Writing A Freudian Trip into the Phases of my Imagination

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]I've spent the last half hour making poems. For some reason, very rarely now do I ever get true inspiration. And after my little spill in the Poetry Contest, I think it's about time I started pacing my inspiration instead of running with it too fast. Anyways, these are the first 3 products of my mindset at the moment. I like these too, and I think the names are a little silly. The title of the second poem, you'll get after you read it.[/SIZE][/COLOR]
[hr]100[/hr]
[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DimGray"][B][U]A Turnable Profit in the Shape of Shame[/U][/B]
Truly outdated and overrated.
So, sum up the circles we turn around.
But so far, I only count 3,
when there's so many more.
I know for a fact we're playing with fire.
And I know the devil's gunna get burned.
So stop mending the squares.
It's time to drown.

The water's getting warmer,
and the blood is circulating.
It's like a triangle, I swear.
I try, I turn, I trade.
It never seems to end

So far I feel jaded, never persuaded.
Oh no, my check has gone unfound.
So break the rectangular table and count with me.
I see hundreds of things I abhor.
I'll quit spinning the circle, if I find someone to hire.
I've tried so hard to obtain what I've earned.
So I'll just use the change I found under the chairs.
And spend my shame in the town.

[CENTER][B][U]From Now on I Sleep in My Shorts[/U][/B]
Oh, we slide into vivid dreams,
like we slide into our pants.
So swiftly, yet we get caught in the zipper.
So stuck on our nightmares; some day they'll get us.
Dammit I say as I slip into the sleeper.

Mechanical mindsets,
look at the forms.
I just want to awake,
where I sleep in these dorms
We forgot to set our alarm.
But that's okay,
these beasts do a lot more harm.

Oh, we fade into our dreams.
We become what we pretend to be.
Its the mortal folly,
one we know so dear.
But let's just hope the machines can hear.

Adorable creatures,
look at their smiles.
But don't' turn around on them.
The suffering could last a while.
As it is,
we could be here forever.
So next time we should set our alarms.
[/CENTER]
[RIGHT]
[B][U]3 Dots Don't Look Like a Lifeguard[/U][/B]
Souls...
drowning in what looks to be cherry kool aid.
Halt...
drinking this could be fatal.
Filter...
out the pain like it was never there.
Fade...

These waters aren't safe,
but they never really were.
Ah who cares,
I'll go in for a dip anyways.

Splash...
can you hear that sound?
Temptation...
It will get us no where in this lake.
Scout...
the land seems too calm.
Fade...

These waters bear our ends,
but we never really cared.
Huh, why dare?
It's my reflective pool.

Dead souls swim,
unprotected.
Splash into temptation,
oh how I envy the dead.[/RIGHT][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[hr]100[/hr]
[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]BTW, I aligned the third poem to the left so the words with '...' continue with the longer line after. It was tthe single words were being drowned in the sentences, I thought it was a nice effect that went along with the story.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Curse upcoming finals keeping me from getting to this sooner. XP Anyway! On to the poems. I'm going to bold/change the font size to highlight the areas I have thoughts on. The explanation will come after I've done that. [QUOTE][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DimGray"][B][U]A Turnable Profit in the Shape of Shame[/U][/B]
Truly outdated and overrated.
So, sum up the circles we turn around.
But so far, I only count [SIZE="3"][B]3[/B][/SIZE],
when there's so many more.
I know for a fact we're playing with fire.
And I know the devil's gunna get burned.
So stop mending the squares.
It's time to drown.

The water's getting warmer,
and the blood is circulating.
It's like a triangle, I swear.
I try, I turn, I trade.
It never seems to end

So far I feel jaded, never persuaded.
Oh no, my check has gone unfound.
So break the rectangular table and count with me.
I see hundreds of things I abhor.
I'll quit spinning the circle, if I find someone to hire.
I've tried so hard to obtain what I've earned.
So I'll just use the change I found under the chairs.
And spend my shame in the town.

[CENTER][B][U]From Now on I Sleep in My Shorts[/U][/B]
Oh, we slide into vivid dreams,
like we slide into our pants.
So swiftly, yet we get caught [SIZE="3"][B]in the zipper[/B][/SIZE].
So stuck on our nightmares; some day they'll get us.
Dammit I say as I slip into the sleeper.

Mechanical mindsets,
look at the forms.
I just want to awake,
where I sleep in these dorms
We forgot to set our alarm.
But that's okay,
these beasts do a lot more harm.

Oh, we fade into our dreams.
We become what we pretend to be.
[SIZE="3"][B]Its[/B][/SIZE] the mortal folly,
one we know so dear.
But let's just hope the machines can hear.

Adorable creatures,
look at their smiles.
But don't' turn around on them.
The suffering could last a while.
As it is,
we could be here forever.
So next time we should set our alarms.
[/CENTER]
[RIGHT]
[B][U][SIZE="3"][B]3[/B][/SIZE] Dots Don't Look Like a Lifeguard[/U][/B]
Souls...
drowning in what looks to be cherry kool aid.
Halt...
drinking this could be fatal.
Filter...
[SIZE="3"][B]out[/B][/SIZE] the pain like it was never there.
Fade...

These waters aren't safe,
but they never really were.
Ah who cares,
I'll go in for a dip anyways.

Splash...
can you hear that sound?
Temptation...
It will get us [SIZE="3"][B]no where[/B][/SIZE] in this lake.
Scout...
the land seems too calm.
Fade...

These waters bear our ends,
but we never really cared.
Huh, why dare?
It's my reflective pool.

Dead souls swim,
unprotected.
Splash into temptation,
oh how I envy the dead.[/RIGHT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/QUOTE]Alright, the first point, I?d change 3 to three. It?s usually better to actually spell out the number since on its own it kind of sticks out. Second point, the phrase ?in the zipper? just seems to flow awkwardly, I have no suggestion on what you could do different though.

Third point, just a grammar one since that should be It?s instead of Its. And the next 3? Try spelling it out as Three to see how it looks. Now as for the word out? It just seems redundant since the word never says the same thing. Filter? the pain like it was never there. See? And last is a grammar one again since no where should be nowhere. ^_~

Anyway, the three poems were interesting to read and I hope you don?t mind the input.[/FONT]