The Zodiac Truths... The gay ones anyway...

[Inuyasha Fandom]

[COLOR="Red"]The Zodiac Truths.... for Gays
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[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Aries: Follow your flame, Sanjay[/COLOR]

I don't mean to call you simple, Aries. But yo mamma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on the Soul Train. Oh, there we go. It's so fun to watch that vein pop out of your neck. Ewww, there it is. Not so hot. Calm down, Aries, I don't even know your mother... although I hear she's averaging a 1.7 on hotornot.com. See, there you go again. I kid because it's fun, though I must say you make it way too easy. O to be an innocent Aries. Born under the first house, you are but an infant beginning your twelve journeys through life. Like an infant, your needs are pretty basic and you have a simple way of articulating them: screaming at the top of your lungs. You do it if you've skipped your lunch or had to work through your nap; when you've discovered that your paunch has ballooned from a 36" to 38"; when your favorite contestant gets kicked off Project Runway; at the grocery store when the guavas aren't looking too fresh. People who wish they could have remained innocent babes forever have clearly never seen you loose it in the produce aisle of your local food co-op.

Some psychiatrists would call this behavior assertive and applaud your ability to let it all out. I would argue that it's great when you can let the world know how you feel, but how about exercising a little self control? Who knows. Maybe your brash demeanor is just the thing to get you ahead in this age of MeMeMe. And besides, when you're in the mood to please, you can win friends and influence people with the best of them. People like you because what they see is what they get. As much as I would like to tell you that your eyes contain deep reserves of mystery and solitude, I'd be lying. When you're in the mood to socialize, you'll embrace your friends with smiles and hugs. When all is not going your way, any friendly inquiries will be returned with snorts and glares. But in between vitriolic flares of temper, you're a devoted friend and passionate lover. You like to make big, showy displays of affection when they're least expected. You'll break a leg organizing a surprise party for your friend, making sure it's absolutely perfect down to the flavor of cake. In return, you'll expect to be told what a fabulous person you are; and god help the person who points out that you forgot his birthday the last three years in a row.

Not that you would ever let on that a cutting remark hurts you. Even if I said you had all the beauty of Bea Author, it would only take you being distracted by a shiny pair of Manolo Blahnik's to forget it. If you're going to stick with your convictions, then this oblivion is probably a good thing. Who needs to pay any attention to what the Simon Cowells of the world have to say? Follow your flame, Sanjaya. Anyway, you dish it out the way you take it. If you are in the presence of a quadriplegic you'd make a Superman joke. If you meet a priest, you might just talk about how the orders growing so thin, alter boys have to grope themselves these days. Gauche! If I were you, I'd keep some tactful friends around who know when to give you a good, discreet kick in the shin. Not that you'll be able to hide your pain. You're as afraid of physical discomfort as you are eager to start a fight. You big baby. As foolhardy as you are, Aries, the world of cause and effect is mysterious to you.

There's a good chance you're not raking in the cash, but that's not because you don't have the skills. But if getting ahead in the world requires that you light your boss's cigar, then you won't be moving up to the east side any time soon. You would do well to respect the elders who truly deserve your veneration. But you're nobody's yes man. When it comes to getting things done, you're more like Mao than the Dhali Lama. I once heard it said that there will always be a person willing to take charge in a time of crisis; most frequently, this person is crazy. As long as everybody you know swears an oath of unending fealty to you, you'll happily lead the way through the danger with plenty of bravado and not even a single shred of common sense. If discretion is the better part of valor, then you're crazier than you are brave. But it can't be denied that it was gays like you who donned their chaps like men and conquered the west. And where would we be without Las Vegas and Rodeo Drive? Leave it to a an Aries to make a show of playing king: you're the true leader of the zodiac. Leaders need to be optimistic, and you've got that spilling out of you like a megalomaniac superstar. People follow you because you have this innocent idea that justice can and will be served. Nancy Grace, anyone?

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Taurus: For a raging bull, you're kind of a princess.[/COLOR]

They say the Taurus acts a little like a bull sometimes. Looks a little like a bull to, come to think of it. Is that you? In the corner, pawing at the ground and flaring your nostrils? You might get hot and bothered, but usually you're going to stay right where you are until you have some clear reason to make your move. You keep your manly physique and smoldering eyes out of play, waiting for the kill to come to you... and that's incredibly sexy. Who isn't attracted to the strong, silent type? But that's just outwardly. You're the goods through and through, from your ability to accumulate wealth to your legendary... shall we say, personal skills.

You don't let the little stuff grab you by the horns and yank you around, but you're also not charging at every red scarf waved in your general direction. It's a common misconception about the bull that he has a nasty temper. Actually, it's something more akin to righteous anger. With you, there's no such thing as merely airing a grievance. You'll keep quiet and build a federal case. It might take days, weeks or months, but when you've compiled the evidence, out comes the S.W.A.T. team. Outbursts like these will be not be remembered merely as disputes. They will be compared to acts of god. That very nasty, very public breakup that got going because your ex was flirting/nagging/doing that annoying thing with his lip? It may have been the last straw. That thing that he does with his lip might be very, very annoying, the kind of thing that wears on one's soul after repeated exposure. I understand. But was the California Pizza Kitchen in the mall really the appropriate place to end it? Yeah, they'll be commemorating that one with a candlelit vigil. If you happen to be passing through that day on your way to the Smoothie Hut, you'd do best to keep your mouth shut and leave a generous donation for the victim. It's good karma.

Not that you really need any. You seem to have an uncanny ability to accumulate the fun stuff: money and power. You might take it for granted, but trust me, this doesn't come easy to any old sign. Just ask your local starving Pisces. Different signs like money for different reasons. Your reason happens to be that you like money. It's that simple really. It's the Millionaire Mindset. Money just wants to be loved. Treat it right, and it will love you back. You know that the relationship between a man and his well-diversified stock portfolio can go deeper than... well, you know. Don't get me wrong. You're definitely not going to gamble everything on a stock tip you heard from a guy who was trying to chat you up at a cocktail party, who heard it from his ex-boyfriend's bosses roommate, who swore that Exubera was going to take the world by storm. No, that's not your bag at all. You're a blue chip mutual fund man, and proud of it.

Here's how I think of it: with a dieting metaphor. Bear with me. If you crash diet, do the Beyonce Master Cleanse thing, or the cabbage soup thing... heck, even Atkins, you're guaranteed to loose at least eighty-three pounds in less than seventy-two hours, right? But what's the good if you can't keep it off? They say that weight loss works best when you lose one to two pounds a week. That might be a time investment, but you'll make it if it means that the payoff is being svelte for life. It's the same for everything you value in life. If it's worth getting, it's worth getting right. I've read that Taurans are traditionally farmers, salt of the earth and all that, but I don't buy it for a second. In this modern world of ours, you're comfortable playing power games in the board room, or building your reputation as a freelance graphic artist... the career world is your oyster. Just stay away from sales. The slick talk isn't what you're known for and the insecurity of the job will make you nuts. And we all know where that leads.

So yeah, what I'm trying to say is that you're kind of a stick-in-the-mud sometimes, at your worst even a kurmudgen, cantankerous, obstinate, pig-headed... and my thesaurus is just getting warmed up! Please don't remind me that slow and steady wins the race, buddy. I've heard it all before. But you're not fooling anybody. You like to unwind with the best of them. In fact, be careful. All that dieting you've been doing? It's important to eat, drink and be merry occasionally, but unless you want to be known for your soft underbelly, I'd watch it if I were you. That said, if you know how to make it, you also know how to spend it: on pretty faces and expensive booze. Oh, and things that smell good. Preferably a bedroom buddy who wears expensive cologne (a drug-store knock-off is reason enough to send him packing), but baring that you'll settle for some nice aromatherapy candles. Five hundred thread count sheets, Italian leather couches, and we won't even get into how picky you are about what you wear. Hey, you know what? For being a raging bull, you're kind of a princess.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Gemini: Best friend, Adderall.[/COLOR]

Make up your mind Gemini! Who's team are you on, anyway? Duality is an important part of nature, but they say people ruled by the twins like to double their pleasure and their fun. Kinky? You bet. Mercury, ruler of Gemini, was the pretty calling card of the gods, the messenger who moved like lightening and dripped honey when he spoke. He also had a physique as chiseled as the statues they made in his image-- all that running up and down Mt. Olympus is good for the thighs. What more could you want, Gemini? You have it all: brains, bod and the busiest tongue on the zodiac. Sometimes you even get around to talking. I jest. Verbal skills happen to be your particular strength. You're the best dinner conversation of the zodiac. Ideally, you could spend a lifetime dining with friends on the terrace of a Rive Gauche cafe, exchanging bon mots and watching the boys strut by. You thrive on conversation as witty and intelligent as you are, especially when they are paired with tapas and crisp rose. Why get stuck with an entree if you could sample an entire menu?

This simple polemic could be applied to just about every area of your existence. As an undergraduate, I'd be willing to bet you triple majored in Japanese culture, physics and botany. Typical. Worst case scenario is that you didn't make up your mind at all, you naughty little Gemini. It's great that you have so many interests, but a series of passing interests does not a career man make. At least if you have to go back to college at age thirty-five, you'll look great. Your sharp mind somehow keeps you looking fresh and agile; even if you've chased the party like it was your job, you can expect to look a lot more like Kate Moss that Kieth Richards after you've left rehab. It's hardly even fair. Find a job where you can use your excellent interpersonal skills, and you'll be communicating all the way to the bank. The possibilities are endless, as long as you choose a line of work that rewards you for hopping around all day like a five year old waiting for the potty. It's not that you can't concentrate. It's just there are so many pressing thing in life that require your attention, and you hate to let any one thing slip. Did you leave the iron on? Choose the right tie? Paper or plastic? Ma'am or Sir? Lifestyles or Trojans? Luckily, you have a uncanny knack for balancing all pressing issues somewhere in the slippery realm of your immediate attention. Why have just one big problem when you could solve twenty little problems in under twenty minutes, and still have time to file your nails?

At your best, you master your massive attention deficit and use your curiosity to find unique solutions to just about any problem. At your worst, you're full of hot air. Take relationships, for instance. You are so notoriously fickle when it comes to love that I bet you don't even mind that gays can't marry. In fact, I would be saddened but not shocked to find that you were giving money to the Family Values Council under an assumed name. Well, it looks like you'll be able to avoid that awkwardness for a little while longer; just stay out of Massachusetts. There's nothing you dread more than the prospect of waking up next to your lover of the week for the rest of your life. It's not that you are incapable of love, far from it. But you have a crush to match each of your split personalities. How to choose just one? Walking down the street, it's impossible not to notice a stunning pair of eyes over here and a sensual mouth over there. You put them together like some men put together fantasy football teams. As for landing the catch to end all catches, good luck with all that. Even if you did, you'd probably just change your mind the next day. Maybe his look isn't right for the season. If people were clothes, you'd be getting all of yours at H&M, knowing full well they'll be passe by the time the next fashion week rolls around.

Besides, if you settled down, you might not have a reason to flirt anymore; and flirting is what you do best. To trot out a tired cliche: Variety is the spice of life. To quote a Joni Mitchell lyric: Everything comes and goes, marked by lovers and styles of clothes. Not that you spend too much time reminiscing. If you're moping around your apartment thinking of the snows of yesteryear, it's because the invitation you were hoping for didn't arrive and you're in the mood for self-pity. Knock it off, Gemini. Maybe if you tried thinking with your heart every once in a while, instead of that logical head of yours, you wouldn't be prone to these fits of melancholy. If you keep blowing people off when they're done being useful, you might just find yourself in-between friends when you need them most. I hate to tell you this, but where you might admire your own quick mind and insatiable curiosity, some people would say that your inability to make a commitment makes you an empty, superficial person. I guess it's all in how you choose to see it. So maybe you should choose to show some appreciation for the people who mean the most.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Cancer: You have a license to mother.[/COLOR]

Crabby? You? Only in the morning. Before lunch. All day Tuesday and most of Sunday. Leap years. At high altitudes and low barometric pressures. Oh, just admit it, Cancer. You're a moody one. You are ruled by the moon after all, and we know what that means: it's always your time of the month. I'd try to cheer you up, but you have the most annoying habit of twisting a compliment into a death sentence. It's one thing to be creative, but however did you get "You look tired" from "You look lovely in pink"? Impossible is what you are! Given the right state of mind, every innocent comment can be a back-handed cutter waiting to be discovered. We love you for your sensitivity. But there are times when we just can't stand your sensitivity. If you're a smart little crab, you'll surround yourself with people you love and trust. It's no guarantee that you won't have your sad days, fat days and Boy George in rehab days, but without a solid home base you'd be miserable.

I don't mean to gnaw on an empty crab shell, Cancer, but you'd better watch it. You're getting a rep. What's that in the corner, wallowing in a pool of snot and self-pity? Oh, just the Piteous Cancerous. You'll find them in the restaurant restrooms, department store dressing rooms, blandly decorated living rooms and garish art-deco rumpus rooms... bad home decoration offends the Cancer's sensibilities. Between sobs, you'll sit the offender down and flip on HGTV or TLC as though you are leading some kind of intervention. If Hildi happens to be terrorizing some poor suburban family on "Trading Spaces," you'll quickly change the channel. And don't pretend you don't know Hildi. You know Hildi. You've been riding the cable television home-improvement craze since it's nascence. And the food network. Especially the food network. Home just isn't home unless the scent of pot roast and strudel knocks your guests over the head from the moment they step across your kitchy straw welcome-mat. You have a license to mother. And people let you, because you do it with a zeal that borders on obsessive compulsive disorder. You embody an army of Italian/Polish/Mexican/Armenian Grandmothers who insist that even the Type II Diabetics among us must be starving. It's hard to resist that kind of charm for long. That, and everybody is afraid of making you cry. And did I mention you make pie? Damn good pie, in fact.

Please don't shoot the messenger: you're the ultimate girly-man. I guess in your line of work (being gay, that is) it's not a bad thing. Whenever the boys stop by for a visit you've got the coffee and the gossip brewing, always ready to employ the most cunning pie-diplomacy where ever it might be needed. Sadly, it is not useful enough in this carb-conscious age of ours. Still there's plenty to keep you busy: shuttling your mother to the hairdresser, picking up your sweetie's dry cleaning, fertilizing your herb garden, vacuuming under the sofas and bedazzling your niece's jumpsuits. Bedazzling? Where do you find the time? It seems that all the home arts are your especial domain. You can't wait to get your M.R.S., if only so you can push your partner out of the way when it comes time cultivate a pack of Lhasa Apsos or Homo Erectus-es. Not that your partner will be going anywhere. He'll be so fat by the time you're through with him, he couldn't turn the head of a stripper at Gold Coast.

You like your romance like you like your meals: rich and leisurely. You're a sentimental sap, that's all. What's the use in trying not to fall? None, my dear. You fall in love and stay there. Security is the name of the game. You want it at any cost. Too bad it can't be outright purchased, though it doesn't mean you won't try. You'll stop at a boutique window and admire the new seersucker trousers they're showing this spring, and then lament that you're too poor to indulge. Too poor to indulge from your clothing budget, that is. As opposed to your travel fund, hope chest, unborn grandchildren college trust and Swiss bank account. You're not stingy, hardly. You're very generous with your friends and family. But money buys drapes and Ghirardelli chocolate, the things that make you happiest; therefore, one can never have enough. Sometimes, this desire to be prepared for a rainy day can manifest itself in an unfortunate tendency to accumulate clutter. I could evoke the happily discarded clothing styles from a bygone age, but I think one word sums it up: Rave. I went there. Don't you think putting old clothing out of it's misery is the humanitarian thing to do? I suggest watching "Mission: Organization". Check HGTV for times.
[COLOR="Red"]
The Gay Leo: Who wouldn't want to be you?[/COLOR]

King of the Jungle? Understatement. Louis XIV built Versailles so that the sun would progress with him from morning into night. Mistresses, lords, jesters, manicurists, haberdashers, horseman, chefs, and hangers-on orbited him like asteroids and applauded his every utterance. That's more like it. Sometimes it gets stressful, having so much delegating to do, but the perks are fabulous. It's never lonely on top. The glamour, the booze and, lest we forget, the boys, will have the rank and file in awe. You know how it works, this social thing. It's not rocket science, really. Give 'em a good time. Make 'em feel like they're with you on the top of the food chain, and they shall come. There's really nothing you can do about it. Kings need attention like Brittney Spears needs the paparazzi.

All this lavish entertainment is going to take money, of course. Good thing you like to lead in business as well as pleasure. You've got a hankering for the corner office, if only because it gets good light and will allow you to show off your vintage modernist furniture to its best advantage. Call it expensive, call it snotty, but under no circumstances call it Ikea. You know the best; that's why you're such a good boss. You can motivate a team with your compliments and encouragement. And you're totally comfortable as the bold entrepreneur, the one who gets a brilliant flash of inspiration and then calls the admins into his office to say "I'll need the details worked out by Monday." You're more of a vision guy than a corporate cog, though you work pretty hard at it. I'd remind you to stick to a strict regimen of beauty-sleep, facials and massages, but you don't need too much encouragment.

You're taste for the finer things in life is probably going to command a lot of your money and time... How do I put this? I know the words "label whore" sound harsh, but brace yourself: label whore. Yes, you. Whatever, you love it. How else would they recognize your majesty, now that capes and scepters have gone out of style? Royalty needs to look the part. Besides, you only like the big names because they make the best rags. It's not the label you're after so much as a guarantee that the fabric and cut are going to be just right. In this era of the tailored suit, that's not a bad idea.

Lesser mortals may ask who died and made you Hillary Clinton. And if they do, please avoid sulking. It's so unattractive. In fact, you might want to take the drastic step of thinking about why a body would say such a thing. Think back. Last time you were out, did you feel the need to lecture about your one pet peeve in this world, men with over-shaped eyebrows? Or your other one pet peeve, the men who love them? Maybe it's the Log Cabin Republicans who really get your goat. Maybe your lecture is directed at a friend who foolishly called his bar crush the very next day. I know, I know, but show some restraint. As the Kristal flows, so does your stream of eloquence. You lecture because you love. You lecture because you yourself know better. And when you've finished, hopefully you'll still have some friends left. Since you're going to pick up the tab, it's entirely likely. But watch it, Leo. Even if you are right, and I concede that you frequently are, nobody likes a know-it-all. Show a little humility, and for heaven's sake, give your friends some credit for being the gorgeous, intelligent, creative people they are. After all, you don't hang out with just anybody. These people are special to you for a reason.

Different people show love in different ways. You know, strokes, folks, and all of that. For you, love and gifts go hand and hand: the expensive bag, the helpful business contact, the lavish compliment. You love to do it and they love to receive it. Just make sure that you're not trading stuff for affection. Learn to take a little criticism from the people who love you. Since you're not exactly what some folks would call approachable, you'll know they're speaking up because they care. Do you really want a pack of yes-men following your around, flattering you and doing whatever you ask? Don't answer that.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Virgo: A man-goddess of course.[/COLOR]

Virgo, virginal? Hardly, sister. Don't sweat it... If anybody calls you a prude, they're just jealous because your sweet, svelte, impeccably groomed self is the kind of perfection generally limited to the covers of Men's Fitness. Though that said, you do have the special claim of being the one and only female sign of the zodiac (that's right, even the goats are men), so you radiate a special kind of energy that has been worshipped since the beginning of human civilization. What does that make you? Why, a man-goddess of course. Try not to blush, modest Virgo. Everybody knows it's the girls who get things done in this world.

At home or in the office, you get the important jobs because you have a proven ability to carry the day on a timetable and a budget. It's about detail orientation. You understand the the importance of the small things, be they typos or a questionable shoe-belt combination. This can get you into trouble if you go to a friend's house for dinner and end up giving his apartment the white glove treatment. It's not that you judge the slobs that surround you-- well, you do, a little. You can't help it! Tell your friends to blame it on the stars and be grateful that they have somebody around who cares enough to wipe the snot off their noses and make sure their ear hair doesn't get too unsightly.

When it comes to voyeurism, you reject the flashier elements of gaydom. You won't be the queen leading the parade in a pink feather head dress and sequined thong, but maybe you're the thoughtful character who ran around with a clipboard putting the whole outfit together. Where would the family be without you? Some would call you reserved because you don't participate in the more demeaning rituals of human bonding, but you're hardly aloof.

Ruled by Mercury, Virgos understand the importance of communication. It's not the gift of gab we're talking about. It's the transmission of information that concerns you most. You're one of the smarter signs on the zodiac and luckily you have the verbal skills to let everybody know what you're thinker's been thunking up. You're sharp and witty and usually you use these powers for good, to help out those you care for and make sure they understand the importance of having their feet planted firmly on the ground. When it comes to doling out advice, you are the change you wish to see in the world.

As for health, you understand the body-as-temple thing better than any other sign. That perfect complexion and god-like physique won't take care of themselves-- gotta protect the goods! This serves you well in our all too superficial world. But you like to keep things running smoothly on the inside and out. You know that looking good is about having that inner-sexy that comes from being healthy and centered. You might spend a lot of recreation time on the field, playing some team sport (mandatory boys-in-jersey joke here), but if nothing else you do justice to the money you plunked down for that lifetime gym membership. Virgos also understand that performance is based on how the machine is fueled. You take your vitamins, just like mom told you to, and splurge for organic whenever it's available.

Gosh you're handy! Even if teaching isn't your profession, people are as naturally inclined to learn from your healthy, efficient ways as you are to listen to their problems. That, and you have a great sense of humor. But be careful-- Virgo's downfall is helping others so much that he wears himself down. Remember that service to others starts with a strong sense of self.
[COLOR="Red"]
The Gay Libra: Who wouldn't want to be you?[/COLOR]

Charming, my dear. Yes you. Don't try to deny it, because I know you've looked in a mirror recently. The dimples, the full pouting lips, and let's not underestimate the power of your nicely rounded posterior. It's a full length mirror you have, of course. Call it self-restraint if you have only one. Your face and conversation are the delight of the zodiac; you are ruled by the goddess, Venus. How very popular you must be. You've got a million dollar smile and a laugh that will reduce your prey to a puddle of blushes. Who wouldn't want to be you? It does get difficult, though, to sort though the myriad of evites that practically spam your inbox. Sorting them all out can require some time and strategic thinking, not to mention some good 'ol fashioned hard headed decision making...

Ah! There's the rub. Being situated as you are in the sixth house of the zodiac, Librans teeter at the place where self-hood and society meet: hence, the scales. You prize balance and harmony above all else; nice work if you can get it. Some people think it comes naturally. Of course we know that being so calm all the time takes work. It's important to remember that scales, like your feelings, tip back and forth. Nobody can get as annoyed as you at a messy drama queen, but nobody can be so charming about it. You know what do do when she's finished with her rant. You'll put on your most demure Patty Duke and tell her that smiling saves money on bot-ox down the line.

You fight like a... You'd rather not, and please don't make the joke about the broken nail. Haha. But why get all mussed over what could easily be resolved the way God intended: while sipping a doppio macchaito. Think more Gilmore Girls, less Sopranos. You love to facilitate an insightful debate, just for the educational experience of it. Your ability to deliberate proves you're more than a pretty face. But it can be pretty annoying to your friends, all the time it takes you to get to any kind of conclusion. There's nothing wrong with that. But be careful if the girls start casting each other knowing looks the next time you've had another change of opinion. They were just saying the other day that you can seem a little insincere sometimes. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm telling you because I don't want you to get hurt.

It's not as though something like that would keep you from getting out. You're not the type who can stay up all night with the help of a red bull or two, but that doesn't stop you from being a very social butterfly. If you didn't socialize, then how could people pay you compliments? Friends make everything better. You work out in a pack, get coffee in with a cadre, and party in a throng. You can work hard/play hard for a while, but when you've decided you're finished you plop down on the duvet and get out the sleeping mask. You demand to be taken care of. And not just by your friends. You need coupling in the love department especially. Try not to be the boy who always needs a man; if he's not right, you'll wear yourself out trying to make him happy and that's not good for anybody. Crying makes the eyes puffy.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Scorpio: Whatever You Can Hold Between Your Pincers.[/COLOR]

When they were passing out power, Scorpio, you didn?t have to butt in line-the other signs scurried out of your way, intimidated and intrigued by your pronounced stinger. A born man-trap, you irradiate energy like a live electrical wire, stunning all who cross your path.

Not that you don?t have a softer side for those lucky enough to be permitted to see it. As a Water sign, your inner world is often a turbulent whirlpool of emotions frothing just beneath the surface. Your fixed quality keeps it well under wraps, though, and only those closest to you ever glimpse so much as a ***** in your armor.

Others find you fascinating, but you often feel the need to stay aloof, not because you enjoy solitude, but because your standards are high. Dark places are your playground, and you enjoy being the shocking surprise in the corner.

Those who do get invited into your lair will find a your place a neatly organized headquarters for your quest of world domination-woe to the guest who unwittingly rearranges your DVD collection or replaces a hand-towel on the wrong bar. Scorpios are known to have a streak of the freak: neat-freak, control-freak, and downright freak-y in the dungeon.

You?ll often resist change, but transformation is frequently quite good for you. Scorpios thrive on new challenges and settings, despite an affinity for known routines and surroundings. Similarly, despite your fiery libido and the welcome you receive in many beds, your sense of stability craves a lover worthy of your loyalty.

A master strategist, you are all about cutting the lag time between desire and fulfillment. Your prey barely has time to struggle before being devoured. Once you?ve made him yours, you aren?t one to take straying lightly?you keep a secret cabinet full of exotic devices to punish cheating hearts and their other parts.

Jealousy is too petty a word. What you feel when your territory is invaded is nothing less than rage at the affront. After all, you are no one to be trifled with. Your ruling planets are Mars and Pluto, two of the manliest Greek gods and also the most dangerous. Despite your fierceness and love of battle, Scorpio, you have deep pockets of compassion and often aim your weapon at the forces of injustice on behalf of the helpless.

A warrior in the boardroom as in the bedroom, it?s a rare Scorpio who finds success to be elusive. Once you fixate on the object of your obsession, no wise creature interferes with your plans, and you generally rise to whatever heights your fancy drives you to. A penchant for healing and stoic endurance has a brought a great number of you to the medical field and caretaking positions.

Your refined, classic tastes are evident in your style and abode. Conservative with expenditures (some would say tight with the checkbook), you enjoy the finer things in life, and rarely cheat yourself when it comes to clothing or décor. Money is power, so you like to keep a tidy bundle of it around, but you?ll pick up the tab and dinner and even fight for the right.

Your tongue is often too sharp for the unwary, and Scorpios are possessed with a biting wit that often injures unintentionally. This creates some distance between you and those who feel it might be safer to worship you from afar.

You laugh at pain, so are likelier than other signs to be pierced and sport elaborate murals of ink on your skin. You also have a reputation for kinkiness and for being a tasteful yet harsh dominant?your urge is not to punish so much as to control. A bevy of willing slaves will turn up for your tender whip, but you have particular tastes, and only the most intriguing victims are chosen for a night of dark delights.

Like all Scorpios, you are deeply individualistic, prizing your uniqueness and fend off any outside attempts to redefine your identity. The crowd follows you, not the other way around. All this attention gets to you sometimes, as you treasure your privacy, so it?s not at all unknown for Scorpios to lead a double life.

You sometimes like to slip away to a lightly populated white-sand beach (preferably clothing optional) to be alone with your thoughts or your current lucky conquest. Bathed in moonlight and just barely out of sight is the mood that gets you worked up; Scorpio is the quintessential creature of the night.
[COLOR="Red"]
The Gay Sagittarius: You?re all stallion baby.[/COLOR]

Slow down Sagittarius. What?s got you all fired up? You walk into the bar and Saturday Night Fever pops out of the juke box as you make the rounds. Everybody gets a European-style greeting, kiss kiss kiss (on the cheek, silly) from bouncer to bartender and everyone in between. You?ll have ?em eating out of the palm of your hand with your latest anecdote, exaggerating all pertinent details by a factor of 2.5 and punctuating your story with hand motions that should be studied by the cast of Fame. You?re innately confident. And why shouldn?t you be? Sagittarius is the centaur. From the waist up you exude the quick, sexy intelligence of, say, a Matt Damon. Below, you?re all stallion baby.

The centaur rarely trips, but that?s not to say that you don?t make your share of faux pas. You?ll rattle a friend with an offhand remark about his pleated khakis (?I?m surprised; those look ok on you!?) If you stop to notice the crestfallen look on his face (which you won?t) you?ll come right back and say something about how usually only the tall and the slim can pull that look off gracefully, and remind your friend that the pendulum is swinging away from the whole flat front craze anyway. What?s old is new again, right? Eventually.

And who could be offended? If you?ve indulged in a bit too much of foot au gratin, well, you?re just guilty of being you; which isn?t a crime, but maybe it should be. You call it like you see it because you don?t believe in hiding behind politesse, preferring to get straight to the heart of the issue. Your sign is the archer, after all. And people tend to forgive you because who likes a stuffy prude anyway? It helps that you?re generous to a fault, especially with hard cases and cute animals. You could never stand to see a teacup poodle peering out of knock-off handbag, or a friend in need of a night on the town.

And that?s just in your spare time. Sagittarians are the philosopher queens of the zodiac. Not so dreamy as the Pisces of the world, and not as flighty as a Gemini when it comes to doing the research, Sagittarians strike a nice balance between thought and action. You love the ideas but know that nothing exists in a vacuum. You get a lot of energy from engaging with the world and all its fascinating people. That?s where your lack of tact comes in great handy. Sagittarius is both opinionated and open to change at the same time. You?re not afraid to ask the stupid or insensitive questions if it means getting the information you need, and you?re not afraid to let your conversation partner know exactly where you stand on an issue. You know that it?s the only way to make progress, and heaven help the curmudgeon who stands in the way.

The times are gonna change, and those who ride the tide will have the most fun. You love people, but anybody who tries to hold you back from this simple philosophy invites a world of pain. Independence is your oxygen. You love travel, and for fun you?d be down to try any of those rugged-outdoorsy kinds of activities that involve scaling mountains followed by a refreshing five kilometer swim. Good luck with all that, Sagittarius. Just be careful. You are blessed to be one of the luckier signs on the zodiac, but be sure that your drive for exploration doesn?t take you into a situation you can?t get out of. Indulging in too much of anything is bad for the waistline and the pocketbook. Keep some stability in your life and you?ll be pushing boundaries for a long time to come.
[COLOR="Red"]
The Gay Capricorn: You big old mama's boy.[/COLOR]

Lighten up, Capricorn. There's nothing wrong with you, exactly. Well, let's take a look in your closet. Exactly what I thought: a sea of chinos. Olives, khaki, drab. I'm crossing my fingers that they're flat-front. And... Oh my God. Tell me that suit isn't Brooks Brothers. Please. Alright. This is nothing professionals can't handle. You're the reason there needs to be a show called Queer Eye for the Queer Guy. Sometimes I wonder if the community shouldn't be focusing on it's own before it runs out to do... ahem, missionary work. Even so, it would take more than the Fab Five to make a Prince Harry from your Drew Carey. I'm thinking you need the stern hand of a learned but subtly sexy Henry Higgins, working over your image with charts, graphs and, of course, plenty of nice hot baths. Goats are such filthy, stubborn creatures. And there's definitely nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, better a Gap ad than a D&G billboard. Some boys are just trying too hard. But have you thought about mixing it up lately? A few vintage finds can give your wardrobe some character. It doesn't have to be like like 1973 threw-up on you; like a t-shirt for some plumbing company? True, it may have been worn by an actual plumber, that is a little bit gross. What about a funky hat? Of course, you never were much of a hat person. OK, an over-sized belt buckle, you know, a little bit rodeo? Horses frighten you, I see. I give up. Hemp shoelaces?

Does this conversation seem at all familiar? I feel for your friends. Routine is acceptable six out of the seven days of the week, but what happens when Saturday night rolls around? I hope you make some effort to get out there and mix. You'll go to the bar, if for no other reason than because it's expected of you, but your spots tend to be more about the piano than the bootie tech. You dance far less than surgeon general recommends and if you remember it in the morning chances are you'll also have a splitting headache. Take some aspirin and get over yourself.

I've spent a lot of time ragging on you, haven't I? I insult because I love. And because it's good for you. Look at it this way: in a lot of ways, you of all the zodiac's lusty menagerie has reason to be happy. You avoid every pitfall that causes misery in this world. The good news is that greed, lust, anger and jealousy roll off you as though you were made of Teflon. The bad news is that greed, lust anger and jealousy roll off of you like Teflon. When other's loose themselves in ill-fated love and impossible dreams, you keep your eyes on the prize, buckle down and keep going. You respect your elders. Called your mom recently? Of course you have, you big old mama's boy. And that's a great thing, it's important to keep those family ties strong. How about life at the office: completed any important projects? You don't have any problem putting in all the extra hours you need to get the job done. Other signs might rely on their quick wit or sharp intellect to make up for a poor work ethic, you understand the importance of good old elbow grease. And that's the kind of effort you can take to the bank. Time after time.

Look, I don't want to drive the point in too much but I'm going to share an anecdote that I hope will enlighten and entertain. It's for your own good. I had a friend who took classes that involved a lot of math she didn't understand. She'd come home and complain about the impossibility of the charts and graphs and formulas she was supposed to learn. "How do you get through?" I finally asked one day. "I look for the Goat," she said with a grin. "He's the guy sitting in the back of the class, not talking to anybody. He studies for each class two hours every night and does all the homework." And of course, was so happy to have a girl acknowledging his existence that he would agree to meet for coffee to "share notes," aka, patiently tutoring my friend in exchange for some harmless flirtation. She saw this as a productive exchange of commodities. I tend to shake my head when I hear of such arrangements. If a girl wants to flutter her eyelashes and charm her way into a better grade, that's none of my concern. But I'm against taking advantage of the goats.

Clearly you can avoid that pitfall: we all know that falling for a girl isn't your style... Oh, should I not have said that? You are out, yes? I'm sorry, but of all the signs of the zodiac, I feel compelled to make sure. Capricorns tend to make it through life by conforming, though in a best case scenario their It's cool if you need to take your time, but if I happen to visit my local evangelical church and see your name on the roster of sexual re-orientation I may be forced to strap you into an armchair, prop your eyelids open with toothpicks bust out the Queer as Folk DVDs. I'm sorry. It hurts me more than it hurts you. Well, not really.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Aquarius: A Smooth Jazz Nightmare.[/COLOR]

When it comes to Aquarian relatioships, the good news is that you might just be the friendliest sign on the zodiac. The bad news is that you might just be the friendliest sign of the zodiac. You'll strike up a conversation and weasel a phone number out of any hottie, anywhere: cute baristas, receptionists and chance acquaintances of all homotypes are prey to your smooth talking skills.

When you take out a date, you show him a fantastic time if he's up for cocktails, dinner, bar, club and after hours. And if he's ready for your innumerable stop and chats along the way. Watch your date's reaction: is he loving how popular you are or checking his watch with the intense look of a man about to flee? Some people might think it a bit rude to spread the love around like you do, but can you help being so damn charming?

Aquarius can't afford to take a jealous lover if he ever wants to go to the bathroom alone again. It might be a nice gesture to ease his anxiety with a little PDA, even if it hurts a little. It's not that you're cold: when you're with somebody you like, he'll be the most fascinating creature you've met in months, except for every other crush you've taken out that weekend.

You'll impress him with your stamina, but you're uncomfortable with those moments that can make a real connection. You need to buck up and accept that if you want in his pants, you might just have to suffer through a dinner at his house followed by a private screening of [insert gay movie here]. Take an antihistamine if sap makes you break out in hives. And if you decide to seal the deal with a romantic dinner au restaurant, for God's sake don't let him catch you staring at the waiter's ***.

When it comes to men you see something to take home and love in everybody; and that's a good thing, right? But watch out, Aquarius. Your greatest strength in love is your ability to accept a person completely for who they are, even if that means letting go. But you can all too frequently use letting go as an excuse to be selfish and detached from your lover, letting them stray from your heart and your bedroom.

[COLOR="Red"]The Gay Pisces: For a raging bull, you're kind of a princess.[/COLOR]

We might as well start with the good news: you're great in the sack. The bad news is that even tantric sex doesn't last forever. You don't have sex, you loose yourself in it. Like I bet you want to loose yourself boping away to Miguel Migs all night long. Or whatever the kids are listening to these days. Give you a club where some good garage house is spinning and, let's be honest, your substance of choice, and the only way to get rid of you will be when the lights go up and you realize the hottie you've been dancing with all night is less Patrick Swayze and more Patrick Stewart. Awkward.

It's fine to escape once in a while, but when you wake up in the morning with a splitting headache, vaguely recalling a nightmare in which your father chased you around the club with a knife shouting "Engage", you're going to have to face reality. Most of the day will have to be spent doing what we here on planet earth call "stuff". You know, stuff? Let me see here... paid any bills lately? Right. Looked into rolling over that 401k? Well, add it to the list. Gotten the landlord to stop by and look at that leak in the ceiling? You know, so you can get rid of the crock pot on the floor of your living room, the one you've been tripping over every morning for a week? It's not a permanent solution, you know. Sooner or later, you're going to want to make some soup.

Oi ma! You're a harder case than I thought. Pisces is the everything bagel of the zodiac. They say you've lived eleven other lives, having cycled through all the other signs to end up... where exactly? The heck if you know. Fitting, then, that your sign rules the Unconscious. Not that you're totally unaware of what's going on. You pick up on the feelings of others like crazy Uncle Mario picks up radio signals from that metal plate implanted in his scull. Your ability to empathize is famous, just ask any of the friends, family, or co-workers. You're ready give all of yourself to whoever needs you most. All of your emotion, I mean... what were you thinking? But use protection, dear Pisces. You don't have unlimited energy yourself. Exposure to toxic amounts of pain can lead to a lethal case of martyrdom, and who wants to end up all Joan-of-Arc? Can we say butch?

That said, service is the name of your game and not even a conservative could keep you from using compassion to make the world a better place. It's pretty straightforward, really. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you've heard otherwise before. That dual nature stuff. The 'You're two fragile little fishies wandering in the pond' crap. Don't buy it for a second. The two fish represent two possibilities, not an endless game of tug-of-war. Sure, one of those possibilities is that you might just fall deep into your dreams and never wake up. But you could also get it together and do great things. You've got the intelligence of the Scarecrow, the courage of the Lion and the heart of the Tinman; not to mention the charisma of the beacon herself, Dorthy. You have so much to offer that you might not know where to begin, but that's a nice problem to have.

There's a good chance that your need for illusion manifests itself in a love of the arts. Interested in the theater? You drama queen you. And I'd be willing to bet that those big pretty eyes of yours have a knack for color. Who wouldn't want to take you in the dressing room? You can coordinate my wardrobe any time, baby. Maybe your thing is oil on canvass. Or maybe you can write a mean sonnet. You got skills, kid, so buck up. You're no flake. Pick a plan, any plan. And stick with it, for god's sake. One day at a time. Your emotional nature is a great source of inspiration but unfortunately it takes organizational skills to get a project moving. If you want my advice, hook up with a Virgo. They'll teach you everything you need to know about making lists and sticking to schedules. Just make sure you pencil in some time to stare out the window and day dream. Since you were going to anyway.

[Shinmaru]

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[SunfallE]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"]I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here [B]Inuyasha Fandom[/B]. However, horoscope listings aren't exactly conversation, even if you made them up yourself. If that's the case then by all means head to the Anthology, just be sure to actually indicate at the beginning that you're interested in feedback on it.

Anyway, with that, I'm going to close this thread. If you need me to clear anything up, just send me a pm. Thanks. ~SunfallE

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