vegeta rocker Posted September 11, 2002 Share Posted September 11, 2002 For those of you who have read my previous work this may sound a little diffrent but im experimenting.... so enjoy. Brand New Day deep in the trenches of deceit i lay a white sheet of ignorance is drawn on my face the rain makes the puddles jump and spray tears feed the mud which i go through every day wings that are soaked hang in dismay they cover my eyes and block out my pain my stomach turns in circles i crouch down in pain thinking i can hide from something so deranged the trees bleed out slowly their branches crack and fray their blood reflects the sunlight on this brand new day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Matt Posted September 11, 2002 Share Posted September 11, 2002 [color=red][b]very good, but now I feel depressed. :( [/b][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted September 12, 2002 Share Posted September 12, 2002 He's right, it is good. And you do feel depressed after it...I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted September 12, 2002 Share Posted September 12, 2002 Pretty good :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted September 12, 2002 Share Posted September 12, 2002 Very good! Very good technigues, it effects the reader as you can see, and thats what your were aiming for, to feel what the author is feeling, very good! actualy..great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted September 12, 2002 Share Posted September 12, 2002 It's good vegeta, but it could be very much improved. It seems to be lacking of decrption, I just can't see an image emerge in my mind. And with poetry, that's what you need to get (good description) to keep a reader interested and to make your poetry so much better. You need to write with the senses in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegeta rocker Posted September 14, 2002 Author Share Posted September 14, 2002 good. now i know what to work on, but im glad you guys liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mnemolth Posted September 15, 2002 Share Posted September 15, 2002 Its nice. The first and last two lines are very good. :) The second stanza needs more work tho. Its a little muddled. B+ :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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