Jokes you enjoy.

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]I'm sure we all run across jokes online or elsewhere that just make us giggle like mad. And since the last thread I found on this was well over a year ago, I thought I'd start a new one where you can share a joke you enjoyed. I'll start with one I read earlier today. :catgirl:

[hr=blue]100[/hr]
Eve in the Garden of Eden, said, "[B]God I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples.[/B]"

"[B]Okay,[/B]" God said. "[B]I'll create a man for you.[/B]"

Eve said, "[B]What's a man?[/B]"

"[B]He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he's fun in bed.[/B]"

"[B]Sounds great![/B]" said Eve.

"[B]There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first.[/B]"

[hr=blue]100[/hr]
Oh did that make me laugh. XD [/FONT]

[Korey]

[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]I've heard a few...lemme whip out my guitar first :D

I'm Korey and these are some jokes....

I bought a cactus last month and yesterday it died. I thought 'Damn, I'm less nurturing than a desert'.

I bought some pajamas with pockets in them, which is great because I used to have to hold stuff while I slept.

I saw a sign the other day that said 'Watch for Children' and I said 'That sounds like a fair trade'.

Batteries are the most dramatic object of all the objects. Other things break or stop working, but batteries.....they die. 'How come you're not listening to your walkman?' ' I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning'. With batteries you're either working or you're dead. That's a ******* life.

I remember when I used to be nostalgic.

I think they got lazy naming animals after a while. Anteater? 'What's it doing?' Eating ants', 'ANTEATER.....DONE'

I think they named oranges before any other orange food, like carrots. It's like 'What are these? They're orange....Oranges.' 'But what about these?' 'Damn..........long pointies?'

Sort of is an interesting phrase, because it's so harmless...it's just an add on. But it can mean everything if you put in the right phrases like....I love you....or You're gonna live.....or IT'S A BOY!!!

If you wanna sound like a creep, put the word ladies after every sentence. It can be pretty harmless like "thanks for coming to my show, ladies" or "Help I'm stuck in a well and I can't get out, ladies" C'mon it's like a jacuzzi with really high walls, you know you want it..c'mon.

Thanks for listening to those jokes.....ladies. (All jokes originally told by Demitiri Martin)[/FONT]

[Decay]

[QUOTE]"There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."
[/QUOTE]

This is hilarious! (if you don't think about how really sexist it is)

I like that famous joke that's apparently one of the best in the world. I'm sure a great number of you have heard it.


Two men are out hunting when suddenly one falls over, clutching at his chest. The other man panics and calls 911.

When the woman answers the man quickly says, "Oh my god, what do I do, I think my friend is dead!" The operator calmly replies, "Just calm down, sir, the first thing I need you to do is make sure he's dead."

There's a moment of silence, and then a loud gunshot is heard. "Ok, I'm sure, now what?"

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]I thought of Gavin when I came across this joke... so with that in mind...

Proof positive that Jesus was Irish:
[INDENT]1) He lived at home until he was 30.
2) The night before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies.
3) His mother thought he was God.
4) He thought his mother was a virgin. [/INDENT]

And for more jokes that could be considered sexist...

Why do men like BMWs?
[INDENT]They can spell it.[/INDENT][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[quote name='Indi'][COLOR="Indigo"]Proof positive that Jesus was Irish:
[INDENT]1) He lived at home until he was 30.
2) The night before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies.
3) His mother thought he was God.
4) He thought his mother was a virgin. [/INDENT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[SIZE="1"]As I said over AIM, it's kinda freaky I only heard that joke for the first time earlier today, although it didn't have the two middle ones. Good joke though.

I think I may have posted this in a previous thread, but it still makes me laugh. An email courtesy of my old man.

[INDENT]A man walking along a California beach was deep in thought and prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded over above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish";

The man thought and said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want" The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?" [/INDENT][/SIZE]

[The Spectacular Professor]

[quote name='Indi'][COLOR="Indigo"]I thought of Gavin when I came across this joke... so with that in mind...

Proof positive that Jesus was Irish:
[INDENT]1) He lived at home until he was 30.
2) The night before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies.
3) His mother thought he was God.
4) He thought his mother was a virgin.[/indent][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Also, his last request was for something to drink.

BUT, He could have really been Jewish, since He went into his father's business and could stretch a meal across five thousand plates.

Then again, he had a Puerto Rican name.

Now that that's over with:

A preacher dies and goes to heaven. while standing in line at the pearly gates, he noticed the church youth group's bus driver ahead of him in line. When the driver got to the head of the line, Saint Peter wrapped his arm around the man's shoulders and pointed at a magnificent mansion on the top of a hill.

"That will be your new home, my son," said Peter.

This excited the preacher. After all, if a lowly bus driver got such a lavish new residence, imagine what was in store for a man of the word such as himself! As he reached the head of the line, Peter took him by the hand and indicated a small gardener's shack at the bottom of the hill.

"This will be your new home, my son."

The puzzled minister turned to Peter. "I have preached the good word for over 45 years and this is all I get, but a lowly bus driver lives in that wonderful mansion on top of the hill?"

"I'm sorry, sir," replied Peter, "It's just that our records indicate that when you preached, people slept. However, when the bus driver drove, people prayed.

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"][B]Why can't women play ice hockey?[/B]
[spoiler]They have to change they're pad after every period.[/spoiler]

[B]What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?[/B]
[spoiler]You meet new people every day.[/spoiler]

[B]What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?[/B]
[spoiler]Seizure Salad.[/spoiler]

[B]Have you heard about the blonde virgin?[/B]
[spoiler]She hangs out with Santa Cause and the Easter Bunny.[/spoiler]

[B]What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?[/B]
[spoiler]You hear about them but you never see them.[/spoiler]

[B]What did the blondes right leg say to the blonde's left leg?[/B]
[spoiler]Nothing they've never met.[/spoiler]

[B]Why can't blondes count to 69?[/B]
[spoiler]It's a mouthful.[/spoiler]

[B]What's pink, long and hard going it, pink, soft and sticky coming out?[/B]
[spoiler]Chewing gum.[/spoiler]

[B]What's round, large, in your pants and has a head?[/B]
[spoiler]A 50 cent coin.[/spoiler]

[B]What's long, begins with 'f' and ends with 'k?'[/B]
[spoiler]Firetruck.[/spoiler]

[B]What's the definition of trust?[/B]
[spoiler]Tow cannibals giving each other a blowjob[/spoiler]

[B]A joke a woman will laugh at.[/B]
[Spoiler]God created men because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.[/spoiler]

More to come.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Korey]

[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]Aberinkula's jokes are the best. I never would have guessed that blondes can't count to 69 because of a little black spoiler tag box! :laugh:[/FONT]

[The Spectacular Professor]

@Prem:

[IMG]http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y191/sanjiscool/neutralface.png[/IMG]

You just gotta... every single time...

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]What did I do?! :animecry: The spoiler's were there cause some of those jokes were dirty, I didn't want to mentally scar a kid or something...

A man said to his wife one day [B]"Honey, how about tonight we change positions?" [/B]He asks.
[B]"Okay," [/B]his wife replied. [B]"You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."[/B]

[I][B]"The first time I ever had sex I was scared to death... I was all alone!"[/B][/I]
[INDENT]- My father[/INDENT]

I went to a general store, and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What is more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back of your car?
[B]Getting an elephant pregnant in the back of your car.[/B]

A young reporter was covering a story about an escapee from a mental asylum. To accompany the story, he sent in the headline, "Woman Raped, Mental Patient Escapes." But the editor asked for something snappeir. So the reporter suggested: "Nut Screws and Bolts"

[B]Why did the guy bring toilet paper to a party? [/B]
Because he was a party pooper.

[B][U]PHILOSOPHY[/U][/B]
- The more you complain, the longer god lets you live.
- There is no such thing as absolute truth. This is absolutely true.
- Be careful; the toes you step on today may be connetcted to the *** you have to kiss tomorrow.
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
- If there's one thing I can't stand it's intolerance!
- Love thy neighbor, make sure her husband is gone first.
- Marriage is a three-ring circle. Engagement ring, marriage ring and suffering.
- The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the reach.
- Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I QUIT!"
- Clones are people two.
- If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

[B][U]ACTUAL SCHOOL EXCUSES[/U][/B]
- Mom ate my homework, she's pregnant and is having cravings.
- Please excuse Jeff from school, he hurt his hair.
- Please excuse John from ebing absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
- Please excuse Jenna for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

[B][U]THINGS WOMEN SHOULDN'T SAY TO MEN DURING SEX[/U][/B]
- "And yet your feet are so big!
- "When is this supposed to get good?"
- "I want a baby."
- "Just don't smear my lipstick."
- "It's a good thing you're rich."
- "Maybe if we water it, it'll grow?"
- "It's just a rash!"
- "Does it come with an air-pump?"
[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Akieen Cloud]

[COLOR="Navy"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot
and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue
Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named
Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her
all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made
love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, Come on...take a guess!

Think about it...
And the moral is...


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!


Almost eight years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
watched, as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W.
Bush take his oath of office.



However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board

Air Force One for the last time. I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles,

fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president and first lady. It was then that I
realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton
Administration.


Every one of them missed.

A boy and girl had been dating for a while and he was finally going to meet her parents, she told him that because it was so special she was going to have sex with him for the first time afterwards. So he went to the drug store down the road and bought condoms, not knowing what to get he asked the pharmacist at the counter to explain it.
"Well what is going on?"
"My girlfriend wants to have sex for the first time tonight."
He nodded and explained everything to the young man.
"Well do you want to single pack or the box?"
The young man thought told him the box it being his first time he was expecting to be at it for a while. Paying for the condoms he went home and got ready for that night, later at his girlfriends house they sat down for dinner and asked him to say grace. He nodded and bowed his head and began to pray.
10 minutes later he was still in prayer...
30 minutes later his head was still bowed...
finally after 45 minutes his girlfriend leaned over and whispered.
"I never knew you were so religious."
"I never knew your dad was a pharmacist..."


And finally...

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


Long I know but I love all of them. lol.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

Don't mind the caps... that's the format the joke came in. XP Anyway...

[SIZE="1"]
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She IS "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is ?MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She Is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

[hr=black]100[/hr]
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of ?RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."[/SIZE]

[Nerdsy]

[color=deeppink]I pulled this one out last joke thread, but it's classic enough to repeat.


Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

A: Because she's a woman![/color]

[Drizzt Do'urden]

I heard one recantally that made me chukle.

Congress is working on a new bill to help the Country cope with raising gas prices. The plan is to put Television monitors at each pump. The monitors will turn on once you start pumping your gas. They will display pornography.

This way when you buy a gallon of gas, you aren't the only one getting screwed.

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]Rach, those were some awesome jokes. I actually nearly choked on my tea laughing at the "Horizontally Accessible" one.

Another joke sitting in my inbox.

[INDENT][B]Swearing At Work Policy[/B]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:Really?
INSTEAD OF:You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It's not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources[/INDENT]

One more why not.

[INDENT][b]The Reality of Money[/b]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send yo! u kids to
a great university."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
queer." [/SIZE][/INDENT]

[Pumpkin]

[size=1]

The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[/size]

[amibasuki]

[FONT=Arial]major prop-age to the person who quoted Demetri Martin.

some other jokes to add from Demetri:

[/FONT][FONT=Arial]-the one in my signature.
- I heard this lady say, ?I love kids.? That?s nice, a little weird though. It?s like saying ?I like people, for a little while.? ?How old are you? 14? **** off!? You can say ?I love kids? as a general statement, that?s fine. It?s when you get specific that you get into trouble. ?I love twelve-year-olds.?[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]- I think it's weird when you give someone flowers, you're really saying, "Here you go. Now watch these die....because I like you." I feel like you should give someone flowers when you want to threaten them. "[/FONT][FONT=Arial]Here....you're next."
- I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot; and the sweater-vest protects you from pretty girls.
- A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver, if he?s persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees?" [I]"Trust me[/I]."
- A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ?What?s your favorite color?? A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ?What?s your favorite color?person??[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]
some stuff from Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary author):

Good things to say to Radical Feminist Bank Managers:
- "I'm part of a pioneer generation relying on my own economic power, struggling to be freed from centuries of paternalistic sexist oppression. Bastards! F***wittage! So can I have a teensy extension on my overdraft, please?"

Bad things to say to Radical Feminist Bank Managers:
- "If you don't lend me enough money to buy outfits, how can I be expected to find anyone rich enough to pay off my overdraft?"
[/FONT]

[Rachmaninoff]

This one is kind of old but it still makes me laugh when I come across it.

God decides it's time to have the world end. He calls in Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. He tells them that the world is going to end in seven days. So Clinton goes to the American people, and Yeltsin goes to the Russian people, and they say, "[B]We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the end of the world is coming.[/B]"

And Bill Gates goes back to Microsoft and says, "[B]I have some good news and some even better news. The good news is, I'm one of the three most important people on earth, and the even better news is we don't have to fix Windows '95![/B]"

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]This was sent to me today so I'll share it. Pay attention guys... [SIZE="1"]not that it will do any good...[/SIZE]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her
birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death
Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they
staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ***!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he's gonna get it wrong. [/COLOR]