Writing Darren May Cry

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]So very, very random, I moved between the ^_^ and O_o expressions too many times to count really. Oh and Gav any heaven DB is in, I don't want to go anywhere near. :p[/SIZE]

[Dragon Warrior]

[center][b]CHAPTER FOUR: Holy Smokes & Holy Plans![/b][/center]

[indent][size=1]“You called, Commander Shy?”

“Retribution,” Shy said, patting a chair in front of his desk. “Just the soldier I wanted to see.”

“Who do I have to kill this time?” Retribution replied, stepping into the office and seating himself in the chair. Stephanie, one of the few nurses at the base, walked in holding two glasses of water.

“Why do you assume you have to kill someone?” He happily accepted the water from Stephanie.

“Because I’m good at it,” Retribution said before breaking Stephanie’s neck for no reason.

Shy peered at the corpse on the floor. “Um… yeah… I know.” He turned his attention back to Retribution, who was so manly, he had already grown a full beard within the seconds he had been sitting down. “Retribution, you’re the manliest man we know.”

“I know.”

“And we all know we enjoy using you for jobs because you cut right to the chase and get the dirty jobs done fast.”

“Your point?” Retribution asked before going back to making out with the attractive hooker on his lap.

“Wait, where’d she come from?”

“Continue,” Retribution ordered.

“Oh, right,” the commander stumbled. “I feel bad for calling on you for all the important missions, so I’m not about to tell you to-”

“Who do I have to kill?”

“Stop asking that!” Shy yelled. “I’m not asking you to kill anyone.”

“But I’m manly.”

“I know!” Shy took a moment to admire this fact. “I know…”

It was awkward.

“But nevertheless, this mission may even be too dangerous for someone like you, Retri.”

“Nothing’s too dangerous for Retribution,” said the soldier, standing up and in doing so, tossing the hooker into the wall, killing her. “I will do whatever my army wants me to do.”

“Good to hear,” Shy said. “You didn’t have to, though.”

“I’m not doing it for you. I only accept missions under one condition.”

“What?”

“If the job is dangerous enough to give me a manly erection.”

“What?” Shy then looked down at Retribution’s package, which was, in fact, pitched like a circus tent. “WTF?”

“I get turned on by dangerous missions.”

“Put that away!”

“Commander Shy!” shouted a private running into the office.

“What is it, Korey?”

“The enemies are on the move!”

“Fuckbeans,” Shy said. “You think you’re ready, Retribution?”

“What do you think?” Retribution said sternly.

Shy stared down at Retri’s package again and grimaced. “I guess you are.”

“Where are they?” Retribution asked before turning around and slicing Korey in half with his erection.

“OMG!” Korey screamed as the two perfectly proportioned halves of his body lay bleeding over the floor. “What an awkward way to go!”

“Maybe you should get going,” Shy said. Retribution was about to turn around when Shy waved his arms and screamed. “NO! No, please, don’t turn!”

“Tell me where these villains are, Commander,” Retribution said, smoking forty-six cigarettes at once.

“According to the reports, they hold a base in Evil Land, however, one of their troops recently went to the Land of the Dead.”

Retribution slowly removed the forty-six cigs from his mouth and blew out a cloud of smoke that set off several smoke detectors in the building next door. “Oh, after I’m done with ‘em, they’ll all be making their way there.”

With that, Retribution walked through the wall—yes, you read right. He walked through the wall. Shy took off his hat and rubbed his brow.

“That guy scares the shit out of me.”


Far off in the Land of the Dead, chibi-master led Darren, Jeremy, and Lrb down the long hallway of Purtakugory to her office. They passed many people, including a man sliced in two being wheeled towards a bizarre looking room with rainbows. “The phallicness… the phallicness…” That’s all the man said as the door slowly closed shut.

The door to chibi-master’s office swung open and they all stepped in. It was surprisingly clean and pleasant compared to the rest of Purtakugory. They got right down to business once they were all seated.

“How are you getting us out of here?” Darren asked.

“Yeah,” Lrb said. “We already had to wait a whole chapter to know.”

Chibi-master rocked back and forth in her comfy desk chair and occasionally glanced at an episode of Inuyasha on the TV screen. “Well, there is someone that lives deep in the Land of the Dead just outside Purtakugory that you could see. I can lead you there, and they can send you back.”

“What’s the catch?” Jeremy asked suspiciously.

“I see you have a ring there,” chibi-master said, her eyes brightly flashing at the sight of Lrb’s gift to Anomaly.

“WTF’s wrong with your eyes?” Darren asked squeamishly.

“Give that ring to them, and they will send you back.”

“But it’s for my love,” Lrb frowned. “Without her, it’s not worth living.”

“Um…” chibi-master began, switching off the television. “Buy her a new ring.”

“Oh,” Lrb said flatly. “I guess I could.”

“Then it’s settled,” Darren said, jumping out of his seat. He extended his arm and pointed at nothing in particular. “Let’s GO!”

There was a long silence as Darren remained in the same position, frozen as a statue. “Is he okay?” chibi-master asked.

Jeremy looked to her and shrugged. “You know, I really have no idea.”

“Right,” chibi-master said. “Now we’ll go to my wife to get you a guide.”

“I thought you said you were taking us,” Lrb whined.

“Did I?”

“Yes,” the three heroes said.

“LOL, silly me,” she giggled. “I have a tendency to lie. I’m also Satan.”

“What?” Jeremy squeeled. “How can we trust you then?”

“You can’t. LOL.”

“Then doing this could be our demise?”

“Right this way please.” She began leading them to the door.

Just outside the office, a pantsless corpse listened closely. When the door swung open, he freaked, tripped over his pants, and fell. The strange thing is, he was pantsless, so what the hell did he actually trip on?

“Who are you?” chibi-master asked.

“DeLarge?” Jeremy said as he pushed past. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m your guide,” DeLarge replied, thinking fast. “To… the… person.”

“Normally I’d think that was strange,” chibi-master said, “but considering I don’t care because I’m Satan, I’ll just… yeeeeaahhh… LOL.” With that, she zapped the four out into the wilderness in the middle of the Land of the Dead. They all looked at each and shrugged. Lrb spoke.

“FUK, LOL.”


“Charles, I’m back,” Raiha said, pushing the door closed with her back. She held a bag of greasy fast food and a smaller box containing a kids meal. Charles came rushing into the kitchen with a childish grin on his face.

“I hope you got me apple slices and caramel!” He began tearing into his box.

“Did you wash your hands?” Raiha asked. Charles stopped what he was doing, frowned innocently, and walked over to the kitchen sink. “In the bathroom sink!” He shot Raiha a glare, then proceeded to wash his hands in the bathroom.

When he returned, his kids meal was already set out on a plate for him. “What? Where’s my toy?”

“You’ll get it when you’re done eating.”

“That’s no fun.”

“I don’t want you playing while you eat.”

“You suck.”

“You watch your mouth or you can’t stay up for Adult Swim tonight.”

“Awww…” Charles grumpily nibbled his fries. Raiha delicately snacked on her food and the room was quiet. A few minutes passed and Raiha lightly dabbed his face with a napkin. “So the heroes are pretty much doomed.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Charles said between bites, putting a hand up in order to emphasize the ceasing of talk. “Who gave them the name ‘heroes’? Why are they the heroes? What makes them so heroic?”

“Well… we are the antagonists.”

“Says who?”

“You did. A few chapters ago.”

“Oh.” Charles nibbled an apple slice. “Well, still. What are they doing that’s so heroic? They’re coming to seek revenge. Big whoop.”

“We do live in Evil Land in an evil castle. I am an evil sorceress.”

“So? That’s you. What about me?”

“You’re wearing a shirt that says ‘I Love Evil.’”

Charles glanced down at his shirt. “So? I got it for free by buying another shirt during JCPennies’ Super Saving Saturday.”

“Nevermind that,” Raiha said, slamming down her sandwich. “I have killed DeLarge and sent him after them in the Land of the Dead.”

“You killed DeLarge?” Charles said surprised.

“Yes.”

“Wow. I thought you said at the end of the last chapter that we’d ‘just have to mourn them.’”

“No, I said, ‘we’ll just have to join them.’ As in, kill one of us and send him to fight them in the Land of the Dead so they can never come back.”

“Oh.”

“How’d you confuse that? It doesn’t even rhyme.”

“It does too.”

“Not really.”

“Either way, the fact of the matter is, you killed DeLarge. Did he even put up a fight?”

“He tried, but I was too convincing.”


Earlier…

“Hey, DeLarge, I’m going to kill you.”

“Okay.”

“Kill the heroes when you’re dead, ‘kay?”

“Whatever you say.”

“Kthx.”

“Luv you.”


“That was a weird flashback,” Charles said.

“Fuck, you could see that?” Raiha then contemplated killing Charles, but realized a hole in her plan. “Crap, I just realized a hole in my plan.”

“What?”

“DW has resurrection powers and could revive them before DeLarge has a time to kill them pantsless.”

“So?” Charles said flatly, cramming the rest of his hamburger into his mouth.

“So? SO? You have to go kill him too!”

“Oh, no. Not me. I won’t do it.” Charles stood up and started towards the door. “Get someone else to do it. You suck.”

“I’ll give you your toy.”

“So, where does DW live anyway?”[/size][/indent]

[chibi-master]

ZOMG!!! AHM SATAN!!!:o I didn't expect [I]that[/I]! Wow, I love the randomness! (Although it scares me that I know what a lot of these words mean...ex. erection.)

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]Oh God...poor Korey...that's just.... O_o; *Brainsplosion*

That weirdness aside Gav it was a funny chapter, I think, I'm still rather mentally scarred from that image. So it seems it's going to be Retri against DW, that's going to be a rather interesting showdown. [/SIZE]

[Kenso]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=1]Holy crap. I don't even know what to say here. Just read the whole thing so far. I don't think I'll be breathing properly for like an hour. I think someone needs to give DeLarge some clothes though. And I'm voting with Gavin on the whole Heaven thing. I think you're going to get a lot of votes for 'straight to Hell' with DB up in heaven.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[DeLarge]

[SIZE=1]To be entirely honest, I'm slightly concerned about the idea of me you seem to have constructed, DW. You've got me paranoid that it might be something about me that screams "serial nudist" to everyone out there, and it's taken you to point it out.

Nude and slap-bang in the middle of the Land of the Dead? Could be an interesting situation developing here. And I'm worried, as I think are most of the people mentioned in this story that I could be a potential victim of Retri's wang-attack.

Keep up the "good" work, DW, I am thoroughly enjoying it.
[/SIZE]

[Nathan]

[FONT="Arial"]If you?re not looking for any form of review then by all means skip this post. I found the initial story interesting and it had some fun moments, however, it also had a tendency to rely too much on post pubescent humor to carry the action forward, in my opinion.

I?m sure it was intentional, but it also relied a bit too heavily on people recognizing and perhaps understanding the names and nature of fellow members who are in it. I recognize that it?s meant as a fan fiction for this site so that?s to be expected I suppose.

The main reason I'm posting is I?m curious to see what you could write without the overkill of slapstick crude humor and use of existing personalities of others here at OtakuBoards. If you have other such works posted here, perhaps you'd be willing to point me in their direction? [/FONT]