Writing A few poems...[PG]

[Mitch]

well, I've got some more poems for you, hope you enjoy...

Enxit
The end is the exit
the exit is the end
the exit bends
but it always comes to the end
that's when you slip away
get to finally escape
lose your original shape
throw off that plastic cape
and leave it there
for all to stare
you only take one thing
the thing that makes you whole
your soul
then you float where you lead
stop when you heed
then eventually, you leave
go to someplace few can see
and do what need
the exit is only the beginning
the beginning is the exit
that is what you will see


Despind
a startled wind blows through my hair
a stagnant breeze of melancholy despair
it blows all around in a surrounding declare
shouting out a whispered dream wilting away
softly pronouncing my life's turn to nothing more
and my anguish crushes in an endless sore
as this wind whispers in my ear
fearful dilemmas shot through for all to hear
a heavy coat of weighted bear
tattered illusionary marriages of reflectionary ripple
the wind creates a catalystic reaction
it blows on me, acting as a potent acid of needless uncare
eating a filmy goop from my skin
going deep within in a sizzling fry of mental oils
dissipating what was left to stand
leaving me a standing, ragged figure
a boneless image looking inside for myself
through my wind-swept mind
as I traverse through sections of irrelevant garbled images of distance
I stand by a reflection of me
a subvisible shadowy tree
with branches extended in bewildering paths of endless fashions
this by I do stand, gazing deep in a hopeful-eyed gaze of instigation
viewing crumpled projections of pessimistic optimism
looking inside the inside of my deeply rooted pores
and the sad wind does still blow
by in its opinionated despair
whispering, in my ear, a reciteful destruction packaged abound

Paper Ball
I crumpled myself into a paper ball
threw it as hard as I could against the wall
tried to see something else in me I haven't seen
crumpled all my will to see more than is
compacted my concentration into a mess of thought
yet all that that paper ball did
all it did was bounce back
propelled me even further down
uncurled I stared at an empty white
torn and tattered with a furled slash of imperfect interior
and tried as I did
stare as hard as I could
torn and tattered, imperfect in the interior
the whiteness remained
staring back at me in an empty gape of incessant emptiness
and as much as I tried to smooth it
still the faults remained
cynically reflecting back at me
and, realization did then come to my eyes
as I stared into that glassy mirror
realization that I will always be fractured inside
imperfect in another way as well as another
always will I be numb
always will I have broken lines
and in spread cries
no matter how hard I try

I'm Here
I'm here
even if you pass my goodwill on by
I'm here
a shiny steadily glowing star just waiting
patience is my virtue as I stand
and view
and I'm here
a ghost to you, something more to those who try to see me
my appearance might be lacking
I might be a shy of the bunch
but, oh man, I'm here
can't you hear my cry deeply welled inside of my eyes?
one good turn encounters unto another
turn the lever won't you please?
or are you blind because I'm different
well, at least it seems?
but, you know what?
yeah, I'm here
I'm here
I saw your eyes go on by my face
admit it, wouldn't you please?
or did my glance accost you in another direction?
because, you know
I'm here
and I'm gonna stay
even if I may seem small
man, I've got it all
well, at least some of it
because, you know what?
yup, that's right
I'm here
standing right here
the one right there
see me?
got the view of me?
'cause, even if you're somewhere else
I'll always be standing here
smilling a welcoming gift into my hands
just waiting on an idle
because
don'cha know
I'm here

Ill Guilt
a piercing cry pronounced
bursting out in sudden proclaim
all its hate and pain that cry became
a twisted creature of evil decibels
expanding about in echoing disclaim
the cry shot out through the night
to my devious delight
shouted out plainly to sight it was
and as I hear it now
my fear I can feel inside, festering
and all my mind did say
is to run away
run as fast as I can
thus on I ran
fearing then what is done
guilt there is in my soul
for what I did that grim day
and no matter what do they say
for my life forever I afraid will I be
and always will I run away
and that cry
I hear it now
that cry, it is etched inside
replaying ever on
like a torturous melody
but the deed I have already done
my hands have been stained
and nothing did I gain
Vengeance?
no, only in my eye of uncouth rage
Pleasure?
nevermore, all I see is pain
insane
I have gone insane
and they hath come at last
the ones whom will claim me
the restrainers, the ones who are a knocking upon my very door
and now I see as they open the door
them wrapping chains around my arms
as I write this as I can evermore
I blindfold they have placed, no longer is vision a hostility
struggle I do all I can
but still away they take my writing hand
someone someday will see this that I hath writ
and struggle as much as I can will stay here and sit
and my hand
pain
thus away
they take
me

This is one of my weird poems, but it sounds cool. It sounds kind of like something Edgar Allen Poe would've wrote...

I have so many more to type up...I'll type 'em when I feel more like it...any comments would be good also...

[Rei]

I like them my favorite one is Enxit.

[Mnemolth]

Your poems show potential. But also that you try too hard. 'Plastic cape'? 'Surrounding declare'? Not quite right where they appeared. Don't try to impress, and if you're trying to emulate a particular style, keep it throughout the poem, don't chop and cut and switch. It destroys the flow.

Now it may be that you're trying a structure with stanzas and punctuactions, but its really really hard to do that well. In a short poem that may not be a porblem, in something like Paper Ball, its more than a distraction, it actually harms the poem. I'm not saying it can't be done in longer poems, but damn, you'd have to be good to pull it off. And by good I mean like a Prof of Lit or something! So either stay with short poems if you're going for that style or else break it up a little bit.

Also try to stay with an image or analogy or allegory. Don't jump all over the place. Again discipline is the enemy of most budding poets. ;)

Good point is that it seems you know what's good and what's bad, you have a decent grasp of the language and a liking for it. But do try to find your own voice. Be comfortable with it. Don't try to hack, chop, cut and paste.

C+

Cheers.

:devil:

PS: Hope I'm not too harsh. :blush:

[Mitch]

[quote]Also try to stay with an image or analogy or allegory[/quote] [color=red] My poems already have very very [i]much[/i] allegory, image, and analogies, you also forgot similies and metaphors. I'm not mad, it's just that not everyone likes my writing style. I know it can be improved and it [i]is[/i] being improved. Yeh, you were kind of harsh. But sometimes you have to to get your point across. My writing style is hard for some to understand, heck, my parents don't even understand half of my work. So your opinion is taken but it will not stop me from writing. I've always had very well placed gift with writing and nothing will stop me. I hope to become a professional, that's if my writing style can keep improving. I've only began to write seriously, so my writing style has very much room for improvment. But I thank you nonetheless for your opinion.[/color]

[Sara]

I agree with much of what Mnemolth said here.

A couple questions before I go on:

How old are you? And how long have you been writing poetry like this?

Don't take them the wrong way, it just helps me to try and get a framework of the author before I comment on their work.

Without knowing the answers to those two questions, then:

First of all, please believe me when I may not understand your particular feelings while you were writing these poems, but I am reading them as honestly as I can. In my experience, that genre of poetry usually comes from raw emotion, and that can be difficult to express. And while some phrasings are extremely well done, others seem to muddy where you're going with your poetry.

If you're writing simply for yourself, I won't harp on this point too much, but if you intend to write also for others, there are some things you should take into consideration.

Simpler is better. While any work of writing sounds more professional with more specialized wording [example, [i]gargantuan[/i] in stead of [i]big[/i]], it can be [and often is] overdone in 'amature' poetry. That is to say, no one is going to be able to handle 50 long words in 30 lines of writing. [i]"whispering, in my ear, a reciteful destruction packaged abound"[/i] means absolutely nothing to me.

I don't know if this will make sense to you, but I can interpret your poetry better than I can understand it. General emotions are pretty clear, or at least there, but the intricate wording muddies your point.

But as I said, if you're just writing to vent, feel free to ignore the above.

And I may be wrong, but I believe what Mnemolth meant was to stay with just one analogy per poem, or section, instead of changing direction multiple times. You do indeed have many elements of comparison in your work. I won't say [i]too[/i] many, but perhaps too many too close together.

Example: In Paper Ball, you stayed with the crumpled paper thing for much of it, then threw in a random line about a 'glassy mirror.' And while it wasn't a bad poem by any means, my first reaction there was: [i]Huh??[/i]

I'm Here reminded me very much of lyrics to a song, rather than straight poetry. Not good, necessarily, or bad, just a random comment.

Another thing that I see a lot of [not just in your poems, but in 'amature' poetry in general] is forced rhyming. And by that I mean lines that just don't fit together. It might not be just the rhyme, but the words used, or the rhythm, or any number of other factors.

__________________________________________________________

Okay, I went through [sufficiently bored person that I am] and messed with the first few lines of one of your poems. If you want to see me tear apart your work, read on. If not....heh.... I did this completely objectively, I've done it to stuff of my friends in the past. I've just found that working with other people's writing helps me improve my own, and I explain things better when I have examples to work with. So skip this section or accept it gracefully. Please don't take any offense or anything; none was intended.


The first two lines:

[i]a startled wind blows through my hair
a stagnant breeze of melancholy despair[/i]

don't feel right to me. Adding the third line,

[i]it blows all around in a surrounding declare[/i]

doesn't help. You may be going for a free form deal where meter doesn't matter, but it doesn't seem that way. It seems more like you're just rhyming depressing lines. Which is fine with me, but again, if you're writing for anyone other than yourself, or are looking to improve your writing caliber, you may want to consider trying to write a poem around rhythm, and adding rhymes in if they fit, rather than the other way round. Perhaps just as an exercise, or if you enjoy it and want to stick with it, that works, too.

Another note on those three lines: You used the word 'blow' twice. Unless it's a constant throughout the poem, or really adds something to the stress or beat, I'd try to avoid that. It's not something people usually notice at first glance, but it may tug at them, even if they don't know why. Redundance can be a pet peeve of mine.

Alterning the above lines a bit, and hopefully keeping the same meaning:

[i]a startled wind blows through my hair
a stagnant breeze of [b]dark[/b] despair[/i]
[i]it blows all around in a surrounding declare[/i]

Seemed to give it a more solid rhythm. But what about line three? I went into the next couple lines looking for what 'surrounding delcare' was supposed to mean. I wasn't sure if it was necessary to the poem, or just a word thrown in for a rhyme. Turns out you've got some stuff on the next two lines supporting it, so it's not just an easy rhyme.

Problem is, it's not exactly a rhyme. [i]Declare[/i] is a verb, and using it as a noun just doesn't work. It can only help your writing if you make sure to use words in their correct form. But again, [i]Declaration[/i] doesn't rhyme at all. What to do, what to do...

Okay, let's work with 'surrounding.' Good, simple word, but it seems to be hanging on 'declare' and I want to get rid of that. AND , I want to add a rhythm that fits with the first two lines. On top of that, the second 'blow' needs to be taken care of.

So with the idea of [i]surrounding[/i], there's [i]enveloping[/i] which may work. Enveloping what? The narrator. Okay, so we've got something along the lines of [i]Enveloping me [da da da da] declare[/i] Aagh, gotta get rid of 'declare.' The next line ends in 'away,' let's work with that.

[i]shouting out a whispered dream wilting away[/i]

Okay. Translated, we have a dying dream being announced. All else fails, trial and error:

With [i][b]away[/b][/i]
[i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away[/i]
[i]Declaring the dream as it's wilting away[/i]
Or possibly [i][b]decay[/b][/i]
[i]Crying out for the dream as it wilts and decays[/i]
[i]Declaring the whispered dream as it decays[/i]

Staying as faithful to the original verse as possible, we'll go with [i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away.[/i]

So now we have:
[i]A startled wind blows through my hair
A stagnant breeze of dark despair[/i]
[i]Enveloping me [da da da] day [/i]
[i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away.[/i]

You can replace [da da da] with any number of things. You've got a dream going away, so you could do something to the effect of 'at the breaking of day.' You could work with the concept of dark and use 'and hiding the day.' You could work with 'masking the day,' twisting the day,' or any number of other things, there.

Congratulations! You have reached the end of Sara's Pointless Poetry Workshop.

[Mitch]

[color=red]Ok, I'm only 15, 16 this October. I've only been writing seriously since about a year ago, so I have much room for improvement. I have taken no offense in what you have said, and I think the advice you haven given is very worthy. Because if I don't figure into my own style, and work out the kinks, then what is improvement? I didn't read everything you said, just skimmed some of it. I usually write to vent, and that comes to my best poems, but these few I have posted weren't for venting, just for fun. So I really don't think these are my best poems, or me writing at my best. Because, obviously, when I write and force myself to, I just can't write as well. I think it is this way for most people as well... anyways, I really would like to become a proffesional poet or writer or whatever, if it is possible, so any advice from anyone is open to me. I also think I need a more grasped understanding of grammar, as I think you mentioned. If anymore advice you have, go ahead. Thanks more than I can give.[/color]

[de1ayna]

Hmm....I am not much of a poem writer ...but I do try anyway I liked your poems mostly because of the way you made them "flow" ...and how you made it so the poems kind of told a story....keep up the good work XD