Writing Whatever It Takes

[Orcus]

[FONT="Palatino Linotype"]Well, I'm no foreigner to writing stories, but I decided I finally wanted some peer evaluation of my work- especially from my highly esteemed OB colleauges. I hope you enjoy this, and I hope that, personally, having this thread will help motivate me to write more of the tale, and more often in general. =D

P.S. I realize it's short. Or rather, I only just realized it was kind of short... Is that bad?

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[center][FONT=Orlando][B][SIZE=7]Prologue:[/SIZE][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Orlando][FONT=Freestyle Script][SIZE=6]Recollection[/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT]

[SIZE="1"][I][B]“What would you say... to a little wager?”[/B][/I]

It could have ended there, at the question, before the actual bet was even made. He could have been silenced. He could have been cast away. [I]Again.[/I] But he wasn‘t. And it certainly did not end there.

[I][B]“What kind of wager?”[/B][/I]

There it was, the response. It was entirely unnecessary- she knew exactly what wager he was to propose- but it signaled interest, and ultimately, approval. If a being like Metatron, or rather, ‘God’, would allow Lucifer back into the Heaven she so forcibly cast him from to hear a [I]challenge[/I], it meant all possible consequences had been weighed.

All possible outcomes had been weighed.

And any possible deception, any possible mal intent Lucifer might attempt to conceive (as, of course, was outlined and preordained in all of the loopholes God had placed in the list of rules she’d [I]already[/I] decided upon) had been weighed.

The verdict?

God would win, Lucifer would suffer a great strike to his morale and, reformed, would see the error of his ways, seek forgiveness and beg to be allowed back into the order of angels, to be allowed to sing of [strike]Metat[/strike] God’s eternal splendor, with the eternal chorus, for?…Yes; for eternity. The rest, as it’s said, ‘was history’.

The game was set into action. Lucifer, and his universal and ambiguous forces of darkness, would have to overcome [strike]Metatron’s[/strike] God’s equally universal and ambiguous forces of light to win, and vice-versa. No sending the entirety of the Demon or Angel army into the physical realm, only one or two at a time. No assaults on either Heaven nor Hell, as well. Lucifer and [strike]Met[/strike] God -GOD, GOD, GOD, [B]GOD[/B]- could act through influence only- a spirit form that had no actual shape but traveled as a ‘voice on the wind’, softly nudging an individual towards evil or righteous acts. And, most importantly, no rewiring the ’free-will’ mechanism placed in all living creatures- not that that was possible even, that rule had just been thrown in there, because [I]GOD[/I] felt it needed to be said. The winner would be chosen when all of the universe was inherently wicked, or inherently just.

Well, that insurmountable and frankly, impossible task was scaled down- with the approval of both sides of course- when Me… Yes, Metatron’s favorite species, the race of “Men” , showed itself to be a powerful and domineering force in the universe, unlike the various other races that had died out on their respective planets. Humans showed themselves to be resilient, and thus, seemingly difficult to persuade and conquer. This, and the fact that the human planet, Earth, had a direct gateway to both heaven and hell made it, strategically, the best planet to ‘scrap’ over. The winner would not only have bragging rights for all of eternity, but a paved pathway to the home of their enemy. Naturally, with victory finally seeming probable, both forces intensified their efforts, and Earth’s people have been paying the toll ever since.

And that brings me to where I am now. I, the Archangel and Seraph Gabriel, having been coming to Earth since it’s creation, overseeing its progression, guiding people along the path of righteousness. I’m also the word of God, quite often playing messenger boy between Metatron and Lucifer- not unlike that Greek god… Hermes, I believe. But right now? Right now, I’m here of my own accord. My hand’s been bothering me lately- and believe me, that’s bad. Something’s going to happen, and I think it’s best to stay and watch things here on Earth… None of the other Angels share my outlook (my brethren think humans are foul, loathsome creatures whom, over the years, have strayed too far from ‘God’s light’ to be considered for salvation) so I’m alone in this journey. No, no, not alone. There’s one other Angel on Earth now; or rather, a fallen angel, on Earth now. Lucifer’s presence on the planet isn’t unheard of- he did, as [I]everybody knows[/I], birth the ’immoral qualities’, such as dishonesty and deceit- so most angels, and Metatron, think nothing of it. But his sudden arrival, juxtaposed with this sudden pain…

[I]What’s happening?[/I][/SIZE][/center]

[Vicky]

[size=1]As far as wording, grammar, spelling, vocabulary and all that jazz goes, you've got an amazing grasp of it. You've got a good variety of the dictionary in there, heh, and everything was used in the right context (which even I have trouble with; I have to triple-check the meaning of new or complex words just in case).

I understand it's only a prologue but I only got really, really drawn in towards the end. Some of the sentences were constructed [i]too[/i] complexly and made the first few paragraphs rather hard to follow - I had to read it over twice just to make sure I was correct. It may not even be that the sentences are overly complex (I don't often think that's a problem - you know, it's actually a real talent), it could just be the presentation. If the first few paragraphs were broken up a little more then I think it would be easier to follow.

You also do the same thing with commas as me, haha. I tend to overuse them quite a lot and when I read my work over a few times I realise that the sentences can flow a lot better (or be easier on the reader's attention span) with less commas. For example:

[quote name='Omega']Well, that insurmountable, and frankly, impossible, task was scaled down- with the approval of both sides of course- when Me? Yes, Metatron?s favorite species, the race of ?Men? , showed itself to be a powerful and domineering force in the universe, unlike the various other races that had died out on their respective planets.[/quote]

If you got rid of the commas in the first sentence I think it would flow a lot better. When first written, using lots of commas seems to work better - makes it slower like it is in your head - but after a bit of revision it's sometimes easier without them. That's my opinion, however, and it's entirely up to you on how many commas you use XD.

The prologue as a whole was quite interesting and entertaining (the last paragraph being my favourite). I'd definitely like to read more, because I tend to prefer stories to their prologue. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what you can do with that creative vocabulary in your head there =D.[/size]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]A few comments off the top of my head.

First, don't use the strike-through option. Since the narrator is speaking directly to the audience, and you're writing it as if the narrator's speaking directly to the audience, you should use either dashes or ellipses to indicate broken, self-corrected speech; spoken words can't be struck. Also, striking through text is an editorial tool, and shouldn't be used in showcased writing at all. It's only used on message boards to feign a slip of the tongue. So while I like what you're doing with the "I'm not supposed to call Her that" concept, you can find a [strike]correct[/strike] better way to express it.

Second, why is this a prologue? Will the story continue from Gabriel's pov, or will it switch to a totally different person? The only merit I can see with using a prologue is to establish some vital part of the setting—mood or atmosphere or something—that you either can't do as well or can't do at all as part of the regular narrative. This scene feels like it wants to lead directly into another one, which indicates to me that it would be better presented as part of the first chapter, or possibly expanded somewhat and made [I]into[/I] the first chapter. Basically, I think you've mixed up 'prologue' with 'introductory segment'.

Third, at first I just thought that your two lines of dialogue should have been detached from their paragraphs to maximize impact, since the narrator is obviously neither speaker. But after another look, I'm wondering what the point of presenting the exchange was—at least, in the manner you did so. In keeping with the thought about expanding the section, perhaps you should include some further lead in material so the exchange doesn't feel so . . . contrived, really. Either that, or add some more material about Lucifer after his gambit. That way, the response from Metatron might have more impact to the audience.

I'm not going to go into syntax or style right now, mostly because I don't feel like being an ass. =P But yeah, if you've got some more, toss it up. And keep in mind your goal so you can line your presentation to fit that, instead of going for an 'awesome' idea that feels good but doesn't really help your movement any.[/FONT]

[Orcus]

[SIZE="1"]Well, firstly, I'd like to say thank you very, very, VERY much for posting anything in this thread. I appreciate the comments you've both made, and though my first chapter isn't finished [embarrassingly, I might have lost inspiration to write after the lack of critique], I'd gladly like to address the points made by you both.

[B]Vicky:[/B]
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[*]Right off the bat, I'd like to thank you for the compliment about my writing skills. I'd be lying if I said i wasn't flattered. As for the flow of the prologue, I see where you're coming from. The first couple of paragraphs are rather lengthy and hard to follow, but I was trying to portray the character speaking as being overwhelmed with his thoughts, and thus relaying his thoughts in a very long-winded mannerism. Any ideas on how to depict that without losing the reader? Admittedly, while I was writing, I had to glance over my work a couple of times to make sure that I was following along, haha.

[*]As for the commas, I do tend to get a little excessive when using them. Good to know I'm not alone though, haha. Thanks for the heads up, I'm going to review the prologue to see if I can spot any unnecessary punctuation usage.

[*]Well, now that I see that I've caught some attention I'll definitely be working avidly towards getting the next chapter out. I feel slightly ashamed to say that I simply gave up on this project because of lack of interest, although in all honesty I have quite a bit of trouble finishing anything I begin anyways. I have roughly 4 stories on my comp that have been started... And that's about it. >_< Thanks again, though, for the compliments on my diction and the criticism on my passage. You're one of my favorite writers on here, so it means a lot to me.
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[B]Allamorph:[/B]
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[*]Well, I used the strike-through tool because the prologue is being written by Gabriel, not spoken [which is actually revealed in the beginning of the first chapter]. But none-the-less, I suppose there has to be a better way to portray that. Any suggestions?

[*]I made it the prologue because it's a quick overview of past events by Gabriel, for himself in a journal he's boughten. It's revealed in the beginning of the first chapter that he's written the same passage over and over again in numerous different languages because it's been plaguing him. Do you think it would work better simply as the beginning of the first chapter?

[*]As for the exchange, I made it shorter simply because it was a recollection of the event through Gabriel's particularly sarcastic and cynical perspective. He was there when the meeting occurred, but hadn't payed a particularly large amount of attention to the event because he already knew how it would progress. But I digress- as for placing in more "lead in" material, could you...eh... explain what you mean by that? I hate to sound ignorant, but I'm not sure I get what you're recommending. Are you suggesting that I possibly not start off with the dialogue, but maybe describe Lucifer's arrival, the circumstances of the event, etc...?

[*]Haha, well, don't worry about being an ass. I can take it, and in all honesty, I appreciate any and all comments that can help me improve as a writer, harsh or no. =)
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