Making Friends

[Darren]

So, I just moved into my dorm yesterday. College is certainly [insert adjective here], but I've already found myself with a problem.

I am in no way social at all... And being the only one from my graduating class that's attending OU, I don't know how to make friends. I went to my school for 10 years, so I never had to worry about making friends. But here, I feel like I've forgotten.

I do have one person I know, but she's a year older (not that it makes a huge difference) and she's a sorority girl. I don't want to be that guy who only has gal pals...

I would try to be friends with my roommate, but as of right now, I don't have one. :( He decided to attend another college at the last minute and the school didn't know that, so I'm without one for about a week or so... (Maybe longer)

So, what do I do? I can't just be a loner, but I don't know how to meet people. HELP!

[Sandy]

Darren, don't be so intimidated! You'll meet loads of people in the classes, at the cafeteria (or whatever you call it there), and even in the hallways. Remember that there are dozens and dozens of people in the exact same situation as you in the school - alone and without friends, but only for a while.

My advice is to just be open to possibilities, and just be yourself.

[Whiteblaze]

[FONT="Arial"]You went to the same school for the past ten years? Hmm, was it a private school or something? (Sorry, I'm just curious)

I think you'll be just fine. When people say they are not social I've found that's really ot the case or mean something else when they say that.

People (that don't know me) describe me as being quiet, but I say I just don't run my mouth as much as some people do. I do talk and talk a lot too, but I also tend to (well, in the past) talk the least when I am around new people in new situations. This I found was not such a good thing to do though I never did it on purpose. A friend told me something one day that really told me soemthing about myself. I can be shy at times and as I said before I get really quiet and really don't say much unless asked a question. She also told me difference between now and when we first met as she said I am much more open to talking thatn I was then.

I'm saying all this because I've noticed that by the time I warm up to people and everything most other people have made friends and don't feel the need to reach out any more like they do at the beginning of school. As long as you do things like talk to others and keep a conversation going with someone you just met you'll be just fine, Darren. You can do that can't you? ^_^

It took me longer than most people to realize the importance of conversation when you first meet people. It lets people get to know you a little bit and decide whether they like you or not. Just to get an impression of you. If you are speaking very little in a classroom full of people (like I'd do on the first day of school back in highschool, but then I already had friends from middle school and such) then they aren't able to see what you're like.

I don't know what you mean by you're in no way social at all (maybe you can tell me what you mean by that?), but if you just don't do the whole not talking very much thing, you'll be fine.

Also, making friends is just something that happens naturally. I would suggest not pushing it too much. Personally most if not all of my friends befriended me more or less. I've almost NEVER gone out of my way or put any effort into making friends and I always wind up with the best of people. People who like me for who I am, want to be around me, and people that I like.

As far as your concern about meeting people, well, you're certainly going to meet people. You just hope to meet people that you like and vice versa. Try joining an organizaton of interest, or going to a place of interest on campus so that way you'll run into people that share your interest. There's always your classes! That's a nice opportunity, I mean people who immediate have a link with you. You can ask someone a question about class or talk about an upcoming assignment just to start a conversation or something.

Lastly I would say the first few weeks of the semester is the best time to more easily befriend a person because after that people have established some friendships and will be busy doing their thing and won;t go too much out of the way to befriend others. Remember though that you'll have more acquaintances than friends and some of them will become a friend too so keep that in mind. And you will befriend people throughout your four years, but probably more those first two years.

I think you'll be just fine. Making friends, it's not something that you forget. ^_~[/FONT]

[eleanor]

[font=trebuchet ms] Yargh. I'm moving into college tomorrow.

I just tell myself that everyone there is in the same situation- no one knows each other (other than random FB friends or something), and it takes time to find friends. Just force yourself to be social, I guess. Go to the school-sponsored events, join clubs/organizations (I've heard from many college students that this is the best way to make friends, classes don't really cut it). [/font]

[Morpheus]

Which OU are we talking about here?

I just moved in yesterday and I'm enjoying it. I know a few people and they're helping me along in these first few days. What's really nice is that one of my best friends just told me that she was here as well. Instead of being 100 miles away she's hardly 60 feet away. It's like a movie moment where you think someone is gone forever and all of a sudden they're right back in your life again.

[outlawstar69]

I remember that ship, back when I was a freshman - and incidentally, one of my sisters is also going through that this fall.

There were maybe 3 kids from my high school who I kinda knew, who had gone on to the same college - so no luck there. I ended up realizing that aside from them, no one else had any clue who I was, preconceptions or otherwise... so I learned to open my mouth and say hello to pretty much everyone, in a friendly sort of way.

Depending on what your dorm is like, you may very well make friends by simply leaving your door open, and playing games / watching anime. That's how I met quite a few people; for there's nothing like walking down the hall, and hearing the music from Trigun, and popping in to chat :p

[Darren]

[quote name='Sandy']Darren, don't be so intimidated! You'll meet loads of people in the classes, at the cafeteria (or whatever you call it there), and even in the hallways.[/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]I'm trying to stay open-minded and all, but I don't go to the cafeteria simply because I don't have anyone to go with... And I feel really awkward eating by myself. (And since my parents decided to stock me with a months supply of food, it's not extremely necessary for me to leave my dorm unless I want to explore campus for the umpteenth time.
And yeah, I know I'll meet people in classes, but at that point, I'll be in classes. (Most of my family that I've talked to said they hardly met anyone in a class because everyone is so uptight. It could be different for me, but it's not exactly encouraging, you know?) And I don't even know how I could ever meet anyone in the halls... I guess I could engage in a quick 2 minute conversation while we were going down the elevator and then I would quite possibly never see the person again.[/SIZE]
[quote name='Whiteblaze'][FONT="Arial"]You went to the same school for the past ten years? Hmm, was it a private school or something? (Sorry, I'm just curious)[/FONT][/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]Yes. I started there in 2nd grade, and I just graduated... But no, it was a pretty small public school (graduating class: 112) and I feel like that's also why it's hard to make friends. Because at my school, even if I wasn't friends with everyone, I still knew everyone.
I think for the most part, I'm shy... And that probably stems from my small town upbringing because I never really had to be a socialite to be on the up-and-up. Once I get to know people, I can be extremely social, but I'm never able to meet people on my own. I mostly meet my friends through other friends... (And the only problem is that I can't remember how I made those original friends because it was so long ago)[/SIZE]
[quote name='Lunox'][font=trebuchet ms]I just tell myself that everyone there is in the same situation- no one knows each other (other than random FB friends or something), and it takes time to find friends. Just force yourself to be social, I guess. Go to the school-sponsored events, join clubs/organizations (I've heard from many college students that this is the best way to make friends, classes don't really cut it). [/font][/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]Well see, I feel like I'm really handicapped there, because at least the majority of college freshmen have a room mate... However mine transferred before school started, and I think I'm the only one on my floor still living by themselves. As far as I know, I won't have a roommate until the college realizes I don't. (Which is by Monday, at the latest) But at that point, classes will have already started. I would have like the opportunity to befriend my roommate before school officially started just so I wouldn't have to be preoccupied with school work and such. Also, I feel like everyone else on my floor has already bonded with other people and I already feel like I'm excluded. Even when I get my new roommate, he will probably have already made friends so that's a big problem.[/SIZE]
[quote name='Morpheus']Which OU are we talking about here?

I just moved in yesterday and I'm enjoying it. I know a few people and they're helping me along in these first few days. What's really nice is that one of my best friends just told me that she was here as well. Instead of being 100 miles away she's hardly 60 feet away. It's like a movie moment where you think someone is gone forever and all of a sudden they're right back in your life again.[/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]The University of Oklahoma...
I have one friend here. But it's like I said, she's a year older and a sorority girl. She had the opportunity to move in week earlier, and she's already told me that when she moves into her house, we won't be able to eat lunch together or anything, so I'm sorta panicking because I know she'll always be busy with all the sorority stuff. And the one friend she's introduced me to, I really like. But she's also a busy sorority girl and I know that we wouldn't really be friends if it weren't for my friend, so that acquaintance is destined to fall apart in a few days.
Unfortunately, I don't even stand a chance of finding someone from my high school (other than this one girl) who goes to OU. I think with me included, there's a total of four. One graduated two years ago, (and I've never said two words to him or even seen him on campus) and the other two graduated last year. (The girl that I'm kinda hanging out with now, and the other one who I know as a connection through my brother, and I don't really like him) Everyone else from my high school attends the local community college.
I guess that takes me back to square 1. (And square 0 when you factor in the lack of a roommate and the fact that my friend won't be available to hang out much longer)[/SIZE]
[quote name='outlawstar69']Depending on what your dorm is like, you may very well make friends by simply leaving your door open, and playing games / watching anime. That's how I met quite a few people; for there's nothing like walking down the hall, and hearing the music from Trigun, and popping in to chat :p[/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]I really wish I could that, but in my dorm, you'll get cited for leaving your door open and a fine is really the last thing I want at this point. :( It would be like the perfect ending to a really bad sitcom.[/SIZE]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Darren][SIZE="1"']I really wish I could that. But in my dorm, you'll get cited for leaving your door open and a fine is really the last thing I want at this point. :([/SIZE][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]That's total crap, man. I'm sorry. 'Cause, really, the open-door thing, along with standing out in the hall and yacking with the new freshmen, was how I met people. So it bites that you're penalized for being open.

I think the best way to break the ice with someone, if you absolutely have to take the initiative, is to notice a few things about them, and when you decided to greet them mention stuff relating to your observations. People will open up more if you act like you care.

But that's kind of obvious. :p[/FONT]

[MaskedRider]

I'd say just find a few people to hang out with, but don't let them take up too much of your time. You're at college, and you're going to need time to study and do work. Besides, friends are really just there so they can stab you in the back. Just the way things work, unfortunately. Don't get too attached.

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]I really only have one thing to say on this Darren, and that is... stop shooting things down until after you've given it a try. So what if you don't see someone you talk to on the elevator again. The point is to actively try to talk to others. If you do that, instead of thinking about how you feel others are doing, you'll get better at learning to talk to new people.

Think about it, realistically, you don't know if other people have lots of friends or not. Just cause you see people talking to one another, doesn't mean they are friends. For all you know, they've just met and are talking to one another in order to [I]make[/I] friends. I'm willing to bet that many of them are in the same boat you are.

I hear a lot of assumptions in what you think is going on when you don't really know. So give going to the cafeteria a try, you don't have to have someone with you for that. You've assumed that not having a roommate handicaps you when you could have had one that totally sucked. So that's not really a handicap if you think about it.

So my advice to you is... stop thinking something won't work, just do it. Make a point of talking to several people a day. Either on the elevator or in the classroom or at the cafeteria. Somewhere along the line you'll run into someone who is looking for a friend just like you are. [/COLOR]

[Darren]

[quote name='Indi'][COLOR="Indigo"]I really only have one thing to say on this Darren, and that is... stop shooting things down until after you've given it a try. So what if you don't see someone you talk to on the elevator again. The point is to actively try to talk to others. If you do that, instead of thinking about how you feel others are doing, you'll get better at learning to talk to new people.

Think about it, realistically, you don't know if other people have lots of friends or not. Just cause you see people talking to one another, doesn't mean they are friends. For all you know, they've just met and are talking to one another in order to [I]make[/I] friends. I'm willing to bet that many of them are in the same boat you are.

I hear a lot of assumptions in what you think is going on when you don't really know. So give going to the cafeteria a try, you don't have to have someone with you for that. You've assumed that not having a roommate handicaps you when you could have had one that totally sucked. So that's not really a handicap if you think about it.

So my advice to you is... stop thinking something won't work, just do it. Make a point of talking to several people a day. Either on the elevator or in the classroom or at the cafeteria. Somewhere along the line you'll run into someone who is looking for a friend just like you are. [/COLOR][/QUOTE]
[SIZE="1"]Ouch... Harsh, but I guess it's fair. And actually, the college gave me my original roommates e-mail so we could get in touch. He was pretty cool until I found out he decided to transfer... :animedepr
Oh well. I've been trying to start a conversation with loads of people, but I guess I just didn't notice before how painfully shy I am. (As I explained, I come from such a small town, that everyone knows each other, even if they've never had a conversation) But, I actually think that I've turned several people off from friendship just because, when I'm shy, I'm very blunt. (And that probably comes off as rude) My suite-mates (The people in the room next to mine who I share a bathroom with) don't even talk to me anymore... And I keep thinking that I'm running out of time.
Pathetic. :animeswea[/SIZE]

[Roxie Faye]

[color=#9933ff]I can totally sympathize with how you feel. For the first week of school or so, I had an awful time, and I felt like I had no friends, but then things started to pick up.

Have you joined any clubs yet? You can meet a lot of new people through clubs. Also, wait until classes start - that's one of the best ways to meet people. After the first couple days of classes, ask people if they want to get together and study with you in the library or whatever. (Don't expect to get any studying done - that's just a really good tool to have an excuse to hang out.)

If all else fails, seek out the international kids! Not only are they completely alone, like you, English isn't their first language, so they may feel even more isolated. And I swear, the international kids will be some of the coolest people on campus.[/color]

[XeEmO]

Clubs seem to be the best bet for meeting a lot of people. I'd much rather hang around a bunch of geeks and play magic cards or something than sulk in my dorm room with an annoying roommate and hack into the schools highly insecure computer system. Cuz that's basically what happened when I was living in my dorm. (it had it's moments though)

Quite frankly I'd avoid frats too, or anywhere there's a lot of drinking going on. That tends to get in the way of studying. If you get behind in your classes it sucks, so make sure to put your school work in front of your social life. Not that I'm telling you what to do, but it might save you a lot of trouble in the long run.

Most importantly, just have fun. Play some pranks perhaps. Start your own club. Have a Mario Kart tournament.

and good luck :D

[eleanor]

[font=trebuchet ms] Just remember that clubs are the way to go. I already have a good idea of what organizations I'll be signing up for and trying out- and any sort of small, specialized club (i.e. anime club, etc.) would probably let students bond very easily. Don't give up! [/font]

[Claire]

[FONT="Arial"]I'm so bad at making friends that it's a wonder I have any.

When I entered the ninth grade, my mom made me go to the school she taught at instead of the school every single one of my friends were going to. There weren't even any people I had known in middle school, except for a few people I seriously did not like. I tried to start conversations with people, but no one would talk to me, and they ended before they really began. I really tried to fit in with people in my drama and creative writing classes, but I just couldn't do it.

By the end of that year I had found two people I actually wanted to be around, plus a few others I could talk to if I needed to, but I was never honestly happy. One was a grade above me, so when I returned to that school the next year I didn't see her. The other had gone to a new school. Where I might have been content with my situation before, I got really depressed really fast.

My parents finally let me switch schools and now I'm going to graduate with all my friends from middle school this year. I managed to make very close new friends the rest of my tenth grade year, but I don't really know how it happened. I feel like maybe some people I'm just meant to be friends with, and once I find them it will work out.
[/FONT]

[visualkei]

I sympathize with you as well. It is very difficult for me to make friends, and like someone mentioned, it just kind of naturally happens. And when someone offers you their friendship, sometimes you don't pick up on it and miss the opportunity.

Like the others I'd suggest you join some organizations. Just to keep yourself busy. Really. It's better to not be bored, and along the way perhaps you'll find a few buddies. But depending and lamenting over one roomate isn't going to help. Heck, when I was starting college the last thing I wanted was a roomate! I figured I'd be more annoyed with my roomate than satisfied.

And like you, I also come off as blunt because of being honest. Try to offset that with being polite and showing people that you are considerate.

If you find yourself good or bad at a certain subject, send a mass email to the people on the class email list and set up a study group.

Invite people from your hometown to come visit you.

Your school might offer some mentorship program that you can sign up to be mentored. Then the next year you might want reverse and be the mentor instead.

Volunteer.

Turn to the internet. Start your own specific meetup group at [url]www.meetup.com[/url] or put yourself on [url]www.facebook.com[/url] or something similiar that'll help you reach out to people or people will come look for you.

I'm listing all the things I should've done when I was in college. lol.

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"][QUOTE=Darren][SIZE="1"]I keep thinking that I'm running out of time.
Pathetic. [/SIZE][/QUOTE]I don't think it's pathetic, but I do kind of agree with [COLOR="Indigo"]Indi[/COLOR]. Don't be so quick to assume that you're going to fail. I think the fact that you're asking us here means you really want it to work. It takes time to make friends, especially at college since there are so many people there. Well where I go there is, I don't know how big the school you're going to is. ^^

Still it sounds to me like you've got it mind that you have to have friends before classes start and that's just not true. If someone is shy like you, it's going to take them time to warm up to you as well. Sometimes it's after class starts and you look into forming study groups for that class that you meet people.

I'm not painfully shy and it was easier for me since the University I'm attending is also in the city I grew up in. But I still made lots of new friends by signing up for and being a part of study groups. Even if I didn't need to really study, I still went just to get to know others.

You can also find a club to join. Look and see what type of activities your school offers. But most important, don't quit trying! :catgirl:[/FONT]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]To add to that, I want you to know that it took me a long time to make friends at college as well. I spent almost a year only knowing those people I had known from high school, and I barely saw them, so I ended up spending a lot of time alone. I've got some good guys to hang out with now at the beginning of my third year, but my circle is still relatively small since I can't stand large social functions; there's just too many people.

So stop thinking that there's some arbitrary cut-off date for making friends. Two days, two weeks, two months, two years; doesn't matter. You've got four years to meet people.

Four years.

That's a lot of time to run out of.[/FONT]

[Rachmaninoff]

The others have already given you some good advice so I'll just touch on one point, the same one that Allamorph just covered. [I]Give it time[/I]. There is no set time frame for when you have to have made friends. If you keep trying to get out of the comfort zone of being shy, over time you'll get better at it and actually find new friends.

Okay I'll touch on another one... Look for ways to get involved and don't worry if you don't make friends instantly. What will happen is later on, you'll suddenly realize that you've made friends. But only if you don't use being shy as an excuse, or that you have no one to go with you into the cafeteria.

That's what does someone in more than anything, not trying because you're shy or because you don't know anyone yet. Every time you tell yourself I'm shy or I can't do this... make a point of DOING it.

[Magus]

I'm sort of in the same predicament. Making my big move from Detroit to Phoenix. (Wednesday!) And I'm fairly quiet around new people, but then again I choose to be. Sometimes it's because I can be shy, but majority of the times it takes a little bit for me to open up to people I just met.

And moving to a new state that I know nothing about outside of word of mouth was giving me the jitterbugs a little. (Now it's just the frickin airplane that's gettin at me.)But I felt better when my advisor (as well as the housing department) said that everyone is practically in the same situation. (I think someone here said it as well.) A lot of people coming from all over the states and whatnot. But then again I'm also going into a field where teamwork is involved so I have no choice :)

I agree with everyone else though. Give it some time, and who knows, people may come to you instead you having to go to them.

[Rachmaninoff]

So... now that school has been going for a little bit, how about an update on how you are doing Darren? =P