Writing The Fire in the sky Please read this start to my story and tell me what you think

[Walnut]

Okay this is complete fanasty which me and my mates made. Please tell me what you think of it.

The moon shone from the black sky that lay over the City of Qualtras. The land surrounding the city seemed more magical than what it did by day. Wide, vast fields spread out in all directions. Each one had it own unique colour. Some were dark red and others were silver in the moonlight. There were a few that shone with many colours but these were where night time diamonds were and other magic devices that were greatly sort after.
A young Unicorn danced around a small pool in the moonlight. It had a completely white body with silver markings at its side. Its mane was tinged with gold so that when it turned its head the rays of light would catch them and send a small showering out into the night. The horn on its forehead was different from most Unicorns as it had a line of red winding around its spiral. It was a Delara Unicorn, the rarest of them all, and the most sort after.
Suddenly the Unicorn stopped its dance. It looked around the area it was in, nothing moved. The wind had stopped and an eerie silence took over the unheard music. Suddenly the animal took off with such a speed that nothing could have kept up with it. It tore through the wilderness ripping up flowers and grass. Things that usually seemed harmless became frightening to the young creature. A dark figure came in front of it with a sinister grin on painted its face and without thinking the Unicorn hit it full in the stomach, sending straw and an old clothes flying. Still the beast ran on, not knowing where or why it was running, but the Unicorn ran until it saw a fence coming towards it and without a glance backwards the Unicorn leapt from the safety of the City and out into the black fields.
~
From a window a young girl looked out over the City of Qualtras. It was the most strangest but beautiful city in her land. Tall marble buildings stretched up from the ground and rose into the dark sky. Although it was late at night, the voices of traders could be heard shouting,
?Moonlight Tickela for sale?,
?Piping hot fried Gerito?s only fifty nenny?,
?Get these lovely necklaces for the one you truly love?
and other trades. But one lone voice stood out among them all to the girl,

?Hear the information first, Brother and Sister to City being brought home!?.

The girl fiddled with her brown pigtail as she always did when she was nervous. Turning to stare at her older sister, the girl reflected over the last few hours.
Her sister had come home earlier from her duties than she usually did to tell them that she had been asked to travel across the three dimensions to collect the Brother and Sister of their City. Her father and younger brother a plagued her with questions and there had been an argument like no other.

?Lynntilla?? the girl said in a quite voice.

?Hmm, what?? asked Lynntilla the girls older sister turning away from the book she was reading.

?I do?? started the girl.

?Oh! Not you too? said Lynntilla sighing.
?But sis, I want you to go? she said twisting the plait around her finger.
?Tiammy, are you serious?? Lynntilla asked her younger sister.
?Yeah! I?m serious? Tiammy replied.
Lynntilla cuddled her younger sister. Looking at her Lynntilla smiled. Tiammy had dark brown hair that was in pigtails. She was slightly small for her age, but she had light blue eyes that could hypnotise you if she wanted to. Lynntilla pulled Tiammy closer to her and softly cried into her hair.

ååå

[RicoTranzrig]

It's a good start...you might want to extend the descriptions of Lynntilla just a tiny bit, much like the unicorn in the beginning. Tiammy sounds really cute from her description :D

[Ravenstorture]

This is brilliant, you have excellent possibilities of extending the story in many directions due to the fact that you described much of your surroundings first. The contrasts between the two storylines, unlinkes, is also a good technique for building complex storylines. But I am starting to sound like I know what I'm talkng about, and I don't - I am just talking from experience. You have a brilliant mind for detail.