Writing Fallen

[Blue]

[center]Some more lyrics from me. This time it's satanic in theme. I'm quite sure by reading it you can get the gist of the message. No I'm not a devil worshiper, it's actually more about sins and repulsive desires and feelings.

Majesty
Pray for me
Pour yourself into me
Wield your power
Most prideful
Stare me down
To the ground

Fixation grows this sinner
Sleeping with thirst
For eternal wealth
Heathen around my neck
This poetry of blasphemy
Knows the sound of infamy


This contract sealed with crimson blood
With this conjuration I shall bind
Legions of blasphemers I will lead
This sword in my mouth decrees for domination
The kingdom of retribution belongs to me
From my cauldron I bring forth unholy indignation


Tell me why
Love subsides
In the night
Whisper my name
Soothe the pain
Clear the mist
In my head
Unforgivable sin
Hatred in this vein
Release thy burden
Ascend to the fallen
[/center]

[Vicky]

I'm making my way through the Anthology for people who don't have any comments =D

I liked parts of this but I wasn't too sure. The things is I'm more versed in poetry and accustomed to poetry - and of course the 'lyric' form of poetry, but it obviously differs from lyrics today. I can only comment and critic on what I know.

Firstly the structure hitched me. Normally short lines emphasis a particular meaning and are there for a particular reason - you use a lot of short lines, three or four words, but they're not emphasizing any phrase that stands out in your lyrics. I can see for the last stanza or verse you've split the lines to make them rhyme, but then it gives the impression your rhyme is forced - this shouldn't be the case. The last rhyming couplets are chunky and obvious - 'burden' and 'fallen' are almost a little cliched. You could probably try and combine the shorter lines and create a better effect with the grammar and punctuation rather than opting for short three word lines - this is pretty debatable though, because the punctuation means your lyrics are more effective read than heard out loud.

Your third stanza is perhaps the best out of this. The language is good ndthe metaphors are quite creative - this stands out as being the most original in the piece. The rest, unfortunately, echoes cliches, themes and feelings that have been written before. I would definitely stick to the sort of... errm... mentality (?) of the third stanza. It's definitely a notch above the shorter lines.

Hope that helps at least =).