How Do I Do This?!

[chibi-master]

I've just been told by my mom that I will be forced to come out of the closet to my dad. She's angry at me and this was what she chose to punish me with. I wish she had shot me dead instead. I don't know what to do about this! I'm terrified!

She just stood there bragging about how my hiding places for my diaries and journals were pathetic and how she had read all of them. I'm not sure whether to be angry or scared now. Maybe both?

I'm really not ready for this and I don't feel like I should be forced! Who should I go to for help?! Edited May 12, 2011 by chibi-master

[Gavin]

[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]Are you afraid your father will react violently to this chibi? Would you be able to get some neutral third party to be present when you have to do this, maybe like a member of the local police or a teacher to ensure nothing happens? I think you should most certainly be angry with your mother over this, in fact I think you should be absolutely furious she's invaded your privacy to this extent and acted in this manner. If you don't feel you're ready for this then you're not, and no you absolutely shouldn't be forced into it.

My suggestion remains speak to a third party outside your parents, someone who doesn't share their views on your sexuality and see what they have to say, and if they'll be there when you do this. It not only gives you someone there who is on your side but might rein in your parents a bit. I know a lot of gay children are terrified to come out to their parents out of what they'll think or how they'll react but if you're really convinced your parents will react as badly as you believe, maybe you should also consider speaking to a local attorney about setting up legal safeguards for your protection. [/size][/font]

[Korey]

[font="Tahoma"]The simple fact that your mother let her anger control her decision to make you out your sexuality to your father is rather saddening and while she may have said that she's read all your diaries and journals and whatnot, I hardly believe that's the case. My mom uses the same tactics for me and I call them "Omniscient Mom" threats- where your mother says that she knows things about you when she really doesn't and uses an empty threat to persuade you to do something she likes.

That said, I think the best thing to do is to grab a trusted adult who already knows this information about you or that you trust not to judge you harshly to be a third party present(Lawyers and Cops may be a bit extreme and for the ex post facto) when you do finally decide to reveal your sexuality. Now, in an ideal situation, your parents should understand and appreciate your independent choices as a young adult and value honesty above all things, but with the situation you described that might not be the case. Either way, I believe it's important for you to be open and honest, not for your parents' sake but for your own sake. You might burn a few bridges, but at least you have inner peace within yourself knowing that you were open to your family and that you're not living a lie that so many people (read: politicians) have done in the past.

Overall though, this little tiff seems like it was just anger and frustration that turned violent and caused people to say things they may not have necessarily meant. If you address this with your mother in a calm, adult manner- regardless of her reaction- then you can resolve the situation on your own terms.

Keep your chin up, kiddo! :)[/font]

[chibi-master]

[quote name='Gavin' timestamp='1305200834' post='707297']
[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]Are you afraid your father will react violently to this chibi? Would you be able to get some neutral third party to be present when you have to do this, maybe like a member of the local police or a teacher to ensure nothing happens? I think you should most certainly be angry with your mother over this, in fact I think you should be absolutely furious she's invaded your privacy to this extent and acted in this manner. If you don't feel you're ready for this then you're not, and no you absolutely shouldn't be forced into it.
[/size][/font]
[/quote]
I don't think my father would react violently, but something weird has been going on with my mom and I think she may. I think I'm going to try and get my counselor involved, but my mom hates to have people outside theimmediate family come into a situation like this. However, at this point I'm beyond caring about what she wants from this.

[quote name='NotBoo' timestamp='1305216661' post='707300']
[font="Tahoma"]
Overall though, this little tiff seems like it was just anger and frustration that turned violent and caused people to say things they may not have necessarily meant. If you address this with your mother in a calm, adult manner- regardless of her reaction- then you can resolve the situation on your own terms.
[/font]
[/quote]
I would usually think so, but over the last 3 months, my mom has been acting stranger and stranger. She's starting to scare the entire family, but she refuses to let anyone seek help. It's now impossible to hold a conversation with her unless you want to end up in a screaming match over any unrelated subject. My counselor's trying to ask Social Services what can be done here. I'm getting really freaked out by my mom now and I think it might be safer for me to run to a friend's house at some point...

[Gavin]

[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]To be blunt chibi, if you're worried that your mother may react violently then it's irrelevant that she dislikes outsiders being present for family matters. As you said, she's becoming less normal with the passage of time and has already decided to force you into something you don't feel prepared for so having a third party there to ensure the peace is sensible. Maybe you should stay with your friend until you're prepared to tell your father and explain to him that your mother's behaviour of late has left you feeling unsafe at home, particularly in forcing you to come out to him. If he's a rational man he should at least be willing to acknowledge that. [/size][/font]

[Sangome]

[color="#9932CC"][font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]I was going to suggest the same thing. She's obviously not in her right mind right now, so I think it's best you get to some place safe first, if at all possible.[/font][/color]

[chibi-master]

I think a crisis may just have been averted! I had a talk with my dad about my mom going through my diaries and journals. He agreed that she's gone off her rocker, and he also believes that she's being irrational. I think I might not have to talk to him about my homosexuality or anything else! For now, the whole family is walking on eggshells, trying very hard not to provoke any kind of meltdown in my mom. I don't know yet how to handle this when she realizes that I didn't talk to my dad about my homosexuality... I'm worried she may try to tell him herself... However, he probably would just think she's having some sort of "episode" again where she starts spewing cruel things that simply aren't true. *fingers crossed*

[James]

[font="Palatino Linotype"]Good luck, chibi. I really can't in good conscience give you much detailed advice here, because this is a serious real-world situation and I don't know you in the real-world.

All I can really do is wish you luck and just say that if you do think things are starting to get seriously bad with your mother, then you should definitely a) talk to your dad in the first instance, b) talk to another family member in the second instance (an auntie or uncle maybe) or c) talk to your counselor if all-else fails.

I think in these situations the worst thing you can do is actually not reach out and talk to people. So as I said, best of luck chibi. :)[/font]

[Lilt]

[b]Good luck from me too, chibi. We're all here for you okay? Although I hope this doesn't involve your internet getting taken away or anything again. If that doesn't happen though, try to get in touch.

I'm glad the disaster has been averted too, but is there anyway you can carefully approach the subject of sexuality with your dad to see how he feels? Because it sounds like you might want to tell him in the future about all of this so you don't have to worry about your mom telling your father or holding it over your head that she'll tell him.

Last of all, I hope everything works out and you stay safe! *Big Hugs*[/b]

[Noir]

I'll wish you luck. Hopefully this won't end bad.

[chibi-master]

[quote name='Lilt' timestamp='1305305202' post='707323']
[b]I'm glad the disaster has been averted too, but is there anyway you can carefully approach the subject of sexuality with your dad to see how he feels? Because it sounds like you might want to tell him in the future about all of this so you don't have to worry about your mom telling your father or holding it over your head that she'll tell him.[/b]
[/quote]
I already tried and he's made it quite clear that I'd be the shame of the family. I'm not going to ever tell him, I think.

I managed to go the whole weekend without telling him or being forced to do so. The last part was mostly because I was never in the same room as my mom for more than 30 seconds all weekend. I'm getting better at hiding.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this all gets forgotten by her, but I don't know...

[PiroMunkie]

[quote name='chibi-master' timestamp='1305518271' post='707384']I already tried and he's made it quite clear that I'd be the shame of the family. I'm not going to ever tell him, I think.[/quote][color="#006400"]
Just out of curiosity, how do you [i]try[/i] to tell someone that without actually telling them anything? Just bringing it up, even hypothetically, is enough to arouse suspicion, lol. You make it sound like it's more of a "As long as you don't actually come out and say it, I'm okay with it" sort of deal.[/color] Edited May 18, 2011 by PiroMunkie

[fujyoshi]

oh man are your parents some kinda religious? I know that makes everything harder. Good luck wit that though ><

[Dovahkiin]

i hope everything works out for you chibi.....also if you have any pointers could you please help me out. my grandparents don't know about my sexuality and i think my granddad would hit the roof ><;

[Pumpkin]

[font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]O-K, seriously if you've tried talking to your mother and all possible means it sounds like you need to get out of the house. Find somewhere new to live. On a personal level I had to move out young because I'd rather eat chalk dust & nails then live with the folks. Love 'em but they literally are a bunch of kooky nuts like worse then britney spears in the past. So normally I would give you this big speach about how family is important etc. But from what I read it seems like you have tried a) talking to your mom b) talking to ur dad (without revealing ur.."secret") b) talk to another adult about the matter? If all of this has failed...I suggest major life changes for you for YOUR happiness. While you may love your mom, obviously shes upset right now and it might give her some time to cool down. I have a feeling she might be stressed about other matters and maybe taking it out on you it sounds like a little bit. Best of Luck to you and I hope your friends can really pull through. They are the people you need to be leaning on right now =)

P.S. Heres a [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0"][b]A serious guide that has helped me out tremedously in every situation! Enjoy![/b][/url][/font]

[chibi-master]

[quote name='PiroMunkie' timestamp='1305729754' post='707455']
[color="#006400"]
Just out of curiosity, how do you [i]try[/i] to tell someone that without actually telling them anything? Just bringing it up, even hypothetically, is enough to arouse suspicion, lol.[/color]
[/quote]
[spoiler]My Dad use to drink himself into a coma every night and wouldn't remember anything we talked about the next day. I used that to my advantage, I guess, knowing he wouldn't be able to be suspicious about something he couldn't remember.[/spoiler]

[quote name='fujyoshi' timestamp='1306843039' post='707707']
oh man are your parents some kinda religious? I know that makes everything harder. Good luck wit that though ><
[/quote]
They are, to almost a fanatical level.

[quote name='Midget Ninja' timestamp='1306844951' post='707709']
i hope everything works out for you chibi.....also if you have any pointers could you please help me out. my grandparents don't know about my sexuality and i think my granddad would hit the roof ><;
[/quote]
I ended up buying a second-hand book about coming out, and it's in my locker. It helped me sooo much, though it was kind of old. I would say to test the waters by mentioning that a friend of yours recently came out, even if it isn't true. Granted, you may not like how your grandparents react, so be careful not to explode at them over their responses or something, causing them to get suspicious.

[quote name='Pumpkin' timestamp='1306996428' post='707783']
[font="Microsoft Sans Serif"]O-K, seriously if you've tried talking to your mother and all possible means it sounds like you need to get out of the house. Find somewhere new to live.

P.S. Heres a [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0"][b]A serious guide that has helped me out tremedously in every situation! Enjoy![/b][/url][/font]
[/quote]
I'm trying, but I'm only 16 and I'm not allowed to legally leave on my own until I'm 18.

Well, my parents already think I'm the strangest person they've ever met, so I guess that couldn't make it any worse, really. Edited June 2, 2011 by chibi-master

[Dovahkiin]

I came out to my mum yesterday morning, here's the related post [url="http://www.theotaku.com/worlds/cheesblog/view/234974/that_went_better_than_i_had_expected/"]Link~[/url]

[Pumpkin]

[quote name='chibi-master' timestamp='1307014415' post='707790']
[spoiler]My Dad use to drink himself into a coma every night and wouldn't remember anything we talked about the next day. I used that to my advantage, I guess, knowing he wouldn't be able to be suspicious about something he couldn't remember.[/spoiler]


They are, to almost a fanatical level.


I ended up buying a second-hand book about coming out, and it's in my locker. It helped me sooo much, though it was kind of old. I would say to test the waters by mentioning that a friend of yours recently came out, even if it isn't true. Granted, you may not like how your grandparents react, so be careful not to explode at them over their responses or something, causing them to get suspicious.


I'm trying, but I'm only 16 and I'm not allowed to legally leave on my own until I'm 18.

Well, my parents already think I'm the strangest person they've ever met, so I guess that couldn't make it any worse, really.
[/quote]

[size="2"][font="Comic Sans MS"]Do you have a nearby relative/sibling that would be able to take you in perhaps? [/font][/size] Edited June 13, 2011 by Pumpkin

[Drizzt Do'urden]

I'm walking into this waaaaay after the fact, but I do want to tell you that I wish you the best with this Chibi.

I wish I could offer some sort've advice, but the only thing I can do is offer something from my cousin who was terrified to come out to his father based on a friend of his' violent confrontation with his father over the same situation.

Basically what we did is I came to his house, we were 17 at the time, and sort've just played it off as coming to visit. During the course of the evening, I believe the three of us were doing a madden tournament on the original xbox (yes 17 when the original xbox was out, I am that old.) and after a few hours of father son time he just sort've came out with it.

The reason I was there, not that it wasn't a typical weekend to be over there when not a sporting season, was to act as a third party. My uncle is incredibly religious and the type to spout gay slurs every thirty seconds when drinking. There was the more awkward silence I'd ever experienced while the pause screen sort've became a fantasitic metaphor for the stoppage of time at that moment, it wasn't broken between any of us. We did quietly finish out last few games and it was off to bed later that evening with only my cousin and I speaking.

It continued for a couple of days that way, I extended my stay without an invitation as a 'just in case' precaution. Finally the two of them had a sit down while I eavesdropped from the living room. It was a good bit of my uncle backpeddling trying to convince my cousing he wasn't, but my cousin did it right, in my eyes, and didn't judge my uncle for his views. He didn't belittle him and say he was 'to old fashioned, or any other thing to put him down for having his beliefs.

There was some shame at first in my uncles eyes, and I think the typical "who is going to carry on my name" thought crossed his mind several times. Eventually that was replaced with the same love and affection there always was. I'm not saying this solution is right for you, but in my opinion him doing that gave his father a chance to adjust while he was younger. A lot of people wait to long for fear, and its understandable, and then the end result a lot of times is they completly lose their relationship with parent/parents/family. Whereas if its brought out earlier it seems that everybody has a chance to adjust and re-examine their beliefs (which is something everybody needs to do anyways).

Either way, good luck Chibi and keep us posted. A lot of people post a bad situaiton and never follow up so you're left wondering if they're okay or if everything worked out for them.

[chibi-master]

[quote name='Pumpkin' timestamp='1308003415' post='707962']
[size="2"][font="Comic Sans MS"]Do you have a nearby relative/sibling that would be able to take you in perhaps? [/font][/size]
[/quote]
If I did, you can bet I'd be there already.

[quote name='Drizzt' timestamp='1309186463' post='708162']
I'm walking into this waaaaay after the fact, but I do want to tell you that I wish you the best with this Chibi.


Either way, good luck Chibi and keep us posted. A lot of people post a bad situaiton and never follow up so you're left wondering if they're okay or if everything worked out for them.
[/quote]
Thanks, Drizzt. :)

The problem with a third party is that my parents are rediculously against anyone knowing our families problems. When a school guidance counselor called my dad in to talk about a problem with my sister, my dad exploded. He cornered her and demanded to know why "some [i]stranger[/i]" was asking that he skip work to talk about my sisters emotional issues. She was forced to talk about it without a third party. The only reason that my sister is being left alone is because my dad doesn't want to get her serious counseling(again with the refusal to bring in a third party) and he didn't have any idea about how to deal with her problem.

Unfortunately for me, my parents believe they know everything about homosexuality and "what it does to people."

I'm doing okay, though. I'm planning to move into an apartment with a friend when I turn 18. Even then I'm worried that they'll come after me or something, since I'm sure my mom will end up telling my dad about my homosexuality when I move out.