Writing Star Wars: The Irrelevant Story (play)

[Claire]

[FONT="Arial"]This is a play I wrote, obviously based off Star Wars. I'm hoping to produce it at school as a fundraiser for my drama program.

For those who may not be familiar with some theatrical terms, here are the ones I've used in the script:

[LIST]
[*]Enter - to walk on stage.
[*]Exit - to walk off.
[*]SR - Stage right, seen as the left side of the stage from the audiences' view.
[*]SL - Stage left, seen as the right side of the stage from the audiences' view.
[*]Cross - to move from one side of the stage to the other.
[*]Blackout - all the lights are off, leaving the stage in total darkness.
[*]Aside - dialogue spoken to someone not present onstage; i.e. the audience.
[*]Offstage - in the wings or backstage; not in the house (audience area).
[*]Beat - a pause.
[/LIST]

[CENTER]---[/CENTER]

[I]Fairly recently in a galaxy not too far from this one....[/I]

[CENTER][size=3][B]STAR WARS[/B][/size]
Episode VII: The Irrelevant Story[/CENTER]

100 years ago, the Galactic Empire was defeated, spreading relief throughout the Universe. Every galaxy far and wide has enjoyed the peaceful century.

However, a power hungry organization known as the Red Rising has been waiting in the shadows, conspiring to follow the Empire's space dust and seize control of its own galaxy.

Fortunately, it will not go unhindered. A small group of vigilantes are well aware of the Red Rising's plot and are crossing space to challenge them.

Though the rebels' minuscule arsenal only consists of weapons vastly inferior to those of their foes, they may have a great force in their favor....

[CENTER]CHARACTERS[/CENTER]
[LIST]
[*][B]Juno Parhelion[/B] - a determined nineteen year old who found a lightsaber and studied the Jedi Arts in her spare time. The first to realize her best friend, Yelena, was plotting to take over the galaxy.
[*][B]Blink Kestrel[/B] - a cocky hobbyist who built and pilots the Vandegraff.
[*][B]Ivy Aces[/B] - a short-tempered gambler.
[*][B]Yelena Gagarin[/B] - an extremely powerful “woman of enterprise” who longs to control the galaxy and kills anyone who doubts her. Once Juno’s best friend, now a master of the dark side of the Force. She speaks with a Russian accent.
[*][B]Admiral Mikhail Magmar[/B] - the squeamish second-in-command of the Red Rising Army.
[*][B]Spacecraftman Nikita Gallop[/B] - the only gunner onboard the Natasha spacecraft.
[*][B]Starman Vlad[/B] - a soldier in the Red Rising Army.
[*][B]Starman Sergei[/B] - same.
[/LIST]

Scene i

[B]Ext. - Outer Space.[/B]

[I]The Vandegraff enters SR and “flies” across the stage, hiding the vigilant crew while they set up the scene. Juno Parhelion and Blink Kestrel sit at the dashboard in the cockpit, while Ivy Aces plays freecell in the lounge area behind them.[/I]

[B]Int. - VDG.[/B]

[B]BLINK[/B]. We’re coming up on the Red Headquarter Planet. Want to land?

[B]JUNO[/B]. No, it’s too dangerous. Do you see another ship anywhere?

[B]BLINK[/B]. There’s nothing on the radar.

[B]JUNO[/B]. Where could they be?

[I]An explosion sounds, and they are tossed about. Ivy joins the others.[/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. What was that?

[B]BLINK[/B]. We’ve been hit!

[B]JUNO[/B]. By what?!

[B]BLINK[/B]. I don’t know. The radar isn’t picking up another ship.

[B]IVY[/B]. Maybe it was an asteroid?

[B]BLINK[/B]. I don’t think so, but whatever it is, it’s a good thing I’ve got adamantine armor plates on this thing.
[I]
The VDG is carried across the stage again, and the crew must quickly clear the set. Then the NATASHA crosses and the RR crew sets up their scene.[/I]
[B]
Int. - Natasha - Control Room.[/B]

[I]Two RR Army members are working at their computers. Yelena Gagarin stands at the window, peering out angrily. Admiral Magmar is overseeing Spacecraftman Gallop, who is operating the laser cannon.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. They are still flying.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. It must have been an indirect hit.

[B]YELENA[/B]. That’s impossible, our computer has flawless aim. Spacecraftman Gallop must have misjudged their coordinates.

[B]GALLOP[/B]. The laser hit it directly in the buttocks, Your Worship! They must have adamantine on that thing!

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. That hunk of junk?

[B]GALLOP[/B]. Are you sure this is Parhelion’s ship?

[I]Magmar and Yelena stare at him; the former with a regretful expression, the latter enraged.[/I]

[b]YELENA[/B]. Are you doubting my intuition?

[B]GALLOP[/B]. Oh, no, Your Worship, I just find it strange that a middle class rogue would have access to adamantine--

[I]Gallop chokes, clutching at his neck. Yelena is merely staring at him furiously. Magmar turns his head away, unable to watch. Gallop falls to the floor, motionless.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Clean up!

[I]Two RR rush over and drag Gallop’s dead body offstage. Yelena takes control of the laser. [/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Do I have to do everything myself?

[I]A laser sound plays, followed by another explosion, followed by the error sound from Legend of Zelda. The crew looks confused at this.[/I]

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Lady Yelena, look! The ship is unharmed!

[B]YELENA[/B]. What?!

[B]VLAD[/B]. Your worship, our computers show that the spacecraft is covered in high-level adamantine armor. Our lasers will bounce right off.

[B]YELENA[/B]. Well, this is very frustrating!

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Should we prepare the ultra laser cannon?

[B]YELENA[/B]. No. Admiral Magmar, prepare the gravity net.

[B]SERGEI[/B]. You mean the tractor beam?

[I]As before, Yelena glares and Sergei appears to be choking. He falls to the floor.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. I will have no smart alecs on my ship! You heard me, fire the gravity net! I want the pleasure of crushing Juno Parhelion myself.

[I]The Natasha recovers the scene and backs off SR. The VDG returns and backs off SL after the set has been put up.[/I]

[B]Int. - VDG.[/B]

[I]Blink is fiddling with the computer. Ivy and Juno are watching, concerned.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. Aha! As I thought. We’re under attack.

[B]JUNO[/B]. That must be the Red Rising’s mother ship. How can they possibly know who we are?

[B]BLINK[/B]. Doesn’t matter, their petty lasers will never even scratch the paint. Norton, activate the Vandegraff’s Namesake Cannon.

[I]The robot beeps.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. I’m charging my laser!
[I]
The error sound plays, and the crew looks around, puzzled.[/I]

[B]JUNO[/B]. What was that?

[B]BLINK[/B]. It would appear that the laser is broken.

[B]IVY[/B]. What a piece of junk!

[B]BLINK[/B]. Well, at least it can’t get any worse.

[I]The lights flash and there is a loud boom.[/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. It’s worse!

[B]JUNO[/B]. What’s going on?

[B]BLINK[/B]. It seems we’re being dragged towards their ship.

[B]JUNO[/B]. Oh, great!

[B]IVY[/B]. (to Blink) This is all your fault!

[B]Ext. - Outer Space.[/B]

[I]The VDG and Natasha both re-enter from their respective sides and fly at each other. The Natasha overtakes the VDG and exits SL. Blackout.[/I]

Scene ii

[B]Int. - Natasha - Cargo Bay.[/B]

[I]The lights come up on the VDG, sitting SL. Juno, Blink, and Ivy slowly exit the ship.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. We’re on board their ship.

[B]IVY[/B]. Obviously, but where is everyone?

[B]JUNO[/B]. I have a bad feeling about this.

[I]Admiral Magmar and the only remaining soldier, Vlad, enter SR, running and shouting, laser guns drawn. Blink and Ivy quickly whip out their own laser guns as Juno hides behind the VDG. [/I]

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Halt!

[B]BLINK[/B]. Is this it?

[B]IVY[/B]. I was expecting the Red Rising Army to be a little bit…bigger.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. We will not allow you to leave here alive.

[B]BLINK[/B]. You and what army?

[I]Magmar fires his laser and voices the sound effect himself, but it misses both of them. Blink and Ivy back off SL and are followed by Magmar and Vlad. Juno creeps out from behind the VDG and runs offstage in the opposite direction. Blink and Ivy return.[/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. Juno?

[B]BLINK[/B]. Where could she be?

[I]Magmar and Vlad re-enter. The four of them have a wild west style gun battle, voicing their own sound effects. Blink is hit by one of their “laser” pellets, and he picks it up, amused.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. What is this, Styrofoam?

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. [I](to Vlad)[/I] I told you not to buy our guns at the Dollar Store!

[I]Ivy blasts Vlad, and he stumbles off SL.[/I]

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Oh no!

[B]BLINK[/B]. You’re alone now! What kind of uprising is this?

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Admittedly, a terrible one.

[B]IVY[/B]. You got that right.

[B]BLINK[/B]. If you surrender yourself now, we won’t hurt you.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. That’s supposed to be my line!

[B]BLINK[/B]. Too bad! Come on now, drop your “laser.”

[I]Magmar reluctantly does so, then appears before the two of them with his arms up. Blink and Ivy surround him, guns still out.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. Okay then, you’re gonna answer some questions. Is this really the whole Red Rising Army?

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Well, no. I’m only second-in-command.

[B]BLINK[/B]. So there’s only one more Red Riser?

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Yes.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Oh, wow.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. If you go right down that hallway, the control room is the third door on the left. It has a red flag on it, you can’t miss it. The entry code is 231.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Uh, thanks.

[I]Ivy suddenly hits Magmar in the back of the head, and he faints.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. Ivy! I told him we weren’t going to hurt him!

[B]IVY[/B]. Well, we can't have him coming after us! And you heard him, he’s not even in charge of this whole thing. He’ll be okay.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Whatever. C’mon, we’d better go find Juno.
[I]
They run off SR. Blackout.[/I]

Scene iii

[B]Int. - Natasha - Control Room.[/B]

[I]Yelena sits in her chair, facing away from the audience. Juno enters SL, holding her lightsaber and looking around carefully. Yelena spins to face her.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Hello, Juno.

[B]JUNO[/B]. Yelena!

[B]YELENA[/B]. Yes. Welcome aboard my ship, Natasha. How do you like it?

[B]JUNO[/B]. How could you do this? The galaxy has been at peace for a hundred years.

[B]YELENA[/B]. I know, it makes me sick.

[B]JUNO[/B]. How did you become so power hungry?

[B]YELENA[/B]. I am a woman of enterprise. I see something I want: I take it. And I want the galaxy.

[B]JUNO[/B]. I won’t let you.

[B]YELENA[/B]. You and what army?

[I]Juno ignites her lightsaber, to Yelena’s surprise.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Where did you get that? Oh, never mind. I’ll dispose of you anyway.
[I]
Yelena jumps down from her platform and ignites her own light saber, and she and Juno fight. Blink and Ivy run on SL.[/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. Juno!

[I]Yelena throws her arm out and Blink and Ivy fly backwards and disappear offstage.[/I]

[B]JUNO[/B]. The Force?!

[B]YELENA[/B]. A lot has changed since high school, Juno.

[B]JUNO[/B]. You’re right.

[I]Juno force-pushes Yelena back a few feet.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. So you have been studying the Jedi Arts as well?

[I]The two continue fighting, using both their lightsabers and force techniques. Somehow Juno gets the upper hand and force-trips Yelena.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Juno, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me. With our combined strength, we can take over the entire galaxy!

[B]JUNO[/B]. I’ll never join you. Even though we used to be best friends, I won’t help you achieve your evil goal. This is the end, Yelena, I’ve got you down.

[B]YELENA[/B]. No! No! You will die!

[I]She attempts to use Force Lightning, but nothing happens.[/I]

[B]YELENA[/B]. Go, Force Lightning! Come on, you stupid thing, work!

[B]JUNO[/B]. Stop trying that! We don’t have the budget for those kinds of special effects.

[B]YELENA[/B]. Then I’ll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way!

[I]Yelena trips Juno and the fight continues, and this time Juno is on the ropes. She falls against a computer and the lights flash.[/I]

[B]COMPUTRESS[/B]. Warning. Self-destruct activated. Ship will terminate in three minutes.

[B]JUNO[/B]. What kind of idiot installs a self-destruct on their ship?!

[B]YELENA[/B]. It seemed like a good idea at the time! Actually, it still seems like a good idea, because I have a special escape pod! Goodbye, Juno, my former best friend. You will soon become space dust!

[B]JUNO[/B]. Yelena, no!

[I]Yelena exits SR. Juno attempts to follow but the door is shut. Blink and Ivy manage to blast through the door SL and run onstage.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. What kind of idiot installs a self-destruct on their ship?!

[B]IVY[/B]. And what kind of idiot activates it?!

[B]JUNO[/B]. We don’t have time to ask good questions. We’ve got to get out of here!

[B]BLINK[/B]. Hold on, I may be able to de-activate the mechanism.

[B]JUNO[/B]. Blink, this isn’t really a good time to tinker with something!

[I]Blink ignores her and pulls a walkie talkie unit from his pocket.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. Norton, report to my location immediately.

[I]As Blink takes a seat at a computer, his robot flies/rolls from SL and reaches Blink, who puts it at a connection port. [/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. Blink, seriously, if we die I will never forgive you.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Take a chill pill, Ivy! Norton, access the internal command drive. I need you to disable the self-destruct mechanism.

[I]The error sound plays.[/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. What do you mean, “does not compute?”

[B]JUNO[/B]. Okay, time to go.
[I]
She and Ivy run SL but are blocked by Admiral Magmar. [/I]

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. What’s going on here? Where’s Lady Yelena?

[B]JUNO[/B]. She left in an escape pod. This ship is going to self-destruct.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Not if I can help it! Norton, try to hack into the main reactor database.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. That won’t do any good, you have to put in the password.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Well, what’s the password?

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Voltorb.

[B]BLINK[/B]. That’s the stupidest password I’ve ever heard.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. Hey! I’ll have you know, that is my mother’s maiden name!
[I]
The computer system plays the success sound from Legend of Zelda.[/I]

[B]COMPUTRESS[/B]. Self-destruct de-activated.

[B]BLINK[/B]. I told you I could turn it off!

[B]IVY[/B]. Only because this guy told you the password! You’re so full of it.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Yeah, yeah.

[I]Beat.[/I]

[B]IVY[/B]. Is that it? It’s all over?

[B]JUNO[/B]. I don’t know what else we can do. Yelena’s gone and we don’t have to make an epic escape.

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. I wouldn’t say that!

[I]He draws his blaster.[/I]

[B]MAGMAR[/B]. As second-in-command of the Red Rising Army, I’m taking you all prisoner!

[B]IVY[/B]. Give it a rest!

[I]She punches the back of his neck and he falls down again, unconscious. [/I]

[B]BLINK[/B]. Aw, why’d you have to do that again? We could’ve had a better ending.
[I]
Vlad enters SL, cheerfully “playing” an instrument as victory music is played. The three good guys look on, slightly bewildered. [/I]

[B]VLAD[/B]. You saved me from the clutches of that evil witch! For this, I am eternally grateful!

[B]JUNO[/B]. Uh, no problem.

[B]VLAD[/B]. Three cheers for Juno Parhelion! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hoory! Hip, hip, hooray!

[B]JUNO[/B]. [I](aside)[/I] This would really be more exciting if there were more of them.

[B]BLINK[/B]. Hey, I helped too.

[I]Ivy, annoyed, knocks out Vlad in the same way as Magmar.[/I]

[B]JUNO[/B]. Thanks.

[B]IVY[/B]. You’re welcome. Now come on you guys, we have to go get ready for the sequel!

[B]BLINK[/B]. What?

[B]IVY[/B]. Yelena is still out there somewhere! She’s probably going to try to put together a whole new army and take over the galaxy all over again.

[B]JUNO[/B]. You’re right. We have a lot of work to do. I’ll go write the script. Blink, you work on designing sets and choreographing the fights….

[I]They exit.[/I]

[CENTER][B]THE END[/B][/CENTER][/FONT]

[Guest Giacona]

i made an account just so i could reply to this!

i like it a lot, i LOVE it a lot, and it seems a lot less massive than our original movie script (but of course, it is a stage production...). also, the maiden name line made me lol irl. this had better be miss p approved!

by the way, otakuboards public, this is yelena! *dramatic chord*

lurve you. i can't co to baseball if it collides with seeing lexi be cinderella.