Writing 2572: The Atreyune Chronicles

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Welcome to the latest, and possibly the last story I'll write, 2572. [B]2572[/B] comes in two volumes, The Atreyune Chronicles being the first part of the two-part story. I warn you, this story will be filled with graphic violance, harsh language, and sexual themes.

Ahead of you is the first 5 chapters of the story, so if you read and wish to continue later so be it.Feedback would be apreciated too please, even if you've only read a few Chapters.

[CENTER][B][U]TABLE OF CONTENTS[/U][/B]
[B]Chapter I:[/B] The Kingdom of Heleja
[B]Chapter II: [/B]Patience is Crap
[B]Chapter III: [/B]The Plan
[B]Chapter IV:[/B] The Clincher
[B]Chapter V:[/B] The Red Filters Through

[B][U]CHAPTER 1: THE KINGDOM OF HELEJA[/U][/B][/CENTER]

The western continent was usually warm, and the sun shone most of the year. The western continent was the second largest of the five. The largest being the central continent, and the smallest being the eastern. Fifty miles inland, the Kingdom of Heleja stands, a large, very quiet Kingdom. Cars zooming in the streets, people walking on the sidewalks. It was a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon, and the Kingdom was doing well.

The Castle, stood a few miles away from the Kingdom, but was still within it?s two mile high walls, that protected the kingdom?s insides. The castle?s courtyard was the connecting point between the castle and the rest of the city. The castle was four stories tall, and was made from a very hard stone known as Viomite. The castle was probably most famous for Queen Andréa Heleja, who?s beauty touched many.

Our tale begins with her son, Higar Helaja. A student at Leo Chevelle Academy, a school dedicated to martial arts and fighting. During the summer vacation, Higar spent three months with his personal tutor, Harold Fulton, who is also one of the best teachers at the academy, as well as a child prodigy. Now, the beginning of the new school year is coming, and Higar is ready for any new challenges he might face.
[CENTER]___[/CENTER]

The warm fall wind caressed the air, flowing ever so softly. The trees were becoming red, orange and brown, leaving only a few green leaves left to be seen. The sky was cloudy, yet the sun was out, faintly. It was warm, but not too hot out, making it the perfect day to be outside. The kingdom?s walls were a dark gray, yet they held a warm, loving feeling inside them.

The castle itself, was a vibrant mix of gray stones, and red banners that hung down like beautiful curtains. A fountain was in the middle of the courtyard, spewing cool, clean water from statues of angels. The cobblestone walkway looked worn, and yet they still held beauty. Trees lined the path leading to the rest of the kingdom, and the gateway into the castle itself, was covered with flowers and vines.

The inside of the castle was even greater looking than the rest of the kingdom itself. The walls were embroidered with a light red lace, and flags with the Helejian Family Crest, swayed in the light breeze that blew in from the windows.

Further down the castle was the throne room, a gigantic room that was home to the Queen?s throne, the queen herself had beautiful long, red hair that lightly touched the floor, her robe a shining white. She held a scepter, an ancient scepter. It had a crescent shaped gem on the top. It was a royal tool that only the queen could hold, it showed that her blood was pure, and that she was indeed, a member of Helejian decent.

Her son, Higar Heleja, was a talented young 15 year old boy. He had short blue hair, and his eyes were an odd red color, as the people in his family all had red eyes - except for his adoptive sister Johanna, who had blue eyes. Higar wasn?t very popular in school, despite being born into royalty, which might explain why he isn?t popular, due to jealousy.

Higar was in his room, he had just returned from three months of training, and he was beat. But most of all, he was happy to be home.

Higar?s room was actually, two rooms. The room where his bed and computer was, and a room where his weights and other training equipment was. Higar had worn out half the machines he used, and they were worn out even more due to his friend Salo coming over all the time. This of coarse raised suspicion about the two being closeted lovers, which wasn?t true. Higar has however, a small love interest with his other friend, Konata. Her parents were always away, and during the summer vacation, she stayed at the castle with Higar?s sister, due to her parents having to leave.

Higar was resting on his bed, in his hand he held a stone that he found during his training. The had a weird shape, like an animal was fossilized into it. But, this was just Higar imagining things. Ever since he found the stone, he?s held it close to him, in his pocket, in his book bag, and lately in his bed. For some reason, it felt special to him.

Across the room was Salo, he was on Higar?s computer looking up random stuff. Konata was sitting on the bed with Higar, she was looking at his stone, wondering what it was that was imprinted on it. She was memorized by Higar throwing the stone in the air and catching it.

[b]?Are we just going to sit here and watch that dumb rock go into the air??[/b] Konata asked. Her head was still raising and lowering as she gazed into the stone.

[b]?If it?s dumb, how come you?re staring at it like a horny little girl??[/b] Salo asked. Higar chuckled under his breath. Konata gave him a glare. Higar just frowned and stopped laughing.

[b]?So, you guys ready to go back to school tomorrow, or would you rather have this vacation last another month??[/b] Higar asked. Konata shrugged, and Salo just yawned. ?[b]You all seem so enthusiastic about it don?t you??[/b] Higar sat up at the edge of his bed and looked at the window on the ceiling. Light shone in from outside, and the sun was very hot. Salo got off the computer and walked over to the door.

[b]?Well, we better get home before it gets too late, our parents want us to get ready for tomorrow.Well see you two later.?[/b] Salo waved goodbye and walked out the door. Konata got up and walked over to the door as well.

[b]?See you at school Higar, I?ll try and call or something! Hugs, bye!?[/b] Konata blew a kiss and walked out of Higar?s room.

Higar rolled over to his side and stared at the room. It had been a long time since Higar had seen his black walls, and red ceiling. The picture of his nice, comfortable bed scratched at his mind all summer like a cat clawing at the walls to find a mouse. Higar smiled and looked up at the ceiling window. He was lucky to have his room so close to the outside, even though he was getting sick of being in nature for three months without end.

The tree that hovered over his room only had one leaf left, and before he closed his eyes to sleep, the last red leaf fluttered down and landed on the window.[b] ?Here?s to the last day of vacation??[/b] Higar said as he fell into slumber land.

[CENTER][B][U]CHAPTER 2: PATIENCE IS CRAP[/U][/B][/CENTER]

Higar awoke, he looked at his alarm clock. It was 6:30 Am, Higar had to be at the academy by 8, so he had an hour and a half to get ready. Higar?s body was still a bit sore from training, especially his right arm. He rose to his feet and turned his head, his neck cracked like a brittle slab of ice. His blue hair was messy. He changed real quick and walked into the throne room. His mother was there, she had fallen asleep in her robe. Obviously, she had been busy the whole night and fell asleep in her throne.

Higar just nodded and decided to let her sleep. He went into the kitchen, made breakfast, than left.

[CENTER]___[/CENTER]

Higar arrived at Leo Chevelle?s Academy of Martial Arts, he noticed that the building was covered in vines and ivy, unlike last year when the academy was just brick and glass. Higar looked at the entrance to see Salo and Konata waiting at the door. They were both waving to Higar, and like a cat from a dog, he ran over to them.

[b]?Well, it looks like the academy has been closed today? weird thing to happen on our first day back to school, eh?? [/b]Salo asked smiling. [b]?There?s a piece of paper on the door that says, ?one week delay.? Whatever the hell that means.?[/b]

Konata looked inside the building and at the note again. ?It looks like a bit of construction, so they must be halting the beginning of the new school year for another week. Lucky us than boys!? Konata shrieked in joy. Higar arched forward and starting groaning.[b] ?Something wrong Higar?? [/b]Konata asked.

[b]?I don?t think it was a good idea to run? ouch!? [/b]Higar groaned. He fell to the ground and started rubbing his back when suddenly a deep, and ear-shattering chuckle erupted from behind.

[b]?Always on the ground, like a worm, aren?t you Higar?? [/b]The voice than said, it was the voice of Darroh Lieghtos. [b]?Poor you, while I was training, I was smart enough to at least, take a break. What did you do, get your boyfriend Salo to stone your back while he bent you to please??[/b] Darroh started laughing. His two cronies, John and Raela started laughing too. They were often silent around Darroh, as they weren?t very strong-willed around him. They were strong though, despite this.

Darroh himself was one of the strongest students at the academy, so was Higar. The two were friends at one point, until they got into a fight and decided to become enemies. Since than Higar lost his reputation, and he became a target for Darroh?s pathetic bullying.

[b]?Look, if it isn?t the prick.?[/b] Salo said giving Darroh a death-stare. [b]?Why don?t you go lay down in a hole somewhere??[/b] Salo raised his fist and clenched it tightly. Konata stood still and strong.

[b]?Eh, I?m not you, nor am I Higar. And, by the way, I?m not afraid of you Salo. The only person you could suplex is your boy-toy, Higar, so save your energy for bedtime.? Darroh [/b]shrugged. His long black hair hid his deep blue eyes, yet his demented, crooked smile was still visible.

[b]?You seem to crack a lot of those jokes Darroh, got a secret to hide?? [/b]Higar said as he started to rise. When he stood he cracked his back and looked behind him at Darroh.[b] ?They say that someone who mocks someone else, has a secret to hide themselves.? [/b]

[b]?Boy Higar, can?t you say anything less retarded? Wow that sure as hell was a great comeback. Well, us three better get going, you three have to catch up on your loser time.? [/b]Darroh chuckled, turned around and started walking. The wind was picking up and it blew leaves all over the place.

In a flash of green, Higar ended up in front of Darroh. [b]?Treating us like shit Darroh? pathetic. One day it will come back to bite you on the ass.?[/b] Higar said with his face within a few inches of Darroh?s. Darroh just stared into Higar?s eyes. Darroh grabbed Higar?s shirt and lifted him off the ground.

[b]?You?d like to bite me on the ass Higar, but that day will never come!? [/b]Darroh hollered as he threw Higar over his shoulder and onto a stone that was sitting in one of the academy?s bushes. Higar?s back cracked and he let out a shriek of pain. [b]?Maybe that will teach you Higar, that you?re just a leech on this academy?s leg. See you next week? fool.?[/b] Darroh and his cronies laughed and walked back into the streets.

Konata rushed to Higar?s aid. He was holding onto his back, he looked hurt. The stone that he kept with him fell out of his pocket and onto the ground. Neither him nor Konata noticed that it fell. She picked Higar up and started walking toward the road. [b]?Salo, we need to take him to his mother, I think he?s hurt.?[/b]

[b]?Don?t worry Konata?? [/b]Higar said breathing heavily. [b]?I?m okay, but Darroh? he?s bugging me, when we get back to school, I?m ending this.?[/b]

Salo laughed and smile. [b]?God can?t wait for what Darroh?s going to get, too bad it?s in a week though.?[/b] Salo said while he grabbed Higar?s leg to help him stay in Konata?s arms. She smiled at Higar.

[b]?Yeah, I know what Salo means, patience is crap.?[/b]

[CENTER][B][U]CHAPTER 3: THE PLAN[/U][/B][/CENTER]

Konata lowered Higar onto his bed. Salo walked into Higar?s room with Higar?s mother, the queen. She walked over to Higar and checked his back. She rubbed Higar?s back than held her hands over him. A few seconds after, a faint light shone from her hands. She was using magic to heal Higar?s back.

[b]?Higar, you should of told me you ad a sore back.? [/b]Higar?s mother said. [b]?Thankfully, you only hit the side of your back. By the looks of it, that Lieghtos boy threw you on the ground very hard. If he had hit the middle of your back, you would have returned even worse. Don?t worry just rest for about twenty minutes, and you should be able to get up.?[/b][b]?Sorry we couldn?t help him your majesty, it happened so fast!? [/b]Salo said scratching his head. The queen turned to Salo and shook her head.

[b]?It?s quite alright Salo, he?s okay, so don?t go blaming yourself.? [/b]The queen bowed and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. Salo, who was standing near the door, walked over to Higar an sat on his bed. Konata was sitting in Higar?s computer chair. Higar rolled over onto his left side. A sudden shock of pain flew through his body like a raging hawk flying in the sky.

[b]?Damn that hurts!? [/b]Higar said grinding his teeth to mask the torture. [b]?Boy, this is going to be a shitty twenty minutes.?[/b] Higar grunted and rubbed his eyes,

[b]?So, what are you going to do about Darroh?? [/b]Salo asked out of curiosity. Higar just rolled his eyes and continued his painful grunts.

[b]?I don?t know? maybe I should settle this tonight.?

?Huh?? Konata asked. ?Why not wait for school??[/b]

[b]?Well? that would just get me into trouble, and during the first day of school no less? It?s just smarter to end our rivalry now.?[/b] A moment of silence spread throughout the room. Higar was deep in thorught as to what he could do. Konata however, was a bit worried as to what could happen if Higar and Darroh ended up fighting. Darroh was a strong person, even stronger than Higar. Konata was often worried about Higar and Darroh?s situation for the past few years, even though nothing really happened. But the fear that something could happen haunted her like her shadow.

But Higar was still strong, in fact he is one of the strongest students at the academy. In truth, the difference between Higar and Darroh?s power is small, and doesn?t mean a thing.

After about three minutes of silence, Salo finally spoke up.

[b]?You should do it tonight Higar, take Darroh on and demolish him. And me and Konata will beat up his dumbass friends! Whadya say guys??[/b] Salo waved his arm in the air like he had just been decided the victor.

[b]?It?s an idea, but where would I find Darroh??[/b]

[b]?No need to ask, he?s always training at in the park near the school with his idiots, just go there and challenge him.? [/b]Konata said. One minute she was worried, and the next minute she?s raring to go. Konata is really a violent girl at heart, she truly loves fighting. She never worries about herself as much as she worries about others.

Now Darroh was quite the opposite, he never worried about anyone, not even his family. Konata hated Darroh because of this, so despite her worries, she does want Higar to beat Darroh up.

[b]?Well than I guess it?s decided, we all want to take Darroh down, so today is the day we?ll do it.?[/b]

[B][U][CENTER]CHAPTER 4: THE CLINCHER[/CENTER][/U][/B]

The clock struck seven, the sun was starting to settle, and stars were starting to twinkle, yet only faintly. The wind was cool and the trees were swaying back and forth in an eerie fashion. Higar, Konata and Salo were ready to take on Darroh and his lackeys. Konata, had her worries of coarse, but they were all confident that this would be the end of their differences, and the end of their rivalry.

Higar sifted through his pockets, looking for the stone. Higar stopped on the sidewalk him and the others were walking on. [b]?Guys, did you see my stone anywhere?? [/b]He asked hoping to receive an answer, yet Konata and Salo just shrugged. [b]?Damn, I think I lost it at the academy when I was thrown by Darroh. We better go there and get it.? [/b]Higar turned around and started running off without second thought or word.

?[b]Higar!? [/b]Salo yelled trying to get Higar?s attention, alas, it was no use, Higar didn?t notice.

[b]?Salo, I think we should just go ahead.? [/b]Konata suggested. Salo nodded and they both walked off toward the park.
[CENTER]___[/CENTER]

Higar arrived at the Academy, it was finally pitch black outside, and an eerie sensation enveloped Higar. He had never been at the academy at this time before, and it was creepy, almost like a scene from a horror movie he had seen. Higar shook his feeling off and ran over to the bushes where he fell. After two minutes of searching and looking behind his back, Higar found the stone. But now, in the shine of the moon, it looked different. This time, the stone had a gem-like thing in the center. It was red and the moon?s light made it shine.

While looking at the stone, Higar heard a noise form behind him. He jerked back a bit from fear and looked behind him to see a man in a black cloak. Higar, who was shocked, stood up and looked at the person. The moonlight was not revealing even the faintest detail of the person?s face.

[b]?What are you holding boy?? [/b]the person asked. The voice was that of a man. His voice was soft, almost welcoming. Higar was still alarmed, however. He stood, ready to attack if the cloaked man went after him.

[b]?Why does it matter to you?? [/b]Higar asked. [b]?It?s just a rock, nothing else.? [/b]Higar put the stone in his pocket, but after doing so, the man appeared behind Higar, the man moved in an instant. Higar jumped back and glared at the man. The light from the academy revealed a man with red hair that draped over his face, and he had an odd tattoo on his right cheek. The man was sporting a crooked, almost corrupt smile.

[b]?Well, it looks like it?s chosen you child.?[/b] The man said.

[b]?What?s chosen me?? [/b]Higar questioned. The man just nodded, and without another word he disappeared into the shadows. Higar walked slowly toward the gate. He took the stone out of his pocket and looked at it, the red gem was still there, but it looked even darker than before. It was probably just the light.
[CENTER]___[/CENTER]

Salo and Konata arrived at the park. They didn?t expect to see Darroh, John and Raela, yet all three of them were there sitting on a park bench talking. They seemed to not notice Salo or Konata?s presence.

[b]?So what are you going to do about that Higar?? [/b]John asked Darroh. Darroh just laughed.

[b]?Oh, one of these days that faggot will get his just deserts.? [/b]Darroh sighed and sat back on the bench.

[b]?What happened between you and him anyways Darroh?? [/b]Raela asked. Darroh shrugged.

[b]?Even though I detest that flea, we promised to never tell anyone. But that doesn?t matter. What does matter is that one day when me and him will end it.? [/b]Darroh got off the bench and smiled. [b]?I can sense your energy Konata? Salo.. I?m not retarded.?[/b] Darroh turned around and stood as if he was about to fight.

[b]?You look like you?re getting ready to fight us Darroh, you afraid we can take you down?? [/b]Salo jested. Darroh laughed.

[b]?So does that mean you?re willing to fight me? HA! That?s funny, without your boyfriend you don?t stand a chance! Well, if you want to be humiliated, so be it.? [/b]Darroh stepped back and patted John and Raela on the back. [b]?You can take care of these losers guys.?[/b] Darroh laughed and sat on the bench. John and Raela stepped forward and started chuckling as if they were going to take Salo and Konata, and rip them to shreds.

Suddenly the sound of a tree branch moving caught everyone?s attention. Everyone, Salo, Konata, Darroh, John and Raela, looked at the tree to see Higar perched on the branch like a phoenix. [b]?Sorry it took me so long to get here guys, I had a little run in with someone before I could get here.?[/b]

Darroh jumped to action and glared at Higar. [b]?Heh, seems like I get some action as well! So Higar, I take it you want to fight??[/b] Darroh asked as he drew out a sword. Higar?s eyes grew large in shock. Darroh drew a weapon out to fight Higar. Higar himself, had nothing except his hands and legs. He swallowed the lump in his throat and stood on the branch. Higar threw away his fear of being sliced, and he became fearless. The rivalry was about to end.

[B][U][CENTER]CHAPTER 5: THE RED FILTERS THROUGH[/CENTER][/U][/B]

The moon was eclipsed by the dark clouds of the night. Higar and Darroh looked into each other?s eyes with both hate, and a burning passion to defeat one another. Higar, who only had his fists to fight, was ready and willing to take Darroh on despite the fact that Darroh was carrying a blade. It seemed like an eternity at that moment in time; where Darroh and Higar stared into each other?s eyes and saw the hate they had for each other.

Salo and Konata were also standing off with john and Raela, they too were ready to fight, without their fears rearing they?re ugly heads. Salo, was an expert at hand-to-hand combat, and Konata utilized her legs and grace as a weapon. John and Raela were mirror images of Salo and Konata only in the fact that they utilized the same fighting styles. It was like everyone was fighting themselves.

Higar jumped off the branch and onto the ground, yet he kept starring at Darroh and his blade. Without word or warning, Darroh charged after Higar at high-speed. He jumped in the air and held his blade in front of him ready to smash Higar?s face with the side of the blade. Higar sidestepped just as Darroh?s blade entered his spade. Higar flipped backwards just as Darroh turned to punch him. Before Darroh could attack, Higar grabbed the arm that held Darroh?s sword and twisted. Darroh kicked Higar?s hand and pushed him off. Higar fell to the ground.

[b]?Humph, it seems as if, as usual, you are down on the floor Higar.?[/b] Darroh chuckled as he rose his arm in the air. [b]?Time to show you not to mess with me, I?m going to stab you?re leg and impale you, I will do it in a way that will paralyze you for life. THAT, my friend is how I will end this.? [/b]With that last word, Higar lost all courage, just as Darroh started lowering his arm. In under a second, Darroh lowered his arm onto Higar?s leg. But something wasn?t right.[b] ?What!? [/b]Darroh yelled in surprise.

Higar stared at his pocket and saw his pants shine with a blood red light. Darroh had it, and damaged the stone in Higar?s pocket. Darroh stepped back and held his eyes. [b]?Damn it!? [/b]He yelled as the light pierced his hands and blinded him. Darroh stepped back some more as Higar grabbed the stone out of his pocket.

Btu Higar dropped it as soon as it left his pocket, the stone was hot, unbearably hot.[b] ?Son of a bitch!? [/b]Higar cursed. Darroh sat down on the ground and started blinking, his sight was returning. Yet before he could stand up, another light shone. This time it didn?t blind, yet it made everything white for a second or two. After the light faded, the stone that the light came from, disappeared. And it?s place a sword lay. It had a red and orange blade, and it looked to be about five feet long from each end to the other.

Darroh looked at it and threw his blade to his side, than he crawled as fast as he could toward it. Before Higar could grab it, Darroh held onto it with his very existant. But before Darroh could even blink, the sword burned is hands.

[b]?Fuck!?[/b] He screamed as he grabbed his hand in pain. Higar took this chance to grab the sowrd, and he did. But it didn?t burn him like it did Darroh, instead it allowed Higar to hold it. He extended the blade toward Darroh.

[b]?Now who?s lying on the floor Darroh??[/b]

Salo and Konata watched Higar and Darroh in amazement. None of them were raising a fist, they were all mesmerized from what was going on. John and Raela finally snapped out of it and ran to Darroh?s side. Salo and Konata followed suit.

[b]?You okay Darroh?!? [/b]Raela asked holding Darroh?s shoulder. John looked at Darroh?s arm to see it chared and burnt. Yet Darroh was still moving it and he grabbed his blade again.

[b]?JOHN, RAELA GET HIM!? [/b]Darroh yelled in agony as his hand trembled in pain. He rose to his feet and charged at Higar holding his sword out. All three of them, Darroh, Raela and John, charged at Higar.

[b]?Fuck!?[/b] Konata yelled as she jumped in front of him. Darroh, who wasn?t paying attention, had no time to stop and lower his sword. And so, his blade impaled Konata right in the chest. Blood flew everywhere. Higar, who was standing behind Konata, was splattered with her blood. Everyone?s eyes were glowing with the realization that Konata had been killed. Higar dropped his sword and fell to his knees. He starred into the sky and clenched the ground, digging into the mixture of blood and dirt.

Higa whispered her name, and it resonated thorughout her last breath.

[b]?Konata??[/b][/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]I only have a few things to say about this and I‘ll start with this statement here:[quote name='Aberinkula;808859][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Welcome to the latest, and possibly the last story I'll write[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR][/QUOTE]I have only one question and that is why bother to put in the statement that it’s possibly the last story? Do you mean in this series/universe or in general? Because if it’s in general, you’re what fifteen? That’s a pretty silly thing to say really, it sounds like you’re giving up or whining there. The idea that something will be your last… well that just seems pointless to even say if it has no bearing on the actual story.[quote name='Aberinkula'][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Konata lowered Higar onto his bed. Salo walked into Higar’s room with Higar’s mother, the queen. She walked over to Higar and checked his back. She rubbed Higar’s back than held her hands over him. A few seconds after, a faint light shone from her hands. She was using magic to heal Higar’s back. [/FONT][/SIZE'][/COLOR][/quote]The next is the concept of using other phrases instead of constantly relying on a characters name, I’ll show you what I mean by re-writing this loosely.

[INDENT]Konata lowered Higar onto his bed. Salo walked into the room with Higar’s mother, the queen. She walked over and checked his back. She rubbed his back then held her hands over him. A few seconds after, a faint light shone from her hands. She was using magic to heal Higar’s back.[/INDENT]

I’m not even going to address the grammar, wording and other issues, because to be honest, I don’t have time to do that complete of a critique here. Anyway, as you can see, it’s not necessary to keep using the character’s name and it can be overly repetitive and distracting to a reader when you do. So it’s best to keep that down to a minim whenever possible.

Now I have one other thing to bring up and that is names, mainly Konata. If you are using that because you got it from the anime Lucky Star then that right there is a big no no. Unless it is a fan fiction on some level which in that case would be okay. If it’s not and it’s meant to be original, it’s best to avoid names from popular media such as shows, music and so forth that you are familiar with. Because you’ll unconsciously mimic them without even realizing it and that can throw off the originality of the work.

Anyway, I hope that input helps a little. In all honesty, it’s not the type of story that I care for, but it was interesting to read through just the same. ;)[/FONT]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Well as for why I named the girl konata, I really like the name, I think it's really cute. And as for why it might be my last story, I've just simply started to lose interst. In fact, I can't finish any story, so this being my last will make me want to finish it. It may sound foolish, but I think that it may help me in the future.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback Sabrina, I appreciate it. And yeah after looking at the stuff, I say their names a lot, but it's becuase I fear that I'm saying their names too little. And btw, if you did continue to read it, the next chapter would not be for you, it's a little violant. But the end results that I'm dreaming of for the whole story are ones of good intentions.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Before I get into anything really intensive, I'd like to say two things.

[QUOTE=Aberinkula][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Welcome to the latest, and possibly the last story I'll write, 2572.

//

And as for why it might be my last story, I've just simply started to lose interst. In fact, I can't finish any story, so this being my last will make me want to finish it. It may sound foolish, but I think that it may help me in the future.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR][/QUOTE]
No. No, it won't. In fact, calling it "the last" is not only an even greater excuse to simply lay it aside, but doing so also forces you to lie to yourself, should you ever want to continue writing.

And besides, telling [I]us[/I] that it's your last attempt does basically nothing. My life was not made radically different after seeing you had posted this, and it will not be radically different knowing that this may be your final composition. And at the end of the day, I'm not going to lose any sleep over whether or not you end your career as a writer, or even that you had a career at all. Harsh, I know, but you need to get used to knowing that even though some of us may comment on your work and try to help you out, it's probably not going to break our hearts that you decided to quit—which is what that statement comes across as.


Second, I think you're confusing "chapter" with "scene". Actual chapters in decent length books run around thirty pages, at least, depending on the author. The amount of material you're providing for each of your "chapters" is more along the lines of a children's fiction novel, like the Bobbsey Twins, or the Boxcar Children, or sommat—and even then, there's probably about ten pages to [I]them[/I], too.

If you've read Christopher Paolini's book [I][U]Eragon[/U][/I], you'll notice a similar style with his chapters. Some of them barely run two pages. This isn't because he's necessarily pioneering anything, but more, I think, because he's an immature writer, and made the same mistake regarding "chapter" and "scene". I remember once during Spanish class coming up with an idea to plug into my main universe, and by the time I got there, it was seventeen pages (front and back, college rule) later; and the scene carried for five [I]more[/I] pages before I felt comfortable making a chapter break.

For instance, between chapters 1 and 2, you could instead have just made the break that indicated a time-skip, since that is perfectly allowable in the middle of a chapter. Also, the break you have right after the beginning of Chapter 2 would then not be necessary; it's just a continuation of the scene, and indicates that nothing really interesting happened between the time Higar left for school and arrived there.

I'm not really sure what to offer as a suggestion for judging good chapter length; it's more of a feel you get from reading a lot of good fiction. If you immerse yourself in stuff by the guys who know what they're doing, you'll start feeling how to do it yourself.


That's all I'll say for the moment. I'll come back later with in-depth stuff, since I see things that want my attention. :p[/FONT]

[Aberinkula]

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]I'm not trying to 'break anyone's hearts' by telling them it might be my last story. And that's the key word you guys seem to have missed, [I]might.[/I] There is a chacne that this is my last story, and there's a chance that it isn't. I'll never give up poetry btw, but I've decided due to me never finishing or showing the will to finish a complete story.

Also, to me Chapters do not have a certain minimun or maximum. Of coarse, I can merge any one of those chapters together, but I just don't want to. As for books such as Eragon, why complain about how long a chapter is? The book is pretty thick, so why complain about too much, or too little pages in a chapter? I like small chapters because it allows me to not read only half of a chapter, which I hate doing. I always like to finish a chapter, so a short one just helps me keep interest.

I'm just wondering why you waited until now to talk to me about how long my chapters were Allamorph. :p[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Aberinkula][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]I'm just wondering why you waited until now to talk to me about how long my chapters were Allamorph. :p[/COLOR'][/SIZE][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Because, bucko, this is the first time since I've started watching you that your "chapters" have even broken the first page. And to rebut your remark about length, did I say once that chapters had to be so long or couldn't be longer than so many pages? No; I said that you're confusing [I]chapters[/I] with [I]scenes[/I], and [I]scenes[/I] with simple narrative time-skips.

So let's compare real quick with the easiest reference I have on hand: Stephen King's [U]Duma Key[/U], which I am currently reading. [U]Duma Key[/U] has a total of twenty-two chapters, a series of interjected sketches called "How To Draw A Picture" (of which there are ten), and an afterthought, running a total of six-hundred and eleven pages. The chapters are of varying length, running anywhere from eighteen pages to over forty, and each one is broken up into about ten or twelve smaller sections, all labeled with lowercase Roman numerals. The "How To Draw A Pitcure" interjections start before chapter one, and interrupt at irregular instances between chapters; the longest of [I]these[/I] is three pages, and the shortest is the one after the final chapter, consisting of all of three lines of text.

As for Eragon; sure, if you have eighty chapters of four pages each, you'll still end up with three hundred and twenty pages of story, but your story will also feel alternately like it's slogging waist-deep through the mud and flying at Mach Ten.

Which is what Eragon felt like.

It was a good idea for a story, but altogether too immature, and far too rushed and clichéd at some parts.

Also, books with significantly short chapters are in my experience geared towards a younger audience with a shorter attention span. I mentioned in my previous post The Bobbsey Twins; that is the kind of book your story feels like in its current format. And with that in mind, the format and the content are in severe conflict, because younger readers are not ready for the purported "graphic violence, harsh language, and sexual themes" you claim to be writing.

When I see that conflict, and when I see you say something like [I][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]"I like small chapters because it allows me to not read only half of a chapter, which I hate doing.... I always like to finish a chapter, so a short one just helps me keep interest"[/COLOR][/SIZE][/I], it seems to me that the only audience you have in mind while you're writing this story is yourself. Adding to that deduction the fact that you are deliberately including mature content, [I]and[/I] given your age, the story begins to absolutely [I]scream[/I] self-gratuity to me. (And also knowing whose wing you decided to take shelter under for a very long time, the sense is even more pronounced.)

So again, I know this is harsh, but as far as I understand, you only wrote this story as a means to pleasure yourself. "Wank off", if you'll excuse my lewdness. And now I wonder if you even have an interest in growing as a writer at all, or if this is just a means to preserve another fantasy you've had.

Now then.[/oxymoron]

[quote name='Aberinkula][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][FONT=Book Antiqua]I'm not trying to 'break anyone's hearts' by telling them it might be my last story.[/FONT][/COLOR'][/SIZE][/quote]
Obviously. As you said, you're trying to motivate yourself into actually finishing. But this logic is severely flawed. If I understand you correctly, you have told yourself that if you don't finish this one, it'll be your last. This is a dumb idea.

When I was fourteen, I was still only writing unfinished sketches. In fact, it was just last year that I even decided to finally begin writing from the intended starting point of my "series", which still only exists in my head. (All three timelines, twenty-odd main characters, allamorphs, cyborgs, a Man in White, three disembodies spirits, two galaxies, and a partridge in a pear tree. Not quite sure how the partridge fits in canonically, though.) So while you may be getting aggravated that you can't seem to finish anything constructive, keep in mind that you're still really young, and still shouldn't be expected to crank out a masterpiece just yet.

Also, by setting yourself up this way, you're basically guaranteeing that you'll quit. The first moment you get significantly hung up or stuck on a story bit, and you'll remember that "this might be your last", and you'll try to push harder, and you'll get stressed, and you'll get fed up with it, throw the whole endeavor in the wastebasket, and content yourself with defeat the rest of your life.

Ye [I]gods[/I], if I'd got discouraged at the first signs of writer's block, I'd have quit when I was nine.

My comment about [I]our[/I] perceptions was intended to show you what your statement actually says to the people who come into the thread. If you're bothering to mention that it might be your last, it's obvious that you feel that it is somewhat important that the audience knows this tidbit. Not only that, but usually the people who are making that statement are already successful, and are [I]retiring[/I]. You've barely started, and you also mentioned after [COLOR="DarkRed"]Sabrina[/COLOR] first called you out that it was a motivation for you, and thus not something any of us really needed to know.

So yes, I know you said this "might" be your last. And I'm telling you that even saying [I]that[/I] much is downright stupid. (^_^)

Don't set yourself up for failure. Trust me on that one.[/FONT]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]Oh, I am very interested in becoming a writer, that much is true. But I don't know if I have enough motivation or strive, which this may sound like mindless-ignorant-self-pity, but due to my lack of these things above, I fail as a writer of all sorts. So maybe what I need to do is go back to the basics of writing before attempting another 'novel.'

For me another problem might be the fact that I flood myself with story-lines and plots that only exist as a means of to say "Hey dude, if you make up the story's future, but not it's present, you're on your way!" I never fully focus on one thing, I always drive other plots into my head, using them and failing, or throwing them away and that is another reason why I quit because my mind tells me 'stop this story, it's not worth it' without me knowing.

And yeah, 'preserving a fantasy' is quite correct. I have three stories in my head at the moment, one that I'm not writing nor talking about which I use as a way to actually complete a story despite me not really writing anything and I'm using myself and other real-life people in the story. Plus, I'm prolonging the finality of the story so I can continue the fantasy which imo is kind of stupid.

The second one is the story above of which I am failing completely, you may not think so, but I sure as hell do. And then there is the third story which is the future second story that will not be written cause I just won't use the ideas I've created. Plus there will soon be a story I haven't even created yet that's lurking in the shadows to, hey surprise surprise, make me fail at another attempt to create my story which I find personally, epic.

So yes, I need to mature, so I think maybe I should resort back to the basics and keep writing poetry and short stories, before I continue to make long ones. I have progressed from pathetic, very unfufilling written fanfiction to semi-sort-of- good stories.[/SIZE][/COLOR]