Manga A manga/book idea - tell me what you think

[han ki-tae]

Hello everybody

This is the outline of a story I want to write, with possibilities of changing it into a manga.

OBS: to vote on the poll you do not have to reply to my message. Just one click and your opinion will be noted - and much appreciated. Thanks.

These are some of the characters: From left to right: Sarah, Gilson and Luciana.

[URL="http://www.otakuboards.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=26221&d=1182651746"]http://www.otakuboards.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=26221&d=1182651746[/URL]

I wrote about this earlier as youta moteuchi (please see "It's forbidden to fall in love")and now I am back to see if I can finish it - my English got a tiny bit better so it does not take me hours to write a paragraph anymore....

please let me know what you think.
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[B]ZERO HOURS[/B]

Marco is in his car by the river. The classical music he was listening to did not ease his nerves not even a bit. The last couple of hours had been chaotic… the running around to get the information he needed to finish his research, the mess at Marconi’s office, depositions to the police, delivering the news to his wife, and finally the envelope Marconi had given her in case something happened to him. He looked at the opened and wrinkled envelope resting on the passenger sit. He was surprised by the recent findings of his research. He needs to get to his office ASAP. They would be on to him just as they had been to Marconi earlier; it was just a matter of time. Suddenly black car shows up after him, driving at very high speed. This was too soon. There were no other cars on the street, which was rare considering it was downtown. He needed to make a run for it. He steps in the gas. He makes a sharp turn to the right. The car on his pursuit however is faster and presses car against the cement wall separating him from the river below. The wall gives in. A boy on a bus stop sees it all happening. The car falls into the darkness.


[B]
DAY ONE – the start of it all[/B]

He’s floating in the middle of void. ‘Where am I?’ he thinks. As those words pass through his mind a strong light comes from behind him.

‘Wha….’

Before him is a marvelous landscape: the land is covered by roses in bloom, here and there bushes of lilies, orquideas, and lots of beautiful flowers. The sun was declining at the horizon line, lazy. As he gave a step back because of the strong reddish light from the sun he stumbles in a stone that he doesn’t know where it came from. He falls over a soft bed of flowers.

He now sees a wonderful sea of black hair, coming from a mysterious woman. As she turns towards him, he can see her face: the beautiful dark hair, in perfect combination with her shiny eyes of the same color, floats around the perfect face, the reddish round lips. A light breeze was making her clothes move around her in a way that just accentuated her perfect form. The girl was none else than his great love, Luciana. As she noticed him she gave him a wonderful and at the same time funny smile. He flushes. A sweet heat passed tough his whole body, as usual. Then, he didn’t know if it was the flowers, the perfect sunset or her marvelous image that made him run to her and hold softly her hands.

‘I love y….’

But as he started to say the magical words the sunset was gone, as well for the flowers and the wind. They were now surrounded by touchable darkness. Two light spots were lighted up over each one of them. From the darkness came a shadow; somehow it managed to be darker than the background in a way that all you could see were its eyes, blue grayish evil eyes. It started to walk (or was it flying?) in Luciana’s direction.

‘Don’t touch her!’ He tried to say, but the words came out in a weak whisper.

The shadow took her hands into his as if they were a couple and started to walk away with her. ‘No’ he tried to scream and again just whispers. Not knowing what to do he saw that Luciana was walking with the shadow, willingly. They stopped for a moment and she turned to him the hair flying in a way that all what he could see were her eyes:

‘I’m sorry….’ He heard she say while a tear came from her eyes and fell, right before she started walking again and disappeared in the darkness at the distance.

‘COME BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!’

Now it was a scream and he was on his bed, covered by sweat. Confused in the darkness of the room he could see some clarity coming from the light post in the street near his window. He moved the curtains and he could see the beautiful sky full of shiny stars.

‘Luciana’, was the first thing that came to his lips. The starlight shone upon a tear that lazy ran over the face of the boy. He closed his eyes and the only thing that he could think of was the shadow’s blue evil eyes.

‘Luciana, I’ll protect you… yes I’ll. It’s a promise’.

It all happened when the clock was about to point the third hour of the morning.

[B]11:35[/B]
Marco wakes up in his office at home – he had overslept. He wakes up kind of in an “uncool” position since he had been working from home and did not even get changed or gone to bed before passing out on his desk. Piles of papers are everywhere in the room. On the table, three empty cups, previously filled with coffee showed one’s desperate attempts to remain awake in the previous night. He thinks to himself that he is going crazy, but at least this would not be for too long: just a phone call. He needed to get to work soon – that phone call would resolve everything for him. 12:00pm was the arranged time for the call – he had to rush. He looked at a family picture of him, his wife and daughter and kisses them goodbye before he rushes over to his car deciding it was too late for him to change and his clothes were good enough, considering he never took them off on the previous day.

[B]12:55[/B]
A drowsy student was walking on the sidewalk. He walked almost bumping into the people that were coming in the opposite direction. As he crossed the street horns and shouts echoed through the air.

‘Gilson! Gilson!’ Another student a little bit taller and tanner than him came running from his back. “Gilson! Gilson! GILSON!’ As he had no response from Gilson he asked: ‘What’s up whit you, guy?’

Slowly, the other turned. His eyes were injected, full of red veins. ‘Oh!’ he said as if surprised with the guy at his side: ‘Hello, Phillip! How are you doing?’ Phillip almost fell over the floor: he didn’t listen his dozen of calls a while ago. ‘Sorry, guy, I feel a little strange.’

‘Strange, he says…’ Thought Phillip.

‘I couldn’t sleep a wink last night.’

‘Everyone on the street noticed that, he he. Why was that?’

‘Bad dream with Luciana.’

‘Nightmares with Lucy? That’s a thing that I’d like to have…’ said Phillip.

Gilson ignored the interruption: ‘It started wonderfully: with flowers, a sunset… everything was perfect, then it all got pretty confusing… Since then I couldn’t sleep at all.’

‘But why does a dream about Lucy bother you so much?’

Now was Gilson’s time to be startled: ‘Didn’t I tell you the last six months that I’m in love with her?’

‘Ah! That! I thought that you had realized that she is a way out of your league…’

‘What?’ A little vein pops in Gilson’s head.

‘I said that I thought you had-

‘I heard you. Are you really my best friend?’ Said Gilson angrily.

‘Of course yes!’ Phil always has had this problem of saying unswayable things. ‘I’m sorry, pal.’

They stopped waiting for the traffic lights to open.

‘Okay, okay….’ He was already used to it. ‘But be careful, okay? It was a really horrible nigh- ops!’

A pair of hands came from behind covering Gilson's eyes. It was the usual game that they had called “Guess who?”

The boy blushed from the moment that he felt the touch of those hands on his face as they covered his eyes. It was she. The smell of soap and perfume got into his nose. He could feel her breasts touching his back. He was afraid that someone would hear his hear beating.

Then in an attempt to recover from the shock he started waving his hands to his back as if looking for something. When he found it and he gave a little boy’s smirk. As the whistle of a little puppet been pressed was heard he said: ‘LU-CI-A-NA!!!!’

Then the hands, the wonderfully soft hands, were put away from his face, and he could turn to admire the girl behind him: blue jeans and a school uniform tee shirt. She was forcing a funny angry face, although she wasn’t .

‘How come you always guess that it’s me?’ She said with a pouch, in a way that made her sound like a little girl. ‘Do you love me or what?’

He choked.

‘Yeah, that’s pretty muc- ouch!’ Phil started to say but stopped as Gilson gave him a little punch in the tummy.

‘He he, of course not. I’m already in love with another person…’ He said trying to set the things straight.

‘Who?’ She could not help but to be curious.

‘Think quickly, Gil’ he thought to himself. Suddenly he knew what to say.

‘Who?”

He remained silent for a short moment to increase her anticipation.‘Sarah!’

‘Sarah who?’ She and Phillip said in unison. As far as they knew, there were no girls in their High School by that name.

Gilson pointed to a poster of the national pop star in a commercial of shampoo. He had his little boy’s smile again when he added: ‘And I know that she falls for me too!’

It took another while to Luciana to get the meaning of what he had just said. When she finally understood it, she got really mad: ‘I thought that you were been serious. If I just get you, I’ll…’

The traffic light turned green for the pedestrians in the same moment that they ran crossin the street madly. She was chasing him to knock him out. Phillip smiled when he heard a scream of pain in the distance. ‘Yeah! She got him.’

The school’s buzz sounded, saying that it was five to one o’clock in the afternoon.

Large groups of students ran to get in on time for the first class.


[B]14:37[/B]
Physics lab – Gilson tries to talk to Phil again about his dream – Tatiana interrupts the conversation by eavesdropping and embarrassing him. They deny saying anything and the class laughs at Gilson – the cover made him look even worse. Tatiana is the only one that truly heard what he said and decides to investigate things a bit further. She is the “Gossip Girl” for the school. Gilson’s secret crush for Luciana was now in the wrong hands.

[B]15:00[/B]
Marco is walking to and fro inside his office. He still did not receive the call and had left Marconi about a thousand messages already. He had gotten no reply back from him. He was summoned upstairs to speak with Papa Nicholaus – the boss in his Law Company – the Delta Complex. He states that he just needs to hear something from his contact to conclude his investigation. He promises a report by the next morning. Papa Nicholaus seems pleased – weird grin. As he leaves his office, Marco decides not to wait any longer and to go to Marconi’s office in person, despite of his previous warnings for him not to do so.

[B]17:50[/B]
The Math teacher had called in sick and the students had been dismissed from that class. Gilson was sitting right in front of Luciana. Because it was winter, the sun was going down in the horizon already. They were talking about random things – mostly about anime – and he decides to spit out his feelings for her. He starts to say it timidly but was interrupted by this random guy who approached Luciana. He simply said hi and kissed her right in front of him. Sunset shot. Luciana introduced her new boyfriend to him. Not know how to react or to hide the emotions rushing through his face he says he has to go somewhere. She asked him what he wanted to tell her. ‘Nothing” and he rushes off to the end of the earth to hide away from his feelings.

[B]18:00[/B]
Marco arrives at Marconi’s office. It is a short office building. Nothing too fancy, he thinks, very much like Marconi. He had been a very good colleague to him and a good source of information when it came to Medical Fraud, his specialty. Marco goes into the building, strangely desert. Marconi was known for been an odd ball but the whole office atmosphere in this building just creeped Marcos out. He goes up on the stairs and hits the buzzer. No sound – he used to complain to Marconi how loud that buzzer was and that tickles him off. He tries the handle on the gate: open! He goes in to the common area of the building that all the individual offices faced. He walked up to Marconi’s office. The door was slightly open. He pushed it – it was all dark, the sun had already set. He touched the wall to turn the light switch on – if Marconi was not there, he might have left a note or something stating where he was going to next… Marco turned the lights on at the same time he felt something wet in his fingers. The fluorescent lights took a while to turn on and flashed for a couple of seconds, which made the whole scene a lot uglier/scarier. Right in front of him, sitting on his computer chair, was Marconi: his head falling back on the chair, his throat sliced open from one side to the other. Blood was everywhere. He ran as quickly as he could out of the building, dialing 911 on his cell phone.


[B]ZERO HOURS[/B]
Gilson is downtown, still wearing his school uniform. He had gone to the hospital to stay with his grandfather who was very ill. It was his father’s turn to make him company and he had phoned him stating that he would be a couple of hours late and asked Gilson to cover for him. Gilson laughed by himself remembering the last couple of hours: the old man, even sick, did not stop talking for a minute. Retired as a doctor, he had lots of interesting stories to tell – and he told them to everybody: doctors, nurses… he spared no one. It had been fun. Now, out of the hospital, all he needed to do was take the bus and go home – finally get that night of sleep he had dreamed of for the whole day.

He waits for the bus at the stop looking at the river before him dividing the traffic lanes on the street. “Weird! This part of town is never this desert!” he thought. All of a sudden, he hears the noise of cars coming on the other side at full speed. A sport car appears followed by a black car that is pushing it against the river wall. The wall gives in and the car falls. He heard muffled screams coming from the inside of the falling car and the noise of the metal falling on the concrete bottom of the river. It took a minute and he saw and heard a very loud explosion. This all seemed unreal, as if he was watching a movie. It all happened so fast as well. His mind was racing and instinctively he stepped back on the sidewalk not noticing a small depression on the ground, he lost his balance and fell. His head hit a bench (from the bus stop) while falling. He lost consciousness while looking at the flames coming from the concrete bottom of the river ahead of him.

This first book finishes with a shot of his unconscious body on the ground the fire coming out from the river – seen behind the river wall – and the sirens of ambulances coming to the rescue.

__________________________________________________________________
Observation: This story happens in my city in Brazil. The above-mentioned river – called Arrudas – was canalized around 1950 and the sewer system of the city was connected to it. During the raining season, the concrete bed artificially created for the river would not be visible, and any pedestrians would notice the stench if walking on the sidewalks adjacent to the river. This part of the story, however, happens during the winter – the dry season. Through recent construction work and renovation of the city, this river was once again canalized and changed into a subterranean river – at least for the part of the city that this scene happens.

You might be able to see pictures of the scenery by searching for the city “Belo Horizonte”, and the key words (in Portuguese): “Rio Arrudas” and “Praca da Estação).

[IMG]http://www.students.ic.unicamp.br/~970812/be310/Arrudas.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://www.uai.com.br/UAI/noticias/fotos/20080429071609525.jpg[/IMG]

[Chikara Kokoro]

When I first started reading this I wasn't all that interested, but as I kept on going (especially after you developed Gilson, who I will refer to from now on as Gil XD) I just became completely addicted to the story. I think this would work best (especially for you with your artistic talents) in comic form, but either way I really hope to read more.

The girl on the right looks incredibly familiar to me, but I have no idea as to why. Is that Luciana? I thought you said she had long hair?? Now I'm confused...

Major kudos for setting this in Brazil, it's not a very common location (in fact, I've only read one comic set there), but one that I would love to hear more of. Is this going to be written in Portuguese then? I could probably at least attempt to read it, but it always confuses me because when I first hear somebody speak it it sounds like Spanish (but then two seconds later I realize it isn't and I get all kinds of confused).

Back on topic. I like how you started with something exciting, and then brought it back to the beginning at the end. It's somewhat confusing in prose, but in comic form I think it would be good. Your descriptions are somewhat confusing at times, but once again, I think you can express yourself better with the addition of art

I like the direction of the dreams, as well. Still, try to leave out verbal cliches like "NOOOOOO!!!" because they've been used so much they can come off as humorous. A better idea would to have him perhaps say "no" repeatedly, but since you're using this to come out of a dream sequence I guess it's okay.
I like that Gil isn't the perfect image of machismo with the whole crying thing, but that might turn some readers off. Personally, I found him adorable, and I thought that the scenes that included him with his friends were very funny. They felt like something that would happen with my friends, which isn't something I notice often with works that people post on the internet. The grandapa character also reminds me of my own grandfather, which makes me smile, and smiling is good. :D

It took me a while to warm up to the story, but after Gil goes to school and especially after Marconi's death scene (very cool) I have one thing to say...

You better finish this! (in other words; keep me updated, mmk? ;))

If this is going to be in English you might want to consider getting a native English speaker to run a grammar check on your dialogue before posting your comic/story in its finished form anywhere. I'm impressed with how much you wrote and how well you did, but it might be a good idea to ask someone for help (heck, if asked nicely enough I'D be more than willing to help you).

Edit: Wooow... I wrote a LOT. Sorry! I hope it helps.... ^^;

[han ki-tae]

I've updated the text a little bit. Parts of it were copied and pasted from my three year old writting and required a lot of revisions.

Thanks for the feedback. I m really happy your thought that the situations Gil and his friends were in were believable. The high school system in Brazil is a lot different - starting from the fact it is only 3 yrs - but we've all learned how thinkgs work in Japan, why not learn more about thoer countries as well, right?

The fact that the boy cries on the beginning will tell you a lot about his personality. I cdont meant to fall into the nice guy cliche, but he is pretty close to it.

Now that these updates are done I'll move forward with the story.

[eureka454]

very good, i like it, it should definity be made into a manga from a book, good job:animesmil:smirk:[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"][INDENT] I removed the quote for you eureka454. There is no need to quote the entire beginning post. ~Aaryanna[/INDENT][/FONT][/COLOR]