Writing Allamorph vs. Gavin [Poetry Contest]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"][CENTER][SIZE="3"][B]Poetry Contest - Round One [/B][/SIZE]

[hr=Sienna]100[/hr]
[CENTER][SIZE="4"][B]Allamorph [/B]vs. [B]Gavin[/B][/SIZE]

Topic: [B]City[/B][/CENTER]
[hr=Sienna]100[/hr]

[B]Triple Quatrain Poetry[/B][/CENTER]
For this round you are challenged to write a triple Quatrain poem. Now a basic Quatrain is a poem that has four lines and also has a specific rhyming scheme. So for a triple Quatrain, you will be writing twelve lines in groups of four, based on the topic that you have been given. For example:

[CENTER][COLOR="Sienna"][B]Topic: The Fall[/B]

I love the mountains in the fall,
as the leaves begin to turn.
Like decorations for the ball,
it makes my heart just yearn.

Fall colors seem to transcend
with yellow, orange, and browns.
It'll soon cover all the towns
with a warm and hearty blend.

The cool crisp autumn air
there's nothing that can compare.
To this color filled wonder land
what could ever be this grand.[/COLOR][/CENTER]
As you can see in each section the ending lines rhyme with one of the others. And just like the poem, they do not have to be in a specific order. So long as they rhyme, it works. In theory, for this contest, the ending of each line could rhyme with every single one.

Each contestant has till [COLOR="Sienna"][U][B]Friday the 11th[/B][/U][/COLOR] to get their poems in. At which time the voting will begin, sooner if both members submit their poems before the deadline. Now all members are welcome to vote include those involved. If it is the thread you are in though, only comments and critiquing is allowed since obviously you can?t vote for yourself. But definitely take the time to vote on the other entries! Now if there are any questions, be sure to direct them to this thread here: [URL="http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=58871"][U]Poetry Contest[/U][/URL] And now lets have some fun![/FONT]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]This was actually a lot harder than I thought it would be, having never lived in a city, trying to get the feel right was quite difficult.


[INDENT]Endless horizon of glass and steel,
From a peak, I strain to follow
My eyes shut, my perceptions hollow,
I beg, just once, for me to feel.

Can you hear it on the air ?
The whispered call from every street,
Listen close, no time to spare,
To the city's fierce heartbeat.

Music formed from every sound,
Above skyscrapers, beneath the ground.
This is life, make no mistake,
Born from every breath we take.[/INDENT][/SIZE]

[Allamorph]

[FONT="Arial"]

A warm September night; the city sleeps
In silence, save the solitary souls
Who stand, from dusk ?til dawn, their thankless roles:
We rest, and they the city running keep.

[INDENT]A hound begins to bay; above, the Moon
Is overswept by rolling clouds of grey
That come with rain to cool the heat of day
And cleanse the sidewalks with its hushing tune.[/INDENT]

Swift the rain across the city sweeps,
And hastens on. Again the night air stills,
Broke only by the moistened rush of wheels.
A warm September night; the city sleeps.


[/FONT]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][B]Gavin:[/B] The thing I like best about yours is how it feels like the reader is kind of lost in the city. The first paragraph gives the hint of someone almost buried. I don?t care for how it wraps up since I think it?s telling two different stories. The first of the voice lost in the noise, the second, it's life. I hope I'm not confusing here. Regardless, I enjoyed it.

[B]Allamorph:[/B] Your poem has a very nice feel or rather a sense of the city standing alone. It?s like only the city is talking instead of the person, I get no feel of you in there at all. If that makes sense that is.

I think both of you captured different essences of the city, making it hard to decide.

Excellent poems, both of you, I cast my vote for [B]Gavin[/B]. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Aaryanna]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Gavin, I like the almost forlorn feel of the first paragraph, just as I like the sentiment of the rest where the city is alive. I really like the feeling behind it. It kind of doesn?t mesh though since it seems like two different poems.

Allamorph, I like how your poem is the city at night and then goes back to that moment when it started. Like an endless cycle of life. It?s more like the city is talking than a person.

For this one I vote for [B]Allamorph[/B]. Great job you two. ^_^[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Darren]

Gavin! The last stanza was AMAZING! It was all very good and I really liked it. The only thing that frustrated me, (which really doesn't matter. Just one of my pet peeves) is your rhyme scheme changed in every stanza. It went from ABBA, to ABAB, and then AABB...

Allamorph, you are truly a poet at your very core. I love it that this round had to geniuses put in it... Hardest decision yet, and while I absolutely loved both poems (especially Gavin's 3rd stanza!!!) I happened to favor [B]Allamorph[/B]'s poem more

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][B]Gavin[/B], I really enjoyed the feel of your poem. The first stanza came off with a tad of eeriness, imo that set the mood for the poem. However, despite what I enjoyed, the second stanza just didn't quite feed my taste, so thats what's going to make an impact on the vote.

[B]Allamorph[/B], I liked how your first line and last of the poem were the same, it gave it an odd feeling of nostalgia.

If Gavin's second stanza was better, I would have voted for him. But my vote goes to [B]Allamorph[/B]. Well done, both of you.

[B]EDIT: [/B]Sorry Gav, but you would probably have been [strike]murdered in a clash of fire and rage[/strike] honorably defeated by Indi's greatness :p [/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Aberinkula][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][I]'This is life[u][B]:[/B][/u] make no mistake' [/I]seems more correct to me for some reason. But idk, you're the one who's better at writing. :p[/SIZE'][/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Yeah, that was [COLOR="DarkRed"]Gavin[/COLOR]'s line. :animesmil[/FONT]

[Aaryanna_Mom]

Both poems here take a very different approach, Gavin has a bit more of connecting to the city, even if the flow seems to be two different storyline's. Allamorph, though technically more correct, seems to flow as if watching from the outside or as the city itself. My vote will be based on which one I connect with the most. And that will be the sentiment in [B]Gavin's[/B] poem.

I grew up in a very, very tiny town and never set foot in a city until I was much older and that first verse in Gavin's captures that sense of being overwhelmed by being in a city really well. So that is who I choose.

[Shy]

[size=1][b]Allamorph[/b]

This was a difficult choice for me, because there are parts of both poems that I really enjoyed. I feel that Gavin's opening line is a better start, even though I didn't connect with the approach he took. A lot of people tend to write about the chaos of a city, but ironically I think it's the uncompromising [i]order[/i] within a metropolis that draws me to them.

Allamorph's view, looking at the evening calm of a city, was graceful. I didn't care for his second stanza (although I thought the formatting was nifty, if not a little unneccessary.) Overall I liked his poem the most, so he gets my vote.

-Shy[/size]

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Alas, you've confessed to me Gavin that you've never been to a city before.

But even so, I feel a vague sense of hopefulness that you will someday. Specifically whatever city I'm living in at the time. [b]Moo haha.[/b]

And Allamorph, I have been in many cities, and while I've been in cities in September, I've never heard a hound baying in a city. I've seen police dogs sniffing corpses, but never hounds baying.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"][B]Gavin[/B] - You got off to a great start and the feelings were there. The second and third verse are nicely done too. Best part was the bit about being hollow and closing one's eyes in order to feel.

[B]Allamorph [/B]- Your poem is certainly well structured and though it's rare I have heard dogs howling at night, even here in SLC. I like that since it reminds me of those rare nights that are quiet enough for that sort of thing.

I can only pick one and for this I vote for [B]Allamorph[/B]. [/COLOR]

[Sandy]

For the record, I've lived my whole life in cities (albeit small ones by international standards), and I've heard dogs baying numerous times. ;D

[I]Gavin[/I], I'm a bit disappointed that you as an European went with the American imagery of a city (as a metropolis with high skycrapers of steel and glass). You could've shown your locality (or the fact you've never lived in a city) more with this task. There's some nice symbolism in there, though.

[I]Allamorph[/I], I adore your play with words. Your approach to the subject was refreshing, as well.

Thus, [B]Allamorph[/B], I choose you! *throws a Pokéball*

[Ellerby]

[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"][quote name='Sandy']
Thus, [B]Allamorph[/B], I choose you! *throws a Pokéball*[/QUOTE]
lmao. Sandy, that has to be the first time in a while that someone from OB has actually made me laugh out loud. :animesmil

I know in all the threads I voted in I keep saying it's a very hard decision but this one really takes the cake. Your poems are so similar and yet so different that it's almost impossible to choose. q_q

Gavin, good rhyming scheme and excellent vocabulary. I'm not to sure about the second stanza, though. It almost makes it seem like the city is a quiet and peaceful place which no city is. Same with the music part, I don't think any city sounds are pleasant to the ear.

Allamorph, the whole first stanza is really the deciding factor for me. I just cannot stop reading it...
[indent]the city sleeps
In silence, save the solitary souls
Who stand, from dusk ?til dawn, their thankless roles:[/indent]

So simply because of those thankless roles that keep the city running while we sleep, I give my vote to [B]Allamorph[/B].[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Treble]

Gavin, I think you did a wonderful job of describing a lost individual in the city. That?s how I feel whenever I?m in the city. There?s so much activity in a city, it difficult to pay attention to just one thing.

Allamorph, yours was pretty nice in that it took a whole different approach. I never looked at it from the city?s point of view, and it was intriguing.

Excellent poems both of you, but I have to go with [B]Gavin?s[/B] poem.

[Rachmaninoff]

[B]Gavin[/B] - You do a nice job of conveying both a sense of being lost and the city being the music of life. But at the same time, it seems to clash with itself. In all honesty, as it's been mentioned, it seems like two different poems.

[B]Allamorph[/B] - Nice clean imagery in your poem, as it's been said, it's like the city is the one telling the tale instead of a person. I don't like how the first and last line are the same, but still, it tells a very concise tale and it's easy to imagine the city.

My vote goes to [B]Allamorph[/B].

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Thank you very much everyone for your poems and participation on all sides. With Gavin receiving 4 votes and Allamorph 8 votes... [B]Allamorph[/B] wins this round. Congratulations! You advance to the second round. :catgirl:[/FONT]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]Ack. I had meant to post in this before it closed, but my PC had been either on the fritz or completely broken down.

To Allamorph, it was fun to compete against you, even if the second you mentioned Iambic Pentameter in the main thread I had a feeling I was probably going to lose. Still, at least I got a few votes, heh. ^_^;

For everyone who mentioned the fact it felt like two poems merged together, in a way that's correct, I actually wrote the second and third paragraphs before the first, then twisted stuff around and added the opening paragraph to try to match the rest.

The way I wrote it, the person in the first paragraph is trying to "hear" the music of the city of the second and third paragraphs, but can't because they're not from the city. Admittedly, reading back over, it doesn't flow all that well, and I probably should have written on from the first paragraph instead of trying to work it in to fit the other two.[/SIZE]