Writing I Was Dead Before the Bullets Were Even Fired

[The Final Cut]

CENSORED BY THE FBI Edited July 20, 2010 by The Final Cut

[Skye]

[size=1]Wow, this is beautifully written...I'm sure there are a million things wrong with this but I'm just too wrapped up in it to care. So much feel and beauty and pain, so well written.

I envy you your skill.

[b]EDIT:[/b] All right, all right, in an attempt to separate myself from the peice, I came up with this:

For one, I love her utter acceptance of her fate. Despite the fact that I, myself, would have wanted to run, I can see her standing there, quivering, knowing it would simply make it worse to run.

I know there HAS to be something worth berating but I just can't find it. I love it so much, so well written - especially being your first opposite sex piece.[/size]

[pedegg]

I must say it was a great piece as well. You did a good job. I wish I had something to help you to work on but I can't think of anything. Plus I write completely different things.

But I loved the woman's bravery for sure and the last second flash backs that built up the tension.

[Botar]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"]Have to go with Steph on this one, truley amazing, but you could of elaborated more on what the women did, or maybe you shouldn't, either way it was fantastic, great job! [/COLOR]

[AmariaDelight]

[SIZE=1]This is amazing![/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Hurry and put more up, you have me all excited! =D[/SIZE]


[SIZE=1]EDIT: I have sooo many questions. Does she live? Does she die? Where are her children? Her family? What was the purpose for execution? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]This is what makes a great story, the building curiosity for the readers. They will continue to read to figure out what is happening. I love it, you have done such a good job so far. Really keep up the good work. :D[/SIZE]

[eleanor]

I always feel weird when pointing out negative aspects of things, because I never really know how old the OP is, how long h/she has been doing whatever craft, etc. This post is just me talking about what I thought the story's biggest weakness is. You've gotten very positive feedback here, so don't doubt your talent as a writer. However, as you asked for, this is what I didn't like about it.

In general I was not emotionally affected by this piece (I'm assuming it's stand alone?). I don't know exactly what happened to the woman, so you, as the writer, have to make me care about her anyway. But by the end of the piece, I still didn't really care whether she was going to die or not. Simply telling readers that she was going to die due to some injustice, and hinting that she is a loving mother who cares for her family, is not enough to convince all of your readers that they should be really moved by what you're writing. My only real question is-- "why did she end up like this?" If this is a stand-alone piece, having that as the only real interest I have in the character is a bad sign. Ideally my biggest response should be "wow, what a unique depiction of a person about to die," not "well it'd be cool to know how she got there I guess."

IMO your description of everything is just too melodramatic for a character your readers know nothing about. Sometimes I felt the sentences that were supposed to more insightful and profound to be out of place and ineffectual without greater explanation. I'm sure you know the background of this woman and it moved you while writing the story, but I don't. Anyways, this is why writing short stories and even shorter prose pieces are very difficult. You have a limited amount of space to really engage your readers.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font="Arial Narrow"][size="2"]In some respects, I have to agree with Eleanor. I read this and I want more. Where did she come from, how did she get here, what is the situation that has led to a woman being shot by a firing squad? Fantastic description and it does hint at things...but that's all, and it frustrates me as a reader. I get the feeling that this is injustice but I don't know. I can understand that if the woman has done something terribly wrong, then it is hard to make a person feel empathy for her, but at the same time, it's difficult to feel empathy for her anyway because we just aren't given enough. Where is this woman?

That said, I did enjoy it as much as possible. I like the portrayal of the last thoughts before a death, the acknowledgement of inevitability. It's very good. I just feel like it needs...something more, you know? [/size][/font]

[The Final Cut]

Holy ******* **** this story is old

Sorry for subjecting you guys to the horror that was this story, I'll probably post up my new (AKA BETTER) stuff sometime soon. I didn't even realize I left this up. Those of you who critiqued it I thank you. I trashed this story months ago, tried to rewrite it, and it didn't work.