Writing Broken skin (yes, its about a cutter)

[Lady Asphyxia]

3 poems in 1 day. Yeah, I got bored. However did you know?



Broken skin,
And broken soul;
Let your blood
Pay the toll.

With tears that fall,
And a chest that aches,
Watch the skin
As it breaks.

Row by row,
Line by line,
Cut your skin
To pass the time.

The pain out there.
The pain inside
Draw out that
Which tries to hide.

Fear and fury
Hate and death
Will your soul ever rest?

Broken skin,
And broken soul.
Let your blood
Pay the toll.


Blah. The end. hehe

[The Harlequin]

[font=gothic][color=crimson]Quite good. I like it, though I believe it would have been better given more emotive language, and a less detatched view. [/font][/color]

[Mist]

[color=crimson][size=1] Hmm...your style seems a bit evasive. If you could go into a bit more detail, you would really bring the emotion from the poem out. Very good as it is, though.[/color][/size]

[Boo]

Hmmm....... I think ill post my poems that I writ while OB was off on.

AW: Pretty good.

[SSJ5 Vegeta]

I think it was pretty good. I have personal experience with that. My g/f cut wrist once (not to commit suicide) when there was alot of bad things going no in her life, before she met me. Then once after she met me because alot of things were going wrong. But I believe her when she says she won't ever do it again... It angers me that people do that to their beautiful bodies though...

[Mnemolth]

IMHO Its good! :D

It has a nice flow, except for the end.

Personally I'd take out the last verse altogether. Whipping a dead horse there. You may be trying to force your point home but that's not necessary. You should give your readers a lil' more credit. ;)

And I'd change the second verse ending, break up last line into two.

Will your soul
ever rest?

Ending with the question seals that angst you're trying to convey.

If you're in your teens I'll give you A-, if over 19, hmm....prob a B.

:devil:

[Lady Asphyxia]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i]
[B]

Personally I'd take out the last verse altogether. Whipping a dead horse there. You may be trying to force your point home but that's not necessary. You should give your readers a lil' more credit. ;)

And I'd change the second verse ending, break up last line into two.

Will your soul
ever rest?

Ending with the question seals that angst you're trying to convey.

:devil: [/B][/QUOTE]

Hmm...I see what you mean. I tend to get paranoid and think it isnt finished and the ending isnt clearly defined enough, so I repeat the first verse.

"Will your soul ever rest?" Actually, i had it as two lines originally; I typed it up incorrectly.