Writing Terra Firma

[Mr. Blonde]

...............................

[Drizzt Do'urden]

I hate that noone responds to posts in the anthologies. Even those whose critiques are less than appreciated are better than silence. You just never know if anyone is reading, or people are just checking your post out and skimming through.

For some reason I've never really been drawn to reading sci-fi. Though maybe the realistic aspect of this is what caught my eye. I hope you continue on, make sure you take advantage of the double posting rule here, since a certain OB member and MOD pressed the issue and won the freedom. (Sort've like an anthologies affirmative action).

[Mr. Blonde]

It's appreciated, Drizzt. I think the most fasinating Sci-Fi has always been that which could be Science Fact. That to me is scarier then any horror movie.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Drizzt Do'urden']I hate that noone responds to posts in the anthologies. Even those whose critiques are less than appreciated are better than silence. You just never know if anyone is reading, or people are just checking your post out and skimming through.[/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Yeah, I'd be more active, but I've got a few classes that require lots of outside time, and my Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are shot as far as reviewing anything goes.

I'll give your thing a run-through later, Kataki, but for now I want to ask you this: what does your prologue actually do, and do you need it to be a prologue? Judging by the sheer length, it seems that the information contained in it could be revealed as the narrative progresses, instead of throwing everything down all at once. Informing your reader as you go is also a great way to maintain their interest, provided you don't get so bogged down in background-explaining that you lose the plot.

Back later. Hopefully by Monday.[/FONT]

[Mr. Blonde]

[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]

I'll give your thing a run-through later, Kataki, but for now I want to ask you this: what does your prologue actually do, and do you need it to be a prologue? Judging by the sheer length, it seems that the information contained in it could be revealed as the narrative progresses, instead of throwing everything down all at once. Informing your reader as you go is also a great way to maintain their interest, provided you don't get so bogged down in background-explaining that you lose the plot.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

Its actually not that long for a prologue. I've seen much longer. And I'm going to be going into greater detail on everything throughout the story so the reader needed to have a basic understanding of things before the story begins. I hate when writers over explain in their stories. It always seems so fake that one character would go into that much detail with another so I thought I'd handle it through a prologue narration. However this is far from the last draft, so I'm sure many things will change. Even if I obsolve the prologue into the story I needed to write this to give myself a better understanding of the world I'm creating. So if I post more up here the prologue will most certaintly change. After all as any writer knows nothing is done til' its done, and even then... it's not done.

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]It might not be as long as some prologues, but it's definitely longer than other prologues. Also, being a bit of a snob like Allamorph, I'll say that the blatant plot exposition could in fact be revealed later on through various events.

I can safely say that if I were a slightly less technical and irritated human being, I'd honestly be bored by the introduction because it feels like a mix between War Of The Worlds and The Handmaiden's Tale. Unless there is no evil government overlord pulling the strings this story falls dangerously close to exploiting various cliches that are common in science fiction and are often unavoidable.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Mr. Blonde]

[quote name='Raiha'][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"] Unless there is no evil government overlord pulling the strings this story falls dangerously close to exploiting various cliches that are common in science fiction and are often unavoidable.[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

I exploit no cliches. But if I were to reveal anything that would be revealing the plot of the story, and I don't do that.

I will most likely not be adding to this for the foreseeable future. I've recently began work on a screenplay and I have to finish that before I do something of this nature. I do believe however I will try and divide this story into three books. One book describing "The Last Winter", 2nd, the underground survival after most humans have left for Mars, and the third is yet to be decided. That will help break up this massive storyline and extensive timeline in which I have laid out before myself. I've been planning something of that nature since I wrote that prologue and I think that might be the only way to delve into the heart of the story with the detail that I desire.

[Allamorph]

[font=Calibri]About my comments concerning the need for a prologue at all:

[quote name='Katakidoushi']Its actually not that long for a prologue. I've seen much longer.[/quote]
It actually [i]is[/i] that long for a prologue. :p

What I meant by my comment was not that yours was long for a prologue, but that yours was a long prologue. And I�d be curious about what longer ones you�ve seen. If you could point me to a few published examples, I�d love to give them a look.

[QUOTE][i] And I'm going to be going into greater detail on everything throughout the story so the reader needed to have a basic understanding of things before the story begins. I hate when writers over explain in their stories. It always seems so fake that one character would go into that much detail with another so I thought I'd handle it through a prologue narration.[/i][/QUOTE]
I�d like to point you in two directions here. First, my old standby Tolkien: really, he gave the reader a basic understanding of [i]nothing[/i] before he started in on his trilogy, and told the reader what they needed to know as they needed to know it. You can consider [i][u]The Hobbit[/u][/i] a prologue of sorts�but then again, he made it into its own free-standing story, and the trilogy can be enjoyed just as thoroughly without reading [i][u]The Hobbit[/u][/i], just as [i][u]The Hobbit[/u][/i] can be just as thoroughly enjoyed without reading any of the other Middle Earth works. In fact, I�d personally recommend anyone to start with [i][u]The Hobbit[/u][/i] simply because the style is less thick and easier to stay with, regardless of its prologue relationship to the main body.

Also, you can consider [i][u]The Silmarillion[/u][/i] a huge prologue, giving the interested any information they might want in order to fully understand what Tolkien had created. But none of this is necessary to the trilogy itself. So from there I might be inclined to view the information in your prologue as nice to [i]know[/i], but not necessary to the actual story for me the reader to enjoy it.

Second, I want to point you at Anne McCaffrey, specifically her [i]Dragonriders of Pern[/i] series. She also started with a trilogy format, though hers was a dual-trilogy where each book in one supplemented the corresponding book in the other. McCaffrey�s [i]Pern[/i] series is colonial-sci-fi based, but she doesn�t tell the reader that right off the bat. There�s no words about the original crew of people who came to the world for about ten books or so, and then when she reveals that information she goes and couches the entire thing in [i]another[/i] book ([i][u]Dragonsdawn[/u][/i]). McCaffrey most certainly could have given a quick run-through at the beginning of her companion trilogies, but that would have destroyed a good part of the fantastical aspect of her setting, and the reader would have been viewing the characters in the wrong light for the entire series. And even in her prologue, there were references to interplanetary wars and the sudden need for colonization, but McCaffrey chose not to go into detail about the specific events leading up to even that.

Both of these series had [i]massive[/i] amounts of pre-narrative information that would allow the reader to more fully appreciate the story if they had known it beforehand. However, both authors seemed to understand that the reader does not need to know everything about their story�s history in order to fully appreciate it. My concern, then, is that you are attempting to shovel [i]so much[/i] information into your audience that you will completely lose their interest by the halfway point.

The �dying planet spurs colonisation� concept is not clich�, but also not an astoundingly new concept that needs to be spelled out in detail. You can allude to and reveal information as you proceed, but I think a great deal of specifics are unnecessary to the actual enjoyment of the story. And you certainly don�t need to rely on characters talking to each other to allude or reveal, either. If both characters already know what the reader does not, then you can have one character or the other sort of review the information in his head in condensed form, or have the narrator provide a few bits of information. Explanation of the progression from the first Mars mission to the Mars outposts to the terra-forming to the colonization platform doesn�t have to be spelled out. The outpost/terra-forming/springboard points are the essential pieces, and you can cover those fairly quickly without having to give dates or mention the elapsed time or general mission count. That can be generally inferred by the reader.

[QUOTE][i] Even if I obsolve the prologue into the story I needed to write this to give myself a better understanding of the world I'm creating.[/i][/QUOTE]
Absolve. :p

And yes, I agree. I have at least twenty pages of handwritten notes for my universe, six or seven scene-concept sketches (one of which is a full twenty-five pages and is . . . kind of bleah, really), and a four-page file on my hard drive that outlines the general plot progression of my first intended book. You as the author need the reference material, because keeping [i]everything[/i] in your head is ridiculous. :animesmil

So yeah, you probably need to get this stuff down on paper for your head�s sake. But I am not sure that the reader needs to be inundated with that much back-information before the story actually starts.

Incidentally, here�s something you might find useful: [url="http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/prologue.html"][color=Blue]Prologue Tips[/color][/url]. And remember, I�m not against prologues in sense. Half of writing is knowing what to trim out, and this one has me wanting to put away my li�l red pen and bull out my big ole� black scissors. :p

Now that that�s out of the way, I�ll be glad to look at this as if it were not a sheet of author-notes, but a narrative. (While Pandora plays �Long Time�. Thank you, Boston. Oh, and now the live version of �Rock You Like A Hurricane�. =3)[/size][/font]

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Customary warning: this might sound a little harsh at times. There is no ill will intended, merely honesty.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]In the early 21st century the first manned flight to Mars was launched with the collaborative effort of Earth�s world powers. With a multi-national team of astronauts at its helm the Aries VII mission touched down on the Red Planet on the 9th of July 2029. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Since you mentioned the general era in which the flight was launched, I don�t believe the exact date is necessary. Given that you�re speeding through the later centuries like it was collegiate History 101, my feeling is strengthened. General years, decades, and such are probably fine, but exact days feel like distractions.

Also, given the �collaborative� and �multinational� parts to these, I think you could effectively combine them into one sentence and trim out anything that seems to feel out of place.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]...Martian outposts became spring[b][color=Red]-[/color][/b]boards....[/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Hyphen that word.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]...astronauts began living on Mars for years at a time; [u][b]vastly expanding[/b][/u] our knowledge of the alien world. Martian outposts became spring boards for [b][color=Red]our[/color][/b] missions to planets outside of [b][color=Red]our[/color][/b] solar system, [b][u]further expanding[/u] [color=Red]our[/color][/b] search for complex life. The space missions united the free world under a common good. Man was proud of conquering yet another world and [u][b]for a time[/b][/u] the worries that plagued [b][color=Red]our[/color][/b] planet seemed to fade, [u][b]if only for a time[/b][/u].... [/font][/i][/QUOTE]


Since this is a recount of history, don�t use the second person. In fact, make this whole thing distanced. E.g.: �...missions to planets outside of the solar system....�, �the search for complex life�, �the planet�, and the same through the rest of the narrative. You�re giving facts, not a speech.

The other highlighted items are redundant. In the �expanding� case, just find another way to say one of them. In the �for a time� case, one or the other, but not both. I recommend trimming the last one.

Also, that semicolon should be a comma.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]By the late 22nd century Earth�s population [b][color=Red]spiked[/color][/b] to over 10 billion. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Had spiked. Population growth is a continual process, so you need to use the perfect form there. (And no, I don�t sit and think to myself �I should really use past perfect there� while I�m writing. That�d be anal beyond belief. It�s just a familiarity thing; I know �had� needs to go there so it doesn�t seem like the Earth gained eight billion people in a month.)

For the next sentence, I think a restructure is in order. Bring global pollution and �the maching of industry� (which feels a little trite, honestly, but not unworkable) at the beginning, using them both as the cause for the deterioration of the planet and such. Like so, perhaps:
[indent=1][i]�Global pollution and industry had caused severe damage to the planet, all but dissolving the ozone layer.�[/i][/indent]
And yes, do not capitalise �ozone�.

Actually, you might need to restructure the entire paragraph, come to think of it. Your facts kind of jump around. You can really use the oxygen output and the temperature rise together to show why humans retreated underground, and the mass extinctions should be used to explain the attempt to salvage what species remained. And �species�, not �breeds�.

The last bit of that paragraph feels a bit odd. Again, since this is history, avoid the personal �we�. There are better ways to phrase the section that don�t end up sounding like you�re behind a lectern pulling the crowd into you. Also, I�d replace the ellipsis with a colon to avoid the sense that your narrator just contracted Alzheimer�s, and ditch the quotes in favor of italics or even no emphasis at all.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]Algae were sodden over one-third of the Red Planet and began feeding off of the carbon dioxide in Mars� atmosphere. The algae quickly spread, pumping oxygen into the air. Eventually more complex plants were introduced to Mars and by the early 25th century the planet�s temperature had risen above sub-arctic levels. The Martian ice caps melted and for the first time in millions of years Mars had seas and lakes again. With the rise of the oxygen level; nitrogen and carbon dioxide levels plummeted, and in less than three hundred years Mars became habitable. The former Red Planet had become eerily familiar to a place we once knew. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Anyone who is a science-fiction reader will probably already be familiar with the terra-forming process. (I remember seeing a trilogy in my local library that followed the process in detail. I can�t remember the names of the books now, but I know that they went in sequence, from Red ______ to Green ______ to Blue ______.) So I�m not sure if you need to give this information. Just the note that it took time and was a success would be enough, I think. If you need the details for your own reference, keep this thing around and expand on it, but it�s really just taking up space as part of the narrative.

For example, you could expand �algae were sodden� to �hundreds of strains of algae were seeded� (sodden means soaked or saturated with liquid, and doesn�t involve planting at all, really), or elaborate on the order in which certain plants were introduced afterwards, as well as noting when the acclimation of animals took place, and touching on any genetic mutations/evolutions that occurred in the process. But that should really be for your own benefit, or perhaps an appendix should you want it available to your reader.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua][b][u]All the while[/u] [u]during the three hundred years of terra forming[/u][/b] the Earth slowly choked on its last breathes. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Your second phrase is designed to give the reader a sense of the elapsed time, but as written it just causes the flow to stutter. Pull it out and give it its own sentence. Something like [i]�The entire process took nearly three centuries�[/i] or so.

Also, �terraforming� (one word; you split it up previously, also), and �breaths� (no E).

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]People began flooding into the underground cities to escape the [b]ultra violet[/b] radiation and extreme temperatures. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
(ultraviolet)

Hadn�t they been doing this for centuries already? Or had the construction of these underground lairs [i]also[/i] taken three hundred years? Better to say that the flooding had been a non-stop process.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]Life underground was hard but Earthlings knew it was only temporary; Mars was waiting for them. However most would never realize this dream. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
These sentences are so generic and vague that you should probably just strike them completely. And I won�t remark on you switching from �we knew� to �Earthlings knew� any more than I just have, but know that I am slightly amused. :p

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]The [b]sub terrain[/b] cities were no more than bunkers connected by networks of tunnels, and though they were quite extensive they weren�t large enough to house even one quarter of Earth�s population. Billions deemed �unqualified� were shut out and left to die on the surface. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
(subterranean)

Hmm. So despite the unified resources of the world powers and three centuries worth of time, only a quarter of the total will live? I understand the desire to showcase the Lifeboat dilemma, but realistically I think that more could be accomplished. However, that�s a minor technical concern, and doesn�t really impact the story all that much. Don�t spend effort on altering unless you agree with me and you want to alter.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]On [b]December 21st 2359[/b] the last underground city was sealed and shut off from the world above. In the months following, during what is now referred to as �The Last Winter� billions of people succumbed to a, �deserved fate�. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
December 21, 2359. Also, remember what I said about specific dates? Is this landmark necessary for the reader?

Comma after �The Last Winter�. And what is the point of the last bit of that sentence? Is the propaganda necessary for the reader?

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]They say that even miles underground the screams could be heard. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Earth became a ghost planet. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Since this prologue is a historical recount, why did you add this bit in? Sounds more at home in a fireside ghost story than a textbook synopsis, which seems to be what you�re going for. Just makes me say �bleah�, really; and I know, because I�ve had a few �bleah� lines myself.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]But through all of this the Terra Firma Initiative was successful, and though it was too late to save all of those whom it promised, in 2431 the first civilian flights to Mars were launched. Over the next few years the free countries of Earth were re-established on Mars; each nation given their respective territory. At first flights to our new planet were non-stop, but after just a short time a new fear was stirred. After The Last Winter, Earth�s population had been cut down to just over 2 billion, but still this was deemed to be too many for a planet only two-thirds the size of Earth. Overpopulation poisoned our planet; it couldn�t be allowed to poison our new world. Flights to Mars were steadily cut back and soon applications for Mars�s citizenship were required, applicants having to meet a set of standard qualifications. Becoming a Mars citizen became a test of worth as a human being. It was hardly the salvation that was promised to the whole of the human race. To live on Mars, in the sunlight, was a privilege, not a right. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
Again, that semicolon�[i]�...re-established on Mars; each nation....�[/i]�needs to be a comma.

I know that since you structured this as a prologue, you�ve been attempting to balance the information with intrigue and tension, but given the sheer load of information you�re presenting, along with the mental inferences the reader is making, a lot of your mental/emotional draws come off as peculiar or distracting. Here again you returned to the �we��/�our� motif, and that feels out of place.

I think this particular paragraph could be condensed considerably; the vital bits are that the TFI was successful (which you mentioned two paragraphs back, so you might not need this either), civilian transports were initiated but scaled back and strictly regulated after concerns of overpopulation rose, and (which you didn�t mention, but follows logically) State control tightened significantly as a result, since the removal of a promise as big as Mars would cause massive unrest in the general populace and probably several attempts to overthrow governments.

[QUOTE][i][font=Book Antiqua]As the new world was populated Mars� governments began turning their attention away from dying Earth. Radio communication between Mars and Earth was shut down. One by one Earth�s satellites went offline, and at last the Martians turned a blind eye to their former home. On the [b][color=Red]1st[/color][/b] of January 2470 citizenship to Mars was closed, and Earth was left to its fate. The skeletons of Earth�s former governments were seized by a joint radical militant regime. Through paralyzing fear and abandoned hope the underground civilizations of Earth fell under martial law. The dismal cold of life deep underground could hardly be considered a life at all. Living was a thing of past, surviving was the way of this new Earth. [/font][/i][/QUOTE]
�First�. If you�re going to write the (unnecessary?) date that way, spell out the word. Also, comma after January, as well as 2470. And there the last sentence of the paragraph, use a semicolon instead of a comma.

Also, here is where you finally let your reader know that you [i]won�t[/i] be spending the rest of the story talking about Mars, but about Earth. With the time and material you put into Mars as a solution, escape, and hope, the reader has probably under the impression that something on [i]Mars[/i] will be the subject of the novella. Now that we [the readers] know otherwise, a good bit of use will be wondering what the devil was so important about Mars anyway.

Your final two paragraphs support this, but by now it is probably not enough. Your readers were all geared up for a story about life on the New World, and possibly the discovery of others, and now they have to redirect their attention back to Earth, which has so far shared its screentime with its red sister.

Other material that concerns me the inability to grow sustenance. Look into subterranean greenhouses; you might find some useful information about facilities you should include, which would probably end up under the new regime�s control. Also, the sterilisation interests me, especially how artificial insemination is possible without a supply of sperm [i]or[/i] inbreeding from the regime�s own members.

And then at the end we get told some questions we need to be asking ourselves. Why? (�dying�, by the way; not �dieing�) I know I�ve been formulating my own questions already as you�ve been narrating, and I had already wondered where the women and bred children had been taken to. Although I appreciate the attempt to lead the reader, don�t do it overtly.

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After finishing a full read-through, I am still under the impression that a great deal of this prologue is unnecessary. I agree that some understanding of the current situation [i]might[/i] be desirable, but I strongly suggest going back through this excerpt and deciding what the reader [i]needs[/i] to know about the subterranean caverns and humanity�s current sociological condition. I wouldn�t cut out Mars entirely, but the mention that it was terraformed, colonized, regulated, and finally separated from the mother planet is all you really need. Focus instead on Earth, so the reader is prepared for Earth as the setting.

Also, what have you read by Ray Bradbury? I highly recommend [i][u]The Martian Chronicles[/u][/i], which deals with a similar situation but from the other side. If you read it, pay attention to how he presents information to the reader, when he presents it, and how he plays on information the reader already knows to better illustrate new information. And notice the details you as the reader infer, but Bradbury never directly states.

And finally, watch your comma/semicolon use. You seem to have mixed them up every now and again. Commas are more for pauses and separation of necessary statements, whereas semicolons are like periods with less stopping power; basically, if you think you could start a new sentence but don�t really want to, think about a semicolon in place of the period and keep going. Semicolons are also useful when you�re writing a list but have commas scattered in among your individual items�which usually occurs when you want to describe the items in your list in more detail while still [i]in[/i] the list.

The concept for your story looks interesting enough. I look forward to what you do with it.

Final thoughts, from your response to [color=DarkRed]Raiha[/color]:
[QUOTE][i]I do believe however I will try and divide this story into three books. One book describing "The Last Winter", 2nd, the underground survival after most humans have left for Mars, and the third is yet to be decided.[/i][/QUOTE]
If you plan on setting one book during The Last Winter, then why did you blaze past it in the prologue? The same goes for the underground survival; if anything, it seems to me that your third 'unknown' book should begin where this prologue ends.

Your statement now lends even more credence to my belief that this is not so much a prologue as a note sheet. Nothing wrong with notesheets. Just don't try to put it in the main narrative if it is. :p Edited September 10, 2012 by Allamorph

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]ADDENDUM:

You've called it a novella. But now you're referring to it as a book. Or series of books. You may want to fix that novella bit, as we all know that a novella is typically 17k-40k words. Otherwise it's just misleading and you've suckered the reader into thinking he'll be reading something about as short as "Of Mice And Men."[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Mr. Blonde]

I think what I've typed in response here has been misconstrued. I obviously wouldn't use this prologue as an introduction if I was going to break the story into three books (by the way Raiha a novella is a book). This began as a prologue but after examination (as I've said) I've decided to break this up into three seperate stories. Where one might see unneccesary detail I see the various directions I'm going to take these stories.

And as you've mentioned Tolkien, Allamorph, his prologues are huge, so as I've said this former prologue is not excessively large. I agree with this not working as a prologue but as I've said many times I'm no longer looking at this as a prologue but as a guideline for the "to be" novellas. When you think of it in that nature the "humanity" element that you had a problem with Alamorph is crucial. There is obviously going to be horrifc events unfolding. Also I'm aware that unground cultivation is possible, but I have to throw a wrench in this whole life style they have underground. Lack of uv light and cold conditions will inhibit growth. We're basically looking at a lot of mushrooms and not much else. Also, Allamorph, I appreciate your input, and while you may be a good technical writer, a little flare is in order sometimes. The "machine of industry" definitely stays. I have a friend I write with, and you seem just like him. He's always trying to "clean up" my writing.

As writers I'm sure you can all understand how ideas change and the decision to expand or consolidate happens in a moment. Where I once saw a smaller story I now see room for a universe of multiple tales. Allamorph, you seem to have your shit together, if you have any ideas regarding this story let me know and I will clue you in on what I plan on doing with this idea in more detail.

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Yes, a novella is a book. You've said books. Plural. More than one. Several.

So unless you mean three stories intertwined in one book, you'll have to clarify. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Mr. Blonde]

Perhaps I wasn't clear but I meant three books.