JCBaggee Posted May 7, 2002 Share Posted May 7, 2002 [color=red][size=3]Your grief I feel Your pain I cannot heal How can this be true? How can this be real? Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. I'm sick of seeing all this hurt I see your tears as they stain your shirt. The stains of your lost soul I want to help you take control. Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. And I can be your helping hand. The one you trust in this cursed land And you can be the soul I saved The one life I truly changed... And once you've found your peace Your soul no longer creased No more tears will you see For you burden lies with me. Just trust me with your pain. I swear I won't hurt you again. I can set your spirit free... All I ask is that you trust me. ------------------------------ Comments? Please say what you think, I'm seriously considering submitting this one to some poetry sites! --JCBaggee[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sere Tuscumbia Posted May 7, 2002 Share Posted May 7, 2002 Oooo . . . pretty and moving! I like! ^-^ Keep writing! ~!*Sere & Co.*!~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geist Posted May 7, 2002 Share Posted May 7, 2002 I like it! It had a really nice rhyming...thing...What is the name for it? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted May 7, 2002 Share Posted May 7, 2002 The point of the poem is set out greatly, and the execution isn't to bad. If I were you I would submit it to one of the poetry sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raiha Posted May 8, 2002 Share Posted May 8, 2002 [COLOR=seagreen]If I were you, I'd make the size smaller. Otherwise it's alright.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Morph Posted May 8, 2002 Share Posted May 8, 2002 [size=1] I like it a lot, the flow of the words are good, and I want to see more [/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Harlequin Posted May 8, 2002 Share Posted May 8, 2002 The repetition of inbetween verses makes it sound like a song. Other than that, excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCBaggee Posted May 9, 2002 Author Share Posted May 9, 2002 [color=red][size=3]The repetition was intentional. When I learn to write music, I'll set it to a nice little tune. 'till then, it's a poem. I haven't got time now, but I'll put some more up later today as new threads...I've got quite a few I'd like to submit.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spikey Posted May 9, 2002 Share Posted May 9, 2002 That's really good. Nice ryming with it. One thing when your writing a poem, unsted of putting periods, put commas. Like this: And I can be your helping hand, The one you trust in this cursed land, And you can be the soul I saved, The one life I truly changed... Like that. I hope that helped some. Oh and make it smaller before you submit on anything. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCBaggee Posted May 9, 2002 Author Share Posted May 9, 2002 [color=red][size=3]What does everyone mean by smaller?! Cut verses? Smaller text?! What??!![/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sere Tuscumbia Posted May 9, 2002 Share Posted May 9, 2002 Smaller text I do believe . . . But otherwise, I DO like it . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jupitersun Posted May 26, 2002 Share Posted May 26, 2002 i really like your poem its really moving in a way you really shoulkd submit it to a poetry website leave it exactly as it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raiha Posted May 26, 2002 Share Posted May 26, 2002 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Sere Tuscumbia [/i] [B]Smaller text I do believe . . . But otherwise, I DO like it . . . [/B][/QUOTE][COLOR=royalblue]Yes, smaller text please.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCBaggee Posted May 26, 2002 Author Share Posted May 26, 2002 [color=red][size=3]What?! A new reply?! I though this thread was dead! Anyway, thanx for telling me about the smaller text. I'll keep that in mind next time I post something.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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