Mitch Posted March 20, 2003 Author Share Posted March 20, 2003 [color=red][b][u]Roached Death Doped Mosquito Blind/Mad War Rhetoric[/b][/u] Death doped and blind Go on and go on Bullets hit on and on Fall down hit hard This is this This is that I'm sick of death I'm sick of lapse Take your voice let it yell I'm angry and can't you tell This is this that is enough That is this and I feel through Death doped and blind Take your hate and give it a dime The coin is yours don't take it down Fall down hit hard Go on and go on This is enough so bleed me gone I'm sick of death I'm sick of lapse Leave me here to do what I may This is the line and you can't cross But you do anyways like a dog lost Don't you know don't you care I tire and this is despair Tell me what to do It's enough I've lived and lived but you still durst There's a look in this place like I'm going blind Death doped and blind Take a bullet take this Go on and go on Your yell is like an annoying gong I've died and died on and on You damned crazy devil This is enough and I'm through with this Take your shout and get out Fall down hit hard Now there's a taste in my eyes Like utter dredge in the lies This is this that is that Take your ways I've had enough of lasts Death doped and blind Monotone and out of line I'm sick and sick of this But still you shine Take the dogs Give them what is lobbed There's a line and you've gone Feed the meat so I can carry it on Take a bullet take a shard Don't you feel and don't you know I close my eyes and all I see is pain Don't you know a dream Can't you see can't you see I'm tired of this and I have enough Same old yell and I'm death in the sides All you do is crumbling to the nowhere Drivel on and drivel on I have there and this Bullet me and take the wrist All is this and I encompass nothingness Don't you know And don't you care What you are is what you fate Now don't hang on I'm sick of this and all your yelling won't ignite All your yelling won't go anywhere for what I fight Storms are brewing in the sky I'm death doped and blind There's so much more on my mind Your yelling won't take me anywhere but across the line Sick of this sick of that Take your yell and get back This is this This is that I've had enough I've seen enough Take your bullet take your weapon You're the king I'm the sign Read me and tell me the texts Give me your hat and I'm next Can't you see a dream Can't you understand passions seen Maybe not maybe not Take your naught and forget the lot This is this That is this That and this what a pish Take my ways and don't forget Death doped and blind Bullet me and bullet me fine I'm a fillet of something that is mine Don't line and don't forget what's there in time Excuse me excuse me here What a charade I feel you tear Maybe not but get out of here No I won't be there anymore I've been here enough and enough Death doped and blind Take your bullet I have my dream It shoots farther than you will ever see This is this That is that Take your act I've got an axe I've got an axe Death doped and blind It blunts me in the side Like some prick that won't give up all the time Go away go away I feel enough I need this day Go away go away This is me and I'm here to stay Nothing you yell will go anywhere in my mind I have enough to think of and think of fine This is this the bullet crosses my eyes I grasp I cry but it digs inside Go away go away Your metallic steel permeable alloy won't go nowhere I've had enough and I'm here to stay Death doped and blind Get that and this is the line Snapped in half and I'm gone inside Go away go away There's enough there's enough On my mind on my mind There's enough there's enough Go away go away Let me live let me die The axe won't go and holler flies Buzzing in my ear the buzz yells And if you see and if you tell There's enough there's enough On my mind on my mind Get off my mind Get off or I'm going to die You roach you roach eat the guts and flies Climb your climb climb your climb Limb your limb primated drib Look into my mind Roach roach Look into my mind The schism's as well as mine The dream is here and there's the fly Go away go away Bullet me and bullet alloyed in the stain Blood beats in these veins This is this that is that Red is red and vampires saturate back Bite me and nip my neck axe Go away go away Axe and axe enough enough Death doped and blind Blind death doped you fly My mind my mind Get out of my mind This is yours there's more in my mind Intestine the ways and go cutting the ties It's mine it's mine Walk away you roach Take your exoskeleton and walk away This is this that is that Your eyes are eyes like some crazy bat It's mine it's mine I've broken and the sinew is mine Go away go away Yell and holler drink it away My blood is blood and it bleeds Go go and go this dream Roach roach Eat your blood and get throat Skitter me and skitter me Axe axe go go I need to go Out of my mind out of my mind Get out get out Go away go away Death doped and blind Go away and go over the flies Lick your lick and go away Whatever you want I've given to you Eat me roach eat me like I'm yours Get out and go away Can't seem to walk away I've broken the axe and it all slices Careful with that axe careful with that axe Roach roach get out and get out fast Crawling in my skin You roach you roach Buzz in and buzz close I'll rip and I'll rip And you'll yell and you'll yell Whatever you want It ain't going going It isn't going so go away My blood is blood it bleeds Mosquitoes sap and the needle is nectared death I bleed I bleed My mind is my mind is Death doped blind Get out and get out I bleed I bleed Mosquitoes mosquito Proboscises go in and blood is drained Axe is mine and axe is mine My mind is my mind is Dream dream axe it in half Follow follow I'm falling fast Break and snapped blood curdled with stasis glass Feelings die and stain the pass Glass glass my axe I bleed I bleed Death doped blind Bleeding curdled and curdled Dry dry axe and die Poke me poke me Bullet bullet take my metal Give me and my mind is is Settle settle mosquito mosquito Roach roach Bug-eyed bug eyes go Away go away Death doped and blind Snapped snapped going out of my mind I have enough I have enough Full and empty take the glass Red crimson of some red bleeding past Mosquito proboscises transfer the fever Roach roach Live in the motel Give me a yell Can't you tell Roach roach Death doped blind Shine shine don't mine My mind is my mind is Give me give me go Go away go away Mosquitoed blood blood runs pumping Pump the axe axe oh axe Mine is mine go and go away Snapped snapped go away go away Get out let it die flamed away Death doped blind Bug-eyed tears wick the sides Go on roach yell the antenna high This is this and I've died[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mnemolth Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 I'm sorry this is a little late Mitch. I've got more on my plate than you can imagine. :) *takes a deep, deep breath* Okay. I've skimmed past the last few pages. I've read some of the poems through completely, others I've just perused. The following is simply a personal opinion of mine. It doesn't have to mean anything unless you want it to. You have two very strong points going for you. One, you clearly love to write. That much is obvious. You put a lot of energy into the endeavour and that is to be commended. Because writing actually requires effort. Two, you do have a decent grasp of English. There are certain verses and turns of phrase especially effective. SO you do have a command of words. With regard to any criticisms I may have, can I begin by sayign that your style is not the kind I'm particularly fond of. This makes it very hard for me to comment on it in a way that is fair and objective. Nevertheless, le me try. You write a lot. Perhaps too much. Now I don't ordinarily say this, but maybe you should slow down a little bit. Collect your thoughts, think more, and write less. If you can [i]consistently[/i] get out one [i]good[/i] poem a week, you will be doing well. Refine your poems. Even after you've finished with one, take it aside for a week or a month, then come back and revisit it and see if you can make improvements. Don't be afraid to tamper with it. Don't be scared you'll wreck it, you will always have the original copy saved somewhere. So fiddle with it. Don't bring your preconceptions back to the poem, look upon it afresh, anew, and make the modifications without fear or favour. Your mind is ablazed with a thousand different images. Your similies, metaphors and illusions run amuck. Focus them. as you focus your energy into writing, focus your images so that you can see them clearly, and in more detail. Manipulate them, play with them, experiment, but don't be distracted by other images that might flood into your mind. Deal with one thing at a time, follow it from start to finish. Do not haphazardly chop and switch. Don't be schizophrenic. Have fun with poetry! Its not all gloom and doom you now! :) Play with poems, do short ones. Length is not always an indicator of quality (as some girls would no doubt already be aware of...;)...sorry, couldn't resist. :D). Do funny poems, silly poems, it doesn't matter. Just experiment and see how things go. Try rhyming verse. Maybe you might want to speak to your English teacher or someone 'qualified' about your poetry. Its a craft and there are technics and skills to learn. One might be burn with the spirit of a poet, but very few are born with the skills of one. So don't over romanticise poetry. Overall, I would say its good. It shows promise. But at the moment, its all quite a mess. I hope I wasn't too harsh. :D (Let this be a lesson to all of you [i]never[/i] to ask me to look at your work! ;)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted March 21, 2003 Author Share Posted March 21, 2003 [color=red] How is it all a mess? That's the way poetry is to me, Mnem. A mess. It's my thoughts and processes on paper. I don't think it's a mess, thus. Anyways, I've just started on poetry. I have a long ways to go. I know that. Gah, there's never writing too much,lol. I suppose I do need to slow down. But if I want to go farther and ahead of where every other poet's at, I have to. But I do understand that I need to more focus my poems. But my mind isn't focused. There's so many things that go in and out of it a day. As for learning the styles and such. I have been slowly and painfully reading a book that teaches those. But I just don't find the overall way the book is written and shown to be entertaining. But when I get to college I plan on taking as many poetry classes as I can. I'm kind of sad that you don't like my style. Gah, lol. Ah well. I thank you for your comments. It's always good to be told something about my poetry. I just don't think it's a mess :p As for revisions. Yeah, I've thought about it. But to be true, I am scared to tinker with my poems. I am afraid I will ruin what was there before. But it is something I will and have to learn to do.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted March 22, 2003 Share Posted March 22, 2003 [color=darkred]Well, I had a lot of trouble reading this, mainly because of distractions. There's a link between [i]"War Time Dream"[/i] and [i]"Roached Death Doped Mosquito Blind/Mad War Rhetoric"[/i], with the 'doped and blind'. Did one poem spark the idea for another? [b]The Beginning:[/b] You started well. There is a nice rhythm to it, and a slight repeditiveness [throughout the whole poem] which shows a nice control of language and knowledge of where you should emphasise things. [b]The Middle:[/b]Lost it a bit here. The rhythm became vague, but otherwise it was nice. I liked it. [b]The End:[/b] Heh. The rhythm came back near the end, and give it a very final finish. I really like the last stanza. Ah, yes, I am lazy, and this wasn't much. Sorry. However, I want to set you a challenge. Write a poem - I don't care what type - using two similies, at least one metaphor, and a triplet.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charles Posted March 22, 2003 Share Posted March 22, 2003 I'm sorry I couldn't go into great detail with my corrections or finish the poem in its entirety. My time is running short and I have to make my rounds, but from what I've seen, the poem has some potential. Some of your lines are downright great. Good work. Death doped and blind Go on and go on Bullets hit on and on Fall down hit hard This is this This is that I'm sick of death [strike]I'm sick of lapse[/strike] [size=1]Unclear[/size] [strike]Take[/strike]Raise your voice--yell I'm angry and can't you tell This is this that is enough That is this and [strike]I feel[/strike] I'm through Death doped and blind [strike]Take your hate and give it a dime The coin is yours don't take it down Fall down hit hard[/strike] [size=1][color=red]Unclear[/color][/size] Go on and go on This is enough so bleed me gone I'm sick of death I'm sick of lapse Leave me here to do what I may This is the line and you can't cross But you do anyways like a dog lost Don't you know, don't you care I've [grown tired] of your despair Tell me what to do It's enough I've lived and lived but you still [strike]durst[/strike] [size=1][color=red]The past participle sounds awkward here.[/color][/size] [strike]There's a look in this place like I'm going blind[/strike] [color=red][size=1]Unclear[/color][/size] Death doped and blind Take a bullet take this Go on and go on Your yell is like an annoying gong I've died and died on and on You damned crazy devil This is enough [strike]and[/strike] I'm through [/strike]with this[/strike] Take your shout and get out Fall down hit hard Now there's a [strike]taste[/strike] (Huh?) in my eyes Like utter dredge in the lies This is this that is that Take your ways I've had enough of lasts Death doped and blind Monotone and out of line I'm sick and sick of this But still you shine Take the dogs Give them what is lobbed There's a line and you've gone [strike]Feed the meat[/strike] [color=red][size=1]Unclear[/size][/color] so I can carry it on Take a bullet take a shard Don't you feel and don't you know I close my eyes and all I see is pain Don't you know a dream Can't you see can't you see I'm tired of this and I have enough Same old yell and [strike]I'm death in the sides[/strike] [color=red][size=1]Awkward[/size][/color] All you do is [strike]crumbling to the nowhere[/stroke] [color=red][size=1]Awkward[/size][/color] Drivel on and drivel on I have there and this Bullet me and take the wrist All is this and I encompass nothingness Don't you know And don't you care What you are is [strike]what you fate[/strike] [color=red][size=1]Awkward phrasing[/size][/color] Now don't hang on I'm sick of this and all your yelling won't ignite All your yelling won't go anywhere for what I fight Storms are brewing in the sky I'm death doped and blind There's so much more on my mind Your yelling won't take me anywhere but across the line Sick of this sick of that Take your yell and get back This is this This is that I've had enough I've seen enough Take your bullet take your weapon You're the king I'm the sign [strike]Read me and tell me the texts Give me your hat and I'm next[/strike] [color=red][size=1]The first two lines in this stanza were well done. You could really do them justice by following them with lines of equal caliber[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted March 24, 2003 Author Share Posted March 24, 2003 [color=red][size=1] Okay. I revised this for about an hour or so last night. I shortened it down a lot. Got rid of some of the things plagueing it. It still needs more revision, and I'm going to continue to tweak it constantly. Hm. I don't know. I think Mnemolth was right. I need to slow down on my poetry. Looking back, my poems on page 3-5ish were much better. So I'm going to slow down a lot. I'm going to let a poem come to me and grow on me before I take the initiative to go on with it. Plus I'm going to start learning how to better and better revise my poems.[/size] [b][u]Roached Death Doped Mosquito Blind/ Mad War Rhetoric[/b][/u] Death doped and blind Go on and go on Bullets hit but ricochet on Fragments fall down hit hard This is this This is that I'm sick of death I'm sick of lapse Take your voice let it yell I'm angry and can't you tell This is this that is enough Death doped and blind Take your hate and give it a dime The coin is yours don't take it down Shoot it give it a crown Go on and go on This is enough so bleed me gone I'm sick of death I'm sick of lapse Leave me here bleed me gone Bullets twitch the moth on This is the line and you can't cross But you do anyways like a flickering moth Don't you know don't you care I tire and this is despair Death doped and blind Take a bullet take a life This moth's nothing he's worth Shoot him now bleed the work Here's my eyes They're tasting inside Flies and flies Taste my eyes They're tasting inside Look as they buzz inside Flies and flies Death doped and blind Bug-eyed and out of line I'm sick and sick of this But still you shine Take a bullet take a shard Still shine and taste these eyes Flies and flies Taste these flies Drivel on and drivel on Bullet me and take the wrist All is this and I encompass nothingness Storms bleed those moths die red-eyed I'm death doped and blind There's so much more on my mind Your yelling won't take me anywhere but across the line Take your bullet take your weapon You're the king I'm the sign Eat me and taste the flies Bullet the blood watch them die Flies and flies Death doped and blind Bullet me and bullet me fine I'm a bug eye bleeding Pus and sores in seeding Death doped here Blind and tasting of flies Eat me and bleed I've got an axe Death doped and blind It blunts me in the side Like some prick that won't give up all the time Go away go away I feel enough I need this day Go away go away This is me and I'm here to stay I have enough to think of and think of fine This is this the bullet crosses my eyes I grasp I cry but it digs inside Death doped and blind Get that and this is the line Snapped in half and I'm gone inside Go away go away Let me live let me die The axe won't go and holler flies Buzzing in my ear the buzz yells And if you see and if you tell There's enough there's enough I hear the flies Get off my mind Get off or I'm going to die You roach you roach eat the guts and flies Climb your climb climb your climb Limb your limb that primated drib Look into my mind Roach roach Look into my mind Flies and flies Veins inside Blood beats these veins This is this that is that Black and bruised red black Bite me and nip my neck axe Go away go away Axe and axed enough enough Death doped and blind Blind death doped blind My mind get out My mind Get out of my mind This is yours there's more death in time Blood red black with flies It's mine it's mine Walk away you roach Take your exoskeleton walk away Bleed the bullet In between your eyes bleed those flies It's mine it's mine I've broken and the sinew is mine Go away go away Yell and holler drink it away My blood is blood and it bleeds Go go and go this dream Roach roach Eat your blood get the throat Take the axe Get the throat Death doped and blind Go away and go over the flies Snip the wings bleed the throat Taste my blood from my eyes Bug-eyed tears crimson flies Eat me roach eat me bleeding Taste my blood from my eyes My blood is blood it bleeds Mosquitoes sap the needle's funnel sees I bleed I bleed My mind is my mind Death doped blind I bleed I bleed Mosquito mosquito Your proboscis your needle My blood my bleed Flies and flies Death doped blind Bleeding curdled and curdled Dry and dripping on my axe Bleeding bleed saturates that Death doped and blind Snapped snapped going out of my mind I have enough I have enough Full and empty take the glass Red crimson of some red bleeding past Mosquitoes proboscises transfer the fevered black Mosquitoed blood runs pumping Pump the axe pump the axe Bleed the blood bleed the bask Forget and forget in lapse Death doped blind Bug-eyed tears wick the sides Go on roach yell the antenna high This is this and I've died[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted March 27, 2003 Author Share Posted March 27, 2003 [color=red][b][u]The Chimera's Kiss[/b][/u] Morbid wails The Chimera stalks Mending the wall the vine mirrors on the leaflet Refractored the trepidated hoof halts Dilapidated white the bark and inhumed nutrient The loneliest word you'll hear Cries of if only the cadaver's touch Malignancy The Chimera stalks the fear The necromancer fains known here The emaciated espalier tremble with his touch The breath of The Chimera so numbly cold The loneliest word you'll ever know If only if only emulsify this soul The Chimera stalks mollified white the bark equivocal Eminently if only it was so So many wails so many cries in the dark The opaque emaciated feebles the emptiest anoint This Chimera is a terrible kiss those lips efferent bark A kiss is a terrible thing to waste an anomalous delight The loneliest kiss you'll ever know So empty, the abhor so terrible the kiss to waste The Chimera stalks his eyes rough bark aglow Dead?hear the dead?come closer cognizance the taste If only if only it was so Walk in this grave The Chimera calls Hear the necrotized moan and wail so You shouldn't tremble when we touch the walls Kiss The Chimera's ether taste the whole The loneliest realization you'll ever know The Chimera's kiss if only if only it was so A kiss is a terrible thing to waste The Chimera's kiss anomalous in delight I take your hand the folds imprinted and hark The Chimera and our lips are part If only if only it was so Engulfed the fire is abhor in taste The tomb is later than you see to haste And a kiss is a terrible thing to waste The Chimera's kiss brethren in twixt Exhumed inhumed in incised wick The loneliest word you'll ever know If only if only it was so[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted March 30, 2003 Share Posted March 30, 2003 [size=1][color=darkred][list] [*][b]Morbid wails The Chimera stalks.[/b] This phrasing is really nice, with a good grasp of vocabulary and imagery [*][b]Mending the wall the vine mirrors on the leaflet Refractored the trepidated hoof halts.[/b] Sounds odd and is partly ambiguous [mainly because I think in simple terms and the language is partly formal]. [*] [b]The loneliest word you'll hear.[/b] Nice phrasing. I like the slight personification. [*][b]The breath of The Chimera so numbly cold.[/b] Sounds strange. How can breath be numbly cold? The adverb is in realtion to breath, and breath doesn't feel. [/list] Overall: You're a good poet, but sometimes it seems that, instead of using your words to draw people closer, you're trying to push them away by using longer words. It may just be that I have a bad vocabulary, but some of these words I have to look up, and it hinders the reader when you don't understand the words. I do like the way you incorporate the words, though. It makes it seem that you aren't trying to be all high and mighty [like some poets do], but rather that it just comes naturally. The flow of the poem was pretty - sad, slightly freaky, but nice and [yes] even sweet. Or maybe it's just me. Well done, Mishter Mitch.[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 5, 2003 Author Share Posted April 5, 2003 [color=red][b][u]Third Eye[/b][/u] Lashes came out to watch me play Why is it running away Light shimmers the eyes' cloudy dismay Lashes came out to watch me play I ask again, "Why are you running away?" Open up open today "Why are you running away," I say Eyelids' flutter as the layer sways Like the lipid morose of the flowers' belay Prying open my third eye Harder and harder as I try "Why are you running away?" The lid runs I rip it vain Permeate inter smell the bosom's bay Third eye crossing falling away My fingers dig deeper in abrasion Blood congeals clots in ruination Prying and prying this eyelids' flutter incantation Asphyxia stigmata's desperation Paranoid paralyzed schizoid virulent paraplegic God-eyes angel-demon crutch the twirl-sand tick Its hair clod lashes its crutch-twig pupils thick Conjoined closed its dilates inflict Scamp scab cling to the side Pry open the third eye Light shine pestle infested sky Pry it open I still ask why Reach into the skin Look at all the spirals Contour the miles Pry open ferment the aisles Look at all the spirals Dig crush sheave shove Prick creak bruise sleuth Open pry finger hove Blink lapse falter dilute In the wake of the spiral Consume you choose you In the wake of the spiral Consume you choose you It shall be will be As it consumes you chooses you It shall be will be Reach exert crush squeeze Let go invert push impede It shall be will be Finger it so hard so cold Pry it open so barred so old It shall be will be Prying open my third eye Asking and asking why Came out to watch you play Why are you running away It opens as I close the lids Runs away as I try to give It is meant this tinge Runs away as I give Look at those miles All those spirals I thought you were hiding I saw you running away Prying open my third eye Dig pry answers why Somewhere there inside Lashes came out to play Hear my voice so far away "Why are you running away?" Falls as I say close its lashes lay Prying open my third eye Brush it all fall away[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conpiracymonki Posted April 5, 2003 Share Posted April 5, 2003 [b][size=1] I didn't really like Third Eye to be honest. The rhyming seemed overly done, and the style was just not the type that I prefer. But it's nice to see that all your work is getting more varied. :) [/b]Roached Death Doped Mosquito Blind/ Mad War Rhetoric, on the other hand... I loved some of the stanzas in that one. Like: [quote]Death doped and blind Monotone and out of line I'm sick and sick of this But still you shine[/quote][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 9, 2003 Author Share Posted April 9, 2003 [color=red][size=1] This is for Shinobi. He wanted me to write a song for him to play in his band, I think. So here it is. I tried to keep it simple and have soft words that aren't that hard to say.[/size] [b][u]Lay Me Down, I'm So Living[/b][/u] Pretty eyes; what a smile Lying here with no one near The smile's even here Lay me down I'm so living Found myself here today Hold it closer breathe away Fumes so pungent and only you All I really feel lying here There's nothing more that I can do All I really feel lying here Wondering what is to fear Lay me down I'm so living Count the ways back to the beginning Hand and hand; seamstress for the smiles I must've seen you dancing in the mud Now you're in me; here smiling with me Turning back you just laugh It's not that bad It's not that bad lying here with no one near Your smile's still, it counts the star's tear Smiling lady; seamstress for the smiles Pretty eyes Just that smile I must've seen you dancing in the mud Now you're in me Smiling lady here in the sand How you feel so real lying here; no one near Smiling but I don't know you at all Smiling lady; seamstress for the smiles Valor armor, white dress; seems to me that's how you live Lay me down, I'm so living I must've found you in the wet, soft mud Smiling lady; seamstress for the smiles I don't know you at all; guess I never will Smiling lady; mud baby I don't know you at all; guess I never will[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted April 10, 2003 Share Posted April 10, 2003 Wow, that is really nice, i don;t think it will suit in with the tune i had planned, but i think this has a destink beat to it. I'm gonna make a whole new songs with these lyrics, thanks man, your a good mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 13, 2003 Author Share Posted April 13, 2003 [color=red][size=1] Well, this poem I wrote in my sig, and I've decided to keep it the way it is. I think it turned out pretty well.[/size] [b][u]The Roses Shall Fall[/b][/u] You will cry; I will cry Roses shall fall; roses shall die Uncouth dirt saves our fall Nothing is worth it; nothing at all Catch it catch it fast; watch it blow on past The roses shall fall; the roses shall die You can't stop; you can't know why But the roses shall die; the roses shall die Tears shall fall; they won't work as they fly You I we; he them us Watch them bleed; watch them touch Fall from the stem, leaves; fall from the stem Watch them bleed; watch them touch[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 15, 2003 Author Share Posted April 15, 2003 [size=1][color=red]I'm pretty ecstatic, this poem turned out good. And it's been so long since I've gotten a good poem. It's a little rough in places, but I think it turned out well. It's for Shy. For our 3 month anniversary.[/size] [b][u]To Kill A Raven Throwing Rocks[/b][/u] I'd tear my throat out But then I couldn't speak To kill a raven Isn't it so I'd give everything I have to keep I'd tear it away feathers of what I've lost There'd be no smiles gracing the lines Sometimes you're just too weak The ravens fly overhead No angels no wings Sometimes you're just too weak To kill a raven Isn't it so I'm stuck on words I can't say Feathers inundated and black; turned your back Turned your back again There'd be no smiles gracing these cracks Your beak's black; you're not coming back Not coming back Remember when you're young Those aren't words this isn't where you've run Only gone where the ravens' sung Park's the blood; swing's the lung Remember how you used to breathe It's tearing my throat out I'd have to say Remembering how you used to breathe How you'd just ride and ride the swing To kill a raven Isn't it so Lose the railing Let it all go It's giving everything I'd have to say Remembering when you're young How those words were never there; how far you've run Dirt is the past; it's already dug Sometimes you just lose what was love I'm stuck on words I can't say The swing; the lung; the park I'm stuck on these words and I can't say All you know just seems to fall away Just seems to fall away How you used to breath Seems to fall away Ravens do fly overhead No angels no wings Sometimes you are just too weak It's like you've thrown so many rocks; nothing's sweet It's throwing everything I'd say rolling these rocks Sometimes you learn what's to be a rock and roll You've got this last rock; this last throw It's needing to hit that finger; hit that toe Then you know what it's like to be a rock and not to roll And isn't it so To kill a raven To take that rock And let it roll To kill a raven Isn't it so[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conpiracymonki Posted April 15, 2003 Share Posted April 15, 2003 [b][size=1] This poem really works for me, lol. I can't see at all how it fits with Shy and you lol, but I really like this one. I didn't really know what else to post, so uh.. Bit that seemed most out of place (and even then not that much, really):[/b] [i]Your beak's black; you're not coming back Not coming back[/i] [b]I say that because of the way it rhymes, if you get what I mean. Bit that seemed odd, lol:[/b] [i]Then you know what it's like to be a rock and not to roll[/i] [b]No roll, just rock! lol[/b] *stabs mootchums* Nicey nice.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 19, 2003 Author Share Posted April 19, 2003 [color=red][b][u]My Head Has No Room[/b][/u] i promised to the night my head has no room he thought and soon i promised to her my head has no room she thought and soon i drove my car to school my head has no room i parked alone as the moon i walk around like i've got some persuasion i tell them all my head has no room it's shaking my teeth i promised i drove i tell it's shaking my teeth i can't go on my head has no room i try to check into the motel i'm told it's used i promised i tell them i tell them she thought i tell them and soon all they say is see you later your head has no room i am locked away left to go back and tell them my head has no room[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 23, 2003 Author Share Posted April 23, 2003 [center][url=http://www.eaudrey.com/myth/cockatrice.htm][img]http://otakuboards.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=385209[/img][/center][/url][size=1][center](Click on image to find more info on the cockatrice)[/center] [center][color=red]And here is the near-final version of it. If you don't know, a Cockatrice is a mythological creature with the head of a rooster and the body of a dragon. That's the really gist-ish definition of it. Also now that they are said to be extremely poisonous creatures. It's said that whatever they touch disintegrates. And if they stare at something, they can kill it. I don't know yet for certain if they change things to stone by looking at them, but it doesn't matter. The turning to stone in this poem can be seen as allegorical. Well, everything in this poem is allegorical, but I thought I'd mention about the Cockatrice for those who have no clue because it is needed to really understand this poem at least any.[/size][/center] [center][b][u]Cockatrice's Fall[/b][/u] Apparition there's known Gargoyle he's stone Cockatrice glared No one knows Apparition turned stone Wounds on him're known But gargoyle He's stone Apparition you're rock Looked at the cockatrice You gist you gast you specter Looked at the cockatrice Should've known Hatched by a serpent Rooster's egg thick skinned No shells no white Yellow and dark as abright Cockatrice Wight are you So the apparition he knows Gargoyle He's stone King of serpents King of birds Wings on the edge Fly without herds Cockatrice Wight are you So the banshee knows But gargoyle He's stone Spirit of evil Wight are you Gargoyle on his cling Gutter for the rain's spring The Cockatrice you don't know Only rain on your wing But gargoyle You're stone I saw you froze Stone-froze in the cold Looked at the Cockatrice Should've known Cockatrice was flying to nothing as the rain fell Came upon the gargoyle stared him right in the face Looked at the stone-brick and thought his taste Just sitting there flying to nothing as the rain fell Came upon the gargoyle stared him right in the face Tried to turn him to poison with his chaste Glared upon the gargoyle stared him right in the face Rain was falling to nothing he was flying to nothing Cockatrice glared at the gargoyle stared him right in the face Rain was falling gargoyle was on his hear Catching the rain as it fell Cockatrice glared the gargoyle could hear The cockatrice was looking at the stone King of serpent's mind was numb The cockatrice was looking at the stone King of serpent's mind was numb On that stone rain was falling Saying cold and wet on the slab Cockatrice's mind was numb Glaring at the stone Cockatrice was numb Apparition you're rock Never thought you'd ever talk Never thought your tears would fall Thought you were rock But gargoyle He's stone Gargoyle thought he was stone Specter the banshee should've known Rain fell he was no longer stone Desert turns to mud seems the gargoyle heard Came so far tears so long Apparition's retribution rain fell gone Basilisk hissed the rain fell down Cockatrice looked at the gargoyle Basilisk hissed the rain fell down The cockatrice's mind was numb Desert turns to mud seems the gargoyle heard Caught the rain kept it on his cling Water shimmers as rain showers spring Apparition's retribution fell gone Came so far tears so long Serpent's glare gone wrong Apparition's retribution fell gone Gargoyle thought you were stone But you're alive in the shower's own Cockatrice looked at you thought it'd turn you to stone Should've known Cockatrice Wight are you Sometimes they fall Gargoyle knew his call Heard the rain knew he could hear Cockatrice Spirit of evil Serpent of serpents Gargoyle knew his call You looked right at him Cockatrice's mind was numb Stone and stone above Looked at the gargoyle your mind turned numb Ice was forming in your head as you fell dumb Looked at the gargoyle your mind turned numb Saw your reflection in the stone Desert turns to mud and you know Cockatrice's mind was numb Desert turns to mud and now you know Saw your reflection in the stone Turned to stone should've known Fell to nothing Alone[/color][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conpiracymonki Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 [b][size=1] I liked how you started it off, but where it starts to get long, I thought it went a little too deep and off the point. And some parts of it, I found to be over repetitive (just in my opinion), like:[/b][quote]Rain was falling gargoyle was on his hear Catching the rain as it fell Cockatrice glared the gargoyle could hear The cockatrice was looking at the stone King of serpent's mind was numb The cockatrice was looking at the stone King of serpent's mind was numb[/quote][b]But yeah, I just didn't really like the middle part. But I loved the way you pieced it back together again at the end. *claps*[/b] Another well done poem, Mootchums ^_^[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 24, 2003 Author Share Posted April 24, 2003 [size=1][b][u]Rain Storm But No Bird[/b][/u] it's raining a storm outside seems the rain bird came back to my side never thought i'd see again raining a storm outside i went out just awhile ago went out saw the cold and i was looking for my rain bird she never came i stood out there cold and alone then i came back in looking out my window it's still raining a storm outside seems my rain bird's left me alone left me soaking until the summer comes gone but it's raining a storm outside i see it right now from my window i've got to look i can hear the rain bird calling me like it used to wish i could catch its beak and be there she still hasn't come something's different to think i thought i knew to think i knew when the levee breaks she still hasn't come i'm tapping my window-sill here thinking where and what she's doing but now i've got to go away i've got to get away from this window i've got to shut off the lights got to just listen to the lone sound of pat-pat that's when it's calling me rain bird that's when it's calling me i know you're out there it's raining a storm rain bird it's raining a storm but i have to go i can't stand sitting here right here by my window-sill i can't stand it any longer got to just listen to the lone sound of pat-pat[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i] [B]Apparition's retribution fell gone Came so far tears so long Serpent's glare gone wrong Apparition's retribution fell gone [/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkred]I really loved this stanza. The flow is great, the rhythym is perfect, and I love the imagery. Really, you can see how you've worked on this piece. It comes up a lot better than some other stuff you've done. Very good, Mitch.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 25, 2003 Author Share Posted April 25, 2003 [size=1] Thanks a lot Asphy. I really do think it turned out well, too. Here's another I just wrote. Not spectacular or anything, but it's something. [b][u]Just Walking[/b][/u] I was walking Just along Cement and sun Nothing else around I was looking at the ground Came on it and almost stopped Almost turned around But I was walking Just along Cement and sun Nothing else around So kept going Four letter word was scrawled there I was looking on the ground Guess something else was around Heart was drawn on the cement Wanted to erase it and lament I came on it and almost stopped Four letter word scrawled there I was walking Just along Saw a girl Saw her twirling in the sun Wanted to know her name But the planet hit the sun I was walking Just along Saw a daughter And a father They were hugging the stars Wanted to know their names But the stars hit the sun I was walking Just along Cement and sun Nothing else around But I had to look at the ground See it there scribbled white and down Heart was drawn on the cement Wanted to erase it and forget Four letter word scribbled there Wanted to know her name Was sick of charades Wanted to erase it and forget But the cement hit my foot So kept going[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 27, 2003 Author Share Posted April 27, 2003 [size=1][b][u]I'm Cold Tonight[/b][/u] In the forest there The wood and the trees Found you found the cold breeze I feel cold tonight I really feel cold tonight The wood and the trees Seems I could die Just freeze You can't see out here at all I feel as I walk That I could just fall I feel as I walk That I could just roll up And die That I could just fall As I fly In the forest there The woods and the trees I'm standing here Walking to nothing I'm putting it all together Putting it all away Feel like I could die Just freeze today I'm really cold tonight My heart isn't feeling free I'm cold And I feel the breeze[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted May 2, 2003 Author Share Posted May 2, 2003 [size=1][center][img]http://www.msurman.freeserve.co.uk/www/images/Leaves_Falling_2.jpg[/img] [b][u]The Last Leaf Has Fell[/b][/u] The last leaf has fell When it lands The maggots yell There was a man These are men There was a women These are said Perhaps mankind Whatever's dead Last leaves hold hands As stems Whenever lands These men's man It is said Whatever's dead Alas--the last leaf has fell Perhaps mankind It is said But when it lands The maggots yell For--this leaf has fell And it is said Whatever's dead[/center][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegeta rocker Posted May 2, 2003 Share Posted May 2, 2003 (feels own writing has been extremely dwarfed) Wow. do me a favor, will you write a bad poem? It would really help my self esteem. j/k i like the above one, falling leaves makes me picture all of mankinds hopes just falling into an abyss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted May 3, 2003 Author Share Posted May 3, 2003 [center][size=1][img]http://www.metalkings.com/aggressor/fallen-angel.jpg[/img] [b][u]XXXXXI[/b][/u] Was a dreary night As I rapped on the door The manager stepped out Let me in to implore Was a dreary place As I walked in Dark except for a few lamps Dreary place indeed "I would like a room," I said, my lips cold and soon I shuffled out my wallet The crisps touching my hand The manager tucked them away His face was snippy I didn't know what to say "You say you need a room To stay?" Indeed I did And so I nodded I took my wallet Once again "You won't be needing that To get in," Said the manager Indeed I wouldn't And so I nodded Put away my wallet Once again "This's on the house My dear Sir Wain Here's your key And please, do stay," Said the manager Handing my key Smiling through His decayed teeth Number fifty-one Read the key's glove "Thank you Indeed I shall be staying For I need sleep," Said I "Right up the stairs To the left You shall find your room," Said he I nodded and so went Fifty-one read the key's glove Left up the stairs and there it was Through the oil lamps Dismal and lit I did see the door Upon it did sit Number fifty-one Dimmering there in the light I did see the door Upon it did sit Number fifty-one Just as the key's glove I opened the door The key's clang Evermore I opened the door To number fifty-one Something coagulated Touch to my feet On the floor All my thoughts All I am Touch my feet On the floor I opened that door? The key's clang Evermore Fallen angel sat corner-tied Blood was all over-side Touch my feet On the floor The angel they named? As I set the door? He they call Velinor His skull was in tore Wings flimsy-sore Blood his fore He they call Velinor Eschewed on his skull I do squint as I stood: XXXXXI it did read For my eyes do not deceive Condemnation his was perceived Heaven through hell The chiming of the bell Through seas and dogs For what is fog Doom is to God Condemnation his was fifty-one Just as that of the key's glove From that it is of He they call Velinor When shock became Left my veins My mind was not The same I, Sir Wain Had entered Hell's bane[/size][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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