Writing My first short story--Jane's Coma

[Mitch]

[color=red]Don't laugh at me if this isn't any good, because it's only my first short story...but give me an honest opinion if it's even any good at all...[/color]

Jane's Coma (Tentative)(First Draft)

-1- The Psychologist

Jane let out a heavy sigh. Her mind was a nervous splatter as she walked in to go and see the psychologist. This was her first time going, and she was unsure what it would be like. She timidly walked to the waiting room and sat down. She grabbed a magazine and paged through it, trying to keep her mind off of the psychologist. After what seemed like forever to Jane, they finally called her name. She slowly stood up and walked to the room. She apprehensively grabbed the doorknob and twisted it, opening the door. She slowly shuffled in and sat down. The psychologist glared at her kindly. "Welcome Jane, my name?s Dr. Baros," he said holding out his hand. She gave him a fake smile and took his hand, shaking it. "Nice to meet you." He pulled out a pen and small pad of paper, and scribbled something on it. He turned to Jane, looking straight at her. "Shall we begin, then?" Jane nervously nodded her head. "First we?ll talk about your past." "Where were you born?" Jane quickly began speaking "I was born here, in Linstone," she said. Baros continued. "What were your parents like?" "My Dad was an alcoholic, he died from colon cancer when I was three." "My Mom died when I was seven, she was also an alcoholic." "She committed suicide," Jane said. Dr. Baros jotted more on his pad of paper. "Who did you live with after your Mom and Dad died,? the doctor asked. Jane?s eyes seemed burdened with pain, but she continued. "After they died, I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle." "My Aunt was an alcoholic, but not as bad as my parents." "I lived with them until I was eighteen". The doctor jotted more, then popped the next question. "What did you do when you moved out?" he asked. "I got married." "Married to my first husband." "He was an alcoholic to, I thought I could change him." "But I was wrong," she said, ?Very wrong.? She paused, then continued, "He died of Alcohol Poisoning after we had been married for only three years." "We had my daughter, Eva." She grabbed the cup of water next to her and took a long sip. Then sat it gently back down, speaking again. "Then I married my husband that I have now about a year ago." Dr. Baros scribbled more, then tore off the sheet of paper he had been writing on and set it on his desk. "Mrs. Staw, that will be all for today." "See you tomorrow,? he said shaking hands with her again. In her mind, Jane let out a sigh of relief and stood up and walked out of the room, and quickly drove home.

-2- Just Drive

On her drive home, Jane?s mind was lost in deep thought. She was thinking about many things. About why everyone she grew close to seemed to die. It was like she was cursed. Her whole life she had been surrounded by drugs. Everyone she?d known, almost every single one of them was doing drugs or had done drugs. It sure was strange. She had tried to even change some of these people, change their slow decline to death, save them a life. But always, it seemed, she failed, one way or another. Either they died, or they became lost so much she just gave up. She herself had mostly stayed away from drugs, not wanting to ruin her life. About the only drug she would ever take was alcohol, and that was rarely if never. Only when life had gone rock bottom, and she needed a break would she drink. Her husband, John, was yet another alcoholic. She didn?t know why, but she seemed attracted to people like John for some odd reason. John was a good husband, no doubt about it, Jane had assured herself of that much. Except for when he was drunk that was, and that was most of the time. Heck, all of the time. She had told him he needed help. He needed to see his problem face to face. He needed to go to AAA. But of course, he didn?t listen. Of course not. He never seemed to listen to her anymore. All he had done was nodded his head nonchalantly like he always did when he was ignoring her. Up and down, up and down. She was really getting sick of it. Jane still loved him. Only now, it seemed unconditional, just a hole she had to bear. But still deep in her mind, she still thought she could change him. Make him that perfect husband she had always imagined when she was younger. The loving and caring husband who?d drop everything every moment she called. Who?d give arm and limb just for a kiss. But realization she could feel. She knew she probably wouldn?t be able to change him at least for the better. But she could try. And she would. When they had first married, he would sit around almost all day and drink. So she had decided he couldn?t have any beer in the house and didn?t allow him to drink in the house. She had told him she didn?t want her daughter to have to live growing up the way she had to. Still, almost everyday after his job as a barber, he would go out to the bar and drink to high heaven with his old High School chums from way back when. Jane of course didn?t like him always being gone almost the whole day, coming home drunk, breathing his alcohol breath on her cheeks. But she had come to live with it. But what she couldn?t accept, and never would was the abuse. The constant, daily abuse. The abuse every night when he came home from drinking. Every night, the constant, unceasing abuse. Sexual abuse, verbal, physical, you name it, John had done it. She had bruises all over her body, black blue bruises. She didn?t know how long she would be able to handle it for the sake of Eva. She just didn?t know. She would hold on as long as her grasp remained. As long as Eva didn?t have to be abused, she was sure she could hold on until something else happened. God only knew how it would end. So she had started seeing Dr. Baros today. She thought it would be a good way to get a firmer grip to hold on. And she seemed to be right.

Well, that's all I've typed up for now, expect some more later...

[Kinetic]

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It's a good story so far. The only things I would change, is ease on the alcohol, although I see where you are going with it, and split it up into more paragraphs, so that it's not just a few big ones. Other than that, it's very good so far ;)
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