All in the name of LOVE

[Pumpkin]

[FONT="Arial Narrow"][SIZE="2"][I]So I have this friend we'll call her "Betty" me and her became friends when both of our boyfriends dumped us and treated us badly. So I kinda felt better that someone else was going through what I have, but seemed a stronger person because of it. The guy she was with cheated on her all the time, he lied, he even slept with my sister, and he was seeing another girl the whole time he was with her. She talked alot of crap about him and just about 2 days ago I found out they got back together and she told me "I know but I am in love with him, and hes being so perfect I have to try i just can't walk away."

I can't say I've ever done this. I was in an unhealthy relationship for five years, it ended this october and I don't think I'm still over it. I was pregnant with his kid twice (which unfortunately i lost them both, i had no idea my hormones are messed up long story) and he did some awful things to hurt me and ended up leaving me for a woman with a kid after claiming he wasn't ready for fatherhood when i was still pregnant the second time. (I know your thinking wtf soap opera huh? and his friends say im evil) but to better understand my grief, why do people (because men do this too) stay with someone because "their in love?" I know I know Love is blind but is there anyone out there who does something that is HEALTHY for them and best for their life? That overcame some sort of situation?

I feel I was critized for loving (and i still care about him) and going back to the person who treated me poor because I was so in love, but what about them? I feel they do the same thing. I understand now what its like to be on the outside looking in, and its ugly. Also my ex's new girlfriend who has been harassing me lately, is trying to get pregnant so she can keep him. Women, why do you think if you have a man's child you will keep him? This may be true in some cases cause they do not want to be away from their child but don't you want to know that he loves you for you and not just because of the kid?

I guess what I'm asking for is your opinion because at this point I'm fed up with relationships...I feel like nowadays all girls think that getting pregnant is a way to keep a man or that women are not strong enough because 'they are in love' and so they let someone treat them poorly. Do you people truely exist out there? Are their women I can look up to as strong independent women?

Love? I don't think there is such a thing anymore...[/I][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Katie!]

Okay, well, you're apparently older than I since you've been pregnant twice and I just turned 18 in September, so I don't know if you can really look up to me, but here goes.

I was in a relationship like that for over a year and no matter what my friends said, I couldn't pull myself away. On the outside, I put up a happy facade, and only a few people knew how I really felt about the relationship. As unhappy as he made me, I couldn't bring myself to ending it because he did treat me well, sometimes, and he did things for me. Shallow, I know.

But after talking with my best friend, he helped me realize that the relationship wasn't what I thought it was. He had ended up using me for a lot of things. I thought I was in love so I overlooked all of these things. But once I finally realized he wasn't who I thought he was, I dumped him. Yeah, it was hard, but in the end, I don't regret it. I only regret that I let him manipulate me like he did.

But after I dumped him, I realized that I didn't need him. You don't need any man to make you happy. I have the greatest best friend I could ever ask for. All you really need is a good best friend that will support you no matter what. I found out, the hard way, that my best friend is all I ever need.

So like I said, I'm apparently younger than you, so I don't know if you can really look up to me, but I didn't try to get myself pregnant in order to keep my ex. The thought never even crossed my mind.

[Ol' Fighter]

Alright, I'm a guy, but I sent this to my gf to hear her words about it and here is what she had to say.

Woman nowadays (maybe even before time...) are always trying to fall in love they just don't realize it. I remember saying to myself when it happens it happens and I'll accept it , but when it truly happens it's like a brick hitting you across the face introducing you to your new reality and depending on what type of relationship you have bad or good it can be a pillow or cinder block. I always hated the idea of being stupidly in love with someone, but it happened and we have a daughter together and I am beyond in love with him. I feel like he's a part of me, but I just wanted to say don't give up on love. You may have a crappy relationship here or there, but don't give up. Mr. Right will come your way just be patient, take your time, and don't jump into anything dealing with men to fast.

And I agree with what she said completely. Don't rush into anything serious. Really get to know the person in and out otherwise you getting hurt will be a high probability.

[Skye]

[size=1]Now I have to tell my story. And I guess you could look up to me, in a way.

I just turned 19 about two weeks ago, and have been in the same relationship for the past 8 months with a guy who is amazing. I found him when I finally stopped looking for someone.

The reason I put this up here is because when I started high school, I fell in love with this guy. I dated him for two years straight before I finally said, "No more." He never cheated, but he was physically and emotionally abusive. I kept telling myself that because I loved him, it would be okay, that he would change. It never happened. Because I loved him, I told myself that I even deserved it when he hit me. I would tell myself everything I could think of, that I'd asked for it, that I'd provoked him, when really it was just him being controlling. He'd tell me I was stupid, selfish, worthless, a heartless *****, everything he could think of - and I believed him.

It took prodding from my friends for two years, even though they didn't know about the physical abuse, to break up with him. They knew he was tearing my self-esteem apart and that I was becoming a different person because of him. Most of my friends wouldn't see me or hear from me unless they saw me at school, and then I was quiet - which, as most of the people here know, is NOT like me at all. In the end, I hated myself. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys or hug them because he was afraid I would cheat, which I never did or even thought of doing.

And I finally left him. It was hard, and I jumped into another, better relationship three weeks after I broke up with him - partially because I really liked the guy and partially because I knew that if I didn't emotionally and physically attach myself to someone new, I would just go back to him. That second relationship was comfortable, and I still care about the boy, but it was boring and I knew that eventually it would be time to move on. He saved me from myself, though, and became my protection against my ex. He kept me safe and loved long enough for me to believe in myself again.

The boy I'm with now is a perfect match for me - enough same and different interests to keep things interesting; sweet, funny, kind. And he's helped me LOVE myself again. I would be devestated if we broke up, yes, but I could go on to someone new and better if I had to (Gods forbid). Remember this: you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself.[/size]

[Pumpkin]

[quote name='Ol' Fighter']And I agree with what she said completely. Don't rush into anything serious. Really get to know the person in and out otherwise you getting hurt will be a high probability.[/QUOTE][font=arial narrow][size=2]I forgot to add that I am in a new relationship however I'm taking things very very slow. I'm still in love with my ex however which is the reason why there is so much strain on the new one. I love my new boyfriend, but I don't believe I'm in love with him. I guess it just hurt that I loved someone so much and someone who claimed to love me did those things to me. I never loved someone so much in my life before that and yes I believed he was a part of me too, when he left it was like part of my soul died.

They say everything happens for a reason, and karma's a *****, but sometimes I feel like there isn't one. In fact I'm scared to love anyone even close the way I did I guess you could say, I've become non-attachment kind of person. Citric btw I'm only 22..however I was diagnosed with a hormone problem where apparently birth control doesn't work on me since I was using it at the time lol it happened really fast. I won't go into details...but even if you are young, the fact that you ended something that was with a person who wasn't good to you is aspiring you should know that. Not alot of men or women can say you don't need a person to make you happy. I actually try of think of the women who are going through divorce right now wit 3 children over a guy who cheated on them etc. If they can do it why cant I?

What hurt most I guess, was that he said he would love me cause I had his kid not saying because of me and that's what led me to the question do more people love someone then have kids, or love someone cause they had your kid? I just feel like I wasted five years of my life, and the sad thing is it's actually been six months since we split and it feels like yesterday. Obviously, I have issues since everyone says things are so easy to get over. Whatever I don't care.

OH, FYI my new bf treats me the way I should have been. The only problem is I just wish it could have been the man I wanted to have treated me this way. I guess the main point is I leave myself to blame for the past relationship going bad stating "if only i did this..." it would drive you insane. lol

[/size]
[quote name='Stephanie'][size=1]Now I have to tell my story. And I guess you could look up to me, in a way.

I just turned 19 about two weeks ago, and have been in the same relationship for the past 8 months with a guy who is amazing. I found him when I finally stopped looking for someone.

The reason I put this up here is because when I started high school, I fell in love with this guy. I dated him for two years straight before I finally said, "No more." He never cheated, but he was physically and emotionally abusive. I kept telling myself that because I loved him, it would be okay, that he would change. It never happened. Because I loved him, I told myself that I even deserved it when he hit me. I would tell myself everything I could think of, that I'd asked for it, that I'd provoked him, when really it was just him being controlling. He'd tell me I was stupid, selfish, worthless, a heartless *****, everything he could think of - and I believed him. [/quote][size=2]

I'm sorry he hurt you physically that must have been tough however it kinda sounds like how I was when I lived with my ex. He was controlling, but emotionally. I made excuses that it was my fault all the time, and even now he tells people its my fault. I felt guilty for my pregnancy even because his friends harassed me about it, and said it wasn't his. I guess I just didn't know WHY I deserved the treatment I got since like I said, everything supposedly happens for a reason. And I never got pregnant to trap a man, and I NEVER will. I don't believe in "Staying together for the kids" that's the worse thing you could ever do for your child. EVER. I will not be that mom in my life. [/font][/size]

[James]

[font=franklin gothic medium]In response to the original post, I'm sure that we've all seen (or experienced) some situation where two people stayed together purely out of love, even when they may have been in a very dysfunctional relationship.

Being in that kind of situation is tough, but I think it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And you have to ask yourself - is love enough if you're always being treated poorly?

In terms of pregnancy, I think I can only say the obvious - having children should be a choice you make when you are in a stable situation. I also think that if your relationship is not in a good place, children should be the last thing on your mind.

Having children only places additional pressures on a relationship. Even the very best relationship will be tested with the addition of children, because it's a heavy responsibility and a lot of work - so both parents need to be able to work together and rely on each other.

Using children as a form of emotional blackmail will not only further damage (or destroy) an already-bad relationship, but it is also incredibly unfair on the child themselves.

I understand that accidents can happen, so I know that this is not always a conscious choice - I'm only talking about cases where people deliberately try to get pregnant for the wrong reasons.[/font]

[Zombie_Nosh]

[quote name='Pumpkin'][FONT="Arial Narrow"][SIZE="2"][I]So I have this friend we'll call her "Betty" [/I][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Did she call you "Al"?

[pooperson]

[quote name='Zombie_Nosh']Did she call you "Al"?[/QUOTE]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][SIZE="1"][I]Zing![/I][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Pumpkin]

[quote name='Zombie_Nosh']Did she call you "Al"?[/QUOTE][size=1]Yes, Yes she did infact. ;) [/size]

[jupiter23]

[quote name='Pumpkin'][font=arial narrow][size=2]I forgot to add that I am in a new relationship however I'm taking things very very slow. I'm still in love with my ex however which is the reason why there is so much strain on the new one. I love my new boyfriend, but I don't believe I'm in love with him. I guess it just hurt that I loved someone so much and someone who claimed to love me did those things to me. I never loved someone so much in my life before that and yes I believed he was a part of me too, when he left it was like part of my soul died.

They say everything happens for a reason, and karma's a *****, but sometimes I feel like there isn't one. In fact I'm scared to love anyone even close the way I did I guess you could say, I've become non-attachment kind of person. Citric btw I'm only 22..however I was diagnosed with a hormone problem where apparently birth control doesn't work on me since I was using it at the time lol it happened really fast. I won't go into details...but even if you are young, the fact that you ended something that was with a person who wasn't good to you is aspiring you should know that. Not alot of men or women can say you don't need a person to make you happy. I actually try of think of the women who are going through divorce right now wit 3 children over a guy who cheated on them etc. If they can do it why cant I?[/size][/QUOTE]

It sounds to me like you need to take some time away from your current boyfriend as well. If you still have feelings for your ex, then you can't give him the relationship that he deserves right now. The best thing you can do is take some time for yourself. If he cares about you, then he'll understand and wait for you.

[quote name='Pumpkin'][size=2]What hurt most I guess, was that he said he would love me cause I had his kid not saying because of me and that's what led me to the question do more people love someone then have kids, or love someone cause they had your kid? I just feel like I wasted five years of my life, and the sad thing is it's actually been six months since we split and it feels like yesterday. Obviously, I have issues since everyone says things are so easy to get over. Whatever I don't care. [/size][/QUOTE]

And don't ever let anyone tell you that it's easy to get over. The only people who say things like that have never been in that kind of relationship themselves.

And in my opinion, anyone who will only love someone who had their kid is an idiot. You fall in love with a person, not their body. And certainly not what their body can or cannot do or create for you.

[quote name='Pumpkin'][size=2]
I'm sorry he hurt you physically that must have been tough however it kinda sounds like how I was when I lived with my ex. He was controlling, but emotionally. I made excuses that it was my fault all the time, and even now he tells people its my fault. I felt guilty for my pregnancy even because his friends harassed me about it, and said it wasn't his. I guess I just didn't know WHY I deserved the treatment I got since like I said, everything supposedly happens for a reason. And I never got pregnant to trap a man, and I NEVER will. I don't believe in "Staying together for the kids" that's the worse thing you could ever do for your child. EVER. I will not be that mom in my life.[/size][/QUOTE]

And don't worry about what your ex is telling all of his friends. They're all stupid if they could harrass and verbally attack a pregnant woman, especially when she's already emotionally traumatized from a previous miscarriage. The people that really care about you already know what the situation is and what you are really like, and they know that none of what he's saying is true. Theirs are the opinions that matter.