Writing I don't know what to call this

[Sara]

Not a letter, exactly. More someone you would see written by someone during class, in a freestyle poem form. I'd forgotten how much I love writing like this. It's been a while...

Q/C/C are accepted, as always.

[i]Meet me where the playground used to be
At our old school
Before they tore it down
And put in more parkinglot
And we'll walk
And talk
About how we used to be
And go over to the flagpole
Where the buses always came
And one year
I gave you my yearbook
And you signed it "with love"
And I thought you were crazy.

Meet me where the playground used to be
And where in Kindergarten
Under the slide
You taught me all the swear words
Even though neither of us knew what they meant
And the year
Everyone was talking about Cooties
And I didn't know what they were
But you got them by talking to boys.
Circle Circle Dot Dot...

Meet me where the playground used to be
And we'll walk down to the zoo
Where we always
Every year
Went for field trips.
And watch the fountain
In the fish pond
If it's still there
And if it's not, we'll go anyway
Because who wants to watch a fountain?

Meet me there
And we'll remember the things we've found
And the things we've lost
And the things we haven't yet
But maybe will
Soon.

Meet me
We'll go walking
And isn't life funny
And love.

Meet me
We'll go walking
And maybe tonight[/i]

[Na'dou]

Why don't you can it [I]Meet Me There[/I]?
That was an excellent poem Cera, did you get to read my story LoneHeart?

[Sere Tuscumbia]

*sniffle, sniff* You always were a great writer Cera . . . you really ought to do it more often! Keep up the good work! *saves it to her computer, and bounces out*

~!*Sere-chan*!~

[Mnemolth]

That's one of the better freeform poetry I've read on anime boards. :)

Its very sweet.

Of course everyone has their own interpretation so recommending titles are kinda hazardous. ;)

If it were me, I would call it something like 'Memories of daylight'

But then I would also change parts of the poem. The set up was good, flow was easy and coherent. In the first para 'And one year' broke the flow for me so I'd change it to 'And where one year', even tho prob that's not what you meant.

Of the second para I'd take out 'Circle Circle Dot Dot...', its cute and I'm sure heaps of ppl would disagree with me here, but I think its just a tad too self-consciously clever.

3rd para, I'd switch 'Where we always/ Every year/ Went for field trips' to 'Where we always/ Went for field trips/ Every year'. The style you're using is free form and conversationalist so it should be one continous smooth run without any breaks. In another form this would work, but in the form you've chosen I'm not so sure.

4th para, 'And the things we haven't yet/ But maybe will/ Soon.' doesn't really work for me either. again too convoluted a structure, keep it simple in accordance with the rest of the poem.
'And the things we still have/ But may not/ Soon.' works better I think.

Otherwise it was very well done. :D

A-

:devil:

[Lady Asphyxia]

Well, I thought it was great! You're really good at it. Most freestyle poems I try end up as a splogy mess that would probably be better as prose...

I really liked last two stanzas. Keep going...please?:toothy:

[Sara]

::laughs happily:: I'm glad you all liked it!

Actually, I guess I phrased the introductory paragraph wrong. I meant more along the lines of, I don't know what to call the form. It wasn't meant as a "love letter," but more of a note written. As for a title... Title isn't a matter of naming a thing, but finding the name that already belongs to something. I've been referring to it as [i]And maybe tonight[/i], though I'm leaning more towards something that refers to the poem as a whole, rather than one line. If it were to be a line, it definitely would be [i]And maybe tonight[/i], because of the question it has there, and the focus of the poem.

::bows to Mnemolth:: Heh. I agree, the circle circle bit needs to go; it was cut in my revision last night. I was a bit reluctant, seeing as that particular phrase is what started the idea, but it didn't fit with the finished product. It always amuses me when that happens. And I the "And where one year" bit, I must have skipped "where" when I typed it out, it [i]is[/i] broken there.

Third para, you're right, the switch would flow better. But I think I'll leave it the way it is; that was one of the quirks I liked about it.

Fourth para really takes what the poem is about, the idea of losing things (innoncence, in this case, I think). I want to keep the emphasis on the idea of losing things, rather than not having them.

Thank you so much, you're a lovely critic.

[Mitch]

[color=red] Oh, nice, Sara. Very nice. Also, seemingly personal yet broad at once. This one I really like. It has this fleeting memorical feel about it, like delving into your mind...and searching. Wonderful.[/color]

[vegeta rocker]

I would def go with meet me there....i like it. My free styles arent too good.

[AnimeAddict]

How about "Forgotton Memories" ? ? Just a suggestion.....

[conpiracymonki]

[b][size=1]
Wow, that was real good.
I'm not one for criticising, because I suck at noticing mistakes and such, but I thought that was [i]different[/i] from any other form of poem I've read that I can remember.

Two questions (which'll make me sound like a total idiot):
What exactly are the cooties? (I've wanted to know that one for a logn time)
And what does that [i]'Circle Circle Dot Dot'[/i] bit mean?[/b]

:whoops:

Sere, that still didn't help :p
(Look below peeps)[/size]

[Dragonstar]

:D COOL! This reminds me of something I read in year 9. Very cool.:D

[Sere Tuscumbia]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by AJeh [/i]
[B][b][size=1]Two questions (which'll make me sound like a total idiot):
What exactly are the cooties? (I've wanted to know that one for a long time)
And what does that [i]'Circle Circle Dot Dot'[/i] bit mean?[/b][/size]
:whoops: [/B][/QUOTE]

Yep, you sound like an idiot.

Cooties: Do you want the elementary term, or the real thing?

And the "Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot" is one of the "cootie protection" things. The little rhyme (or at least the one I learned . . . although cooties were something of an idiotic concept for me) was: "Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now I've got my cootie shot!" I'm sure there was more, but mainly, it was just a, if you got your "cootie shot" then you couldn't get cooties. Even though little second graders don't even know what cooties are . . . O_o;;

--Sere

[Sara]

[size=1]In this case, "cooties" would be some imaginary disease one caught from the opposite sex. And Sere's got the other part right.

Kids would make two circles and two dots on their hand, while chanting that rhyme. The other one was something like "Circle Circle Square Square, now I've got it everywhere." I think. Wow. That was a long time ago.[/size]

[vegeta rocker]

you mean to tell me that cooties aren't real? man have i wasted my life.