poor. So it stands to reason that standing out as a woman, regardless of rank would be a bad thing.

I'd like to see more or rather understand a little better just what is going on of course. Since there is next to no background on the kingdoms, like how many, which ones use magic and which ones use technology, etc. Anyway, I'd say your off to a good start with it.

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="Navy"]Yes, she's obviously a woman; that's why it said that everyone who knew her knew she was a woman. And I thought the rank thing was obvious enough - it just meant that no one would fuck with her. And as for stealing a bus, well I explained that no one has cars and they need to escape - it stands to reason that if they need a vehicle, they'd take the only one available to them >_> in addition the hunters thing was an analogy. Rach, how the hell did you get stumped on all the easy questions?[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina'][COLOR="Navy"]Yes, she's obviously a woman; that's why it said that everyone who knew her knew she was a woman. And I thought the rank thing was obvious enough - it just meant that no one would fuck with her. And as for stealing a bus, well I explained that no one has cars and they need to escape - it stands to reason that if they need a vehicle, they'd take the only one available to them >_> in addition the hunters thing was an analogy. Rach, how the hell did you get stumped on all the easy questions?[/COLOR][/QUOTE]You missed what I meant, if they are trying to escape, why make such a fuss when they could take the bus from place to place? You know, to avoid drawing attention to themselves as long as possible. It's not a matter of being stumped it's a matter of wondering. You also missed my point about the woman, in a society where women have no rights, or rather are either married or poor, it would draw attention to her that she was highly ranked. It's a bit too pat that she's up there and no one would bother her. Yes you'll probably cover this in the background, but at the moment it doesn't really fit in my opinion. Which by the way is my opinion only. Since gaining such a high rank in only four years is a bit of a stretch as far as the military goes.

Also, if your readers are questioning things that you think are obvious... re-read what you've done to see if there's a reason why they are saying that. Don't assume that they are stumped on easy questions. :p Try looking to see if there's a way to modify the writing to make it flow smoother. Or if you've forgotten something, it's easy for you to see it since it's your story. Where I on the other hand, can only go on what I see. I don't know how she got the rank I don't know if traveling from sector to sector is restricted or not and thus requiring them to steal a bus so quickly.

In other words... why the hell are you assuming I'm stumped instead of looking to see if I have a valid point or if you missed explaining something?

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Okay, see Rach, but the way you worded any of those questions the FIRST time reads totally differently. You should've explained it that way the first time :p

And anyway, I did things this way because linearity [i]sucks hard ass[/i] and so I wanted to drop you right into the story, let you see what's going on, [i]and then[/i] tell you why. I did give you hints (I.E. Nikki can use magic: perhaps this has something to do with her military rank?) but if I outright explained it, I'd have nothing for chapter two, yaknow?

And anyway, I guess I might've not made it clear what was going on with the bus, but like Triela was thinking, 'they could've been right behind us' (paraphrase) so they are sort of 'on the run' for hijacking a bus, but also I just figured they wanted to get the fuk out of White Kingdom lol.

Okay, just hold all further questions till after Ch2 since pretty much everything is answered there anyway (i was hoping Allamorph would step in before I went to write it, though...)[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina'][COLOR="DarkOrange"]Okay, see Rach, but the way you worded any of those questions the FIRST time reads totally differently. You should've explained it that way the first time :p[/COLOR][/QUOTE]That's what happens when I try to respond to something when I'm really tired. XP I don't get it explained properly. I swear, these extra practices are driving me nuts! Even though I like it.

And speaking of that... I have to get cleaned up and head out in an hour and a half for yet another one. So I'll check for the second chapter later today, or the next time I'm on. Which might not be until Saturday.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina][COLOR="DarkOrange"'](i was hoping Allamorph would step in before I went to write it, though...)[/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]

[CENTER]GON


BACKSON[/CENTER]



[/FONT]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"]Well since the others already covered what I was going to say, I'll simply wait for the next part to be posted. This is really just more of a post to say, yes I read it and yes I do intend to read the next part. ^_~[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]I have basically nil to do today, so since it's Friday, I am designating this as literature day. I've got a good bit of stuff I want to knock out, so I'll edit this later when I get through with the selection.

Time to burn the pencils and melt the pens.[/FONT]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="77656"]I guess DB has abanded another story, sad becase I was looking forword to chapter 2.[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Gunslinger'][COLOR="77656"]I guess DB has abanded another story, sad becase I was looking forword to chapter 2.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[COLOR="Navy"]I am currently working on New Blue alongside another story that won't be shown on OB. however, I spent all of lat week doing HW and all this weekend is dedicated to anime.

Never speak too soon. I'm a very busy man. [/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Well, looks like I won't need to edit, since you've kindly gone and posted. In that case, let's get started.

"There might be some momentary discomfort."


[CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER]

I'm going to start off by telling you pretty much the same thing I tell everybody else: you as the author are in the unique position of already having the story clearly (one would hope) envisioned in your head. No one else has that luxury. I think you kind of grasp this already, but I don't think the concept has completely registered...which is fine.

So let's just run over it again real quick-like. Since your audience has no knowledge whatsoever of your universe, they know only what you tell them. This not only means that you explain thoroughly what you tell them, but that you also explain thoroughly what you [I]don't[/I] tell them.

[QUOTE][COLOR="Navy"][I]^^;; it occurs to me that there are certain things I know that no one else knows which I don't realize no one else knows XD. I did intend, though, for the first chapter not to make much sense - I obviously haven't even touched the backstory here. I just don't want to do this in a boring, linear way....[/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE]
I understand, but timeline and content are not necessarily the same thing. Controlling the order in which the audience is aware of chronologically important information is not a bad thing; a lot of authors do that anyway. You still need to make sure the reader understands that they're not supposed to understand yet. You'll see what I mean as we go.

[CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER]

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]For a very long time, the kingdom of blue and the kingdom of red have been at peace. Ever since Queen Blue and King Red got married, the kingdoms have become like one.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
That's all the intro we get? We don't even know what these kingdoms are yet; is it important that they're at peace, or is that kind of a normal thing? Did they have a past history of violence? More importantly, are they the only kingdoms around, or are there other nearby principalities, and is conflict normal for those feifdoms or not?

I mean, think about your audience's position, here. All we know from your first sentence is that there's this kingdom called [COLOR="Red"]red[/COLOR] (for whatever reason) and there's this kingdom called [COLOR="Blue"]blue[/COLOR] (for whatever reason), they don't capitalize their names (for whatever reason :p ), and ....... they're, umm, not ... fighting.

Righty-[I]O.[/I]

Your second statement tells us a little of why there's peace, but again, it's still really bare-bones. Was the primary motivator for the marriage love, or political security? And you don't even have to tell us the truth right away. You can say what [I]ostensibly[/I] happened, what the common people were told, and not give anything away about whatever dastardly plot might have been hatched between the two rulers while their parents (or initial spouses; remember arranged marriages) were still alive. And even then, there are sure to be rumors flying around the countrysides of [COLOR="Red"]red[/COLOR] and [COLOR="Blue"]blue[/COLOR], started by God-knows-who, (Prem? :p ) about the "real" reasons for the marriage. They might be true; they might be tales concocted by restless, malcontent peasants.

Ya. These things be complicated. All the more reason to just have fun with it. Provided your fun works in the story, of course.

And so we are told of the heirs. Who are they? What do they look like? What [I]are[/I] they like? What [I]do[/I] they like? Do they like kittens, hunting, drawing, sleeping, gin, scotch, bourbon, rye, wine, scotch, bourbon, gin....?

[I]*kick'd*[/I]

Ahem. Moving on....

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Our story begins....[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Whoa. Stop right there. No. No, no, no no no no no. If you do this, you are [I][U]required[/U][/I] to either actively and openly participate as a vocal narrator or create a Narrator personality to actively participate in your stead. Whether or not you did so in the previous three sentences is uncertain, but nowhere else in the rest of your excerpt did you use this format. It's a nice effect, but you [I]have[/I] to have consistency in what you do. Effect is great ? Jim Butcher is magnificent with it ? but it must be used in the right places.

Personally, I find that that type of narration is more suitable for comedy and children's stories. I'm pretty certain that this isn't either one. (Gore and lesbians for six-year-olds! Hooray! :p )

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Our story begins on the day of Princess Cassandra's 16th birthday while the princess and the queen prepare for the ceremony.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Spell out "sixteenth".

What ceremony? What preparations? Is Cassandra looking forward to it, or dreading it?

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]In her room, Princess Cassandra pouts over having to wear frilly clothes, and wonders if her sister Sophie, who lives in the Red Kingdom, will show up and cause a fuss.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Good with the pouting, but here would be a great place for a small snippet of dialogue to showcase her sentiments, as well as to pull out bits of hers and her mother's personalities. We can learn just from a few exchanges how the Queen Blue feels about her daughter, the ceremony, Sophie (or at least Cassandra's concerns about Sophie), and maybe even the King Red; and that's just from one side of the conversation.

The effect that dialogue will have here, following the introduction the way it does, is that of slowly zooming in. You'll also be able to transition less like whiplash to Sophie's entrance later on.

Also, is Sophie prone to causing fusses? (This could also be handled during the dialogue, or during a brief foray into Cassandra's thoughts between spoken lines.)

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Peering through the red tint of her sunglasses, her gaze encompassed all parts of the chamber.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
So her gaze is peering through the .... Ya. When you use this syntax, make certain your main subject is doing the verb-at-the-beginning-of-the-sentence. Also, I don't think I'd use "encompassed" there:
[INDENT][I]Peering through the red tint of her [designer?] sunglasses, [U]she[/U] swept her gaze across the entire chamber.[/I][/INDENT]
Sophie is the one doing the peering. Not her gaze. Gazes don't peer. :p (Gazes can be peering, adjectively speaking.)

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Centering the room, as expected, was a massive staircase leading to the rooms of the royal family, and the large room was dotted with doors along it?s walls.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
The "as expected" line is a little disorienting. [I]We[/I] certainly don't expect the staircase to be there. Obviously Sophie does, but you'll need to distinguish between the two. Also, is it spiral, or does it start in the center of the room and go backwards?

And instead of the large room being dotted with doors, try saying [I]"numerous (or synonym) doors dotted the walls of the large (definitely synonym; expansive?) room"[/I]. It's more interesting that way.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Her five inch plat formed boots tapped along the ground as she slowly advanced into the room. The candy-cane colored socks which climbed her thin legs rubbed against each other as she strode. Frilly lace decorated the bottom of her skirt which reached halfway down her thigh, decorated by a swirling pattern. Her left hand rested on the bit of skin between her skirt and her long-sleeve, button up shirt. Over her shoulder rested a purse and around her neck a bold red tie. To fend against the winter temperature, she wore crimson mittens and earmuffs with headphones built into them.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Very nice detail. Still, your sentences are basically the same, and so the image you're painting is somewhat lost by the fact that you're redundant. You could make three sentences out of the six you have there, or maybe even two, and that description would feel considerably better.

(And now I have to try....)
[INDENT][SIZE="1"][align=justify]Long candy-cane colored socks rose from tight, black leather platform boots up to her thighs, stopping just short of the lace-frilled bottom of her flamboyant black skirt, which was decorated with mesmerizing white swirls and rested on several layers of petticoat-like undergarments so that it flounced outward instead of down. Her formal, long-sleeve white blouse doesn't quite reach down to her skirt's waist, leaving visible a tantalizing strip of cream-colored skin, and a bold red necktie rests loosely around her neck, tied well below the open button of her collar. Her hands and ears are protected by crimson faux-fur mittens and earmuffs; the thumb of her left hand is hooked casually behind her skirt's elastic waistband, and her right arms swings free, a small black leather purse slung over her right shoulder by one strap. Strains of [I]Stairway to Heaven[/I] drift out from the headphones built into her earmuffs.[/align][/SIZE][/INDENT]

Okay, so obviously with all the crap I threw in there, two sentences just wasn't gonna happen. And even though I'm sure you can see the difference between the two descriptions, I really don't think I did all that well with it; I mean, you can see how easily I let myself switch to present tense between my first and second sentences.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Surely her sister was on her way downstairs.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
From this, I can infer that Sophie knows of the ceremony and somewhat of its timing, but it's not an immediately obvious connection, so you should really say a bit more there. Sophie's plans at this point don't even need to be mentioned; just talk a little about the ceremony.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Her naive, foolish sister, bound to the rules of society. Just a simple girl, living in the world of a teenager, thinking she?s unique. Sophie would have to show her the truth.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
This makes absolutely no sense. Nothing in Sophie's as-yet revealed personality lines up with this. Actually, nothing of her personality (save her outfit) has been revealed at all, so what I'm saying is that there's no precedent. Build Sophie's jaded outlook more, so that the line about showing Cassandra the truth actually has emotional impact, instead of more whiplash.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Within a holster at her side rested a magnum.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Should have placed this in the description ? which, I might add, still failed to say anything about her physical appearance.

Also, it's a magnum, and she's one-handing the sucker when she fires it. Magnums are heavy, dude. Does that seem right to you? Justify, justify.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Above, from the hallway upstairs, she heard a door opening. From her pocket, she unwrapped a piece of gum and put it in her mouth. No emotion could be shown. Cassandra wouldn?t be able to see the sadness of a young woman who had shot her own father in his sleep.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Because you have two sentences at the beginning of this portion, it feels like [I]both[/I] of those pieces of information are important; I get the feeling that neither are. Regardless, one of those thoughts needs to be subordinated, and the sentences need to be joined. It doesn't really matter which one. Try it both ways to see which version you like. Basically, doing this will help with the disjointed flow you've got going.

Bad wording about the emotionlessness. [I]"No emotion [U]could be seen[/U] [on her face?]...."[/I] The way you had it before made it sound like a medical condition. Also, is she really feeling sad, or did you just toss that in because it sounded good? From her tone later, I sincerely doubt that Sophie Dredg is feeling any sort of remorse at all...unless this whole sequence of events is due to outside coercion. I'll come back to that.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Trusting his master's word [COLOR="Red"]that she would[/COLOR] be dressed in a moment, Gary, a servant of the Castle of Blue, was making his way down the stairs. He began to descend, but stopped, catching sight of Sophie below.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
First, Gary can't be descending before he starts to descend. That makes no sense. :p

Second, for you to give so little information about Gary, I find it odd that you named him. Naming implies importance on some level; obviously he is emotionally important to both girls, from what I glean later, but you need to play that up more. Much more. Otherwise he's just a random Gary.

Remember my second post from SD? In it I talked about Nathan living in that apartment:
[QUOTE][SIZE="1"][align=justify]Nathan?s ?house? was actually an unused apartment on the top floor of a complex on the east side of the city. It was a fairly well-populated complex, but Nathan had managed to convince the landlord and several of the more permanently established denizens that the apartment was the dwelling place of some spirit or other, which currently wasn?t far from the truth. Of course, this required that Nathan perform the odd apparitionary tasks every couple of years or so to show that the spirit of the apartments hadn?t yet passed on, but as long as he got to keep his own place, he didn?t mind all that much. In fact, he kind if enjoyed it; just last year he had played an intense chess match against the fifty-four year old Joel Robertson of 207B. The graying man had once been a local tournament champion in his youth and had finished in the top ten at the state level several times. Needless to say, Nathan had been very pleased, if a bit disappointed at having to make Robertson lose to an invisible ghost.[/align][/SIZE][/QUOTE]
Of all the "denizens" of that apartment complex, I only named Robertson; I didn't even name the complex itself. Later I named Victor L'Envers, and eventually provided the (first) name of his lackey through dialogue, but nobody else in either of those posts got an actual name. Names are very important.

(Of course, I'd rather not be pulling my own material as examples, but it was available and easy to get to.)

Third, the beginning of that paragraph felt awkward. Hence the red.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Ah! Miss Sophie, you have arrived.?[/B] As he spoke, the door to Cassandra?s room opened behind him. [B]?Miss Cassandra will be right with you.?[/B][/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
I'd use a speech tag there. (I don't know the technical name for them; said, greeted, called, you get the idea.)

I also would have made more of the door opening. Did either of them hear it, or did the sound go unnoticed by both of them? I know it's important because obviously Cassandra comes out of it in time to see Gary shot, but that was still inference on my part; you never actually explained how Cassandra gets in sight of Gary.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie nonchalantly pulled out her gun. Gary?s face turned to confusion and shock. ?Um? M-miss Sophie, what are you-? he was cut off as a bullet pounded into his forehead.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Crunchy. You can do better.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]An air-piercing scream shot from above. Cassandra watched with ultimate fear as Gary fell to the ground in a flurry of red. She rushed to him, finding him completely without consciousness. [B]"Oh my god... oh my god!!!"[/B] she kept repeating.

In a state of what seemed like impermeable calmness, Sophie casually began ascending the stairs towards her sister, who was breathing heavily and crying. Cassandra noticed her sister, but couldn?t manage to form any words[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
This section is a showcase of bad descriptions, as well as really awkward focus changes:
[list][*]"An air-piercing scream shot from above" bothers me. I definitely don't like "shot"; "cut" seems more appropriate, and I'm sure there's a better way to work that bit.
[*]"ultimate fear" = cringe
[*]"flurry of red" can be better. "Shower" would be preferable, as would "mist", or some such [U]moist[/U] word. "Flurry" reminds one of snow (which is frozen) or feathers (which is just a strange image).
[*]"finding him completely without consciousness" is unnecessarily long. He's dead, Jim. I think little Cassie can pick up on that part. :p
[*]"impermeable calmness" = cringe
[*]"breathing heavily and crying" is usually known as sobbing uncontrollably.
[*]Therefore, it makes complete sense that Cassie can't speak. She's sobbing uncontrollably. :p[/list]
[list][*]The shift from Sophie to Cassie needs more than just an ear-splitting shriek.
[*]Likewise, the shift from Sophie to Cassie in the second paragraph there also feels forced. If it was supposed to stay with Cassie from before, then make sure that's clear.[/list]

I really think you tried too hard with that section. :animesmil

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Where?s mother??[/B] Sophie asked. With a snap, Cassandra shot from her shock into extreme anger. Jumping up, she grabbed Sophie by the collar and throttled her against the rail of the staircase.

[B]?What the fuck have you done?!?[/B] [/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Cassandra's actions here are completely out of character. Naive little girls who pout about wearing frills and who worry about their sisters causing fusses [I]do not[/I] beat people against stair railings, even if they happen to be in shock.

Also, the language is you speaking, and not Cassandra. Watch that, and make sure it's consistent with the character's personality at the time, as well as the particular time period. I was under the impression that the F-bomb was a fairly recent innovation....

And I'd like you to envision a person as they stretch themselves across stairs. ([I]*sigh*[/I] Yes, DB, they can be female, and they can be wearing whatever. I don't care.) The act is somewhat leisurely, no? (All right, wipe that stupid grin off your face. That's just immature.) I'm pretty sure Cassie either flung herself down on the stairs or collapsed there. She's under too much stress to be relaxed right now.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie continued.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Yeah? [I]And?[/I] Continued what? [I]To be[/I] continued? Next time, on Dragonball Z?

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Behind the shades, tears welled in Sophie?s eyes. No. No I said I wouldn?t care if he was gone. It was getting to her? she remembered how Gary had been friendly to her as a child. No! No, this is more important! Taking a deep breath, she marched up the stairs.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
I'll give you that you're establishing now why Gary was important, but since you should have done that a little already, you [I]really[/I] need to play this section up. Sophie doesn't feel jack about her mom (and [I]I[/I] don't think she feels jack about her dad), but Gary meant something to her. Make the reader hurt for Sophie. Pull some heartstrings.

Oh, and I don't think you should have used "shades" there. That's slang. Speech uses slang.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]At first she wondered how the gunshots had not alarmed the queen, but she remembered that the queen's room was entirely soundproof because of the loud music Cassandra listened to.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Oh, [I]give[/I] me a break. That's just too convenient.

I'll give you that you tried to make sense out of it, but ... oh, man. :animesigh

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie shot the knob off the door of the Queen's room. Another scream came from behind as Cassandra heard the gunshot.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Combine.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Kicking the door open, Sophie immediately pointed her gun into the room, ready to crack off a shot immediately.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Good night! Was this chick trained by the fuzz?! Either that, or she's a Terminator.

[I]"Sawah Cahnneaugh!! It's not a too-maugh!! Aaauughhh!!!"[/I]

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Queen Sapphire was standing in front of her dresser, ....[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Wait a second. This woman's [I]name[/I] is Sapphire. Her parents must have been the biggest jerks in history. Ugh.

Anyway:

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Queen Sapphire was standing in front of her dresser, wearing an extravagant gown. As she turned towards Sophie, the makeup she was applying fell to the floor. Her face fumed with anger.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
About that makeup.... I have this mental image of Uma Thurman, and all her makeup suddenly drops off her face in one big mass of goo, and [I]OH GOD!!![/I] she's Barbara Walters underneath. :animedepr

Sorry. I know what you mean there, but that's what it looks like. (Ew.)

I don't think you want to say "her face..." there, unless you say her face [I]was[/I] something. Otherwise, just say [I]she[/I] did it. (Yeah, Cassie. [I]Your Mom.[/I] :rolleyes: )

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Put down that gun! what do you think you're doing to your own mother?!?

?I won?t fall for that again. I?m not your puppet,? [/B]Sophie said, biting back rage.

[B]?Go ahead and pull the trigger! You?ll go to prison, just like anyone else!?[/B][/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
First, what the devil did Sophie fall for the first time? The "I'm your mother" line?

Also, it's here that I begin to suspect that either all is not right with the world in Red/Blue land (wouldn't that be Purple? :p ), or Sophie is the red-headed stepchild of this oh-so-happy family. Going back to the beginning, the prison reference makes me think that the marriage of the two rulers was more for political power than anything else.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie removed her sunglasses. Like two balls of fire, her eyes radiated with pure hatred.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Make this its own paragraph. Better effect that way.

Also, I'll give you credit for that analogy. Reverse its order and you'll be great. Also think about semicolon-ing there for one sentence. (It's iffy, but still worth considering.)

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?I don?t care,?[/B] she pulled the trigger and the Queen?s blood splattered against the wall behind her. Sophie panted for a moment, realizing the weight of what she?d just done. There was no turning back. With belated footsteps, she journeyed back down the hall, re-equipping her sunglasses. Cassandra was still on the stairs crying.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
I feel another speech tag is needed before Sophie shoots her mother. The way you wrote it feels like you forgot you were going to attach Sophie's phrase to the sentence and decided to make a completely separate sentence, but somehow forgot to capitalize "She". Whatever the reason, it's kinda clunky; at least use Sophie's name again there. Also, I thought the Queen was applying makeup. Isn't she still in front of her mirror, or did she move? For some reason that sentence reads like the Queen's blood managed to splatter behind Sophie, and I think if you let it hit the mirror instead it'll be more clear. Besides, blood on mirrors is kind of grotesque. Bonus effect points.

Why is Sophie panting like that? Why is there no turning back? Elaborate, even if it's just a tease saying something vague about plans, or something.

Equipped: sunglasses. Coolness +1. (In other words, bad wording.)

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Mother? she?s dead isn?t she?!?[/B] Cassandra cried.

[B]?Yes.?[/B] [/COLOR][FONT=Arial](Speech tag here.)[/FONT][COLOR=Navy]

[B]?WHY?! What are you going to do?!?

?Someone broke in. They assaulted and killed the queen and kidnapped you. I managed to hide until it all tided over. Meanwhile an accomplice to the criminal killed my father. Don?t ask any questions, I?ve eliminated all variables. After the funeral I?ll be the queen.?[/B]

[B]?I don?t understand!!!? [/B]Cassandra curled into a ball and sobbed intensely,

[B]?It doesn?t always happen like on TV. Sometimes you don?t get an explanation.?[/B] With a snap of her fingers, Sophie summoned two men dressed in black to her side.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
A decent bit of dialogue here, but because the rest of the narrative is mostly devoid of it in all the places that want it, it feels out of place here. It also feels rushed.

So Sophie just told Cassie the cover story. That and her last line there make me think that she isn't feeling anything at all, especially with the lack of speech tags to show emotion (or no emotion). It's okay to leave them out, but don't do it habitually. I tend to use them in quick-fire exchanges where the general emotions really don't change all that much, or are quite obvious.

Summon: Bouncers.

...anyway, you can word her authority better. You should also add the "Take her away" to that last paragraph there, since it fits better and Sophie's still speaking.

Oh, and watch your punctuation.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]The two men rushed over [COLOR="Red"]and[/COLOR] grabbed the princess by the arms. She screamed and kicked and tried to bat them away

[COLOR="Navy"]?Hey! No! What are you going to do to me?!?[/COLOR] One of the men pistol whipped her and knocked her unconscious, then they dragged her back to the car and loaded her in the trunk. One of the men, wearing a finely pressed tuxedo, approached Sophie.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Punctuation again.

Also, I'm assuming that that was Cassie speaking there. You didn't say. Also, that action sequence needs reworking. Too many separate actions, and you said "one of the men" too many time. There can be only one "one". The other is "the other". :p Also, you can use other things to describe them, such as "the man on her left arm".

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]"Satisfied?"

?I had to make her die with my own hands. Get everyone in here and start setting up the scenario. We have about an hour before the ceremony was meant to be, and then everyone?s attention will be turned here. Cassandra has to be at least out of the kingdom by them. Remember, she is to be dumped off in White kingdom, the worse the alleyway you dump her in, the more you get paid.?[/B] With a salute, the man left her side. Sophie removed her sunglasses and stared at the castle.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Need more speech tags. Clarify who is speaking. Definitely after Sophie finishes, so it doesn't seem quite so abrupt when Mr. Tuxedo salutes and departs.

Also, Sophie's speech seems to alter between her first and second lines there. Throw in a pause to play that up, because the audience won't pick up on that.

Also also:
[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Remember, she is to be dumped off in White kingdom, the worse the alleyway you dump her in, the more you get paid.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
You definitely need either a period or a semicolon after kingdom, not a comma.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]?Once she sees the world like I do, that?s when we can rule together. See you in hell, sister.?[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
What the devil was [I]that[/I] about? Maybe when you get more content in, it'll make sense, but currently it just seems like you wanted her to say something "badass".


[CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER]

Cassandra and Sophie, eh? Sophitia, perhaps? Soul Caliber, anyone? :p

That aside, I think you've got the conceptual makings of a good political intrigue/hardcore action novel. You just need to build your skills some more.

The best thing you can do is read. And not just anything, either; I don't count R.L. Stine or whoever wrote the Animorphs (excepting the novel; that was okay). You need to read books by people who know how to write. Tolkien, Conan Doyle, Fleming, Gardner, Clancy, Grisham, Asimov, O.S. Card, Brooks, Goodkind, as far as names with whom I am recently or intimately familiar with. Search around for others in other genres; I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy Jacqueline Carey (The Kushiel's Legacy series), knowing your tastes.

The reason I say this is because we learn through imitation. It's like with walking, talking, eating, dressing, playing sports, etc. We learn to do all these things by watching someone else do them first. Writing is the same way: we learn to write by imitating what we have read, or what we have [I]seen others write[/I].

I don't say this just because I think reading is fun. I do think that, naturally, but it's only a pleasurable side effect. If a person wants to be a good writer then they must learn to write from someone, and if they do not have tangible people to teach them , books are the absolute next best thing. (I don't count English teachers. You have no idea how restricted those poor souls are. They can't teach what they need to, and so their students get insanely bored. But I'm digressing.)

At any rate, I'm tired. I'll look at Chapter One...

Later.

-A[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]lol, Allamorph I wish you'd have just done the first chapter since the prologue was copypaste from over a year ago ^^;; I did almost no editing except for the peoples' names. But anyway, thanks for the help, even if you went overboard, lol. (the reason I say you went overboard is that if every piece of it is bad, you could have just said it was all bad, lol. Either way it's tl'dr for most of it, sorry).

When it comes to learning through imitation... it's difficlut becaus eI hate feeling like I'm ripping someone off. 90% of the stories I start (none I show here, btw) copy the style of my favorite novel Boogiepop and Others and every time I end up deleting it uz I feel like I'm just copying it, lol. However, looking back at PoB and AtA which I wrote recently (AtA is irrevocably bad, though) one of the biggest problems is that I tried to write a movie/show. See, I don't really like books that much, i've got a thing for cinema, and I ended up trying to copy styles from that realm instead, which doesn't work all that well. At all.

Anywho, thanks for the tips. [/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina][COLOR="DarkOrange"'](the reason I say you went overboard is that if every piece of it is bad, you could have just said it was all bad, lol.)[/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Of course, that only because you're [I]assuming[/I] I just said everything was bad. I didn't. I was markedly vague about it; all I said about the piece as a whole was that it wasn't great, and the parts where I went through the trouble of specifically saying "Ouch" were instance-only. Utlimate fear, for example. :p

But no, it's not completely and utterly awful. It's about average for someone with your experience, so even though I did essentially dissect you there, it's only to help you make yourself better. If I was going to utterly crush you, I'd have done so.

And if you notice, I said very little about grammar and syntax. I had two reasons for that: one, I was focusing primarily on content for you; two, there's very little technically wrong with your syntax, really. It's pretty basic, meaning you need to read accomplished authors more, but it's not incorrect.

[QUOTE][I][COLOR="DarkOrange"]When it comes to learning through imitation... it's difficlut becaus eI hate feeling like I'm ripping someone off.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE]
Don't. At least, don't worry quite so much, because it's going to happen. I mean, think how many times current musical artists have ripped off Pachelbel's Canon. [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM"][COLOR="Blue"]Thou Shalt Click.[/COLOR][/URL] And people like Bach, who wrote hundreds of pieces of music during his life, frequently borrowed material from their contemporaries, who usually returned the favor.

Plagiarism is only direct copying, my boy. You can't sue someone because they used the Good vs. Evil concept, or the Hot Gun-toting Chicks concept. That'd be tantamount to saying Carolyn Keene (Nacy Drew author) paigarized Franklin W. Dixon (Hardy Boys author). Both had a trio of leads and their supporting attachments (male and female appropriately), but nobody ever got head-up about it.

[QUOTE][COLOR=DarkOrange][I]90% of the stories I start (none I show here, btw) copy the style of my favorite novel Boogiepop and Others and every time I end up deleting it uz I feel like I'm just copying it, lol.[/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE]
See, this is why you need to read more; it'll give you a wider base to work from. Having mostly read this novel (which falls in the Graphic novel genre, correct?), you have already severely limited yourself. Also, I remember you mentioning to me earlier that unless I told you something of a book's plot, you wouldn't go for it. You're going to have to change that. :animesmil

(I'm dead serious about J. Carey. Trust me.)

[QUOTE][COLOR=DarkOrange][I]However, looking back at PoB and AtA which I wrote recently (AtA is irrevocably bad, though) one of the biggest problems is that I tried to write a movie/show. See, I don't really like books that much, i've got a thing for cinema, and I ended up trying to copy styles from that realm instead, which doesn't work all that well. At all.

Anywho, thanks for the tips. [/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE]
:animesigh

There's nothing saying you can't write a cinematic novel. Jim Butcher also does [I]that[/I] extremely well, which is why partly Sci-Fi turned it into a series. You just need to learn what words stimulate the desired response of your audience's Third Eye, and then learn which word needs to go where. And that will come with time and experience.

...like most everything does. :p

I'll get to Ch. 1 when I have another long stretch of free time.[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Thanks for the advice again, but again there's some troubles. I'm really serious about you at least describing the book in part, lol. I am very picky. For instance, I pretty much don't like Fantasy or Sci-fi at all >_> Which is weird, since PoB is sort of in-between the two lol. And the reason I need you to describe the story is simply because I am not going to go out of my way for something that might not interest me, when I've got enough things that do interest me on my plate. And believe me, I read quite slow.

Ans anyway, Boogiepop isn't a graphic novel >_> there's one based on it, but it's a thoroughbred novel, lol. But yeah, my horizons deserve to be expanded. [/COLOR]