Writing Darren May Cry

[Dragon Warrior]

[center][img]http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/1228/darrenmaycrybj0.jpg[/img][/center]

Hello, everyone. It has been a while since I've written an OB story, but I thought I'd toss my efforts out there once more. The following is a story loosely based off the [b]Devil May Cry[/b] game series. And when I say [i]loosely,[/i] I mean VERY loosely. However, you may recognize plenty of the characters in it, as they are possibly some familiar friends of yours from across the 'Boards. Please do enjoy and throw some comments out there about what you think :] Thanks.

[size=1][indent]Deep in the dark realms of the world, an evil sleeps. An evil so powerful, if awakened it could annihilate the entire existence of what we all know. Fortunately for us, that?s in some other dimension and those sorry bastards have to deal with it. Our story takes place in the magical, mysterious, and erotic world of Otakuvania. Many legends unravel within Otakuvania, such as the werewolf eating small girls in sexy red outfits on their way to their grandmother?s house. Or perhaps a demonic cookie of ginger running amuck, chanting evil incantations as he tortures peasants with his redundant catchphrase, ?You motha fuckahs can?t catch dis shit!? Or maybe you?re here to hear the sad, sad story of poor old Otakula, the local vampire.


?Okay, Mr. Otakula, you?re next.?

Otakula stood up and cleared his throat nervously. ?Uh, yes, good evening, fwiends. Umm? well, I am [i]Count[/i] Otakula, not [i]mister.[/i] There is a difference. And, umm? I have a drinking problem.?

?Hello, Mr. Otakula,? replied the therapy group.

?Otakula,? began the therapy leader. ?Why don?t you tell us about your little ?cravings?, hm??

?Well, alright.? Otakula cleared his throat again. ?Is it hot in here or is it just me? Well, umm? you see, I am what people call dead, or maybe even a vampire and-?

?Oh, no, no, Mr. Otakula,? the therapy leader interrupted. ?We don?t use words that hurt us here. ?Dead? and ?vampire? are hateful, hurtful things. Let?s try to avoid them.?

?You know what?s hurtful is you calling me, mister, you son of a bitch.? Otakula shifted in place for a moment, and fumbled for his words. ?Where was I? Oh yes? so, I like to kill people and drink their blood. You know? It?s what I do. I enjoy it. It tastes good.?

?He kills people and sucks their blood because it?s good,? the therapy leader repeated for everyone.

?I said ?drink? their blood, not ?suck.? This isn?t a pornography. Don?t make me out to be that guy.?

?So, tell us, Mr. Otakula, why do you find blood so yummy??

?I never called it ?yummy,? either. You?re making me sound like a fruitcake. Do I look like a fruitbat to you? There?s a difference.?

?We?re all friends here, Mr. Otakula,? cooed the therapy leader. ?Would you like to hold the therapy teddy??

?The therapy teddy is going right up your ass if you call me Mr. Otakula again, let me tell you.?

?I sense some anger coming from Mr. Otakula.?

?Oh, that?s it! RAWR!?

?OMG, MY EYES!?

?SATAN HAS BEEN FREED!?

?WHERE?S MY THIRD TESTICLE?!?


Okay, perhaps we should leave Otakula?s story alone. Let us go to a different time and place where a much more interesting story unfolds; one filled with revenge, betrayal, carnies, and nobody has a third testicle. This is the story of Darren.

[center][b]CHAPTER ONE: The Story Of Darren[/b][/center]


?Okay, so let?s see here,? Charles said, looking through the rulebook. ?Faldor and Evelyn enter the-?

?Aralyn,? Vicky interrupted.

?Huh? I?m sorry??

?Aralyn. It?s Aralyn.?

?Oh, my mistake. Faldor and [i]Aralyn[/i] enter the dungeon equipped with the magic scrolls.?

?I cast Ultima on the monster,? Darren cooed.

?You? you, wait, what?? Charles looked confused. ?Darren, there is no monster. How could Faldor cast that on a monster that isn?t even there??

?Didn?t you say the Sandlox were in the dungeon?? Darren argued.

?Well, yeah, but??

?You did say that, Charles,? Vicky put in.

Darren nodded. ?You said it before we left the town for the dungeon.?

Charles put down the rulebook. ?Look, the townsperson told you the Sandlox nested there, but that doesn?t mean one is right at the goddamn entrance, alright??

?Well, we?re just able to walk in?? Vicky said puzzled.

?Yeah, that seems pretty easy,? Darren smirked. ?Some dungeon.?

Charles held his head. ?Oh my God, you guys? shut? up. You?re both barely past level five, you?re not going to be fighting giant levithans yet.?

?I cast Ultima on the Sandlox then,? Darren commanded.

?No, no you don?t,? Charles screamed. ?Faldor doesn?t know Ultima. For God sakes, that?s a spell for level fifty mages. You?re a hobbit thief. You?re not even capable of most spells.?

?Oh,? Darren frowned. ?Well, could I use the magic scroll from the townsperson to change myself into a level fifty elf mage??

Charles stared blankly. ?That? doesn?t even make sense!?

?Or maybe you could ask the mage in the dungeon to change you,? Vicky suggested. Darren nodded happily in agreement, but Charles looked moderately annoyed.

?Hello?!? Charles shouted. ?Have you two even been mentally present this whole time? Where in God?s green goodness did you get the idea that you could magically change class and level, much less race, in the middle of the god forsaken game??

?Right here on this page from the rulebook,? Darren said, pointing to a paper.

?Darren, that?s a placemat from Pizza Hut.?

?I?m hungry,? Darren moaned.

?Will you stop it?? Charles said aggravated. ?I?m the Dungeon Master. Can we at least get through the first dungeon?? Vicky and Darren reluctantly agreed by nodding and the game continued. Charles appeared to be back in high spirits once his position of DM commenced once more. ?Okay, so Faldor and whatever her name is are in the dungeon. Suddenly, a Sandlox appears!?

?ULTIMA!? Darren shouted. ?FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS ANIME, ULTIMA!?

?YOU DON?T FUCKING HAVE ULTIMA!? Charles screamed. ?YOU IGNORANT LITTLE SACK OF DICKS! There is no way in HELL a sixty-pound HOBBIT could manage a magical black incantation capable of annihilating an entire mountain range! You stupid little sack wrinkle!?

Darren?s lip quivered. ?Well, I just thought??

?You don?t think, Darren,? Charles said. ?You?re a big? flubbernugget!?

Vicky dropped her hamburger in astonishment (yes, she had a hamburger). Darren?s mouth dropped wide open. DeLarge dropped his pants (he was watching from the corner). Charles suddenly realized what he had done, but couldn?t manage the words to fix it.

?I can?t believe you just called me that.?

?Darren, I??

Darren interrupted Charles. ?I?ve heard enough.? He burst into tears and ran off. ?I?m going to my room! Where?s My Little Pony?? After Darren?s departure, there was an awkward silence. Then Charles decided to stand up and scoot out his chair.

?Well, it?s been fun. I better hit the trail.? And with that, he took off in a sprint to his submarine parked outside and he flew away.

Yes. He flew.

?I wish I had more lines in this,? Vicky pouted.


Meanwhile, somewhere far from the Otaku Theatre where the game of D&D was being played, a local member of Otakuvania named Jeremy was enjoying a warm, summer day. ?Boy, it?s a great day,? Jeremy said cheerfully. He was approached by his friend Lrb, who had a rather disturbing smile on his face. ?Say, Lrb,? Jeremy said, greeting his friend with a handshake, ?what?s up with that disturbing smile on your face??

?Today?s the day,? Lrb purred.

?Did you just purr??

?Today?s the day I?m going to ask Anomaly to marry me.?

?Lrb, she doesn?t even know you exist,? Jeremy stated.

?That?ll soon change when I give her this ring.? And with that, Lrb pulled out a large, gold ring.

?Lrb!? Jeremy squeeled as though he was Anomaly himself. ?That must have cost a fortune! But where did you get it??

?Well, uh??


Meanwhile, far, far away?

?Do you have it?? Frodo asked.

?No, I don?t!? Sam replied.

?Shit, shit, shit! Fuck!?

?Stop swearing, Frodo. You?re hurting my prudish ears.?

?Shut the fuck up, Sam! I?m trying to think.? Sam shut up and Frodo began to pace while pondering the problem at hand. ?Okay, okay, so we were in that strip club, and? ugh, what was that slut?s name??

?Uh, Frodo,? Sam began, ?I was thinking??

Frodo didn?t seem to be listening. ?? then we had some of that hardcore shit from the Shire? that fucked me up??

?? maybe after this whole Mt. Doom thing is over,? Sam continued, ?you and I could? you know??

?Oh, for fuck sake, Sam! It?s not going to happen!?

?Oh, okay, okay,? Sam said, backing off. ?It?s cool, I?m cool.? There was a pause of silence while Frodo went back to thinking. ?I watch you sleep.?

?What??

?Nothing.?


?Okay, Lrb, what?s the plan?? Jeremy asked.

?I have it all figured out,? Lrb said, excited. ?I?m going to walk up to her place and present the ring.?

Jeremy waited for a moment, then realized that Lrb was finished. ?That?s it? That?s the whole plan??

?Yes.?

?Wow, and I thought Taylor Hicks sucked, but that plan is awful. C?mon, Lrb, you can do better than that.?

Lrb thought for a moment, then looked to Jeremy. ?Do I? do I touch her boob??

?Lrb, you haven?t been with a lot of girls, have you??

?I took my cousin to prom.?

Before Jeremy could answer, Darren came running up to them crying. ?Darren,? Jeremy said astounded. ?How?d you get here so fast? Only a few seconds ago you were hundreds of miles away in the Otaku Theatre. Now you?re here in the Otaku Lounge with us.? Darren thought about this, but could not think of an explanation. Therefore, that part of the story was skipped. ?What happened to you, Darren??

?Did somebody make you cry?? Lrb asked.

Betweens sniffles and weeps, Darren managed to say one word. ?Rosebud.?

?Rosebud?? Jeremy repeated.

?Sorry,? Darren apologized. ?I meant, Charles.?

?Charles,? Jeremy and Lrb said in unison. Then they stared at each other. It was awkward.

?What?d Charles do?? Jeremy asked.

?He? he?? Darren could hardly manage to say it. ?He called me a? flubbernugget.? The whole town gasped in horror.

?Whore?? DeLarge said, popping out of a barrel.

?No,? Jeremy replied. ?He said [i]horror[/i], not whore.?

?Oh. Okay then.? And so, DeLarge disappeared in the barrel once again and turned on the song ?Stayin? Alive.?

?Is that a disco ball in there?? Lrb questioned the barrel.

?I can?t believe he?d call you that, Darren,? Jeremy said. ?And he made you cry!?

?Well, Darren may cry,? Lrb said. There was a moment of silence while everyone realized it was, in fact, the title of the story.

?Clever,? Jeremy noted. He then turned his attention back to Darren. ?You must do something about it, Darren.?

?Do I? do I touch his boob??

Jeremy slapped his own face. ?We?re going to need to enlist the services of the Witch of the Boards. She?ll tell us where to find Charles.?

?I?m sure we could just ask someone where he lives,? Lrb suggested. ?He?s a pretty well-known member and-?

?To the Witch!? Jeremy shouted and off they went. As they were walking, Lrb beamed at the ring he?d give to his love. He then pocketed it and looked straight ahead, which happened to be Jeremy?s butt. ?Take a picture, it?ll last longer,? Jeremy glared.

?Way ahead of you,? Lrb said with a Polaroid in hand.

They had arrived at the Witch?s house, which was conveniently just down the street from where they were standing. The place was very well kept and you wouldn?t be able to tell a witch occupied the residence.

?This place smells like old lady feet,? Darren whined. Suddenly, a flash of lightning lit the sky like a strobe light and the three found themselves frightened.

?Should we try the door?? Lrb asked, clinging to Jeremy.

?Probably,? Jeremy answered. ?And stop hugging my bladder. I just had a lot of mac and cheese.?

?What?s that have to do with your bladder??

?You don?t want to know.? Jeremy crept towards the door and slowly knocked. The sound of footsteps could be heard from the other side, and suddenly the door swung open. The three gaped in horror.

?This would be a great place for a cliffhanger,? Lrb said.

?Good idea,? Jeremy agreed. The three waited and waited.

?Any time now,? Darren said. They continued to wait.

?Oh, c?mon,? Jeremy shouted.

Fine.[/size][/indent]

[Darren]

Haha. I laughed very hard. Good job DW. I'm just glad that I've finally received a parody about me!

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Sam and Frodo insertion literally made me laugh out loud.

As in I had one arm wrapped helplessly around my chair so I wouldn't fall out of it. And as I already told you while shameless massaging your enormous manhood-I mean ego... The graphic is also hilarious. Keep it up or I'll beat you. And if you don't make me fucking beautiful I swear I'll sue your ass off.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[quote name='Raiha'][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Sam and Frodo insertion literally made me laugh out loud.[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[SIZE="1"]Definitely my favourite lines as well, particularly the last "I watch you sleep" from Sam, it was just so completely random and obsessive.

Needless to say Gav, I'll keep reading, laughing and looking forward to the next chapter.[/SIZE]

[DeLarge]

[SIZE=1]The Sam and Frodo bit is so much funnier if you read Sam's lines in his accent.

Also, wtf?! I have possibly the most random part to play in this story. But fair's fair, I would totally drop my pants in that situation. Or most situations, for that matter. And if I had a barrel that I stayed in then "Stayin' Alive" would definitely be my barrel-based theme tune.

I'm waiting to see if this evolves into anything even slightly more DMC-shaped, but either way I'll be enjoying it.
[/SIZE]

[Shy]

[size=1]I must say that the title to this story made me laugh quite a bit, Well played.

-Shy[/size]

[Kre]

Very nicely done. Lmao, it had a good number of laughs. Some of the parts were really random, and I mean [i]really[/i]. But in the end that just made it better. And to jump on the bandwagon like everyone else, the Sam and Frodo bit was hilarious.

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]Well, already in the first paragraph I found myself laughing, and the whole AA meeting thing was pure gold, oh shit the whole story was gold. I really enjoyed DeLarge's random parts, and the Sam and Frodo bit was [strike]much like a wet-dream I had recently[/strike] just funny.

I also like banner for the story, it sort of sets an emo tone for the story though :p Anyways, keep writing and I'll keep reading.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]I laughed once somewhere in there, but I can't remember where. I think it was after Sam and Frodo and before bladders and mac & cheese. It was a good laugh, too.

Oh, right, now I remember.
[QUOTE][SIZE="1"]Jeremy slapped his own face.[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
That was hilarious. I mean, there's nothin' quite like givin' yourself the ole' bitch-slap. :D

You've got the groaner lines down perfect, though.[/FONT]

[The Spectacular Professor]

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]That was flipping brilliant. Now I know why that inferiority complex keeps kicking in. You are the first and still the best at this kind of thing, man.

And the AA bit was probably the funniest thing I've ever read.[/FONT]

[liamc2]

[FONT="Trebuchet MS"][SIZE="1"]I have to say DW, I didn't realise how much I missed you until now. [I live too far away to watch you sleep, but I'm trying].

I haven't laughed so much and so frequently, in a long time. Comedic timing, absurdity and a distorted reality. So many different types of perfect humour that leaves you reeling...it has to be a [b]DW Production[/b] ^_^[/SIZE][/FONT]

[James]

[font=franklin gothic medium]Great stuff, DW. So good to see you back.

[size=1]Now [b]stay[/b] back...or else![/size]

But seriously, this is great. I hope to see the next part soon. :catgirl:[/font]

[Ellerby]

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DimGray"]Oooh this is one of your funniest stories yet and I'm honored to be in it. :catgirl:

So many good moments. The best of which was Darrens obsession with wanting to cast Ultima. It's a level 55 black mage spell for God's sake! Ahaha.

I can't find any flaws in it. Every joke is perfectly placed and made me laugh aloud. The writing is good, of course, and I like how it's clearly an OB Parody but isn't obvious from the get go.
[quote name='THE STORY!!!']“Charles,” Jeremy and Lrb said in unison. Then they stared at each other. It was awkward.[/quote]
Funny! But I [I]so[/I] would have called jinx. I can't wait for more![/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Geez, guys. I wasn't expecting such a response. I'm flattered, really :] I'll do my best to keep this one going right to the end. And as promised, here's chapter two![/size]

[center][b]Chapter Two: Darren Probably Will Cry[/b][/center]

[size=1]When we last left our awesome friends, they were waiting to find out who was approaching the scary door of the witch’s house. Jeremy shivered, Darren cried, Lrb checked his MySpace. It was all very upsetting.

“No new comments? Not even a message? This site blows.” Lrb sat down and pouted.

“Stop whining,” Jeremy said, accepting thirteen friend requests. “Just because you’re not popular.”

“I am too!” Lrb shouted. “My mom said I was.”

“Your mom added me last night,” Darren smirked. Jeremy and Darren then had a good laugh. Lrb cried. Hey, isn’t this called [i]Darren[/i] May Cry? WTF?

“Look, Lrb,” Jeremy said, resting an arm on the shoulder of his weeping companion, “this is not a likeability contest in the end. It’s to see how many strangers you can add to make it look like you’re popular so maybe, by some [i]fat[/i] chance, in the far future, some slutty, STD-infested college skank will slob your knob in the bathroom next to the Physics department in some run-down community college in a small town no one has ever heard of a few miles off Seattle, Washington. So as you can see, Lrb, it’s not worth the trouble for a quickie.” Lrb nodded, smiled, and went on his way. Jeremy looked satisfied. “Bytheway, everyone who is reading this story, add me!”

[center][SIZE="4"][URL="http://www.myspace.com/jeremyishotttt"]http://www.myspace.com/jeremyishotttt[/URL][/size][/center]

“Guys, look!” Darren shouted pointing using his finger in the particular direction he wanted them to use their eyes and look. “I think whoever was going to open the door about five minutes ago is finally going to do it!”

“About damn time,” Jeremy grumbled. “We’ve been delaying it for God knows how long.”

“Shhh!” Darren hushed them. The door slowly crept open and out stepped a man of great height. He appeared very stern wearing an expressionless face on his… er… face. He then removed said face and underneath, you could see one of very similar qualities. The guy was very stern, let’s just say that.

Then he spoke.

“Knock, knock.”

Darren, Lrb, and Jeremy all stared at each other. “What?” Lrb replied.

“Knock, knock,” repeated the strange man.

“Who’s there?” Jeremy answered.

“Interrupting cow,” said the man.

“Interrupting co-”

“MOO!” shouted the man, who then proceeded to burst into laughter at his own joke. “I love that one. Get it? I interrupted you. ‘Cause I’m… haha… the cow… LOL!”

“You’re startin’ to freak us out, mister,” Darren whimpered.

“Sorry,” apologized the man. “I am Shinmaru, the local… umm… well, I’m actually not sure what my job is.”

“Are you the butler?” Jeremy asked.

The man shook his head. “Oh, no. I don’t work here.”

“So what are you doing here then?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even live here.” And with that, Shinmaru stepped past them and walked away. There was a silence. It was awkward.

“I’m not sure what to make of this,” Darren said. Then they entered.


Meanwhile, far off in Evil Land…

“Why did I call it Evil Land?” Charles pondered out loud to himself. “I mean, am I [i]that[/i] lacking in creativity?”

“Sir, she’s here,” said a rather disgusting servant.

“Thank you, random servant I haven’t bothered to learn the name of and never will. You’ve done well.”

“It’s Ikillion. But thank you, sir,” smiled the servant, who then sneezed out some rather disgusting snot onto the stone floor. Both he and Charles stared at it momentarily.

“That was… what is that?”

“I think it was an organ,” Ikillion cried.

“It’s horribly grotesque. Guards! Kill this man!”

“I think there’s blood in it,” Ikillion shouted, before being dragged off to be executed.

“Now where was I?” Charles thought for a moment. “Ah yes, what color shall I paint my toenails today?”

“There is no time for that, sir,” said a guard. “She is here to see you. Besides, you’ll paint your toenails tonight at the sleepover.”

“Oh yes!” Charles said giddily. “I can’t wait for that. We’ll eat gallons of ice cream and watch The Notebook!”

The guard stared at his master. “Yeeeeeaaahh… bring her in!”

A tall figure stepped into the large room, donned in a long flowing cape accompanied by many tassels. I mean, this thing had a [i]lot[/i] of tassels. We’re talkin’ a cat would have a field day here. At one point, Charles even questioned it in his mind. She looked like a walking rug or some kind of large throw pillow. Nevertheless, Charles smiled and greeted her. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Shut the fuck up,” she snapped.

“Okay.”

“I can’t believe you’d dare call me after what happened.”

“She was nothing, dear,” Charles said in a soft tone. “Honestly.”

“Oh, she was?” the woman replied in a soft tone also. “What? I didn’t use a soft tone. I was yelling.” Oh, sorry. I’m getting confused. “Anyway, Charles, she was a little more than nothing for you to be cheating on me with her.”

“Oh, come on, dear, no one ever [i]actually[/i] took those OB marriages for real. They were something to put in your signature, maybe laugh about in an IM.”

“It meant something to be, you arrogant dick!” She then began to cry. Charles lightly—and cautiously—put his arms around her.

“I’m sorry, honey. It was only a few private messages.”

“I don’t think I can trust you anymore, Charles,” she said through sniffles. “You’re a big… doodyface.”

“Doodyface?”

“I’m too angry to come up with appropriate, mature insults.”

“Look, dear, can’t we let bygones be bygones? They certainly can’t be hellogones, so what else could they be?”

The woman shook her head at his stupidity. “I’m here for business, not for you and me. I’m done with you. After you broke my heart, I just couldn’t stand to see you.”

“I noticed you stopped coming by the area.”

“Well, yeah,” the woman said, sitting down on one of the numerous couches. “I mean, I couldn’t take it anymore. To see you in the threads, to see your name even in the Who’s Online section. It was just too much, Charles.”

“I’m sorry I ever hurt you, Raiha.”

The woman glanced up. “It’s so good to hear you say my name again.”

She stood up from her seat and approached him. In Raiha’s mind there and then, she thought this could be where they finally forgave each other. In Charles’ mind, he thought this could be where they got it on hardcore. But they were both wrong.

A man burst through the doors interrupting. “Guys, I think you should see this,” DeLarge said, out of breath.

“Thanks, DeLarge,” Charles replied. “Wait, why aren’t you wearing pants?”


Jeremy, Lrb, and Darren lurked about the large mansion. It was dark, scary, and smelt faintly of avocados. The witch most likely enjoyed a good guacamole. “Hello?” Darren decided to call out. Jeremy punched him in the face, and threw him into a chair, breaking both the chair and Darren’s poor little heart. “WTF, Jeremy?”

“Sorry, man,” Jeremy said. “But when someone calls out ‘hello’ into a dark, spooky place, that’s when the black guy gets killed. Don’t you watch movies?”

“But none of us are black,” Darren argued.

“Or so you think,” Lrb said softly, shifting his eyes.

“Halt, intruders!” came a voice from up the stairs.

“Shit, I told you,” Jeremy said, punching Darren again.

“Will you stop doing that?”

“Yes, stop it,” came the voice again. “Besides, I already knew you were here, you dinks.”

“But how?” Jeremy asked.

“I’m a fuckin’ sorcerer. I can cast a spell that could wipe out Kansas City and you don’t think I can tell when a couple of kids are knockin’ back a few in my own living room?” Lrb suddenly hid his can of OBeer.

Darren’s voice was cracky, but he spoke anyways. “Are you the witch?”

“Oh, for the love of Adam’s Angels, I’m not a witch! Why does everyone think I’m a witch?”

“But you just said-”

“I know what I said,” snapped the voice. “I am a sorcerer, yes. But not a witch. A witch is a girl. I’m a flippin’ guy.”

“Really?” Jeremy said surprised. “You do sound like a girl.”

“I’m drunk.”

“Oooh,” said Jeremy, Darren, and Lrb in unison.

The body fitting to the voice finally came downstairs, but suddenly tripped on a step at the top and came crashing through the banister into a coffee table below in front of the three heroes. It was certainly apparent that the sorcerer was, in fact, drunk. Jeremy poked him with a piece of the staircase railing.

“Is he dead?” Lrb asked.

“He smells dead,” Darren replied.

Suddenly, the body began to move and the sorcerer turned over on his back. “Behold, I am DW, the great and powerful and intoxicated sorcerer of Otakuvania. I am very famous.”

“Oh yeah?” Lrb scoffed. “I’ve never heard of you.”

“Ah,” DW smiled, “but you’ve heard of my work, I bet. I made the moon landing possible. I sank the Titanic. Not my proudest moment. Neither was making Sarah Jessica Parker more attractive.”

“Really?” Darren said wide-eyed. “It doesn’t look like you did anything.”

“Trust me, if you drink enough like I do, anyone looks good.” The three nodded. “Now help my drunk ass up.” They all grabbed hold of the sorcerer’s arms and sat him down in a chair. “Now what do you little spammers wants?”

“Well…” Jeremy began.

Meanwhile, with the-

“Oh, c’mon!” Jeremy complained. “I didn’t even get to finish.”

“Hey, hey,” Charles shouted, “I have to tell my half of the story too.”

“Oh yeah, like you’re so friggin’ important.”

“I’m the antagonist, you fresh-mouthed ballsack!”

“You’re so vulgar!”

“You’re so DEAD!”

Shut up, both of you. Jeremy, we’ll get back to you in a second. It’s Charles’ turn.

“Fine,” Jeremy said, crossing his arms.

Ahem. Anyway… meanwhile back with the villains, we find Charles, Raiha, and a pantsless DeLarge huddled around a crystal ball. “When did we get one of these?” Charles asked.

“Shut up and look!” Raiha shouted. They peered into the ball and saw Jeremy, Darren, and Lrb talking to DW.

“Those little skanks,” Charles said angrily. “I can’t believe they went to him. Of all the people. That’s not fair! Not fair, I tell you!”

“Oh, stop whining,” Raiha grumbled. “DW is a booze-hound now. He won’t get them anywhere.”

Charles chuckled deviously. “Especially since we have you now, my dear.”

“Maybe,” Raiha said. “If you really need my help. I don’t think I need to waste my time on such a simple job. You see if you can take care of this. Though, I think these idiots could outsmart you, you fool.” She then walked out, leaving Charles to mope.

“Don’t you worry, honey! They won’t get far without this,” he shouted, holding a stuffed penguin named Lumiere. “Hehe, he’s so cute.”


Back with the heroes…

“… we need to find Charles,” Jeremy said. “Phew, it took, like, forever to say that line.”

Shut up.

“Well, I see,” DW said, tossing everyone a can of OBeer. “If you think you’re worthy of my sexy and drunken services, you will have to pass a little testicle.”

“What?”

“Test. I said test.”

“Okay…”

“You must defeat my three apprentices in the black arts.” Suddenly, three shadowy, ninja-looking figures materialized from the dark. “Meet Lunox, CrimsonKnight, and Neptune. They friggin’ ROCK!” And with that, Lunox, CrimsonKnight, and Neptune all unleashed their amazing powers using fire, wind, and lightning. The heroes pissed themselves.

“Hey,” Jeremy yelled. “No we didn’t.” Hehe. “Hey, DW, what gives? Why do we have to defeat them?”

“It’ll be fun,” DW said flatly.

“Really?” Darren replied. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” There was a silence.

Lrb stared blankly. “FUCK. LOL.”

The three apprentices approached the heroes. Things were looking bleak, especially since Charles had a new companion on his side. Though our heroes don’t know that. They’re a tad preoccupied. So I’d say this is a good time for a cliffhanger.

“No!” Jeremy cried. “Don’t leave us here to die!”

“I’m a lover, not a fighter!” Lrb whimpered.

“Where are my pants? :^D” a nude DeLarge asked.

Darren covered his eyes. “Seriously, will someone give that man some clothes?”

Will they defeat the apprentices? Will Charles be victorious? Where the frick are DeLarge’s clothes? Seriously. That’s… gross. Find out next time and…

…

… I’ve got nothin’.[/size]

[Rachmaninoff]

No clothes... o_O This is definitely interesting even if the name throws me for a loop at times. XP Still as Allamorph pointed out in the first chapter, nothing like giving yourself the 'bitch' slap. lol

[DeLarge]

[SIZE=1]Hurrah! I'm a villain!

A nude villain, admittedly, but a villain nonetheless. Another side-splitting installment, DW, you have a gift.

Where [I]are [/I]my clothes?
[/SIZE]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]She's gone. I am abused; and my relief must be to loathe her. O curse of marriage !!
- Gavin on his wife's affair with Charles

[B]Indi:[/B] Hey wait, that's from Othello.

[B]Me:[/B] Shut up. ¬_¬[/SIZE]

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Well since all reality apparently has been completely superceeded here, I guess the part where I'm the one who was married to Charles makes... Absolutely no sense at all.

Because I've always been married to Gavin. Charles was a fling to make the obsessed girls jealous. And it worked SO well. At least I have a crystal ball and a warm throw rug.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1]Yes, I do wish I had more lines in this.

(Clever story though XD )[/SIZE]

[Jeremy]

[SIZE="1"]I like my role in this ; p

But yeah, I'm enjoying the story so far DW, very much so. It's an enjoyable read, and you keep me wanting more. :smirk:[/SIZE]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]It's been a while, I know, but I'm here to finish this story up as promised. Here's the next chapter as we near the end of the story.[/size]

[center][b]CHAPTER THREE: Death's A Bitch[/b][/center]

[indent][size=1]Out of nowhere CrimsonKnight unleashed a volley of flaming hot fire, but Lrb nimbly dodged. Lunox was next, tossing Darren through the air with a wind technique. Neptune shot lightning from his armpit.

“Okay, wait, what?” Jeremy stopped. “From his armpit? Really, guys?”

“What?” DW asked.

“C’mon… does it have to be the armpit?”

“What? You not like deh armpit lightning?” Neptune inquired in a thick Israeli accent (for reasons unknown… he has American background).

“I’m just saying, that’s disgusting. Can’t you shoot it from somewhere else?”

“Armpit is where lightning booms from!”

“Guys, guys,” Darren interrupted. “It’s not important. They’ll die in seconds anyway, Jeremy. We’re the heroes. We can’t die.”

CrimsonKnight then proceeded to kill Darren with a large axe.

“HOLY FUK!” Lrb screamed before being burnt to death by CrimsonKnight’s flames.

“Why do you do this?” Neptune asked CrimsonKnight.

“What?” CrimsonKnight said innocently in return.

“Why must you always make with zee killing fast, eh? Dat leaves no fun for others.”

“They were cocky.”

“Cocky? No. You, sir, are cocky. Now what will Lunox and I do?”

Lunox then killed Jeremy with an assault rifle.

“Okay, wtf?” Neptune shouted. “Those don’t even exist. What going on in minds of yours? C’mon! I have no fun now. I no make the killings.”

“Your accent is fairly offense and stereotypically incorrect,” Lunox stated.

“I hate your face,” Neptune pouted.

DW stared at the dead heroes. “Guess this story is no longer about them. C’mon, guys, it’s just you and…” Turning towards Lunox, CrimsonKnight, and Neptune, he realized all of them were dead as well. “Idiots. You’re lucky I’m drunk or I’d resurrect you and kill you all again.” Cracking open another OBeer, DW pondered. “Now who will co-star in my show?”[/indent]


[b][center]IT’S THE DW AND ACEBURNER SHOW![/center][/b]

[indent]“DW, I’m home!” Aceburner shouted cheerfully as he glided through the door to his lovely suburban home.

“Aceburner, where have you been?” DW said grumpily, shaking a spatula at his spouse before wiping it on his apron. “I’ve been worried sick.”

“Sorry, dear,” Ace said, “but the boss had me working late.”

“That James is a nogoodnik. I don’t like him.”

“Oh, c’mon, honey, it’s good money.” Aceburner placed his suit jacket on the back of a chair and sat down at the dinner table. “Besides, I feel a promotion coming on.”

“You always say that, but last time right before you got a promotion, the Black Plague struck your whole office and everyone died from disease.”

Aceburner let out a small chuckle. “Haha, ooohhh, yes. I almost forgot. That Frank… he always comes into work, sick or not. So, what are we having?”

“Spam and internet cookies,” DW said brightly as he dished them onto Aceburner’s plate.

“Mmm… why, that sounds just swell. Say, I invited cheese master over for dinner tonight too.”

DW dropped a pot of spam and half the kitchen exploded through black magic. “What?! Aceburner, I didn’t make enough for three.”

“He can have mine, dear. It’s no problem. No need to summon the powers of evil.” Aceburner let out another small chuckle.

“It’s not even that. You don’t tell me anything.”

“Oh, come now,” Ace said with a smile. “It’s all good.”

“Ace… I--” DW began when suddenly a head popped around the corner.

“Say, who cut the cheese?” Aceburner laughed and greeted his friend.

“Cheese master! How are you?”

Cheese master’s smile quickly became serious. “Lactose intolerant… oddly enough.” Her smirk returned as they both seated themselves at the dinner table. “So, what are we having?”

“I made spam and cookies,” DW replied, fairly annoyed and making it apparent

“Sounds great, Mrs. Ace,” cheese master said, flashing DW that famous cheese master smile. “And might I add how lovely you look in that large yellow hat. Haha.”

The other half of the kitchen was suddenly obliterated and cheese master was no more.

“Honey,” Aceburner said calmly through bites of his spam, “I have a feeling something’s bothering you.”

“What makes you say that?” DW said, smiling.

“Well, for one, you just zapped my co-worker and friend into vapor dust.” The two peered momentarily at the sizzling ash that was once cheese master.

“Oh, Ace,” DW began, “I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I…” DW stopped, sighed, and looked at his husband. “I’m pregnant.”

“WTF?” Aceburner shouted, standing up. “WTF is wrong with you? We’re two guys!”

“Yeah, but… we’re married.”

“Yeah, but that was a joke. You know? Two guys doing an OB signature marriage. Ha ha, right? Get it? It’s a joke!”

“I’m sorry, Ace, but…”

“We’ve never even cybered. This is too weird for me.” With that, Aceburner banned himself.

“Awkward,” DW said. He then looked around the room at the smoking, charred remains of their house. “Now who will clean all this up?” The audience burst into laughter, applauded, and the show went to commercial break.


Meanwhile, far away in Purtakugory, our three heroes find themselves waiting in… well… a waiting room. Ergo the name, waiting room. “Where are we?” Darren asked.

“I’m not sure,” Lrb replied. “But I feel… dead.”

“That’s because we are dead,” Jeremy said flatly. “I mean, look. We’re in Purtakugory, the obvious play on words cleverly putting ‘otaku’ into the name purgatory, where we sit and await our fate to see if we go to Heaven or Hell.” Darren and Lrb stared at Jeremy. “I watch a lot of HBO.”

“I can’t be dead!” Darren shouted. “I’m supposed to kill Charles for calling me mean things!”

“It’ll have to wait,” Lrb said, calming his friend. “Now hand me that copy of Maxim. Megan Fox is on the cover.”

A woman who was both very chibi and very horse looked up from her window and spoke. “Next up are Jeremy, Darren, and Lrb.” She then coughed and wheezed. Sorry. She must’ve been hoarse, not horse. Honest mistake. The three protagonists approached the window. “Hello. I’m Chibihorsewoman. It’s not nice to meet you.” She lit a cigarette. “Now look, I want you out of here just as much as you do, so shuddup and listen. It’s an easy procedure, so if you follow it right, nothin’ will go wrong, got it?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Jeremy answered for the three.

“Good. I like you.”

“Really?”

“No. Now fill out this paperwork.” She then proceeded to hand them stacks and stacks of hundreds of papers.

“This will take forever,” Darren whined.

“Where you’re going, it don’t matter,” Chibihorsewoman grumbled.

“I hate this place,” Lrb cried.

“You have no idea,” replied the woman, who then closed her window and went on break. The three sat down in the waiting room and began to fill out the papers. Thumbing through the pages, Lrb realized that it was a lot of the same garbage he’d have to fill out in a doctor’s office back in the living world.

“I never imagined the Land of the Dead to be like this,” Lrb said.

“Oh, dis ain’t the land of the dead,” said a rather old man. He turned his head and smiled a toothless mouth at the three. “Name’s 2008DigitalBoy.”

“Digital[i]boy[/i]?” Jeremy smirked. “You don’t look like a boy.”

“I was a boy when I got here,” said the old man. “They’re pretty serious about the paperwork.” The three heroes moaned. “Don’t worry, boys. I’ve been figuring out a plan on how to get out of here for years. I’ll let you in on it.”

“Really?” Darren smiled. “You’d do that?”

“Fuck no,” the old man laughed. “You dumbasses are stuck here. Later, bitches.” And with that, 2008Digitalboy turned in his paperwork and was sent to Heaven. Go figure.

“We’ll never get out of here,” Darren whined.

“I beg to differ,” said a woman dressed in a large white suit. She glowed with a bright and beautiful illumination.

“God?” the three said in unison.

“Umm… not quite. But close. I am chibi-master.”

“Are you going to get us out of here?” Jeremy asked.

“I have a way to help you, yes,” chibi-master replied.

“Yay!” Lrb squealed. “No more waiting room, no more nasty paperwork, no more ugly horse women!”

“That’s my wife,” chibi-master said disdainfully. Everyone stared at Lrb. It was awkward.


“I don’t know how you did it,” Raiha said, bursting through the bathroom door of Charles’ castle, “but you somehow managed to kill them.”

“What?” Charles shouted, squeaking his rubber ducky as he sat up in the tub. “What do you mean?”

“Jeremy, Darren, and Lrb. They’re dead.”

“How could this be? I have done nothing but shave my legs since our last meeting.”

“You mean…” Raiha thought for a moment. “Could it be they’re more moronic than you and they killed themselves?”

“Oh, joyous day!” Charles shouted, standing up in the tub. “Hug me!”

“Not until you put on some pants,” Raiha said, disgusted at the nude sight.

“Hey, guys, you should see this,” DeLarge said, walking into the bathroom. His gaze drifted from Raiha to the nude Charles. “Oh, are we doing that?” He then proceeded to drop his pants.


“You see,” DeLarge explained as they walked into the large room of evil, “I was watching porn in the crystal ball when I spotted this.” Raiha and Charles peered into the ball.

“We’ll always be friends… forever…” said a small fox.

“I love this movie!” Charles shouted. “Fox and the Hound is so sweet.”

“Sorry,” DeLarge said, shaking his head. “I was watching that earlier. Here it is.” The crystal ball commenced with the imagery and Darren, Jeremy, and Lrb materialized. Then chibi-master stepped into view.

“Chibi-master!” Raiha screamed. “How do these three have all the right connections?”

Charles nodded. “Yeah, for being a couple of average joes, they sure get things right.”

“Chibi-master is helping them come back to the world of the living,” Raiha grumbled, gripping Charles by the collar. “But not if we can help it.”

“How can we stop them if they’re dead and we’re alive?” DeLarge asked, pantsless as usual.

Raiha smirked at him and suddenly, for once in his life, he felt a draft on his manhood. “We’ll just have to join them.”[/size][/indent]

[chibi-master]

WHOA! It's totally random and kick-a**!!!

And I've always wanted to wear a suit or tux...:o

[Lunar]

[COLOR="Indigo"]Dude! Hey, that's me in there! CrimsonKnight used to be my old username!!! Why didn't you tell me!!!! I'm not [I]that[/I] violent, though. I think. *evil laugh* [/COLOR]

[The Spectacular Professor]

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Excellent. I think my laughter just frightened everyone in the house, especially at my part. The sheer randomness of it all is what gets me. It's amazing how you can mold a storyline that makes perfect sense while at the same time making none at all. Makes it hard to pick a favorite part with everything happening like that. It's all just too good. Props, man. Props.[/FONT]

[Darren]

Glad to see you're back, DW. :D

But, not so much to see that I'm dead. Although I did lol when I was axed. Perfect as usual. Can't wait to see the ending.