Writing Comfort -poem-

[Persona]

[SIZE="1"] [CENTER][COLOR="SandyBrown"][B]I waited for you?
Hoping you would come
And hold me till the day I die.

Sadly you never came?

I cried for you?
Hoping you would realize
The pain I held for so long.

Instead you walked away?

I begged on my knees...
Hoping you would forgive me
For my mistakes.

But you just stood there?

I tried to make everything right...
Hoping you would see
That I always cared.

You simply looked the other way?

I hoped that one day...
You?ll come back to me
Where I happily wait

Just for you?to hold me.

To be honest, I'll let the poem speak for itself and see what you the readers got or felt from this poem. Other than that, feel free to tell me what needed to be worked on and so forth.[/B][/COLOR][/CENTER][/SIZE]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Nice poem! ^_^ I?ve got a few suggestions so I?ll run them by you to see what you think. For starters, the sequence of events seem a little off to me. It starts with the sayings of how the person never came and they walked away, and then later on? they?re right there and looking away? It?s a little confusing and perhaps if you were to simply rearrange the verses that would help.

Take the first verse and following single line between it along with the second verse, those seem more like they should be first switched around and then put either at the very end or before the very last verse. Sometimes it?s easier to just show what I mean so I?ll repost it if you don?t mind.

[INDENT]I begged on my knees...
Hoping you would forgive me
For my mistakes.

But you just stood there?

I tried to make everything right...
Hoping you would see
That I always cared.

You simply looked the other way?

I cried for you?
Hoping you would realize
The pain I held for so long.

Instead you walked away?

I hoped that one day...
You?ll come back to me
Where I happily wait

Just for you?to hold me.

I waited for you?
Hoping you would come
And hold me till the day I die.

Sadly you never came?[/INDENT]
To me, that just seems to flow a little better and gives it more of an emotional impact, where the other seems all jumbled up. Also, in this verse here:

[INDENT]I waited for you?
Hoping you would come
[strike]And[/strike] [B]To[/B] hold me till the day I die.

Sadly you never came?[/INDENT]

I'd suggest removing and and possibly putting something else in since and is often awkward and makes it seem like the writer accidentally hit the enter key and interrupted the sentence.

Anyway, that's a very sad and emotional poem. I enjoyed reading it and I hope you don't mind the input and suggestions. :catgirl:[/FONT]

[Sayrin]

your poem is very good ^^
the only little thing that I don't really like is that, during you stanzas of 3 lines, you are like throwing your thoughts randomly... You should put more links between your ideas