Writing The Otaku Prose Contest Round 1.3 (Anomaly VS. Lrb)

[Mykul]

[CENTER][SIZE="1"]Hello, and welcome to the [/SIZE]

[SIZE="4"][FONT="Arial Black"][B]GREAT OTAKU PROSE CONTEST[/B][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE="3"][FONT="Arial Black"]Round 1.3[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"]Our first contestant has defeated Chibi-Master to be here today. She also crafted a masterful piece that no doubt would have flattened Mr. Maul, who fled from the challenge of competition.I present to you the artful, the applaudable, the amazing
[SIZE="4"][FONT="Century Gothic"][B]ANOMALY[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/SIZE][/CENTER]

[SIZE="1"][CENTER]The second contestant topped Sabrina by a single vote in his last match. He brings confidence and heart into this round, declaring to Anomaly, "you goin down dolskeez!" Obviously I speak of the lion-hearted, the lordly, the legendary[/CENTER][/SIZE]
[SIZE="4"][FONT="Impact"][B][CENTER]L r b[/CENTER][/B][/FONT][/SIZE]


[CENTER][SIZE="1"]Voting is open to all Otaku members except Lrb and Anomaly. Voters, please state your vote clearly. Also, please provide information that shows why you voted the way you did. [COLOR="Red"]The deadline for voting is Tuesday,March 3.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]

[FONT="Courier New"][SIZE="4"][U][B]The Challenge: Hush little baby, don't say a word[/B][/U][/SIZE][/FONT]
Contestants: write a short story between [SIZE="3"]200[/SIZE] and [SIZE="3"]600[/SIZE] words. You may write on any topic you wish, but you may not use any dialogue. This prohibits you from using both spoken dialogue and unspoken monologue (thoughts).

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="Red"]All submissions should be in by Tuesday, February 24.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Ellerby]

[FONT="Tahoma"][INDENT][FONT="Times New Roman"][size=4]"Maybe Make Believe"[/size][/FONT]

[COLOR="DimGray"][B][SIZE="2"]Erin Macdonald[/SIZE][/B], an adventurous young boy with very little imagination, stood at the entrance of an extremely large and intimidating abandoned house. The front door slammed behind him and the cruel snickering of his friends outside followed.

Erin gulped and took a deep breath. All he had to do was find the back door where his friends would be waiting for him and get out. Then all their Warrior Knight toys would be his for the keeping.

He turned on the miniature flashlight duct taped to his super soaker and pumped twice. If anything unexpected should happen, he was ready. Though he really didn't think anything [I]would[/I] happen. Erin didn't for one second believe in the old folk tale of the Kid-Cat Turner who supposedly ate naughty children and turned them into cats forever trapping them in his house for all nine of their lives. His parents had taught him better than to believe in silly ghost stories and just warned him not to go near the house as it was old and could fall apart over top of him at any moment.

Finding the back door was a breeze. A few of the rooms he ventured through were dark and creepy looking, and he may have accidentally soaked a spider or two, but it wasn't anything Erin couldn't handle.

There certainly were a lot of cats though, so he could see where the legend got its start from. However they didn't bother him so he didn't bother them.

He stepped up to the back door and began to turn the doorknob. He turned it all the way around and pushed against it but the door didn't open. It wasn't locked so he put all his strength into his next effort but it still didn't budge an inch.

A loud chorus of laughter echoed from outside and Erin clenched his teeth in frustration. He knew his friends would try something dumb like this. As he turned back towards the main hall his heart skipped a beat when he heard a loud bang directly beneath him. Shortly following it was the angry hissing of a few cats so he just sighed, ignored it and continued his trek back to the front door.

As Erin stepped outside onto the front porch, he heard the high pitched mewing of every single feline in the house. They were so loud and irritating that he had to cover his ears and run off the property. Not seeing his friends anywhere, Erin assumed they'd fled home to hide their Warrior Knights so he walked home thinking up a plan to get his rightfully earned toys from them.

The next day at school neither of his friends showed up for class. When he got home, his parents worriedly asked him when he had last seen them and what had happened the night before but he failed to produce any plausible explanation for them so they just told him to go and play in his room for a bit.

Sitting on his bed, Erin began to think about what [i]had[/i] happened. The crazy cats, the loud crash from the basement and his missing friends all seemed to support the Kid-Cat Turner legend but he quickly disregarded it. He was sure they'd show up at school tomorrow telling him it was all a big prank. Erin knew better than to believe in silly ghost stories.[/INDENT][/COLOR][/FONT]

[OMNOMNOMALY]

[FONT="Garamond"][I]Uhm... This is definitely untitled, but it is done =)[/I]


Kirk exploded out of the school doors. He had slid out of his classroom and bolted straight for the exit the second he spotted the man?s face. It was unforgettable; it?s rough lines, craggy like the surface of a boulder. A face riddled by the years rather than complimented by them. Kirk had also seen the man recognize his own face despite the great distance between them, from the second floor window to the sidewalk across the street. The flash of recognition was unmistakable. Petrified for a second, he was reminded of the urgency of the situation the moment the man began walking towards the school ? towards Kirk.

He had mumbled a halfhearted excuse in the direction of his teacher as he ran out, not bothering to wait for a response. There was no time to think, there was only instinct. On the street, faces and landmarks all blurred into one as Kirk ran, routinely checking behind him.

The area around the school was crowded for a few blocks so Kirk didn?t notice he was being followed until the crowd became sparser. Though it wasn?t the older man, it was another face he recognized. This man was younger though his face was similarly hardened. As people became fewer and farther between, the man sped up, less obligated to be subtle. The gap between them closed quickly. Kirk's body quickly went into panic mode and, ignoring his screaming muscles, he darted down an alley. His arms and legs pumped wildly and the only sound he could hear now was the loud thump of his heart. It felt like it was pressing right against his eardrums. His brain and his lungs called out for air but Kirk could not oblige. The alley became more narrow and in a brief second of panic his brain involuntarily flashed back to memories of the sterile smell of the institution, the cold white walls and floors and the inhuman description they had given Kirk?s parents to explain what he was.

Kirk shook his head fiercely, willing the memories away. He glanced behind him and instantly the fear took hold of him once again, pushing all real thought away. The younger man was close and not too far behind him, was the older man. Kirk tore around the corner out of the alley and onto another busy street. He welcomed the bustling market area as he dodged and snaked his way through. As he came to the edge, he saw it ? the fire escape ladder that had been left down. He nearly jumped all the way to the top, the adrenaline pushing out the feeling of needles piercing him everywhere. As he pulled his body up, he saw the two men in the middle of the crowd, looking for him. As they spotted him, he pulled the ladder up and started running again, willing himself to keep going. 5th set of stairs, 6th set of stairs, they seemed endless to Kirk.

On the roof, he allowed himself another glance back. The two men had managed to jump and pull down the ladder at the bottom and were now making their way up. Kirk ran to the rooftop access door, only to find that it was locked. Cursing his luck, he surveyed the immediate area. In a split second decision, he jumped across to another building and ducked behind the transformer.

Kirk leaned back against it, panting. He didn?t believe that the day could possibly get any worse.

He couldn?t have been more wrong.

[/FONT]

[Drizzt Do'urden]

Both of you did VERY well, as we've all come to expect from you. I had to read both pieces twice in order to make a decision and I've made it.

Though you both have written good pieces, the one that stuck out, by a small margine mind you, was Lrb.

So therefore, obviously, I'm going to have to cast my vote for [B]Lrb[/B].

[Nathan]

[FONT="Arial"]Both stories were interesting to read and that makes choosing only one rather difficult. I'm not really good at explaining why one stood out more but I'll try.

I enjoyed Lrb's but it felt a little too predictable. I knew what was going to happen pretty much immediately. I could say the same about Anomaly's as well, however, the manner in which it would was a little less clear. Not by much, but it's that tiny bit that makes it memorable. So...

In the end, the one that stood out the most was Anomaly's entry. So therefore I will be giving my vote to [B]Anomaly[/B] for this round.[/FONT]

[Mykul]

Well, we have the submissions up, now all we need are some more votes!

[Shy]

[size=1][b]Anomaly[/b] has my vote! I'm really bad with constructive criticism, but I will say that Anomaly's did a better job at drawing me into the store. It seemed to be more nuanced and less cliche than Lrb's.

-Shy[/size]

[Rachmaninoff]

I kind of suck at good criticism for stuff like this so I'm forced to rely solely on what stands out the most. For your entry Lrb I liked the childhood fairy tale possibly turned real twist. It was predictable but I still enjoyed reading it.

For your entry Anomaly, I really liked the sense of outright panic that was prevalent in the entire story. The ending where things were left to your imagination as to what would happen next is what stood out the most. o_O I don't wanna know, seriously.

So for that bit that stood out the most, I give my vote to[B] Anomaly[/B]. Excellent work, both of you. I enjoyed reading what you wrote.

[chibi-master]

I liked them both, of course, but my vote goes to [B]Lrb[/B]. Something just sprang out at me in his story... It's hard to explain, but I liked it a lot!:catgirl:

[Allamorph]

[font=Arial]Critique to follow, in order of posting. Voting below.[/font]

[center][hr][/center]

Hmm. I like the approach. Nice schoolboy-dare segment taken by someone a tad too objective to enjoy the situation, with a touch of supernatural at the end. Good conceptualisation and sense of timing with information.

Few format oddities. Basically all they amount to, though, is just knowing how to feel the flow of a sentence and how to separate how you hear it with how you know it's supposed to sound.

Second paragraph:

[QUOTE][i]All he had to do was find the back door where his friends would be waiting for him and get out.[/i][/QUOTE]

This reads that Erin had to find a back door, and that his friends would be waiting there and get out. I feel you presented the information in the right order, but order of importance should outweigh order of presentation; the important bits in that statement are Erin's goals, and anything that interrupts them should be marked as such.

[indent=1][i]All he had to do was find the back door, where his friends would be waiting for him, and get out.[/i][/indent]

Like so. This way the reader knows that Erin is trying to trek through the house and get out again, and doesn't have to bother deducing that you meant them to know that.

On a related note, perhaps you should have mentioned that Erin was trying to make his way [i]through[/i] the house? For a second I wasn't sure whether he was inside or outside the house; merely standing in an entrance and having something slam shut behind you does not mean you are either in the foyer looking in or on the front porch looking out. Got to specify.

[QUOTE][i]Though he really didn't think anything [u]would[/u] happen.[/i][/QUOTE]

Style note: stress the "think" instead of the "would"? I know what you were going for, and I say stuff that way myself sometimes. I just wonder which sounds better to the ear.

[QUOTE][i]His parents had taught him better than to believe in silly ghost stories and just warned him not to go near the house as it was old and could fall apart over top of him at any moment.[/i][/QUOTE]
First: break yourself of using the "...[b]as[/b] it was..." phrase right now. :p It's just too hokey�kinda like those ten-dollar words students drop haphazardly into every odd paper or so to show they have a vocabulary or something. "Since" or "because" (or "for", if you want am archaic feel to a particular piece) are much more common and easier to insert, and they feel less like fluff/filler and more like an actual explanation.

Second: this is a run-on in disguise. Offending phrase is "and warned". Tense is wrong (had [just] warned], and once you put it right, you realise you actually need a comma before the 'and' there.

[indent=1][i]His parents had taught him better than to believe in silly ghost stories, and had just warned him not to go near the house, since it was old and could fall apart over top of him at any moment.[/i][/indent]

If you use "since", comma before it. If you use "because", no comma. And no, I'm not sitting here dissecting your sentences and identifying each and every individual part. :p I can just feel how things are supposed to flow, and communication requires that I translate back into grammatical terms.

Anyway.

[QUOTE][i]However they didn't bother him so he didn't bother them. [/i][/QUOTE]

Comma after "however". It's like using "regardless" or "despite their noise". Also, consider one before "so" as well.

[QUOTE][i]He stepped up to the back door and began to turn the doorknob. He turned it all the way around and pushed against it but the door didn't open. It wasn't locked so he put all his strength into his next effort but it still didn't budge an inch.[/i][/QUOTE]

This section just feels elementary. "He began to turn the doorknob. He turned it all the way around." "But the door didn't open. But it still didn't budge an inch." Avoid redundancy.

[QUOTE][i]He knew his friends would try something dumb like this. As he turned back towards the main hall his heart skipped a beat when he heard a loud bang directly beneath him. Shortly following it was the angry hissing of a few cats so he just sighed, ignored it and continued his trek back to the front door.[/i][/QUOTE]
This section is also odd. First, "had known" instead of "knew". Second, you've got actions taking place in the second sentence at the same time at two different times. "As he turned" and "when he heard" should be almost simultaneous, but you've got them separated by the emotional response.

Fixing it demands a rearrangement of bits in the correct order. Should be *Erin turns to go back, *he hears a loud noise, *his heart jumps. Yes, this [i]does[/i] change the important part of the sentence from his heart jumping to the noise, but because you have the "As he turned" there, you've set up simultaneous action and thus you [i]have[/i] to make sure what caused the jump comes before the jump. Either that, or relegate the loud noise to a following sentence and write it as if he jumped at the noise before he realised what it was.

[QUOTE][i]When he got home, his parents worriedly asked him when he had last seen them and what had happened the night before but he failed to produce any plausible explanation for them so they just told him to go and play in his room for a bit.[/i][/QUOTE]

Another run-on. Play with it.

What these bits boil down to, again, is a need to feel the flow of the story. You can't write like you're trying to pack as much information into a sentence as possible. It makes the story feel rushed and breathless. And judging from the attitude of the main character, that feel does not fit [i]his[/i] feel. He's calm (well, more than most for his age) and rational, not panicky or reactionary.

Speaking of Erin, though, check that your description of environment lines up with his perceptions. You're telling the story through his eyes, even though you're not using his thoughts, and this means that if you describe a place as unsettling, Erin sees it as unsettling.

I say this because at the beginning you described the house as intimidating, and yet I don't sense Erin sees it as at all intimidating. He obviously has no trouble navigating the house, since he doesn't bother either to look at it or to hurry through it�or at least you didn't indicate either.

Along those lines, I don't think you played the part where Erin's friends might have been turned into cats well enough. From the way I felt the piece progressing, you were focusing more on Erin being unaffected by ghost tales or atmosphere, and then all of a sudden there's a loud noise and cat's hissing and what. I thought maybe a board broke under the house or something. Needed more foreboding for the concept to carry before we get to the end with Erin contemplating "what the evidence points to". We should get the clear impression something happened�and this should be done while staying behind Erin's eyes, no less, which means you'll have to work to find a way to pull it off.

However, your story was concise and contained, with a definite resolution, and that was good. Good job.

[center][hr]75[/hr][/center]

Little bit of a tense mini-scene here. Action was good, playing from the character's perspective and noticing what he noticed if he noticed it was good. Bit short, and no real definite conclusion, but I think that was the intent.

Couple of glitches. First was a pacing issue.

[QUOTE][i]Kirk exploded out of the school doors. He had slid out of his classroom and bolted straight for the exit the second he spotted the man�s face. It was unforgettable; it�s rough lines, craggy like the surface of a boulder. A face riddled by the years rather than complimented by them. Kirk had also seen the man recognize his own face despite the great distance between them, from the second floor window to the sidewalk across the street. The flash of recognition was unmistakable. Petrified for a second, he was reminded of the urgency of the situation the moment the man began walking towards the school � towards Kirk.[/i][/QUOTE]
First, I think you could justify placing that first sentence all by itself, and adding a bit more to it to give the reader a sense of the urgency Kirk feels. [i]"Kirk exploded out of the school doors, _________________ ."[/i] Something like that.

Then, prioritise which information happens, so you don't feel like you're backtracking and making sure the reader knows bits in reverse. You said Kirk slid out of his seat the [i]second[/i] he saw the old man's face, but you also said he was [i]petrified[/i] for the same second. Make that agree and you'll be find.

Second was the description. Feels clunky, and you also fell into the it's/its trap. Possessive "it" has no apostrophe; think "it is". In fact, it'd be good practice to mentally break up all your contractions as you're writing them so you can sense when they fit and when they don't.

Anyway. I can't really tell you what I think is wrong with the section, but I can show you how I feel it wants to be written.

[indent=1][i]It was unforgettable. Its rough lines, craggy like the surface of a boulder; its _______, ________; its ________, _________. A face riddled [b]with[/b] years rather than complimented by them.[/i][/indent]

The feel you wanted for the initial description was great, but I feel it's usually better-feeling when done in threes. Either that, or say [i]"...unforgettable [b]with[/b] its rough lines...,"[/i] and then add the last bit on with a semicolon. Also, "riddled with years" was the first thing that occurred to me, but "ravaged by the years" works possibly better, I think. This whole section is a style call anyway; do with it how you see fit. Just do [u]something[/u] with it. :p

[QUOTE][i]The area around the school was crowded for a few blocks so Kirk didn�t [immediately?] notice he was being followed [s]until the crowd became sparser[/s].[/i][/QUOTE]
You already have that information present later, and the pacing there is better, so don't use it here.

[QUOTE][i]As he came to the edge, he saw it � the fire escape ladder that had been left down.[/i][/QUOTE]
It.

It.

Oh [i]come[/i] on! :p Surely you can feel how contrived that feels. "And then he saw it! That blinding light that had haunted him since childhood!" Or something. Blargh. Hokey! Augh.

But seriously. That fire escape must be almost holy, like Jesus Christ descending from heaven to help poor Kirk to the roof. This sentence here is a perfect example of over-impact. You just made [i]too much[/i] of it, ya know? I felt so let down when [color=Red][b]IT[/b][/color] turned out to be just a fire escape. :p Oi.

Other than that, really nice Bourne-esque chase scene. I noticed the reference to the laboratory, so I'm certain this section has more to it. Cliffhanger for space constraints, I'm assuming? Thresh it out and toss it up somewhere.

[center][hr]75[/hr][/center]

This is a really tough call, but less because of skill and more because I'm not quite sure who deserves it. For skill of execution, I prefer [color=DarkRed]Anomaly[/color], but for actually hitting the guidelines and submitting a concise story, [color=DarkRed]Lrb[/color] clearly has the upper hand.

And I'm no Harvey Dent.

Fortunately.

Shaddup.

Oh bugger. If only because "the Kid-Cat Turner" was the most unimaginative Bogeyman name ever, I vote [b]Anomaly[/b]. Edited September 10, 2012 by Allamorph

[Mykul]

Seeing as how there isn't an abundance of votes, the opportunity to voice opinions shall remain open until midnight.

[Botar]

Anomaly gets my vote, only because he TOLD his story better, not that the story was better. Lrb did well to, but failled to tell his story as articulate as Anomaly did. Thats why Anomaly gets my vote.

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"][FONT="Arial"]I think Allamorph already did a good job of critiquing the stories so I'm not going to bother to get into that. Anyway, I did enjoy both of them but I can only choose one, so I'll just vote for the one that entertained me the most. In this case that would be [B]Anomaly[/B]. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Mykul]

And with that, [FONT="Arial Black"][SIZE="4"]ANOMALY[/SIZE][/FONT] (who is a she) advances to round 2!