Writing (gets all nervous* er....this is a story..e.r...

[~Mystical Pan~]

for my sparring character Ambika. I forgot the origin of her name but it means Goddess of Destruction. It's a bit on the mature side ok and there is cussing so I apologize in advance for the cuss words. sorry.....this is the bio:

[i]From the depths of the bleak abyss, she rose to claim the power that was rightfully hers. Power which held every horror, yet, delights that beheld beings in every corner of the universe. Yet, only she knew the true extent of the destruction it could cause, it was the only thing she knew how to use. Destruction. It was her being, the every essence of her soul. She knew not of innocence, love, friendship, or the value of family, for the child of destruction had been deprived of all that and much more. In spite of all this, at one point in time, she had known innocence, love, friendship, and value of family, but it was not meant to be.

It was the year 3456 when the world shattered before Ambika?s very eyes. Peace was supposed to be at hand, war from everyone?s simple minds, yet, no one was safe. The city of Rimshall was a beautiful place to live in. It was also the city which held the palace of the great, peaceful nation, Anten. The sky was crystal clear as the sun shone upon the beautiful meadows which was nurtured by the fresh, clean river that formed into a beautifully pure lake after a long tiring journey through the middle of a forest that held many wonders. On the warm, sunny, spring day, the once young Ambika ran down the river to the grand lake. As she circled around the lake, she shrieked in a high pitched voice which would have shook the bravest of men. In a split of a second, a huge cavalry of men on horseback rode behind her. While they galloped behind her, they emitted an air of evil about them. Even the horses themselves did not seem as they were actual animals, they appeared to have malevolent facade. She ran into the city, screaming; her lower body was covered in blood that was none other then her own. Everyone within distance turned toward the screaming, however, before any of them could react, the men rode into the city with torches in their hands. One by one, they slaughter the citizen, burning their houses in the process. They began to rape females of all ages, later killing them once they were through with them. In a matter of mere minutes, the once beautiful, majestic city had turned into an inferno of void which was thought to exist in only nightmares. The 5 year old Ambika had run to the center of the city through different alleys so as not to get caught, frantically looking for her parents. As she spotted the great palace, hope rose in her bosom while she ran up the great stairs, yearning to be embraced in their arms. She dared not look back, afraid that the enemy might be right behind her. The young princess rushed into her parent?s room, where she halted in horror. Lying in the middle bed, her parents laid, slaughtered, covered in crimson liquid. Tears sprang from her eyes, as she beheld the nebulous scene. Suddenly, she felt an arm grab her hard by the shoulders. She was twirled around to find herself in front of one of the tyrants She tried to backed away, however, the hand kept her from moving. The fiend face was harsh which was enhanced by an ugly slash across his right cheek. All of a sudden, he picked her up, pushing her dead parent?s body aside. He threw her on top of the bed then proceeded to rid her of any innocence she had left.

Year is 3470. Ambika, known as the Goddess of Destruction, was searching for the stolen relic that had once belonged to her former parents. It was the only thing left of Rimshall and the former, magnificent nation since all was destroyed afterwards. That was all anyone knew of the enchanting, yet, disdainful female which possessed powers that caused chaos where ever she went. What happened to her after the fall of Rimshall, which instigated a war greater then any war known to the universe, was not known. Some say she craves power to restore Rimshall and her formerly magnificent kingdom, something only the lost relic can do. Others say she sold her soul to the devil when she was on the brink of dying to avenge her enemies which explains her incredible powers. However, no matter what had happened, one thing was certain, she was the evil incarnate, the heart of chaos, and the destruction which was the direct result of the woeful day when all became lost in Anten, an virulent being which could not be stopped till her thirst for bloody revenge was quenched and her lost relic found.[/i]



[b]This is the actual beginning of the story:[/b]


[i]?NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!? a child screamed, horrified, from the inside of the dark room.

All was dark. No light. No hope. No love. Only hate. I can?t stand it. I?m going to die. I can?t stand this loneliness. Gradually, the darkness was replaced by a crimson light of the burning blaze which was eating its way through my former home, my former life. The past became appallingly unambiguous. As I looked around the familiar place that was once my home, my gaze stopped at child of 5 years. With angry tears running down my face, I tried to go to her, to comfort her. But how can I possibly comfort myself?! Nonetheless, I had to try, for who else would?

As the young girl fell to her knees, the searing flames scorched everything in its path. It was obvious she could barely stand up; she must have been too weak. The very walls of the palace crumbled slowly, the heat affected me not, for my mind was on the child who was in middle of the sickening nightmare. Nothing could damage more then the raw evil of mankind at its worse, it had scarred this child?s soul forever. Nonetheless, the smoke kept me from breathing in well, keeping me from the child who lay there on the blistering ground on her knees, struggling for the fresh air that was scarce. Her clothes torn, her face swollen from being beaten, covered in blood. As I continued to gaze, infuriatingly, the young child, looked up at her deceased parents, tears rushing down her cheeks, seemingly, not caring if the fire engulfed her in its path of destruction, barely noticing her own pain and blood. While trying to turn away from her, I found myself that I could not for the life of me, look away from the unmistakable past. Closing her eyes, she began to pound the floor with her small, fragile fists, crying hard then before as I gazed on with a longing to embrace her into my arms. Looking on, everything around her became nebulous, transforming into a pitch, dark room. The image of her mom appeared before the trembling, abandoned child, standing luminously beautiful, in all her glory. She smiled down to her, bringing hope into her heart, into mine. Then she said the only thing that mattered.

?You must live, my child. Don?t let it end like this,? her tender voice said.

?WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MOMMY?? She screamed, rancorously, standing tall as she could. Suddenly, the image of her mother, our mother, began to fade away. She became hysterical and terrified.

?NO!? She cried out, ?DON?T LEAVE ME ALONE?I CAN?T BE ALONE?I DON?T WANT TO BE ALONE?I?M SCARED!?

She threw herself at her, but instead, falling right through the image, she landed hard on the ground. Gathering herself on all her knees and hands, she began to beg again to her own mother, yet, more quietly.

?I?ll do anything, mother. I?ll do whatever you say, just don?t leave me here alone. That?s all I ask. Everyone is gone now, I?m alone. I don?t know where they are. Please?I want to be with you and father! I LOVE YOU BOTH. PLEASE! LET ME BE WITH YOU TWO!?

In spite of all the pleading, she disappeared completely, leaving her young daughter to face her fate by herself. To live in this malicious life with no lending hand to hold on to, I thought with intense antipathy. The small girl pushed herself off her hands while the tears rushed down once more. Then sitting on her legs, she placed her hands of her lap, staring blankly into them.

?Why couldn?t I go with you, mommy?? I asked myself, ?Am I a bad girl? I?m sorry I let that big man touch me like that. I tried to stop him?but?but...he forced me?he hurt me?I told him to stop. I cried and yelled and tried to hit him. But he kept hurting me. Why did he do it, mommy? What did I do to have him to that to me??

My anger intensified as the fire grew more fierce while I watched her place her head into her lap, sobbing harder then before; her shoulders trembled as she fought hard not to recall the thought?s of the monster?s doing.

Unexpectedly I felt the heat once more. I gazed upwards yet again to find myself in the same room where the young child?s parents lay dead, blood dripping off the side of the bed and the child in the middle of the room. Out of nowhere, a huge explosion occurred; the wall to the right hurled itself at the young female; quickly as she could, she moved out of the way. Instinctively, I attempted to run to her and protect her, however, I could not move. My whole body seemed to have decided to betray me then and there. Two larger, violent blasts followed, causing the whole palace to shake uncontrollably. Unexpectedly, a loud crash transpired above her. Horror became visible as she looked up, she gasping at what I also saw. She tried to bring herself to scream as the roof came down on her.

?NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? I screamed to her, ?MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.?

She brought her head up in a quick movement from her pillow into the wood frame of the bunk bed above her.

?****ING BULLSHIT! This is the last ****ing time I sleep in one of these pieces of ****!? she hissed, as she brought her right hand to nurse the throbbing pain in front of her forehead. Breathing in slowly, she wiped the cold sweat from her temple as she lay back down on the pillow that somehow seemed like a rock now. Looking up as she tried slowing her fast beating heart, she began to speak t herself.

?That dream again. ****, why won?t it go away? Damn it. It?s all in the past now. It shouldn?t matter anymore.?

Shaking her head, she closed her eyes tightly, willing herself to sleep again. Yet, she could not. Instead, she sat up, making sure she did not hit herself and got off the bed. She dragged herself to the window where she could see the pitch dark night filled with bright stars. She sighed, kneading her face with her hands. She was fatigued, yet, the recurring dream would not let her rest.

?Come on. Get some ****ing sleep, you stupid ***. Tomorrow is another long day, enjoy the god damned peace.?

However, she knew that wasn?t something she?d never have or want. Life would be too boring if it was too peaceful, she thought, smiling.


March 03, 3470:

The sun poked its face out from the western horizon towards its birthplace, the east. The sunset was a quite a sight to behold for any living creature with its amazing display of delightful colors. The wind blew just right, neither too hard, nor too softly; it was so right, it made the most evil of creatures sigh with delight. The forest below the cliff had a healthy green color to it that brought a smile to any passerby. The air was purely fresh from the forest?s aroma. One could even smell the forest?s enchanting scent from afar since it was increased by the blowing wind. Who could miss its spectacular beauty? Who could not appreciate Anten?s beautiful display of art in its nature? Who could hate something such a wonderful sight of nature?

She did. It disgusted her to the point of vomiting; the whole place caused a stirring of emotions she?d rather not undergo. As she walked, arrogantly, towards the edge of the cliff, she face gave away to a scowl. The cloak swayed against the perfect breeze, making it open just a little to reveal a long, black, skin-tight dress. She brought her right hand towards her face while placing her left hand across her waist. Her left hand held her right elbow as her callous gaze crossed against the lovely scenery which held no interest to her, only pure, unmistakable hatred. Slowly, the long, black sleeve glided down her right arm till her elbow. The visible wrist, which had been concealed at first, had a black bracelet wrapped around it that extended toward her middle finger whereupon it enfolded it as if it were a ring.

Gradually, a light blue mist formed at her feet which began to raise itself then raise itself in a circular movement. She raised her right arm above her head with her palm held toward the sky. As the light blue mist elevated around her, it grew more dense and defined as it reached her open right hand. The dense mist gathered into her hand and changed into a spear shaped object. In an instant, the object transformed into lance made out of fire, its flames searing. With her left arm still positioned around her waist, she took her right arm, brought it down to her side while holding the fire lance palm down, then carried it over to her left side, and hurled it at the forest, down below. Instantaneously, the forest grew into a hellhole which there was no escape from.
Smirking viciously, she turned on her heels, walking from the fiery hell she had fashioned within a few seconds, using a small fraction of her power. [/i]

Please rate it..critisize it..ya know...I need some input, thank you. :)

[BabyGirl]

[color=deeppink]Excellent effort, mate! It seems to be the start to very intense story, which can indeed be very very effective when done well.

The only critique I have is that some of your words sound more like they came from a thesaurus rather than your heart...a lot of the time simple is best, and a lot less confusing to the reader ;)

Do keep writing![/color]

[~Mystical Pan~]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by BabyGirl [/i]
[B][color=deeppink]Excellent effort, mate! It seems to be the start to very intense story, which can indeed be very very effective when done well.

The only critique I have is that some of your words sound more like they came from a thesaurus rather than your heart...a lot of the time simple is best, and a lot less confusing to the reader ;)

Do keep writing![/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

whoa..thanks! :D

True...I didn't want to repeat lots of words..so I went too my trustee thesaurus! lol Ok...I'll keep it more simple then. :) Thanks for your critique. :)

[Alexander]

Very impressive! I like it so far...I'll definitely keep my eye on this.

Now, If only I could get my Tobira story going, and my other ones READ....

[Guest Shift]

GREAT STORY Pan!!!! I like it except some of the big word confused me *looks around stupidly* though all in all a great story!