Writing Need opinions

[Kinetic]

I am working on a story. Here is the beginning:

The Necromancer

One time, long ago, there was an elf, a young elf who loved adventure. He was not like the other elves, he loved to fight, he loved exploring, while the others were more interested in studying the arts, instead of practicing them. This elf was Legato, he had no last name, for he did not know who he was, or where he came from. He was a wanderer, wandering the misty forests of MirthWood. He did know he was an elf though, he figured he was abandoned as a child in those forsaken forests, but how wrong he was. You will learned what happened as we progress with this story.

At the moment he was searching for food, very cautiously of course, for the unknown creatures of the forest. After some time, he got his deer and was returning to his hidden cave. "There's something happening, I cannot place it, but I know it's there.", said Legato. All of a sudden there was a crackle. Legato dropped the meat and partly unsheathed his sword. "Who is there", said Legato. More noise came, the sound of something approaching. It was getting closer, and closer. "Show yourself!". Suddenly a giant spider, one of the Noraku, appeared. "What do you want?!", said Legato. The Noraku approached. "Stop where you are!". The Noraku kept walking. Legato unsheathes his sword. "Stay back, I'm warning you", Legato said, backing up. The Noraku leaps at Legato, but with quick feet Legato dodges. Legato starts running with the Noraku in close pursuit. Legato disappears behind a tree. "Where did he go", said the Noraku with a rasping voice. Legato was safe in the tree for the time being, until the Noraku continued his search around the tree. "That was a close one", said Legato slipping a little. "I bet the idiot won't even find me.", said Legato slipping a little more. "I wish this tree was drier", wished Legato (remembering how it had rained the day before). The Noraku walked away from the tree, just in time as well, seeing as how Legato was slipping quickly. Legato fell out of the tree with a great noise. The Noraku turned around and started chasing Legato again. Luckily they had run around coming near the Elvish castle, but we will see who gets lucky with that.

Legato sees the castle about one mile away. "I will have to come up with something to evade him until I am within the walls of the castle.", thought Legato noticing a lake nearby. Legato took a detour heading for the lake, thinking that the Noraku would be afraid to pursue him in the water. How wrong he was, as once the dove into the lake, the spider not only didn't slow down, but dove in with ease. It was alot harder to evade the spiders blows, seeing how Legato was poor at swimming. Legato was running out of air, so he did the best thing he could think of. He surfaced with his sword drawn, which allowed the Noraku to get even closer. The Noraku was approaching with great speed, ready to prey on Legato for all the trouble he had given him. The Noraku surfaced about five feet from him. Legato slashed and bashed with all his might, but in the water, he was no good at fighting. The Noraku chased after the fleeing Legato. Legato got to the shore, drenched, and kept on running. The spider, however, was caught on a root in the ground. "This will give me a little time". thought Legato, heading for the Elvish kingdom.

[Raiha]

[COLOR=royalblue]Personally: The names sound like they came just out of Lord of the Rings. But that's alright. Your spacing and grammar are so-so, and you could use a few paragraphs now and then. But otherwise, I'm interested as to what happens next.[/COLOR] :demon:

[Kinetic]

Thanks, the book (if I decide to become an early writer or something) is supposed to be in that setting, and I came up with Legato a long time ago, but then found out someone in Trigun has that name. Anyway, I'll work on it now and then

[Raiha]

[COLOR=royalblue]Alright then........I look forward to the next part of this narration. However, are you planing on taking suggestions for further character names?[/COLOR]

[Kinetic]

No thanks heh, I'm gonna be busy for a while (moving) and I won't work on it for a couple weeks, thanks for the insight though

[BabyGirl]

[color=deeppink]Not bad :) In a few places you slipped up on tenses...[/color]

[quote][b]Suddenly a giant spider, one of the Noraku, appeared. "What do you want?!", said Legato. The Noraku approached. "Stop where you are!". The Noraku kept walking. [i]Legato unsheathes his sword. "Stay back, I'm warning you", Legato said, backing up. The Noraku leaps at Legato, but with quick feet Legato dodges. Legato starts running with the Noraku in close pursuit. Legato disappears behind a tree.[/i] "Where did he go", said the Noraku with a rasping voice. Legato was safe in the tree for the time being, until the Noraku continued his search around the tree. [/quote][/b]


[color=deeppink]...see how the verbiage is mixed up? I italicized where your tense changes.

Other than that, I think you could have a nice story here.[/color]

[Kinetic]

I see what you mean, I was trying to write my story different than I usually do (I put an "enter key" [didn't know how to say it] for everything) Anyway,, Thanks for the comments

*edit*
I'm going to start working on it again....but for now...some sleep :laugh:


...sorry...I'm just wierd like that... :blackeye:

[Geist]

I liked it a lot. Keep writing, you're doing great.

[BlueGender]

It is pretty good just a few grammer problems.

[{Angel}Healer]

hey, it's good, will you head over to Page #2 of stories and poetry and look for my story? its title is: A Story (Book 1 of 3 in a series im writing) gimme a overview, i desperatly need some opinions so I can fix it up. TY, Peace All

[Guest cloricus]

the story is good and intresting, are you going to post more?