Writing Jackson McGee: Dimensional Leaper

[Drizzt Do'urden]

This is an ongoing story that I've been working on. It stars (obviously) Jackson McGee. I'm going to post it on here as I go farther and farther with it. This post will be only the outline and I will add more and more in the days to come. Please feel free to leave your critiques on here, plus if you'd like to see me go another way with the story leave it on here as a post or PM me.

The story begins on a modern day earth, where Jackson (at the age of 13) starts his first day at a new school. It will follow him as he grows up joins the military (it'll move very quickly through these parts). He will then learn of his "hidden talents" and be forced into servitude as a dimensional leaper......

[CENTER]* * *

[B]Chapter One: Master Kwon[/B][/CENTER]
"Jackson...Jackson wake up honey," Jackson groaned as his mother shook him in his bed, "honey, its time for your first day of school. Aren't you excited?"

"Mom, honestly, why would I be excited to start at a new school. What was wrong with St. Marks? I had friends, I had great grades, and it was still in the same city. I just don't understand why you had to pull me out of there mid-year to go to P.S. 113. It doesn't make any sense" Jackson pulled himself up into a sitting position at the head of his bed. Drawing his knees to his chest not even trying to hide the fear from his face.

"Honey you know with your dad passing away money's been tight. We just couldn't afford another semester at a private school. You should be happy though, with your test scores and past grades you got to skip 2 whole grades. You're ready to start your freshmen year after just turning 13."

"Mom that's just going to make me a target. You know what we've been through this before so let's just say you win and I'll just go." Jackson slid out of bed as his mother excited the room.

"There's no time for breakfast so we'll stop and get you something on the way" She called from down the hall.

One mcmuffin and a half an hour later Jackson couldn't deny he was feeling better. [I]This won't be so bad,[/I] He thought to himself as they pulled up to the front of the school [I]I'm sure mom's right and I'll meet new friends as soon as I start. And if I don't I will...eventually[/I] with a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek Jackson got out of the car and looked at his new school. He felt dwarfed by its size and the number of students sitting in the grass talking. Skateboarding in the parking lot and on the front wall, jocks throwing footballs on the front lawn. It was going to be great.

Jackson took one step from the car and suddenly a mountain of a man stepped in front of him. "Awe that was a cute moment in the car with your mommy," Jackson couldn't get over the sheer size of the student. He looked at least 30, "listen up new meat. I'm Claud, I run the show around here and you can start by telling me your name and how much you're willing to offer to keep me from kicking your ass!"

Jackson realized at once who he was. Claud Vincent...Claud had a reputation around St. Marks as being a bully in the public school system who had broken a principal's nose over an expulsion, and then threatened to kill the man. The threat was taken seriously and Claud was never expelled...he was passed with straight A's.

"I...I don't have any money. My mom packs my lunch but you're welcome to it." Jackson stammered as he handed his brown bagged lunch to the bully. "Lunch? Are you kidding me!?" Without another word and as quick as lightning Claud made a fist and slammed it into Jackson's face sending him sprawling to the ground. "You best have some real money for me tomorrow meat, and I don't mean lunch money. I mean at least 50 bucks.

Jackson couldn't fight back his tears as Claud walked away. He couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong, but he wasn't going to wait around to find out. He turned opened the door to his mothers SUV still sitting and looked at her. Nose gushing blood eyes full of tears. His mother didn't even look at him.

"I'm so sorry Jackson...maybe we'll try the home schooling thing for awhile." She put the vehicle into drive and drove off towards home without another word.


As they drove Jackson's head never left the window. He just starred out watching building after building go by. Suddenly Jackson noticed an odd looking...but beautiful none the less girl staring directly at him from the doorway of an old broken down shack of a building. As he starred at her time seemed to stop...everything slowed down to a crawl as her bright oddly colored eyes fixed on him he seemed to be under someone else's control.

"Mom STOP!" Jackson almost screamed. He could tell his mother was calling too him as he jumped out of the SUV before it even stopped. As soon as he hit the pavement he was in a run, he had too, as soon as he opened the door the girl turned and entered the building. He had to find her, had to look into those white glowing eyes, that looked like they had no pupils. Had to find out who she was. He entered the dilapidated, falling down building to find not what he expected. Outside it looked like some condemned old building, but inside it was a beautifully decorated room. Beautiful hard wood floors, ornately decorated walls with expensive looking Asian artifacts. And sitting cross-legged on a large pillow in the center of the room was a peculiar looking Asian man. He looked as though he was in his late 40's, and he had an air about him that said. Mess with me and I'll snap you in half...though he wasn't much bigger than Jackson himself.

"What brings you here young leaper?" Jackson didn't even think he opened his eyes to look at him.

"There was a girl...where did she go?"
"Girl? There is only me, you, and the spirits that surround us." The old mans cryptic remark made him forget all about the girl. This man was much more intriguing than the girl was. "I think that you're possibly seeing one of those spirits. Sometimes they're attracted to the smell or sight of blood." The old man motioned to the gash on Jackson's nose, that he was thankful had stopped bleeding. He was still amazed by the old man, not only had he known Jackson was in there though the door made no noise, he knew he was bleeding.

"It seems as though you may need my services young one." The man opened his eyes this time and was eyeballing Jackson from head too toes. "Let your mother know you are to start training at my dojo tomorrow as soon as you're done with your studies."

As if still being pulled by an outside force, Jackson excited the dojo just as his mother came running up to the door. "Jackson Devin McGee! Where do you come off..." Jackson cut her off by throwing his arms around her and giving her a hug. "I'm sorry I worried you mom, there was...." The girl, the whole reason he jumped out of the vehicle vanished from his mind and he was left with nothing but the image of the old man with a sly grin on his face, [I]Sly grin? Where did that come from. He didn't even crack a smile at me...[/I]. "There was something about this old building. And I'm so glad I went in, there's this man in there that’s going to teach me karate or something like that. It's going to be awesome. He wants me here tomorrow as soon as we finish school. Isn't that great!?" Jackson's mom smiled, she seemed happy just knowing he was happy again. "Okay son, since you seem so excited I'll come check it out with you. Strange he doesn't have a sign or anything."

The two piled in the SUV and, with a quick stop for some lunch, were on their way home. The only thoughts occupying Jackson's mind were of his "training" and how he was going to get Claud back one way or another.

That's it for Chapter 1, I know it was a little dry. But tomorrow’s chapter is going to be a little more 'action' packed. I know my grammar isn't the best, but this story is coming straight from me. I'm not taking the time to edit and revise.

[CENTER][B]Chapter 2: First Blood[/B][/CENTER]

Jackson paid no attention to his lessons the next day. Everything his mom said about numerators, denominators, and the like went in one ear and out the other. The only thing he could think about was how excited he was about his karate lesson today. He knew from watching movies that karate was only supposed to be used in self defense, but he couldn't wait to show that bully Claud that he wasn't just some "meat" and he'd make sure Claud didn't treat anyone that way again.

After a late lunch Jackson piled into the SUV with his mother and began the drive to the dojo. The silent anticipation was all that Jackson needed, except his mom had different ideas. "Now honey I don't want you getting your hopes up. Private lessons for anything are usually quite expensive, so if we can't afford it I don't want any whining okay." Jackson knew his mother was only concerned for him, he couldn't help being mad at the disappointment. "Mom, you don't even know if they're private lessons or not. He didn't say we would be doing one-on-one stuff. He said that "I may need his services" he might just be filling us in on the details of when his class meets."

Jackson felt bad for snipping at his mom but there was no reason to think these lessons would be expensive. "Mom I'm sorry....I'm just so excited about taking karate. Especially if there are other students there, it'd be a chance for me to meet new students. In a safer environment than school.

Jackson's heart skipped a beat as they pulled into the small parking lot beside the dojo. Jackson was the first to notice the change. The building was no longer dilapidated looking...it looked brand new. There was even a beautifully decorated sign hanging above the front entrance. "Master Kwon's School of Combat". "School of Combat!" Jackson’s mother yelped, "I'm not sure this is..." Jackson didn't even let her finish. "Common mom, let's just hear him out." Jackson grabbed his mother by the hand and dragged her into the dojo

Inside the building looked the same, same hardwood floor room. Except there was not training equipment everywhere. A mat to spar, free weights, and all sorts of equipment that looked straight out of one of Jackson’s father's Rocky videos. There perched in the same spot as the day before was Master Kwon. The man honestly looked like he never moved. "Ahh young leaper, you have arrived. And what is this, you bring a beautiful woman with you. It will be hard to have her leave while we commence our first lesson."

Jackson. Could hear his mother before she started talking. He knew the possibilities of him taking these lessons alone were non-existent. "Sir, I will not be going anywhere. Besides, I think this may be a little more expensive than we first thought. Come on Jackson we're going.... Master Kwon's voice didn't change from the melodic tone Jackson heard the first time he came. "Mother hen, do not worry. The cost for this first lesson is all taken care of. Besides, wouldn't you like to go get a nice manicure from the store across the street? Ask for Sun-Yu and tell her Kwon sent you. It's on the house

Without even saying goodbye to Jackson, his mother shot out the door like a bat straight out of hell. Her one weakness in this world was being pampered. And apparently Master Kwon had her pegged from the get go. "Now young leaper, are you ready for your first lesson?" The tone in the Master's voice had changed and for some reason it filled Jackson with dread. After a very loud gulp Jackson only managed to nod his head.

Master Kwon led Jackson up two flights of stairs to the roof of the building. As Jackson opened the door he almost fell to the ground in amazement. Outside was the most gorgeous garden he had ever seen. There were plants that he had read about only in books, and should not have been able to survive the cooler temperatures of Ohio. They should've been in South America. Master Kwon stepped around Jackson and motioned for him to follow him through the jungle of plants. "This garden is my pride and joy. I spend eight to ten hours a day milling around and caring for these plants. But that changes today, from now on these will be your responsibility. Follow the stairs into the basement. Down their you will find two pales attached by a rod. Your job is to gather the water from the spring down there and bring it back up here." Jackson nodded and hurried towards the door, he was anxious to get through this chore and learn some karate kicks. As he opened the door Master Kwon's voice boomed from behind him. "Make sure you fill the pales all the way to the top, and not a drop can be spilled." Jackson knew from his tone that he wasn't kidding.

In the basement Jackson immediate ally found the pales and the spring. You couldn't miss them, in the dank old basement of the aging building was a beautiful spring...rather a beautiful stream running in one side and out the other. There were more tropical plants lining the stream. [I]Those plants down here?[/I] Jackson thought to himself as he filled the pales. He tested the weights and realized how difficult his task was going to be. [I]Two flights to the first floor and two more to the top. This might be a little harder than it looks.[/I] Not wanting to disappoint his master before he really got started. Jackson lifted the rod with his shoulders. He immediately dropped them after realizing the sheer weight. They had to weigh at least a hundred pounds a piece. He decided he could do it though. He would do anything to get to learn some fighting moves.

The first set of stairs proved to be enough for Jackson. He figured he'd take a little break on the first floor and set his pales down. Upon doing so though he spilled almost half of one bucket onto the floor. "What were my instructions?" A voice boomed from behind. Jackson turned to see Master Kwon standing in the stairwell door. "I told you not to spill a drop did I not?" "Master I understand, I'm sorry I just....I just thought we'd be learning some fighting techniques or something.

The look Master Kwon gave him could have turned stone into sand. "You wish to learn to fight. Then so be it, get into the sparing circle!" "Shouldn't I be putting on a suit or..." "Get in there NOW!" Master Kwon boomed at him "only warriors that are ready get to "suit" up. Now insolent whelps like you" Jackson couldn't get over the way the man was talking to him and let his rage get the better of him. He ran to the circle and turned to face his opponent. The only problem was the master was nowhere to be found. "Master Kwon...Master Kwon?" Jackson turned to examine the room and realized Master Kwon was standing right behind him. "First lesson young leaper, obey thine master or be punished." Before Jackson could stammer a reply the old man's fist imbedded itself into his chest. As the man raised Jackson into the air with what was apparently his off hand. Jackson caught a small glimpse of something moving as the other fist smashed him in the face. Before he even hit the ground Jackson could taste blood, and could feel the blackness surrounding him. And then...nothing

[CENTER][B]Chapter 3: Staircase [/B][/CENTER]

Jackson awoke several hours later in an unfamiliar bed. An alarm clock on a bedside stand indicated it was six in the afternoon, five hours after his mom had dropped him off. "Oh my god mom's going to be so mad at me!" Jackson exclaimed as he leapt out of the bed. His fear of angering his mom made him forget about the unrelenting headache he had, and the unmistakable taste of blood still on his lips.

He burst through the door which led to the main room of the dojo, where Master Kwon sat in his usual position staring at the boy with a "have we learned anything?" grin upon his face. "This is the last you'll ever see of me, you're just a mean old man who wanted chores done!" Jackson barked as he headed for the door. As he attempted to leave he realized the handle on the door would not turn as if it were locked. "Hey what gives here? I need to..." Before he could finish Master Kwon cut him off. "Your mother is on the phone leaper."

Master Kwon threw the phone at his feet, Jackson could not deny as he bent down to pick up the phone, that the old man had a peculiar look on his face. "Hey mom? When are you coming to pick me up? I'm sick of this guy already he.." Before he could say anything else, his mother chimed in with a mean tone in her voice Jackson had never in his life heard. "Listen to Master Kwon Jackson....we've discussed a few things and you're going to stay with him for a little while. I love you" And with that she hung up.

After hanging up at the phone Jackson looked at Master Kwon, tears welling in his eyes. Why his own mother was doing this, why she was leaving him with this mad man, what did he tell her. He turned the phone on to dial his home number again, but there was no dial tone. Looking at Master Kwon who still had that smug grin on his face, he dropped his shoulders. "I guess...I'm staying with you."

"Your mother thought it best you not give up because you don't like my methodology. Now I'm going for a walk, you have a chore to finish. Unless you want to wake up 5 days later, I suggest you get it done" Jackson knew he wasn't joking. If he hesitated even for a moment he would have been pummeled again. So Jackson threw the buckets of water on his shoulders and began the walk up the stairs....

It took Jackson over an hour, according to his watch, to make it up the two flights of stairs. His body ached, and with every step the buckets seemed to double in weight. "Finally," He exclaimed out loud. "Just have to take a few more steps to the....what the?" Jackson's jaw nearly hit the floor when he realized there was no door to the roof. Only a wall and another set of stairs...."I could've sworn this was only a two story building." Jackson tried peering up to see if he had just misjudged the amount of stairs. But he could only see to the next landing and then darkness. He looked down to see if he misjudged how far he'd gone but it was the same story. He could only see to the next landing.

"Oh well, must just be one more to go" With that Jackson grabbed his bucket and began trucking it up the next set of stairs.

OOC: I encourage any critiques of my story at all. Remember, as far as grammar goes I'm not the best and these stories are not being proofread. If I find there are many people reading and taking an interest I will start editing my work before I post it to make sure it's more enjoyable for everyone.

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OOC: I decided to add my 4th chapter right along with my 3rd since Its been so long since I've added chapters.


[B][CENTER]Chapter 4: First Lesson[/CENTER][/B]

It had to be a dream. He had to still be unconscious on the floor of the dojo from Master Kwon's "first lesson". He'd counted and recounted in his head, 50 flights of stairs, and still no roof. He'd been at it for 16 hours now. Flight after flight, stair after stair. He'd paused for frequent breaks. One break even incorporated a nap that lasted for an hour. He was famished beyond belief, tired...no exhausted. The buckets that started out what he guessed to be around 100 pounds a piece now seemed to weigh 1000 pounds a piece.

"Okay time for another nap I suppose" Jackson sat in a corner on the landing he was on and closed his eyes. Within seconds he was asleep, no dreams disturbed him, how could they he was dreaming and would any second wake up. Jackson awoke again to the same landing he'd fallen asleep on. He smelled something that smelled fantastic though. He quickly located the source, a plate of bacon, eggs, pancakes, sausage, and toast lay before him. A voice suddenly boomed over the intercom. "Time for some breakfast young one, you must keep your strength up your journey is not over yet."

"Breakfast!?" Jackson exclaimed looking at his watch 8:00 in the morning. He'd slept an entire day away on the landing...."how is that possible?" He looked again to the feast of a breakfast lying before him. [I]"There's no way I'm going to let him get me to stop, I'll finish this faster If I just go"[/I] So instead of indulging himself he picked up the bucket and started on his quest to find the roof again...

15 hours later without another break Jackson had had it. He'd decided that Master Kwon had probably put him into a coma with how hard he hit him and he'd probably never wake up. Exhausted beyond anything he'd ever felt, sick of plates of goodies tempting him at every landing. Just wanting it to be over Jackson collapsed on his....estimated count of 200 flights of stairs. "Oh my god I can't take this any...." As he raised his head a giant smile creased his face. He found it....he found the roof. He picked up the buckets with a renewed sense of purpose...he'd finally found the roof.

As he burst through the door he collapsed to his knees again. This time not due to the exhaustion in his bones, this time it was the sight that lie before him. The beautiful garden...the bounty of exotic plants that he'd never even heard of. It was all dead....everything. No birds chirping, no whistling wind through the leaves was heard. Only the dead calm...and the feeling of dread as he looked around. He didn't even flinch when he felt the hand on his shoulder..."master. Your garden I'm so sorry."

He new sorry wouldn't cut it, it was probably time for punishment of some sort. Instead Master Kwon removed the buckets from Jackson's back and set them on the ground. The boy rose to his feet and faced the master, tears in his eyes he didn't even try to hold back. "You've learned your first lesson young leaper. If you delay for even a moment...no matter what task you're doing. If you hesitate when you're needed, faulter at a moment of decision. Everything could be lost....just as these plants have suffered for your refusal to help them earlier. And your decision to sleep instead of persevering....they have died and have withered away into nothing."

"Yes master....I...I understand." and the truth was Jackson did. He understood exactly what the Master had been trying to teach him. What he did not understand was why this lesson had to be taught to someone taking karate lessons? Why did it matter if he was just going to learn self discipline and self defense? He had a feeling he would find out soon enough.

"I am proud of you leaper. In resisting the temptation I set for you, you have earned the right to your second lesson." Jackson stared at his master with a bewildered look on his face. "Though you were wrong to allow yourself to be taken by sleep, you resisted the urge to eat, though I'm sure your body is begging for even the smallest morsel for energy. Because you choose your task before yourself...in one sense. The water has stayed pure and...Well I'll let you find out. Water the plants." Jackson didn't argue, he knew the water wouldn't do anything. The plants were completely withered. Brown, falling over. Watering them would only add weight and probably collapse them all the way. He did as he was told and watered everything in the garden.

"I'm sorry I don't see what this is...." Jackson was cut off as the most amazing thing happened. The plants all began returning to life. Before his eyes every single leaf on every single plant, every flower, even the birds seemed to sense the return and perched themselves on the nearby ledge. "What is this?"

"This is the spirit of the life water you brought to the plants." As the plants finished their "rebirth" Master Kwon walked to a particular bush with the largest red berries Jackson had ever seen and picked one. "You must try the berries of this bush." Jackson took it, he hadn't ever seen a berry like this before. It was so red it was almost glowing...actually he was sure it was glowing. It looked like a cherry, but was more the size of a strawberry. He ate it....and started to gag. It tasted horrible, something like garlic....

As the disgusting juice trickled down his throat Jackson felt revitalized. He suddenly felt as though he could run the 200 or so flights of stairs back down to the bottom in half a second. "Master what is this? I feel...feel so different."

Master Kwon smiled and turned away. "In time...for now take the bucket to the basement and meet me in the dojo. There is something for you in your room. I'm expecting you in 15 minutes." With that the master disappeared into the door. Jackson's jaw was on the floor..."wait 15 minutes how’s that possible?" he ran out of the door and stopped in his tracks. It was broad daylight in the stairwell and he could see to the bottom...only two stories. Just as it had been two days before..

Jackson had a feeling training with Master Kwon was going to be different than anything he'd ever done. It was going to be hard...but he was going to like it...

[B][CENTER]Chapter 5: No interuptions[/CENTER][/B]

It had been 5 weeks since his training began with Master Kwon. Jackson smiled as he filled the buckets for the plants on the roof. After such a rough start, this quickly grew to be his favorite activity. In just 5 weeks he was able to do the 200 or so stairs in only 20 minutes.

After watering the plants it was time for the real training. Master Kwon never sparred with Jackson directly, instead he would have other students from neighboring dojo's come in. At first the other students were way to much for Jackson, he had quickly learned to fight with them, and recently he'd been winning. Today Master Kwon said he had a surprise for him, a new technique that was sure to be a treat for Jackson.

As Jackson washed up after his breakfast he entered the dojo where Master Kwon sat cross-legged in the center of the room. Without opening his eyes he motioned for Jackson to set across from him. Jackson dropped into the same position and waited attentively for the lesson to begin. After a few minutes though, Master Kwon did not say even one word. "Umm...Master...what are we doing?" Jackson stammered. He had never questioned anything that Master Kwon said, after the first time he knocked Jackson out for hours on end.

Master Kwon did not open his eyes when he responded. "Young Leaper, have you ever felt so mad, you felt as if you could explode?" Jackson nodded remembering the time the school bully Claud beat him up on his first, and only, day of school. "Yes master." Jackson replied, he had learned quickly to make all his answers short and concise. "Have you also felt the need to defend someone? Defend their lives?" Jackson had never had an experience like that before. "No master I have not."

Master Kwon opened his eyes and looked straight into Jackson's. "In such situations, the swelling up feeling you get is your chi rising with your emotions. It can happen at a time of anger, or a time of desperation. You must learn to harness your emotions in order to harness your chi. with it you can...." he was interrupted as the front door was swung open with such force it almost flew off it's hinges.

A man stepped through. A bigger man than Jackson had ever seen, he was at least 7 feet tall and was made of all muscle. His long blonde hair ended just above his shoulders and covered half of a tattoo that appeared to be a skull and something else. The man had an air about him that made Jackson cringe, and want to run and hide. "Never forget that feeling young leaper. That is your chi clashing with his. You feel frightened because he is way above your level.

After hearing the word Leaper, the man's ears perked up and he slowly made his way towards Jackson. "So this is your new Leaper aye Kwon? Still so young...too bad about him though. He looks like he could've been good." The man lunged at Jackson from over 20 feet away, clearing that distance in a single bound at a speed Jackson could hardly keep up with. As everything seemed to slow down and the mans huge fist barred down on Jackson, something amazing happened. He suddenly flew sideways and into a wall.

Master Kwon was on his feet, already drawn back from the blow he gave the man. "Benjamin, just because you completed my training does not mean you are above your master." Jackson's jaw dropped when he heard that statement.

The man quickly got to his feet and squared off with master Kwon. He bowed deeply and got into a fighting stance. "I've surpassed you long ago." He sprung at Master Kwon, moving so fast he was barley a blur to Jackson. Master Kwon jumped at the last second his foot driving home into Benjamin's face. As the big lummox dropped, Master Kwon leapt backwards with a flip and landed back on his feet still in the ready position.

"Remember what I told you about your emotions leaper?" master Kwon asked shooting Jackson a look. "Yes Master, you said controlling emotions means controlling chi." Jackson bowed as he repeated what the Master said, he still didn't know what the significance was of this gesture. He just new he was supposed to do it whenever repeating a Lesson the Master taught him.

"Good, now it's time for an example" Master Kwon closed his eyes and began grunting.

Jackson's jaw hit the floor when he saw small lights appear on Master Kwon's skin and began making their way down his arms and joined at his fists, until it glowed so bright Jackson had to turn away. "Do not turn away Leaper, it is imperative you see how this is done." Jackson shielded his eyes the best he could as he looked back at master Kwon, whose fists were now completely enveloped in glowing light.

"Ben, you know how I feel about interruptions to my training. Go back now and never return." Master Kwon leapt towards Ben at a speed Jackson could not even see. It almost appeared he teleported in front of the lummox. "I will find this place again Kwon." The man didn't even move as master Kwon's fists slammed into him. He emitted a small cry as what seemed like an explosion rocked the dojo, and a bright light washed everything to white.

When his eyes readjusted, Jackson saw Master Kwon standing where both men had been moments before. "Leaper, I want 500 push-ups, 1000 sit-ups, and 500 chin-ups." By the time you're done. I'll have some tea that'll help you learn to harness your emotions.

Master Kwon left Jackson alone, knowing that Jackson would oblige his request. Jackson couldn't help be a bit confused though, he hated tea, and how would it help him do what Master Kwon just did.

[B][CENTER]Chapter 6: Final Lesson[/CENTER][/B]

Today was the day of his 16th birthday. Jackson could think nothing more than this as he woke up in his little bed, in his little room, in Master Kwon's dojo. He couldn't believe it had been 3 years since he began his training...and 3 years since he'd heard from his mother. That thought sadden him deeply....how could his own mom abandon him the way she did.

Jackson prepared to start his day as always, he exited the door to the training room of the dojo. Usually empty, Jackson couldn't believe he saw Master Kwon standing in the middle of the room. On occasion, when another student from another dojo came to spar with Jackson. Master Kwon would wait for Jackson to wake up so he could explain the day. It had been over a year since he'd had a sparing match with anyone. Master Kwon said it was because Jackson surpassed the other students, and they it was becoming harder to find participants.

Jackson walked to the center of the mat and bowed deeply to his Master. He rose and waited for him to speak. Master Kwon let out a sigh and looked at Jackson. "It seems as though our training is to be cut short leaper. Though I do not think you to be ready, your final test will be today." Jackson new he looked dumbfounded. "But master, I haven't even learned the iron fist technique, Jackson referred to the attack Master Kwon hit Ben with.

"Yes I know...I'd hoped you would've achieved that before it came to this. But it appears Ben has found us again and will be here moment..." As if by Queue the door flew open and there stood the mountain that was "Ben". Just as Ben remembered the hot headed ex-student of Master Kwon spoke with more of a yell than anything else. "Kwon, I told you I'd find you. You think you can hide from a Leaper?"

"You're no leaper Benjamin, you utilize technology. You will never been real leaper." At that moment, Jackson realized there was more to this "leaper' business than just a name he was given. "Besides, you're going to be the final test for my young leaper here." Jackson immediately realized what his final test was. He slowly made his way to the center ring and waited for Ben. He knew he looked scared, because he was. Benjamin was 7 feet tall to Jackson’s 6. He weighed at least 250 pounds to Jackson’s 180. He didn't see any possible way he could do it...but he had Master Kwon's training at hand.

"Are you kidding me? This...this is his final test? You are going to let him die right here in your ring. Find by me, one less of his kind in this world is a blessing." In a show of conceitedness Ben leapt the whole 30 ft. Span between him and Jackson in a single Jump. 3 years ago, Jackson would've thought this impossible, but training with master Kwon had given him new insight to the limits of the human body.

Squaring off, Jackson bowed deeply, the arrogant Ben did not return the gesture. "Leaper...he will kill you. But trust me, you can beat him son....Ready...FIGHT." Not hesitating for a second Ben lunged at Jackson. Jackson however, did hesitate. He watched the man move, 3 years ago he couldn't even keep up with his movements. Now he seemed to be moving at a normal pace, Jackson dove to the side narrowly dodging an enormous fist.

Rolling back to his feet he returned to his ready stance again, amazed at the brutes power, but more so amazed at how far he'd come in 3 years. Again Ben lunged, this time however he feinted with the fist. When Jackson came up from his roll this time Ben was waiting, with a right rolling kick to Jackson's ribs. The force of the kick launched Jackson into the air, he knew right then and their a rib was broken, and this was real. Jackson landed with a thud, rolling onto his stomach and coming up to his knees, he didn't even have time to react as Ben was beside him. Throwing another kick straight into his ribs. This one sent him to master Kwon's feet.

"Leaper, harness your emotions, you can do this. Your mother is on her way, do you want Ben to get his hands on her? That's who he really wants."

The thought of something happening to his mother gave Jackson new life. He rolled up onto his feet and stood strong as Ben charged again, as the big lummox threw a punch Jackson Dodged, gripped his wrist, and twisted his body. Hammering Ben down onto the mat with a sickening thud. He quickly reversed his grip and put the mammoth into an arm bar. The screams coming from Ben were sickening, Jackson didn't think he was putting much pressure, but you would've thought he broke the arm.

Jackson raised his leg up and smashed it into Ben's ribs. Another cry left the big man, "Stop, oh my god please stop. You're going to kill me." Hearing this, Jackson felt a pang of compassion in his heart. He never wanted to hurt anyone this bad...He released the big man and sprang to his feet. "You fought well Ben." He bowed to the man...and was met with a kick to the face. The kick sent him sprawling on his back, Ben was on him in a moment. Punches raining down on Jackson, one right after the other in succession. After a few barrages, Jackson could feel the blackness creeping in on him, as he slipped from consciousness, he heard the big man gloating. "Your students are always so weak, that's why I left Kwon. After I finish him, I'm taking you and the bitch down too."

Jackson felt a surge of anger like nothing he'd ever felt. He knew Ben was referring to his mother, and he was not about to let anything happen to her or Master Kwon. Jackson kicked his legs up making contact with the back of Ben's head. As he rolled over, Jackson gripped onto his arms rolling with him. As he came up on top of Ben, he put his feet on his chest and leapt back into a back roll. "I know now what you've been talking about Master. I can feel my emotions burning...." Jackson concentrated on his mother's face. He could feel the energy burning inside of him.

He opened his eyes and saw his fists, glowing like Master Kwon's did years ago. "Ben, you will NEVER touch my mother." Jackson sprang at him, the energy that surged through his firsts, surged through the rest of his body, doubling his speed. He was on Ben before he even realized it, slamming the two glowing clubs into the mans chest. With a cry and a loud explosion the white light again enveloped the Dojo.

When it settled, Ben was gone. Master Kwon was in his usual seat with a smile. "We must speak Leaper....but we must wait on one more."

Again as if on Queue, the door came open. This time, however, it wasn't a large man at the door. Instead it was Ben's mom....he could only stand there. And start to cry.

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I do sort've agree I should've went the way I originally wrote the story DeLarge. I actually had thought about that after my 2nd or 3rd chapter. By then though it was too late to go back. Ironically, I thought this would answer a lot of questions. Any trust me, the Student/Wise Master thing hasn't even gotten started yet.

I went back and spell checked my entire piece to date.

Again thanks for the comments. I'm going to start posting every Tuesday and Friday, well I should say try because you never know what could happen.

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[B][CENTER]Chapter 7: Secrets revealed[/CENTER][/B]

Jackson was overcome with so many different feelings all at once. The first he felt was surprise, he hadn’t seen or heard from his mother in 3 years. Secondly he felt angry; angry his mother hadn’t bothered to even call him. Lastly, the feeling that completely took over, was joy. Joy to know his mother hadn’t forgotten him, that she still cared for him

Jackson ran to her and wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. After what seemed like an hour, but in reality was only a few seconds, he released his mother and let her have it. “Mom, why did you leave me? Why haven’t you…” She put a finger to his lips and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Honey, everything’s fine.” After another quick hug Jackson watched his mother walk to Master Kwon and give him a hug. “It’s good to see you Takashi-son.”

“Wait, you two know each other?” In an instant, Jackson’s life had been sent into another spiral. “What the heck is going on here?” Jackson’s mom looked at Master Kwon and smiled. “Well Jackson, we have a LOT of explaining to do. How about we do it over lunch.” Master Kwon motioned the trio through a door Jackson had never seen before. In it was a dining room, the nicest one Jackson had ever seen. Three plates of steaming hot bulgogi, (One of Jackson’s favorite dishes), were already sat out.

After dining, the time for explaining had come. “Okay, now you guys have to fill me in, what’s going on here. And why haven’t you tried to find me mom?” Jackson’s mother smiled as she swallowed her last bite. “I don’t know what you mean honey, it’s only been a few hours since I left.” The sly smile she had, indicated she had more to say. “I guess Takashi didn’t fill you in on our. . Little secret?”

Picking up right where Jackson’s mom left off Master Kwon spoke up, “You see Leaper, my home is a gateway of sorts. It exists, and again it does not.” He paused to drink a bit of the tea he had sitting in front of him. Before he continued, Jackson’s mother picked up. “Jackson, do you remember when your father disappeared?” “Of course I do mom, how could I?” It was the truth too, Jackson was there. It all happened so quick, his father entered a building to save a young girl from a raging fire. The Building’s gas line ruptured from the heat and the whole building exploded. They never did find the bodies of his father, or the young girl.

“The truth of that is, there wasn’t really a young girl in the fire. The voice was that of Corinth, the goddess of protection, and the spirit of the Leapers.” Jackson’s eyes widened as he thought of all the times Master Kwon spoke of him as a “leaper. “Leapers are very rare, and their powers are passed around sporadically down their gene pool. You and your father are the first ever to be passed down directly from one generation to the next.”

Jackson smiled a bit, when he thought about being something special. Especially if it was a trait passed to him by his father. “Leapers, are the only beings able to withstand the forces of dimensional rifts. Corinth uses this “gift” and you to defend other worlds in peril.” “Peril?” Jackson had been so awestruck that he was a variable “superhero”, the word Peril though brought him straight back down to earth. “Yes, other worlds in distant parts of the universe. For one reason or another, such as a nuclear war, or a warlord on a path of destruction. Whatever the reason, Corinth summons you and you cannot refuse to respond.”

Jackson could figure the rest out for himself. He was gitty as could be that his father could still be alive, out there some where battling evil. “ So where is my dad, how do I go and find him.” Jackson’s mother’s eyes went straight from his too the floor, “Unfortunately there’s no way for a Leaper to summon his powers himself. Corinth opens the portals and you “leap” through them. The odds of you ever seeing your father again are not good.” Jackson hated the feeling, again he had to go through the loss of his father. Just when there was the slightest chance he could see his father again, he lost it.

“So, where do you fit in Master?” He looked away from his mother and towards Master Kwon. “Are you a leaper as well?” Master Kwon smiled when he answered. “At one time I was a young leaper. Corinth used me for many, many tasks. Finally she decided she wouldn’t get rid of me. She gave me this house, which exists in an alternate reality that only I control. Inside there is no time, like you, you have grown three years, but the outside world has not at all. And like that I will never grow old, Corinth also gave me an eternity to train leapers such as yourself.”

For some reason, Jackson felt sorry for Master Kwon. Living forever, he would never be able to love. He is stuck in an endless cycle of training, over and over again. It had to have been lonely. Something then popped into Jackson’s mind. “Wait, Ben was your student right? You had mentioned something about him relying on technology?”

Master Kwon ducked his head, and for the first time in 3 years Jackson saw him ashamed. “Ben was my student about 10 years ago. He was very adept at my training, but he never grew in power as quick as a normal leaper does, another gift you get from Corinth, you grow stronger much faster than a normal person. I quickly discovered Ben’s father, who was a leaper, had lied and made me think that Ben was one of us. Instead I discovered an evil young boy who only wanted my training for bad purposes. I took the only course of action I could and kicked him out of my dojo, and Corinth took Ben’s father’s powers away. Leaving him completely human. Ben and his father became so infuriated they began working on a machine to jump dimensions. Unfortunately with some help they succeeded. Do not worry about them my son, you’re “iron fist” technique sent Ben away. It will take him some time to return to his own world, let alone find my ever moving home.”

As Jackson starred at his fists, Master Kwon spoke a warning, it a tone more serious than any Jackson had ever heard. “Know this Leaper, outside of this Dojo. That technique will not just expellee someone from a dimensional rift, it will cause them pain and, or possibly, kill them. It is not a tool for selfish use.” Jackson looked again at his fists with a new sense of respect, and fear.

“We can talk more about this later honey. Takashi, thank you again for helping Jackson. But we need to get him back to school, it should be just after his lunch period and I think there’s someone he wants to talk to.” Jackson walked out of the room with his mother, and prepared to re-enter the world he left, with a new sense of purpose. He couldn’t deny, it was nice.

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[B][CENTER]Chapter 8: First Leap[/CENTER][/B]

Another explosion rocked the bunker; another scream pierced the night sky. Jackson was huddled with the other members of his squad. The latest air strike on his unit was the fiercest there had been since he’d been drafted.

His squad was a special frontline attack force. It was full of the hardest, meanest, and best soldiers in the military. It was formed for the soul purpose of quelling the most recent of confrontations quickly. Even fitted with the best technology and the best men, the unit was slowly being decimated by enemy attacks. They were down to only twenty or so men, and things were looking dim. As the ground attack siren sounded, it seemed doom was all to near for the men. Until now it had just been air strikes, missiles, mortars and the like, but a ground attack signaled the enemies’ intent to wipe them out for good.

The voice of Sergeant Jeremy Myers, Jackson’s squad leader and best friend, rang out above the commotion. “Men, this is it, our final stand. We can’t defend from inside this facility, instead we’re going to go out there and give them hell. McGee, you take point with me.” Jackson made his way through the packed group and stood beside his first real friend knowing full well this would probably be his last few moments alive, it was too bad too. All he could think about was how he never got the chance to leap, strange too seeing as he hadn’t thought of leaping in well over a year now.

“You ready buddy?” Myers looks dead on into Jackson’s face. “Let’s do it Sarge.” All at once, every man in there succumbed to their most basic animal instincts, yelling and carrying on, revving themselves up for what was going to be their last day on earth. They were determined though, ready to take as many enemies out with them.

Jackson gripped his rifle tight; he’d grown quite good with it over the past year of service, he was selected for advanced sniper training. Of course to start as soon as this most recent campaign came to an end. Jackson and Jeremy burst through the door to the bunker together, Jackson heard the shot as it was fired, unfortunately Jeremy didn’t. He fell to the ground, half of his head gone.

Jackson was overwhelmed with sadness at first, and then a white hot rage like nothing he’d ever felt before. As he turned, everything around him seemed t slow to a crawl. He saw the man who shot his friend, and before that man could get another shot off Jackson buried a bullet between his eyes. Another man behind him, Jackson dove behind a wall of sandbags and heard a scream as a man behind where Jackson had just been took a bullet. Jackson came up firing, hitting his targets one after the other. He was possessed; the loss of Jeremy was more than he could take. He’d seen death before, but mostly it was people he barley knew. Every time he felt sorry for them, but this time something was taken from him. He dropped behind the bunker to reload; he’d gotten off all 60 shots in his clip with 60 kills. At the rate he was going he may survive, or so he thought.

The whole time he’d been firing he hadn’t checked to see how many men were left. As he went down for his third reload he finally did. It was only him and the other man lucky enough to take refuge behind the same sandbags Jackson had. It was Franklin Mitchell or Frak to the group. He wasn’t much of a solder, hell wasn’t much of a human being. He was cowardly and selfish. Jackson was sure he only was near Jackson because of his skill. Hell the whole time Frak didn’t fire a single shot, just let Jackson do all the work.

“If you aren’t going to help, give me your clips.” Jackson didn’t wait for an answer and grabbed Frak’s ammo pouch and reloaded again. Halfway through this clip Jackson quit firing, it was over. As he arose from behind the wall the most disgusting sound in the world rose over the air. It was the sound of an enemy attack helicopter, they were nasty. Bullet proof, fast, with hellfire missiles and Gatling guns there was no way an infantry unit could take one down. And one was peaking over the trees.

The first missile crashed about a hundred yards from his position. The cries he heard told there were more survivors then he originally thought. Something had to be done, the helicopter settled about 20 yards from Jackson’s spot, and hovered about 50 feet in the air. He handed Frak his gun as he pulled him behind their makeshift bunker. “Listen, I need some help from you. Take this grenade, when I start running, pull the pin and toss it into the ammo tent.” Frak took it looking at him oddly. “You want me to blow up what’s left of our ammo?” Jackson felt that white hot surge again and grabbed the man by the collar, “Do it, and when this is over RUN back towards the main camp. You shouldn’t have any trouble making it back, besides backups on the way and will be here within a day or so. You’ll meet them halfway.”

Frak, still looking confused as could be, nodded and took the grenade. Jackson watched intently as the helicopter made another pass by their position. Once it was facing the opposite direction he sprung, running at full steam. He made it halfway there when the explosion rang out behind him. Frak had done what he asked perfectly, the helicopter swung around facing Jackson. Everything was going to plan, that is until the one remaining enemy infantry soldier sprung up from his “playing possum” position. As he squeezed off his first shot, Jackson juked to the left and drew his knife. When he heard the second shot he began to turn his body in a spin to the right, the third shot almost made him deaf as it rang out in his ear.

The man dropped, knife in throat, as Jackson finished his spin. Without missing a step he closed another ten yards and leapt upon the hummer the helicopter was hovering over. The pilot let loose a barrage with his Gatling gun, Jackson could feel the rocks being kicked up from the bullets impact sting his legs. He leapt from the hummer onto a mobile storage shed that was about 20 feet tall, he flexed his legs and called upon all his strength to make the jump. He soared about 5 feet above the helicopter, the pilot stopped firing, probably too dumbfounded by the man landing on his canopy 50 feet above the ground.

Jackson recalled his bout with Ben 3 years previous. Calling upon all his chi, the pilot’s eyes became wide with terror as his fists began to glow. Jackson could feel the helicopter start to pitch underneath him as the pilot tried to throw him off, he didn’t wait to fully charge the attack, he was much stronger than he was back then, and had a lot more chi to harness. He willed all his energy into one fist and down it came onto the canopy. The helicopter exploded as the energy from the [I]Iron Fist [/I] came crashing into it sending Jackson flying.

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. The next thing Jackson knew he was on his back, feeling sicker than ever before. He rolled over onto his stomach as all its contents from the past two days came pouring out of his mouth. He continued to gag and vomit for several moments. After he composed himself he looked up. Hovering over the mess he just made was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. He’d felt he’d seen her before, but where?

The answer would have made him fall on his ass, if he wasn’t already on it. It was the same girl who he had seen go into Master Kwon’s dojo years ago, he’d forgotten all about her. He stood up and smiled, realizing at once who she must be. “Corinth?” the single word, the single question, he knew the answer. It was time for him to become the Leaper he was born to be.

[CENTER][B]Chapter 9: Duty[/B][/CENTER]
“Do not worry young one, the sickness passes quickly. You will get used to it with the more leaps you do.” Corinth said smiling. Jackson was captivated with her beauty; she had long, flowing white hair that emitted a slight golden glow. She wore a blue dress that belonged in the medieval ages, but yet had a modern appeal to it. Her eyes were an ice blue that Jackson could have starred into all day. He sobered up however when he realized she would have only summoned him for an important task.

“The time has come, Jackson, time for you to fulfill your destiny as a leaper.” The smile on her face diminished, and her light hearted voice that seemed to ring out from all corners of the room now seemed as though it carried a heavy burden on it. “You are still young, so please tell me what your master and your mother have told you about being a leaper?”

Jackson tried recalling all his lessons with Master Kwon after the last bout with Ben and the revelation that he was born for something great. Though he’d been taught numerous lessons in fighting, harnessing chi, mercy, and discipline; he’d never been told a single thing about leaping. He tried recalling his mother, telling his father’s stories, still nothing more. “Well, I’m not…not real sure” Jackson couldn’t fight back the stammer; the feeling of ignorance overwhelmed him. “I know with your help leapers can cross dimensions.”

Corinth smiled and didn’t wait for him to say more, she knew exactly what he knew he realized. “That’s true to a point; leapers are the only creatures in the universe that can survive a dimensional leap with no technological assistance. That is why you and your kind are selected by me for missions to far away planets.” Jackson stared at her a confused look on his face. “I thought we crossed into dimensions, how do we go to planets?”

Corinth’s smile only grew bigger, “Dimensional checkpoints, I open the rifts you cross into. These areas or checkpoints, allow you to cross to other checkpoints. Each checkpoint is a galaxy in the universe. My job, which was tasked to me by the high god, is to find a train people with your….unique genetic makeup. You then go to worlds in peril. They may be in danger of a warlord growing too powerful, unnatural destruction such as a techno, which are people who hunt leapers they use their technology to leap and cause as much destruction as possible. I believe you met one, Ben?”

Jackson reared back; Master Kwon had said something about Ben leaping unnaturally, utilizing technology to do it. Without waiting on him to compose himself Corinth continued, “There are several other reasons this could come about. No matter where I send you, always remember that different planets breed different types of people. Some are much more powerful innately than you are, some have more advanced technology, and some are as primitive as your cavemen. Such as your first assignment, I am sending you to a small planet called Falconion 1. It’s located far away; they’re in your “medieval ages”.

Jackson smiled at this; he’d always been interested in the medieval period in school. He couldn’t believe he was going to a place where he could really get to experience it first hand. Apparently not noticing his enthusiastic grin Corinth continued, “I won’t normally summon you hear or fill you in on your mission. I don’t even normally meet my leapers. I have taken special notice of you Jackson, make me proud. Oh and by the way, your goal for this mission will become apparent as soon as you land.”

She waved her hand and Jackson could feel himself being pulled through another rift. “Oh before I forget, I want you to take this with you. I think it’ll come in handy; this is the blade Master Kwon first used. He knows you have this, make him proud.”

As everything faded away, an ornately designed blade appeared in his hand. The pommel was golden, carved in the image of Corinth. The blade was about three-feet long and slightly curved. The cross-piece depicted a dragon’s wings, it was made of a silver looking metal, but when he touched it, it seemed much sturdier than any metal he’d ever felt. Whatever it was, the blade was made of the same metal.

As Jackson rematerialized he once again collapsed, this time managing not to puke. He wasn’t sure if that was because he was growing at least used to it a little; or if it was contributed to the fact he’d lost his lunch already all over Corinth’s hall floor. He arose to his feet just in time to see a spear thrusting at his face; he dove and rolled to his feet blade in hand already facing his foe. Though he was obviously not interested in being friends with Jackson, he still was amazed to see the knight in shining armor right in front of him.

“By order of King Garith, I demand you surrender your weapon and die like a man” Jackson had a feeling he knew what he was sent here to do.

[Kenso]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]OK, I'll give fair warning: I'm going to be pointed and blunt in this. If you'd prefer something softer, than I'd skip this post if I were you.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]To be frank, this piece was painful to read, almost literally. You lack proper punctuation and capitalization, and your sentence structuring is horrid in many places. On a quick scan I can locate a dozen spelling mistakes, and I'm not even looking for them.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]Your chapters feel rushed, although I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt with this, since you said you were going to work quickly through the initial training time. So far, the story feels rather cliche, and the characters are relatively flat and lifeless. I just cannot bring myself to like or dislike any of them. Both times 'Ben' arrived were far too rushed, and never at any point is it so much as hinted at what his real problem with Kwon is, or why he would have any interest in getting his hands on Jackson's mother.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]I'm going to keep up with this for now, see where you go and what you do with what I've said so far, but right now, to be completely honest, it's not looking good at all.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Kenso][FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]I'm going to keep up with this for now, see where you go and what you do with what I've said so far, but right now, to be completely honest, it's not looking good at all.[/SIZE'][/FONT][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]So what incentive are you giving [COLOR=DarkRed]Drizz't[/COLOR] to keep going at all? Do you even want to see him add to his efforts? Or was that post an attempt at subtly telling him to pack it up and throw it in? (Stress on [I]attempt[/I].)

I am by no means a master of literature, but I have shredded people before as well, and the one thing I make certain I do every time I rip apart a section is offer suggestions on how to make it better. Where were your suggestions? Do you care? I also try and find at least one good point in the critiquee's work. You said nothing but "this is trash".

Bluntness is one thing. I [I]am[/I] a master of that, at least. But if you're unwilling to attempt to help a 'younger' writer improve on their weak points, then you have no right to even point them out.

In the future, [COLOR=Arial]Kenso[/COLOR], I would prefer it if you offer balanced criticism, instead of merely dissing a poster who obviously wants to write on some level. I don't expect you to pull any punches. But tell the person how to avoid those punches as well.[/FONT]

[Drizzt Do'urden]

I've already PM'd Kenso directly to answer his questions. But i thought it would be good to let anyone else who may have the same questions/criticisms.

As far as the spelling/punctuation goes. I haven't been using spell check to save myself time. I wasn't sure how many people would read the story and until I knew for sure if there was/wasn't much of an interest in it, so I've been writing for me and putting my ideas on paper so to speak. Now that I have at least one peson interested I'll start being more Grammatically correct.

I mentioned the chapters being rushed in the intro to my story so that really doesn't need to be said. They're going to continue to jump up until chapter 10, everything before that is really the "intro" of sorts.

With the question of the character's lacking depth; since so far I'm just touching on the beginings of Jackson's life, I've just zoomed through all the characters. None of them have played their main parts yet. Especially Ben and Master Kwon, they'll be around a lot more and there "characters" will be more revealed as time goes on.

Again, this story is more to get my ideas on paper. I'm not trying to make it into a novel or anything of the sorts. When I started writing short stories about Jackson McGee as a "hero" for my Nephew. I didn't even start until my Chapter 10 here, so everything up too is new for me.

I do appreciate any comments regardless of how blunt they are. I will do my best to be more grammatically correct in the future, and as I said will be utilizing spell check from now on. Anyone else who wants to post any comments/criticisms, feel free to let me have it, I'll do my best to fix. Please do let me know anything you do like about it, because lets face it. If you're willing to read through 12 pages, 6500+ words. There has got to be something that kept you interested, so let me know what it is.

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Drizzt Do'urden;820269]As far as the spelling/punctuation goes. I haven't been using spell check to save myself time. I wasn't sure how many people would read the story and until I knew for sure if there was/wasn't much of an interest in it, so I've been writing for me and putting my ideas on paper so to speak. Now that I have at least one peson interested I'll start being more Grammatically correct.[/QUOTE]The problem with taking that approach is you don't know how many people you've alienated from even reading it just by not taking a moment to run things through a spell check before posting. It's not that people expect perfection, but consistently running into spelling errors can be a turn off. It comes across as if the author couldn't be bothered instead of a rough draft.[QUOTE=Drizzt Do'urden']Again, this story is more to get my ideas on paper. I'm not trying to make it into a novel or anything of the sorts. When I started writing short stories about Jackson McGee as a "hero" for my Nephew. I didn't even start until my Chapter 10 here, so everything up too is new for me.

I do appreciate any comments regardless of how blunt they are. I will do my best to be more grammatically correct in the future, and as I said will be utilizing spell check from now on. Anyone else who wants to post any comments/criticisms, feel free to let me have it, I'll do my best to fix. Please do let me know anything you do like about it, because lets face it. If you're willing to read through 12 pages, 6500+ words. There has got to be something that kept you interested, so let me know what it is.[/QUOTE]I'd still recommend at least doing basic spell check. I know for myself, that's a bit of a turn off. I'd consider at least fixing the spelling errors and then worry about polishing up the grammar. It might get you more readers if you do that. If you don't have word, there are plenty of online services you can use, like hotmail or zolo. Even firefox has basic spell check that works inside the actual box when typing up a post. So that's my advice, to find a program to check things.

Punctuation and capitalization would come next in my opinion. It just shows that you're sincerely interested in getting feedback. I know you're just getting your ideas out on paper, but fixing small details like that comes across as you're more serious about wanting good feedback. At least that's the impression I get when reading something.

[DeLarge]

[SIZE=1]I don't critique things all that often, so I'm going to go ahead and basically say what I would have done differently with this story. It's not necessarily the best option, but I'm just giving you some ideas and pointers to try and improve the story in some way.

I agree with the sentiment that running things through a spelling and grammar check before posting them is an absolute necessity. I know the first things my eye are drawn towards when reading something are any glaring mistakes, and frankly there are quite a few in this piece. Just write it up in a word processing program before you post it here - that way if your internal spelling and grammar check fails, you have a back-up. Waiting until someone is interested before you start being fastidious about these kinds of things doesn't really work, as people are less likely to be interested if there are glaring mistakes in the work.

That said, I have read much worse, and it was far from unreadable in terms of mistakes.

However, in terms of story, I would have to agree with Kenso in saying that the characters are a little thin. You say you're doing this as a quick introduction, trying to quickly get to where you started from originally, but if you saw it as a good place to start originally, why not start from there when writing it out here? It doesn't hurt to have the character retain some air of mystery to him - starting from Jackson being a fully-fledged Leaper and then gradually revealing parts of his backstory could be quite an interesting way of doing things.

This would give you a more solid starting point than you seem to have here - if you've already thought about events that occur past Chapter 10 in this version of the story, then it could be easier to start from there and fill in, and flesh out his character from there.

As for Master Kwon, give him more time in the story! The enigmatic mentor is always a cool character, so I would advise not giving away too much about him too soon.

Keep going with this - the only way you're going to improve is by continuing and taking everyone's advice on board. Good luck, I shall be keeping up with this.
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[Drizzt Do'urden]

Well I reached my character limit on my first 9 chapters. So this is where I'll start posting chapters 10+ here. Fittingly enough this is where I began telling story to my nephew (well really it was a mix between chapters 9 and 10). Enjoy, and I haven't heard from anyone in awhile concerning the story, so let me know what you think.

[B][CENTER]Chapter 10: Hard First Day[/CENTER][/B]

Jackson had never been trained in the use of weapons, so the blade didn't feel balanced and right. Instead it felt heavy, bulky, and not at all an extension of himself as he always thought a sword would feel. The knight, however, seemed to have no problem wielding the heavy looking spear, he thrust it over and over. It was all Jackson could do to role and dive out of the way.

Finally after Jackson lost count of the number of times he had to evade the spear, the knight stopped and starred at him. “Why do you not fight back?” He asked cautiously, sizing Jackson up for what he could only imagine would be another barrage with the spear. “I don’t know why you’re trying to kill me? I didn’t do anything wrong!” Jackson spat back.

The knight lifted his visor, in doing so he showed his age. The man was apparently old enough to be Jackson’s grandfather. He had pieces of his long white hair matted to his forehead with sweat, his skin looked tough and leathery, but his eyes were that of stone, they revealed how strong the old man really was. “By order of King Garith, no person shall be authorized to carry a weapon on their person. Surely you have heard this decree at some point in your short life? What is your name, and what province do you hail from?”

Jackson noted the change in the knight’s tone. It seemed he either didn’t deem Jackson a threat, or he had already ran the possibilities of the fight through his head. Either thought didn’t reassure Jackson at all. “My name’s Jackson and I’m from….” Jackson hesitated; if he told him where he really was from he would never believe him, “from the distant west. A long way from King Garith’s rule.

Suddenly, as quick as lightning the knight dropped his visor and raised his spear. “You lying dog, King Garith has ruled this entire planet for over 300 years. You must be a rebel dog; you will now die by the hands of Sir Thomas, his lord’s tenth knight!” Jackson knew there was no way Thomas was kidding. He quickly put his sword away; this wasn’t the time to learn swordplay. “Draw your weapon dog.” Jackson didn’t give him a chance to make the first move, he ran forward, closing the gap between the two in a heart beat. The knight was ready though, he thrust his spear straight towards Jackson.

It was a narrow miss as Jackson dove, rolled, and came up with a forward kick straight into the knight’s center of gravity. Bingo, the kick landed sending the knight sprawling backwards, spear flying. Jackson was on him in an instant drawing his sword and pointing it at the chink in the armor at the base of the throat. “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you right now Thomas?” Jackson did his best to sound intimidating, the old man had information he needed. He knew, however, there was no way he could kill someone.

“I think it would be best just to kill him myself. Though murdering one of the Kings’s Knights would result in a punishment far, far worse than death young one.” Jackson couldn’t believe what he saw, like something out of a movie there was a small explosion just a few yards away to his right, a large plume of smoke reveled what looked like a man, clad entirely in black robes, standing there. Where a second ago there was nothing but an open field on a sunny day.

“Now you WILL die rebel, let me introduce you to Gavin, the lord’s fifth Knight.” The old man’s voice was still as intimidating as it was just a few moments ago. This guy, Gavin, must have been the real deal. “Be quiet Thomas, next time I won’t come help. I should have let this one end you, but what would Lord Garith say if I let you die.” Gavin walked, or rather floated towards Jackson who tried to leap backwards, but was paralyzed by something.

“Yes, you are a strong one aren’t you? I have a feeling you were lying about where you hail from. You don’t belong here do you?” Jackson knew his face revealed everything, he couldn’t help it. Here was a man floating in the air in front of him, who had somehow paralyzed him without doing anything, and he knew he was an alien of sorts.”

Jackson had to do something, and do it quick. This had to be some sort of “magic” like from the stories his mother used to tell of King Arthur and his Magician Merlin. “So what happens now Sir Gavin, I surrender my sword and you two leave?” Jackson asked, he knew what the answer was, but he needed to find out just what this newcomer had in mind for him. “Nay, I’m afraid. Though he is as old as dirt itself and shouldn’t even be associated with the rest of us. You still assaulted one of the lord’s knights, and the punishment for such a crime is death.”

Gavin pointed a single finger at Jackson, as he did so the spear Thomas had been using flew up from the ground and hovered in front of the man, business end pointing directly at Jackson. With a flick of his wrist Jackson’s death soared at him as quick as lightning. Jackson was still paralyzed, he tried with all his might to free himself, but it was to no avail. The spear grew closer and closer, Jackson knew this would be the end of his story already. He would never see his mother again, wait, that thought, Jackson began to think about his mother; her face, her eyes, her hair. He would see her again, he had to.

The thought of his mother, caused his chi to boil out. Jackson felt pure rage over the thought of being separated from his mother. He wrenched his body forward, tried to dive, and finally just as the spear tip reached him he managed to dive over it, well almost over it. The blade grazed his leg, sending white hot fire throughout his leg. It wouldn’t slow him down though, as he came up out of a roll he lunged at Gavin. He closed the distance quickly, the whole time gathering up chi for the [I]iron fist[/I]. In the short amount of time he couldn’t gather much, but he knew it would be enough to at least give him some time to ready another one.

He threw his fist straight towards Gavin whose eyes were as big as walnuts. Jackson couldn’t help but smile at the cocky mans change of heart. As his fist neared, Gavin’s expression changed from fear to a smile. The man raised his hand and caught Jackson’s fist mid-fire. The chi suddenly vanished, and the next thing Jackson knew he was being raised by his throat by one of Gavin’s hands. “It seems you’re more than meets the eye whelp, but you aren’t the only one who isn’t all he seems. Many have mistaken me for just a magician, all have perished.” Everything started to go black; Jackson had never been very good at breathing while fighting. Master Kwon had always told him it would be his bane if he didn’t learn, and it was turning out to be. Jackson watched as Gavin pointed towards the spear which flew to his hand. Gavin held him close to his face, “Nobody will stop me from taking what is mine, especially not you.” He tossed Jackson into the air with ease. As he raised the spear like a baseball bat, Jackson tensed up.

The spear handle came forward faster than anything Jackson had ever seen, it hit home straight in his gut. Launching him into the air, or so he thought, before he got even a few feet Gavin leapt up past him, swinging the spear handle down straight into Jackson’s back. Jackson couldn’t fight the scream that he let out, the pain was worse than anything he’d ever felt. The only thing worse was hitting the ground, not because he hit it so hard, but because as he bounced the spear hit him again in the ribs sending him soaring again. This time, however, Gavin was content watching him soar.

Jackson was so disorientated when he landed, he couldn’t tell if he was 10 feet from Gavin, or 100. Though he could barley see him, he could make out his voice. “How is it you are still alive? Hmm…I may have use for you after all.” As he began walking over, Jackson rose to his feet. He wobbled and swayed, trying to muster up some sort of counter attack. Gavin walked right up too him, spear on his back between his shoulders, he eyed Jackson up and down. “Good night whelp” fast as lightning the spear whipped towards his face; there wasn’t even any pain, just blackness.

Jackson awoke up sometime later in what seemed to be a prison cell. He looked around to try and find a window or something to the outside. His eyes were almost swollen shut, so he looked for some sort of spot of light. He wobbled around, until he noticed a form in the cell. After a moment, the thing started to talk and he realized who it was, “You and I need to talk about your only chance of leaving here alive.” Gavin’s voice was not melodic as it was earlier. It was dark, evil, and menacing. Jackson knew he wasn’t going to like their “talk”

Meanwhile…….

[Drizzt Do'urden]

[B][CENTER]Chapter 11: Meanwhile I[/CENTER][/B]

[I]?Preparations are complete my lord; all detonators are in place and ready to go. This planet will be a pile of rubble in exactly 20 minutes? The messenger?s voice was withdrawn, frightened even.

?Do you now see what you have brought upon yourselves by allowing that wretch to leap off your planet and not turning him over as you were ordered to do?? The small man spoke with a voice that didn?t seem to belong to him. He held the high king up by one arm, choking the life out of him as he spoke. ?Did you honestly think I wouldn?t notice his trail and where it led?? He tossed him to the ground, where the old man coughed and gagged as his body tried to fill his lungs after almost passing out.

The old man looked up; even beaten, bruised and brought close to death he still had a hateful look in his eyes where there should have been utter terror. ?The leaper did nothing to you or your ?reign?. All he did was try to find a place to rest from your constant pursuit. If I had to do it again I would make the same choice.?

The smaller man once again picked the king up, this time by his shirt to ensure he wouldn?t miss what he had to say by panicking over the sudden loss of air again. ?I hope you?re happy with your choice, because you will live to watch your people die.?

As the crew finished loading, the king was taken by his capture to an observation deck. The king lost his defiant look, and changed it out for one of sadness. ?They don?t even know what?s coming.? He turned and dropped to his knees he held his hands out to his sides as a show of submission. ?Please sire, I?ll help you find the leaper, just don?t hurt my people.?

The man looked at the king with no emotion in his eyes, ?I accept. Guard, send a message to the bridge and tell them to stop the detonators.? The guard nodded and stepped out of sight. The king rose to his feet and looked at his planet.

Suddenly there was an explosion; the king dropped back to his knees as everything he worked to obtain, the people he loved so much, and everything he knew was gone in an instant. ?You, you lied to me!? The king pulled a hidden dirk out of his boot and leapt at his capture. Side stepping him with no effort the dark man slammed the king into the wall, pinning him there. ?I guess I don?t have anything to bargain with huh. Would you change it now??

The dark man closed his eyes and began chanting something silently. The lights in the room flickered, small bolts of energy leapt off of him crackling with sheer power. Suddenly, the wall opened up and the vacuum of space took over the room. Sucking everything it could. The man released the King who opened his mouth to scream, but it was already too late.

The dark man closed the rip in the wall as the king floated away. He wasn?t sure if it was the cold, or the vacuum ripping at his insides that killed the king. Frankly he didn?t care, he knew in which direction the leaper was going, the only problem was catching up. He smiled at the thought, because like the leaper he had all the time in the world.[/I]

[Drizzt Do'urden]

Gavin chuckled as he watched Jackson struggle to feel his way around the cell. "Sit still, let me open your eyes to the depths of my power." Jackson did what he was told and stoped moving, he wasn't in a position to even attempt to get out of wherever he was. He heard Gavin mumblins some inaudible words, and then suddenly there was a bright shinning light.

Through his swollen eyes, it was hard to discern the nature of the light. It moved its way across the room and enveloped Jackson in a sea of warmth. As the shimmering light began to fade, Jackson noticed the swelling in his eyes going down. He also felt something on his leg, it was a gash that had been open'd. He watched as it healed right in front of him, what sort've "magic" was this? Until this day he'd held true to the logical stand point that magic could not exsist, but given the circumstances it most certainly had to.

"Now, let us continue." Gavin was obviously not as impressed with himself as Jackson was, "you are but a boy, but yet you bested the kings tenth knight with ease. With the power you possess you could easily kill any of the knights, even Rook, the kings first knight and personal protector." Jackson raised an eyebrow at this statement. The old man said that Gavin was the fifth knight, and though math wasn't his best subject, the first knight would have to be stronger than the fifth. Could it be, that he could take Gavin down given the right circumstances?

"Don't be silly, I can see what you're thinking. Know that I remain in the position I'm in for appearances only boy. I've been bidding my time, and awaiting the arrival of someone like you; someone who can give me the edge to defeat King Garith and establish my eternal rule." Jackson could have sworn he saw the sky grow darker through the small window at Gavin's back.

"Why do you need me? It seems like you have everything you need to do this yourself. Besides, if you need me, you obviously aren't going to kill me. What's in this for me?" Jackson felt his words must be true, it only made sense. That sinister laugh that Jackson had already grown to hate burst out of Gavin, "Need you? I could easily find someone else to do this task for me boy, you just interest me. Plus you save me the trouble of sending a dozen of my best men."

Jackson realized the position he was in now, it wasn't Jackson he wanted. He wanted someone strong, it looked like the cards were back in Gavin's hands, for good this time. "What I need, is a certain artifact. It lies in the mountain of fire, in the wasteland of Iru far to the south. I'll get you to the mountain, and you are to go in and take it from its owner."

Jackson had to find out as much information as possible, if he had to do this. He wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into, "Why can't you do this? If you're that much stronger than me it would seem more efficient for you to do it yourself."

Gavin didn't look happy, he waved his hand into the air, mumbling that language Jackson had never heard. In an instant he was standing outside a huge mountain, the entrance appeared to be an old mine shaft. "The foes you face inside are immune to all types of Magic, so you see my disadvantage. Know this I will be watching, and either trail out of here means certain death for all." Gavin disapeared after he made that statement, apparently the explosion that announced his entrance during his battle with Thomas was theatrics made to intimidate his enemy.

Jackson stared up at the mountain, or rather volcano. The ground shook violently with tremors every few seconds, and it seemed as though the volcano could go at any moment. Jackson looked at the road that led out of the canyon in which the entrance was located, the road didn't seem that dangerous, it could have been a trick and he could easily duck out, no that would've been foolish, he was sure Gavin was watching somewhere, probably though some sort've magical device far away from the danger.

"If he doesn't kill me when I get back, I'm going to have to have him show me some of that magic. Its the least he can do after sending me into this hell hole."

Jackson sighed, and made his way into the mountain side, he just knew he wasn't going to like this.

[Drizzt Do'urden]

Jackson could barley inhale the hot air inside the mountain. Apparently even the thick wall of rock couldn?t fully contain the heat of the molten rock they held. [I] This is ridiculous; there?s no way I?ll be able to find anything here. I bet there?s nothing even in here to be bothered by, no ?enemies? to worry about. He just doesn?t want to have to endure this heat. [/I]

As he finished that sentence, something moved in front of him. Jackson jumped back, drawing his blade. In front of him, a large shadow moved towards him. Slowly making its way towards Jackson; In the darkness of the cave it was impossible to get a good look, even though whatever it was was only about 20 feet away and still closing. As it neared what Jackson guessed to be about 10 feet, he could finally see what he was facing. A 7 foot tall skeleton barred down on him. In one hand it held a sword that was as big as Jackson, in the other was a shield. The shield depicted the same emblem that was on Garith?s. The creature began to speak, which was truly amazing seeing that it did not have a jaw bone. Its voice was raspy, it was one of those voices you heard in all those scary movies.

?Why have you entered the mountain of fire?? As it spoke, its eyes glowed a burning red color. Jackson knew he must have looked dumbfounded, he?d seen all the horror movies about monstrous skeletons killing peoples, but here in real life the question popped into his head, [I] How the hell can this thing be moving? It has no muscle, no skin, but yet it can hold a sword that weighs as much as me? [/I] Jackson gulped as he stood tall, ready in case the thing attacked him.

?I?m here on business, I?ve been tasked with locating an artifact the master of this mountain possesses. I ask that you move out of my way, and let me proceed. Unless that is, you are the one I?m looking for?? The thing suddenly sprinted forward with a speed that didn?t seem possible. It slashed down, trying to split Jackson in half. Luckily, it underestimated the young warrior. Jackson rolled forward, came up and thirsted his blade right between the skeleton?s ribs.

Not realizing his mistake, Jackson withdrew his sword and lept back. It was then he did realize his mistake. The creature still stood, a slight line was visible where the blade sliced into the bone a hair, but that was it. Jackson sighed, and took his ready stance. Instead of attacking the creature addressed him again, ?Young warrior, the master of the mountain urges me to let you pass. Be wary though, the mountain is a labrynth; there is no possible way for you to navigate it without light.? The skeleton turned his back on Jackson, dropped his sword and shield, and grabbed his head.

With a motion that almost made Jackson lose his lunch, he ripped his head off. The bones made a crunch noise that could?ve been heard for a mile. As it held its head in one hand, it waved the other over top of it. Without warning the head burst into flames. It then took its head, stuck it to the wall and mumbled a few words in a different language. The head then began slowly rolling down the wall, leaving a trail of flames that shouldn?t have been able to burn the rock, but yet were staying lit.

The head began picking up speed, it rolled faster and faster, until it rolled out of sight down the cave. The headless skeleton turned again towards Jackson, even more amazing then it being able to talk with no jaw, it could also talk with no head. ?Follow the trail lit for you, do not stray. For creatures lurk in the shadows, that are not working for the master. They have minds and wills of their own and will not hesitate to attack if you leave the light.? With that, the bones collapsed into a pile on the floor.

Jackson sheathed his blade and began following the flame.