Serious Help Needed: Friendship Problems...>.<

[sakazaki]

[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"](I'm sorry if this post is in the wrong place...)

I just transferred to a new school in the beginning of this year. Everything was going on really well since that. I prefer knowing and keeping a small circle of friends, so, in my new school, I met a few of them; eight friends that I love and trust dearly. I'm truly grateful for that.

But recently, there is this one friend...let's name her as Kate for now...just thinking of her irritates me. She was tolerable at first but now, day after day, it seems harder and harder to cope with her attitude. She's not a bad person. She's just, I don't know. I feel very annoyed. My friends think the same way towards her too...

Like for instance, she drags my friends and to join or participate something without our consent. Just this week, my school's Chinese Society Club was planning for their Lantern Festival event, and one of my friends is the organizer for it. So, Kate got interested and started submitting our names for a performance in that event without asking our permissions first. After we knew that we done that, we tried telling her that we really did not want to perform. But she was so persistent. Whatever we say, she wouldn't listen...she would just give other reasons to counter us. That wasn't the first time. There was another time where she did the same thing for a chess competition. She submitted my name for it without me actually agreeing to join the competition. In the end, I was forced to go and accompany her.

Also, she's loud. She was loud to begin with. But she's getting more and more out of control recently. It's like, she wants the whole world to know what she's going through and stuff. For example, a few days ago, Kate and her mom got into a big fight, and she wasn't happy about it. She was telling us about it in a very loud manner, so loud that other students in my school actually came and 'listened' to her (in other words, not minding their own business). Funny. She told us not to tell other people anything about what she said, but she was the one actually blurting every single thing out for the world to hear.

Besides that, she's very very irritating. She still talks when u specifically told her to shut up and that happens for most of the time. You tell her to go 'shh', she will go quiet but then she'll start talking again. Then, she over reacts. Like there was this time she was over reacting about what happened between Kate and her other friend. She was like, "...that's the girl who made me cry." And the reason she cried is because the other friend did not want to help pass some papers to the teacher. Kate is being boastful recently too. She talks about herself. Everything was on her. Even some of my classmates came up to me and asked why does she act that way.

Then there's one thing I hate about her. It's when I call her to stop doing something, she won't listen. She likes to hug me...if she hugs me normally, I won't mind. But she hugs me aggressively. I hate that. I had a bad experience when I was fifteen, and so, I really don't like people hugging me forcefully. Kate likes to place her cheek onto mine so that there's some skin contact. I tried to struggle but she would just forcefully continue doing that. My friend knew about my past...but she doesn't (because I don't intend to tell her, she's loud, remember?)...so, they have to pull her away for me before I enter into trauma mode.

Right now, we're seriously reconsidering to end our friendship with her. We plan to tell her nicely about how we feel about her and stuff on this Monday. And if she still doesn't change after that, then, we're certain that our friendship with her will end.

My question is...
1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?

Gosh, I don't know. Right now, I feel like ending this friendship too. It's stressing me out. So, help will be very appreciated. Thanks. [/font][/size][/color]

[OMNOMNOMALY]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"](I'm sorry if this post is in the wrong place...)


My question is...
1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?

Gosh, I don't know. Right now, I feel like ending this friendship too. It's stressing me out. So, help will be very appreciated. Thanks. [/font][/size][/color]
[/quote]

[font="Garamond"]Haha, wow, quite the read. I had a similar-ish experience back in high school so I'll try to let you know how that went

1) Interesting. As an only child myself, I've never really had socializing problems like this, though probably because I was in daycare and meeting other kids and figuring stuff out by the time I was 2. But, as I've been told, many people have met 'weird' only children or just kids who do not know how to deal with others, so as much as I'd say, naw, being an only child doesn't make a difference, you know what, it might actually be a factor in all of this.

2) Alright this is something I know more about. In grade 11 my best friend and I had a friend who just drove us absolutely up the wall and she wanted to hang out with us every lunch hour. By the time we got fed up with it, we were literally running away from her before she could find us and ignoring her calls. So you have to own up, don't pussyfoot around the problem. When we finally dealt with it, she was livid and so confused as to why we ran away from her that the conversation took on a whole other level of awkward. So you need to be firm but nice. Don't point a finger at her, but use 'I' a lot. I feel, I think, when you do ____. it makes me ____, etc. Don't use 'we' a lot, everybody should take up their grievances but when you say we it's sort of like ganging up on somebody. And nothing will make someone withdraw more than when they feel targeted and bullied. Nobody likes being ganged up on, it sucks. I wouldn't respond well to it, I don't think anybody would. It's going to seem like that anyway since there are 7 of you with problems against just her.

3) no, this is just brutal and alienating. I think you should just tell her why you have problems with her, why you wouldn't want to hang out with her anymore, and if possible, what she can do to change it. Do you think she'd be open to change? Do you think you could suggest what she could do to improve her socializing skills so that she wouldn't bother you anymore?

4) no no no especially not with the whole group of you, that is definitely bullying. I get that she annoys you, I get that she's not picking up on other cues but you need to be firm but not unkind.

This is a really really tough situation, when I dealt with it my friend involved didn't change right away. But she did improve. There could be stuff going on at home with your friend, you don't know the whole story either so if you can salvage the friendship, I'd suggest to try. But be firm with your problems and what you want and what you feel.[/font] Edited August 21, 2010 by White

[CaNz]

I really dislike it when people badmouth their friends.
you might not like her, but she probably still considers you a good friend, but behind her back she is getting bashed. even strangers now get to see what an awful person she is. Real friends are trustworthy, and if your going so far as writing a page of hate on a forum, i cant imagine what else you might have done... though worst of all every one of your friends agree with you. she probably thinks she has a close group of friends when all she has is a bunch of immature schemers waiting to stick a knife in her back (as nicely as possible, sorry.)

if you have a problem with a friend, the friendly thing to do is tell them. By ignoring it or allowing them to think its no big deal when their friendship depends on it, you forced this to happen.

so go ahead and break up this friendship as soon as possible. having no friends at all is much better than being friends with you. Edited August 21, 2010 by CaNz

[OMNOMNOMALY]

[quote name='CaNz' date='21 August 2010 - 10:52 AM' timestamp='1282409572' post='699697']
if you have a problem with a friend, the friendly thing to do is tell them. By igonoring it or allowing them to think its no big deal when there friendship depends on it, you forced this to happen.

[/quote]

[font="Garamond"]Actually, this I agree with really strongly. You've let it fester. It's really hard with friends to tell them when they're no longer being good friends to you, but by holding it back from telling them and instead passing your grievances around with your other friends, you're being pretty crappy. Should've talked to her directly about it before it got to this point where you're all really bitter towards her and wanting the friendship to end. Everyone loses when you feel like you can't be honest with each other.

I've been on the receiving end of this after people talked amongst each other about their grievances with me, rather than to me, and the friendship has been strained ever since. [/font]

[PiroMunkie]

[color="#006400"][font="Arial"]While I can understand your frustration with having such boisterous friend, you know you did something wrong somewhere when you piss off CaNz.[/font][/color]

[Sangome]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]Well, CaNz, I agree with your sentiment to an extent...however, I don't think she should be barred from "NEVER ASKING FOR HELP ABOUT FRIENDS EVER".

Don't get me wrong, though -- I agree that she[?] probably should have taken this somewhere more confidential, like in a private conversation with friends [whether the friends know this friend can be optional, since seeking advice outside of your normal group of peers can help sometimes]. Like White, I've been on the receiving end of the festering negative feelings, too [kinda going through it right now, actually...], and it sucks.

Anyway, it's all done and over with now, so I might as well give my two cents.[/font][/color]

[quote]1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?[/quote]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]Case by case basis. Someone with a lot of siblings could also very easily act this way -- I highly doubt it's restricted to a single-child household. I'm also an only child -- with Asperger's Syndrome, no less -- and have never acted the way your friend does [although I can get kinda loud without meaning to]. In fact, I'm the polar opposite -- I'm [i]painfully[/i] shy. I mean, it [i]could[/i] be a factor, but it might not be. I just don't want you going around going "ONLY CHILDREN ARE SO WEIRD AND AGGRAVATING", 'cause that's just an unfair stereotype, y'know? [then again, pretty much all stereotypes are unfair. You get what I mean, though].[/font][/color]

[quote]2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?[/quote]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]Well, first, figure out what kind of environment you'd want to be in before confronting her about her attitude. Do both of you [or the rest of your friends, maybe] have AIM/YIM/MSN, or some sort of IM service? I myself have found myself much more able to get my points across in a fairly calm, rational, and well put together manner when I'm doing it through text, though that's most likely due to my circumstances that I outlined above. Maybe next time she does something, you can calmly say "Hey, could you stop doing that? It's kinda frustrating" or something like that.[/font][/color]

[quote]3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?[/quote]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]This is a really sticky one. I can definitely understand needing a break from specific friends, but if you [i]all[/i] were avoiding her, she'd definitely figure out that something was up. I doubt she could be [i]that[/i] stupid. If it were you as an individual, I'd possibly suggest it, but as a group? No. That's just mean.[/font][/color]

[quote]4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?[/quote]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]No no no no NO that is horrible and I have no idea how you could possibly think that that's a good idea. I can definitely understand that keeping your temper under control is easier said than done for a lot of people, but resorting to physical violence? You realize that could easily net you a nice little assault charge, yes? She might be annoying, but it's [i]not[/i] worth getting physically violent over. No. Just no.

Like White said, she could be going through stuff at home right now that you don't know about, causing her to act this way. It's always good to keep that in mind. Even if that's not the case, you don't want to risk it. [Although I don't think that's an excuse to take it out on her friends. I realize it's hard keeping it in, though.]

I'm not sure what to tell you. It would be easier if it was just between you and her, but since it seems like you've got your whole group of friends against her, that seems...well, mean. Do you have any friends that don't know her, or know her but not as well as you do, to talk to? An unbiased opinion would help, yes, but I don't think a forum with a bunch of strangers is really the place to do so.

This has been really thought-provoking, though. Makes me think about how I deal with situations involving friends. I'm actually going through something similar right now, although the circumstances and actions done are a far cry from yours. I'd rather not get into it, though -- both because of what CaNz said [this really isn't the place for it], but I'm already blue in the face from talking about it with other friends.[/font][/color] Edited August 21, 2010 by Sangome

[PiroMunkie]

[quote name='Sangome' date='21 August 2010 - 02:32 PM' timestamp='1282419123' post='699704'][color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]Case by case basis. Someone with a lot of siblings could also very easily act this way -- I highly doubt it's restricted to a single-child household. I'm also an only child -- with Asperger's Syndrome, no less -- and have never acted the way your friend does [although I can get kinda loud without meaning to]. In fact, I'm the polar opposite -- I'm [i]painfully[/i] shy, I mean, it [i]could[/i] be a factor, but it might not be. I just don't want you going around going "ONLY CHILDREN ARE SO WEIRD AND AGGRAVATING", 'cause that's just an unfair stereotype, y'know? [then again, pretty much all stereotypes are unfair. You get what I mean, though].[/font][/color][/quote]
[color="#006400"][font="Arial"]Honestly, I don't understand where the whole "Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?" even came from in his original post. There was no mention of anything in the post that would even make that question a relevant follow-up. Just sounds like the OP is over-rationalizing the situation. It's possible that this friend might have some social ineptitude, but to think that comes from having no siblings seems a bit shallow. I could come up with other possible influences, but being that it's purely speculation I'll hold my tongue.

You either want to continue being friends with this person, or you don't. If you do, you should probably do it in a format sort of like an intervention, lol. Keep it private so she doesn't feel like she's being exposed (as in, not in a public area), and keep it personal. And by "keep it personal," I mean listen to White when he said don't use pronouns like "we" and "us" (and that goes for everyone in your circle of friends). And each of you should explain your feelings one at a time (again, so she doesn't feel like she's being ganged up on). Let her know how her behavior affects [i]you[/i]. Don't be mean or angry about it, just make it clear that it causes you a lot of stress.

I can't really speak from any experience in these sort of matters, but that's just my thoughts for what it's worth.[/font][/color]

[eleanor]

Lol I see no harm talking about something like this here.

If she annoys you that much, there is a 95% chance she will continue to annoy you even if you have a talk about it with her. Anyways, seeing as how you never even liked her to begin with, she was just "tolerable," I don't see much basis for a great friendship here. Then again I'm really ******* picky when it comes to friends, so if I don't click with someone right away and think they're awesome I don't bother.


Her actions come from something deeper than "she's just an annoying person" and unless you want to be one of those once-in-a-lifetime friends I'd just end it. Edited August 21, 2010 by eleanor

[CaNz]

[quote name='Sangome' date='21 August 2010 - 12:32 PM' timestamp='1282419123' post='699704']
[color="#9932cc"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]Well, CaNz, I agree with your sentiment to an extent...however, I don't think she should be barred from "NEVER ASKING FOR HELP ABOUT FRIENDS EVER".

Don't get me wrong, though -- I agree that she[?] probably should have taken this somewhere more confidential, like in a private conversation with friends [whether the friends know this friend can be optional, since seeking advice outside of your normal group of peers can help sometimes]. Like White, I've been on the receiving end of the festering negative feelings, too [kinda going through it right now, actually...], and it sucks. [/font][/color]
[/quote]
yeah, i was wrong to have put that feeling out there (i really didn't intend to)
really i was just trying to give my opinion on the matter which was that these arnt really honest questions and are merly more badmouthing, which was 100% of the first part of the post.

if she really was a friend at all, she might say i have a friend i am not getting along with, she does "things" (instead of listing them all, an obviously uncalled for and petty move) and then list the questions.
though when i saw the questions i was even more frustrated because most of them were more badmouthing.
[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 07:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686'][color="#2f4f4f"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]
My question is...
1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?[/font][/size][/color]
[/quote]
1) a slightly offensive to some, steriotype aimed at abusing a family issue she may or may not have had. what kind of answer can you give to that? she obviously just wanted another dig.
2)the only real question, however it puts the blame entirly on her friend, this one is not that bad aand i appologise for making it seem like no one could answer it.
3)i dont see how you could even mention his without being cruel. this is just another dig, as if saying she deserves to be ignored.
4)violence? really? this is just a pathetic attept to gain a justification for more cruelty, luckly everyone here knows better than to encorage that. there is always a better way to treat someone who thinks of you as a friend. (and that better way could be explained two questions earlier)

i only answered the second question, and in my opinion that was end it by any method as quickly as possible, because this friendship is not making her happy, and it is cruel to the friend.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='sakazaki'][color="#2f4f4f"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"](I'm sorry if this post is in the wrong place...)

I just transferred to a new school in the beginning of this year. Everything was going on really well since that. I prefer knowing and keeping a small circle of friends, so, in my new school, I met a few of them; eight friends that I love and trust dearly. I'm truly grateful for that.

But recently, there is this one friend...let's name her as Kate for now...just thinking of her irritates me. She was tolerable at first but now, day after day, it seems harder and harder to cope with her attitude. She's not a bad person. She's just, I don't know. I feel very annoyed. My friends think the same way towards her too...[/font][/size][/color][/quote]
[FONT=Calibri]So basically you're telling us that you formed your 'circle of friends' before you knew who you'd selected.

Hunh.[/FONT]

[1toughCookie]

Okay, I know you have already gotten alot of responses to your question but I don't think one more will hurt.
First off, I understand where you are coming from. I am currently in a similar situation with a friend and trying to figure things out for myself.
Now, as for your situation I think it is best to be open to your friend, let her know what is bugging you and your friends in a non threatening manner. She obviously still sees you as a friend so it would be a stab in the back to suddenly be mean or end the friendship. Although your feelings toward her are otherwise treat her with respect.
As for the hugging thing I [i]completely[/i] understand where you are coming from. You don't have to tell her exactly the reasons why you are uncomfortable with this physical contact but don't lie to her either. Simply tell her that you need to set boundries and you can keep your reasons to yourself. If she is truly your friend she will respect your privacy.
That is about all I can say on the issue. I hope this helped. Edited August 21, 2010 by 1toughCookie

[The Tentacle]

I've had similar problems with an old co-worker and if your situation is anything like mine (and it sounds like it is) the best thing you can do is confront the issue directly.  Otherwise you're going to end up resenting your friend until something happens to break the last straw, set you off and then things will get really ugly.

I hate to sound cold or harsh with this but if you really can't coexist with your friend you're both better off parting ways.  That said this isn't something you should settle on so quickly.  Like I said, confront your friend and let her know that her behavior is becoming a problem.  

The whole issue of her making decisions on your behalf without your consent and the unwelcome physical contact are things she can and should respect your wishes on.  Those are definitely no one, friend or otherwise, has any right to take with you.

As for the loudness, well I doubt that's going to change.  That sort of behavior is just "in their nature" for some people.  Asking them to stop behaving a certain way is tatamount to asking a bird to stop flying.  If you're truly someone's friend you'll overlook such flaws and accept them for who they are.  If not then friendship just isn't possible in the first place.

If you confront her, speak openly without being rude or condescending then she should get your point and take some sort of action to amend the situation.  But if her behavior persists then you shouldn't feel guilty about ending your friendship with her.  The fault lies with her.  Friendship is give & take.  If she can't respect your wishes then she obviously doesn't place much value on your relationship.  You don't need friends like that. Edited August 22, 2010 by The Tentacle

[chibi-master]

I agree with CaNz about badmouthing "friends." If you had once considered her a friend, think of WHY you did. If you can't think of anything, then you brought this upon yourself. Find out if someone has a tolerable personality before getting attached.

I feel sorry for the girl you're talking about. She may be annoying, but now you and the rest of your group want to cut off ties with her and leave that girl [b]after knowing her since the beginning of the year[/b] with no friends? And why? Because you decided to buddy up with someone without knowing the extent of their personality? You should have set boundaries as soon as you got close enough to call these 8 people(which I assume includes her?) "friends that I love and trust dearly."

[eleanor]

[quote name='Allamorph' date='21 August 2010 - 07:15 PM' timestamp='1282432559' post='699713']
[FONT=Calibri]So basically you're telling us that you formed your 'circle of friends' before you knew who you'd selected.

Hunh.[/FONT]
[/quote]

lol mte, but it happens to everyone. form friend group, there is one friend everyone hates.

[The Spectacular Professor]

[quote name='eleanor' date='21 August 2010 - 06:08 PM' timestamp='1282439298' post='699721']
lol mte, but it happens to everyone. form friend group, there is one friend everyone hates.
[/quote]
[font="Comic Sans MS"]Isn't there a Dane Cook monologue about that?[/font]

[eleanor]

[quote name='NeedMoarRope' date='22 August 2010 - 01:39 AM' timestamp='1282455576' post='699727']
[font="Comic Sans MS"]Isn't there a Dane Cook monologue about that?[/font]
[/quote]

yes. remember when people thought dane cook was funny? haha

[Cat]

1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
This can apply to some case not all. There are also people who have siblings who can act the same way you have said.

2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
Just calmly say it straight out and discuss what the issues are. There could be miscommunication happening some where and both of you just might not know it. The best thing is to take things gradually.

3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
You shouldn't avoid her. Its just plain rude and mean. I understand your not getting along but this would add to the miscommunication. Its like adding more fuel to the fire. Eventually, your going to get burned.

4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?
No to yelling and no to physical contact. Again it going to blow up in your face. I have a feeling this is all a communication issue. Some where something isn't getting across. It also doesn't sound like she has harmed you in any way. Inconvenience you yes, but not harm.

From what it sounds like your more annoyed with her then anything else. She sounds like she really hasn't done anything wrong. Your personalities just don't work. If it was me I wouldn't have got the rest of the group involved. You each should deal with it one on one with her. Right now it sounds like your all going to gang up on her, if she doesn't magically change overnight it through. Especially, if she doesn't know whats happening or the cause of your friendship breaking. No offense, it sounds like you want there to be a fight of some sort. This is the only thing I can think of when you ask a question like the fourth one you asked.

I'm having a similar problem but on a far higher level. I'm dealing with it semi peacefully. It more complicated then your friendship. Lets just say "I'm running out of room for all these knives in my back." Quote from the Wednesday 13 song, With Friends Like These. I mean quite literal with the knife.

[Heaven's Cloud]

[quote name='NeedMoarRope' date='22 August 2010 - 01:39 AM' timestamp='1282455576' post='699727']
[font="Comic Sans MS"]Isn't there a Dane Cook monologue about that?[/font]
[/quote]
[color=indigo]Yep, it is the Karen, monologue, and it is hilarious.

I often wonder why Dane Cook went from being so beloved to so hated so quickly. I really think that people don't like how popular he became (and the fact that his movies all suck). His stand-up is still really solid, and he is a great story teller on stage.

As far as the original post goes, I don't really have much in a way of comment other than what I believe to be a fairly obvious question. If you are able to ostracize this person from your group aren't you worried that you'll become the most annoying person in your circle of friends? I'm only saying this because if I found out one of my friends was totally slamming another one of my friends (even if I found her extremely annoying as well) on the internet I would probably develop some serious trust issues.

[/color]

[Gavin]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 03:43 PM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]My question is...
1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work?

Gosh, I don't know. Right now, I feel like ending this friendship too. It's stressing me out. So, help will be very appreciated. Thanks. [/font][/size][/color]
[/quote]
[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]
1] No more than youngest children, eldest children or middle children.

2] Be honest, tell her your problems with her behaviour and politely ask her to stop, if she does not well perhaps it's time to end your friendship.

3] Not a great idea, dealing with her honestly is probably the most permanent solution.

4] Not unless you want to make a spectacle of yourself, you've said you don't like it when she's loud so why would you use the same tactics ?[/size][/font]

[Horendithas]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]Like for instance, she drags my friends and to join or participate something without our consent. Just this week, my school's Chinese Society Club was planning for their Lantern Festival event, and one of my friends is the organizer for it. So, Kate got interested and started submitting our names for a performance in that event without asking our permissions first. After we knew that we done that, we tried telling her that we really did not want to perform. But she was so persistent. Whatever we say, she wouldn't listen...she would just give other reasons to counter us. That wasn't the first time. There was another time where she did the same thing for a chess competition. She submitted my name for it without me actually agreeing to join the competition. In the end, I was forced to go and accompany her.
[/font][/size][/color][/quote]
[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]First time I could see you relenting and giving in. Second time, you encouraged the behavior by not removing yourself from the competition and kindly, yet sternly letting your friend know it's not acceptable for her to sign you up for stuff without your permission. You can say you were forced, but on some level you allowed it. So the second time that is partly your fault as well as hers.[/font][/color]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]Then there's one thing I hate about her. It's when I call her to stop doing something, she won't listen. She likes to hug me...if she hugs me normally, I won't mind. But she hugs me aggressively. I hate that. I had a bad experience when I was fifteen, and so, I really don't like people hugging me forcefully. Kate likes to place her cheek onto mine so that there's some skin contact. I tried to struggle but she would just forcefully continue doing that. My friend knew about my past...but she doesn't (because I don't intend to tell her, she's loud, remember?)...so, they have to pull her away for me before I enter into trauma mode.
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[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]You don't have to tell her about your past to let her know that intense hugging makes you uncomfortable. Nor do you have to allow it. You can push her away and remind her that it's not acceptable with you and that you can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect that.[/font][/color]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]My question is...
1) Does being the only child in the family might actually cause her to act that way?
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[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]Does refusing to be firm and not follow through on stuff like, being signed up for something without your permission, make YOU a pushover and therefore act the way you do? Bottom line, don't go looking to find an [i]excuse[/i] for her behavior or [i]your[/i] inability to be firm with your own boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. Don't fall back on the oh it's just cause she's an only child. Or I only hate agressive hugging because of a bad experience.

If she signs you up for stuff again, go and politely remove yourself from it instead of allowing yourself to be forced. If she keeps hugging you, put your foot down and explain that you can't be friends with someone who insists on doing stuff you don't like. [/font][/color]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]
2) How should we talk to her nicely about asking her to change or something like that? Like, how should we start and how to go on from there?
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[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]That's really self explanatory. Tell her what bothers you. Tell her that you value your friendship but these things are something you are unwilling to accept. Try to be nice and not point fingers but instead let her know that you don't want things like that coming between you anymore.[/font][/color]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
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3) I know ignoring won't work, but we're pretty attached too, so, is there a way for us to avoid her or something?
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[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]Avoiding someone is a form of ignoring. So you may as well get it out there instead of letting it degrade into even more of a mess.[/font][/color]

[quote name='sakazaki' date='21 August 2010 - 08:43 AM' timestamp='1282401791' post='699686']
[color="#2F4F4F"][size="2"][font="Tahoma"]
4) Do you think that being seriously pissed while explaining to her, like yelling and maybe getting a little physical after a few days of explaining to her in a nice manner will work? [/font][/size][/color][/quote]
[color="#4B0082"][font="Arial"]Lawl. You honestly think treating her in the same manner that you dislike a lot is gonna help? That's like saying, you can't do it to me but I'll do it to you and shove off, etc. Keep it as polite and nice as possible. Treat her the same way you would want to be treated.

In the end, if they keep forcefully hugging and signing you up without your permission, cut the ties and move on. [/font][/color]