Can men really have friends?

[Charles]

[Quote][B]My friends have no friends. They are men. They think theyhave friends and if you ak them if they have friends they will say yes, but they don't really. They think, for instance, that I'm their friend, but I'm not. It's okay. They're not my friends, either.

The reason for that is that we are all men--ane men, I have come to believe, cannot or will not have real friends. They have something else--companions, buddies, pals, chums, someone to drink with and someone to wrench with nd someone to lunch with, but no one when it comes to saying how they feel--especially how they hurt.[/B][/Quote]

That was a passage from Richard Cohen' essay, "Can Men Really Have Friends?"

As many of you might know, women can quite freely and easily express themselves and enage in intimate conversation with one another. I know that such a statement is a stereotype, but it's generally true for most females.

They hug, they kiss, they cry together and talk about [I]what really bothers them[/I].

Men, generally bury their feelings, never truly indulging in intimate conversation. Again, I'm being stereotypical, but many men bury emotions. I suppose such behavior explains why so many men have high blood pressure or have a hard time managing anger.

If a woman has a poor sex life with their partner, they discuss it. Men would never do such a thing; they're always "living in the Playboy Mansion." They discuss sex as if it were sport.

Are men programmed to keep emotions to themselves, or is it something encoded in us--our nature.

Can men truly cofide in one another without feeling uneasy? I actually know a lot of people who claim that they cannot.

I think it should be interesting to know your answers: Can men really have friends?

I,for one, think that such subject matter is primarily an American issue; Men in Italy actually [I]kiss[/I] one another freely.

In America, if someone did that, they would be labeled homosexual.

[Edit]I just noticed a "Men Today" thread on this page, lol. I hope this isn't too redundant. But, it seems like that thread was dealing with men being "dogs." :drunk:

[Sara]

I don't suppose I could really say anything about male-male friendships, but I believe I'm friends--in the given context--with two guys. We're also buddies, goof off a lot...but yeah, we talk about serious things and what is bothering us, sometimes. Not a really regular event or anything, mind!

I have to admit, I'm really not good at talking to people about "[i]what really bothers me[/i]."

To be honest, girls confuse me more than guys....

[James]

[color=royalblue]

I can only speak for myself in this situation. Basically, I have some close friends who I share a lot of things with...and some friends who I don't.

It all depends on the individual. Some men act really macho and proud...and neglect to have any deep friendships with male friends.

So I guess I feel sorry for those people. But at the same time, I wouldn't want to generalize. It's all down to the individual. Some people are happier expressing their feelings...some aren't. *shrug*[/color]

[Mnemolth]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Cera [/i]
[B]I don't suppose I could really say anything about male-male friendships, but I believe I'm friends--in the given context--with two guys. We're also buddies, goof off a lot...but yeah, we talk about serious things and what is bothering us, sometimes. Not a really regular event or anything, mind!

I have to admit, I'm really not good at talking to people about "[i]what really bothers me[/i]."

To be honest, girls confuse me more than guys.... [/B][/QUOTE]

Well that's cos at least with guys you KNOW what they want... ;)

but back to the topic at hand....

Can guys have friends? Sure. But then if you are to redefine friendship to a very naroow context, such that it only refers to the kinds of friendships like that amongst girls, then I'd have to say probably not. But the premise is wrong. Friendship is not so limited.

You can know a guy, and know his feelings, and have a tight and close relationship with him without endlessly burdening him with your 'emotions'. Of course this is a contentious issue, but I believe its less likely that a girl can come between two male friends then a guy between two girl friends.

We share our feelings. We just do it differently than girls do. Girls shouldn't compare themselves to men, and men shouldn't compared themselves to girls.

A more interesting question, and one which would probably illicit great debate would be, whether guys and girls can actually be 'friends' with girls without any 'sexual tension'?? Now before you respond, think about that for a moment. :)

[Corey]

To CWB's Question: I'm a guy. I have a few guy friends that I can confide in, and some I can't. I have five good male friends that I disuss things with. I trust them and can talk about stuff with them.

To Mnemolth: I'm pretty sure that there can be. I have had a few friendships with women that have been nothing but sexual tension, on the other hand I've had more with women that I can just talk to without feeling sexual tension between us.

[Sara]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i]
[B]Well that's cos at least with guys you KNOW what they want... ;)

but back to the topic at hand....whether guys and girls can actually be 'friends' with girls without any 'sexual tension'?? Now before you respond, think about that for a moment. :) [/B][/QUOTE]::massages temples::

The more I think about it, the worse my headache gets. There are so many flippin' things that could qualify as 'sexual tension.' You mean anything in particular, or are you just being just vague and general and confusing again?

[James]

[color=royalblue]Of course a guy can have a friendship with a girl without having any sexual tension. Don't you think it's possible to have a close friendship with someone who you are [i]not[/i] attracted to?[/color]

[Mnemolth]

General, and vague and confusing? Who? Moi? *innocent smile*

I'd love to refer you to an old movie, When Harry Met Sally, but alas you don't watch TV. What a shame. Don't you know ALL the great lessons of life are learned through TV?? :D :D

And by 'sexual tension' I mean EVERYTHING.

I basically think its impossible for a guy to be 'just friends' with a girl. I'm not saying that the guy or girl is gonna do anything, I just happen to think its impossible for them to completely ignore their sexuality. Let's put it this way, if you lock a guy and a girl together in a room for a long enough period of time, chances are, they're gonna end up together. :)

[Foredaddy]

I have a couple true friends I can actually share those kinds of feelings with. Those are the best friends. Man I miss em. College can be fun, but I really miss my old friends.:(

[James]

[color=royalblue]I totally disagree with that. I've had friends who I've not at all been attracted to...and would never even [i]want[/i] to do anything with.

I mean, you could use that argument about anything. You could say "if I locked you in a room with another human (male or female) for your entire life...you'd eventually go at it like rabbits".

I can't speak for other people obviously...but with all my close friends, I see them more as a family member than something else. What you're suggesting would be like having sexual tension between a sister or a brother lol...that's the kind of friendship I have with close friends.

So, yeah...I hope that's making some sense. o_O[/color]

[Mnemolth]

All relationships are two way streets James. You may feel that way with your friends, but to dispell my theory, your friends would have to feel exactly the same way about you. And how would you know that's the case? :)

[Corey]

[quote]And how would you know that's the case?[/quote]

You could say that they have been completely honest and told you but I have found far to often that no one is completely honest, and will often lie.

[Kent]

I for one can tell you that I rarely have trouble expressing myself.
Actually, I should mention that the only time I really have trouble with meaningful discusion is when Im speaking with a lovely ladie.

As for guys kissing me and showing a phisical expression of emotion, I dont end up being involved with much of that. A hug every now and again, and once a random kiss on the cheek left me feeling uncomfortable.

really the first thing I thought of with this stuff was something that happend to me at a party.

You know that hand shake slash hug where you shake hands and then pat the other persons back.

One dude did that to me and as he patted my back he said with each pat, one word of this frase "Im not gay". three pats, three words.
It made me crack up then, it makes me crack up now.

[Transtic Nerve]

Well I dunno about straight men, but gay guys have friends. Because well... we act more like women, so we don't fall under how a "man" thinks. But I have friends... and I have FRIENDS... I have about 5 FRIENDS and about a million friends... so yeah.

I do, however, fail to see the difference between a companion and a friend. I suppose a companion would like.. go on journeys with you, when a friend wouldn't. I guess a companion would be better in my thinking.

But yeah... I trust only a few people... I associate myself with many more.

[RicoTranzrig]

[COLOR=darkblue]For me, it's kinda difficult to talk to other guys about my feelings, but there are a select few who listen in to my inner thoughts, and I consider them my close friends that I can trust...even though it took two years of talking about video games, TV, and other external stuff to build to that. I have a lot of female friends as well...but I don't confide in them except for one or two individuals. I am attracted to some of them, but I don't show it until I really get to know the person. Just like with my male friends...[/COLOR]

[Juu]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by James [/i]
[B][color=royalblue]Of course a guy can have a friendship with a girl without having any sexual tension. Don't you think it's possible to have a close friendship with someone who you are [i]not[/i] attracted to?[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=deeppink] [size=1]er... it better be..

2/5 of my friends are guys, and we're just... friends.
The new friends I've made in San Fran have pretty much the same personalities as my friends in Galveston, except with their own twist of personality. ^_-

Of course duh, there isn't any sexual tention, since my friends are either my age to sophmores... er.. I hope so.. o_O

As far as I'm concerned, I think it's definately possible to have a close relationship with those you aren't attracted to.[/color] [/size]

[Red]

[b]I have some very close friends, who I can tell pretty much anything at anytime, and vice versa.

Other "friends" I would never trust as much..

I do agree that generally I see men talking far less openly than women...[/b]

[Sui Generis]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Crazy White Boy [/i]
[B]That was a passage from Richard Cohen' essay, "Can Men Really Have Friends?"

As many of you might know, women can quite freely and easily express themselves and enage in intimate conversation with one another. I know that such a statement is a stereotype, but it's generally true for most females.

They hug, they kiss, they cry together and talk about [I]what really bothers them[/I].

Men, generally bury their feelings, never truly indulging in intimate conversation. Again, I'm being stereotypical, but many men bury emotions. I suppose such behavior explains why so many men have high blood pressure or have a hard time managing anger.

If a woman has a poor sex life with their partner, they discuss it. Men would never do such a thing; they're always "living in the Playboy Mansion." They discuss sex as if it were sport.

Are men programmed to keep emotions to themselves, or is it something encoded in us--our nature.

Can men truly cofide in one another without feeling uneasy? I actually know a lot of people who claim that they cannot.

I think it should be interesting to know your answers: Can men really have friends?

I,for one, think that such subject matter is primarily an American issue; Men in Italy actually [I]kiss[/I] one another freely.

In America, if someone did that, they would be labeled homosexual.

[Edit]I just noticed a "Men Today" thread on this page, lol. I hope this isn't too redundant. But, it seems like that thread was dealing with men being "dogs." :drunk: [/B][/QUOTE]

Stereotypically men really don't have men-men friendships very often. I was lucky to have one. Yes most men do bury their emotions, but I think a boy-girl friendship happens alot. Being with a girl you don't feel like you have to be cool. But when you are with a guy sometimes you feel pressured to be cool.

I think men can have friends, its just harder.

Yes I also think its possible to be really close friends with a girl without having sexual tension. You become more like siblings than peopel of the opposite sex. Its not that hard to be a great friend with a girl and not have sexual tension.

[Duo Maxwell]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Transtic Nerve [/i]
[B]But yeah... I trust only a few people... I associate myself with many more. [/B][/QUOTE]

That's my way of thinking with everyone, even my female friends whom stereotypically I should be closer to. I find it really easy to be friends with guys, they're heaps of fun to hang with.
I have only one female friend that I consider a friend, odd concidering the school I go to.

Guy's are however, from a young age, taught to be independent.("Boy's aren't as delicate as little girls") Meaning they shouldn't really rely on anyone when it comes to anything, But thats just being stereotypical.

[Mitch]

[color=red] Friendship is a very faulty thing. A[i] fragile[/i] thing. One second you can totally understand a friend and be best of buds, and the next second you don't know who the heck they are. I myself only have about two good friends that I will ever talk to about personal matters. I find that most men keep their feelings bottled within themselves until the tension has ammounted to so high a hill that they have to release it out at something. I would qualify as that type of guy I suppose, but I usually let out all my negative feelings in poetry and writing.

It seems to me that most men are really faulty when they talk about their feelings toward a more personal and intimate matter. They usually bend the truth into a triumpth over all of their negative feelings.

So if you were to ask me--can man have friends?--I would say certainly, but most of those so called 'friends' would only be falsely placed in most cases.[/color]

[Char!]

[b][color=teal][size=1]I'd like to think that men can have true friends, because then I'd wonder about everyone I kind of share stuff with.

Sorry about the shortness; I'm being rushed.


--Mike[/color][/size][/b]

[(<AA>)]

I don't have anyone at all in which whom I confide, my secrets are my own, but I can't see my self without my friends... Each of us (in my "gang") knows very little about each other. And as for Boy-Girl frendships, I've got lots of friends who are girls, but only 1 which I trust the most out of ALL my friends, boys and girls, and I can say that there isn't any sexual tension.

[Genkai]

well..... i didn't read the whole thing, so bear with me if i'm behind....

i think that friendship can only occur between men if it starts before about college.... efore we take on personas, get a twisted idea of reality, etc...

i dunno...

[Avalon]

Hmm...interesting. Many men I know have men-men relationships...it's just women kinda don't (well, the ones I know don't, including me). Many girls can trust some guys and can't trust their own sex. I know it's confusing but that's how I see it. I have many guy friends, who I am not attracted to, that I can trust. It's just that some girls can't be trusted and I rather trust a male than a female...though it depends. Remember, this is only an opinion, not fact. I know many females here on OB that I can trust.

[PiroMunkie]

[color=indigo]I would share what is going on with me with other guy friends if I knew I could trust them. Guys seem to not really connect on the level. I think it is kind of a matter of Unity over Loyalty. Meaning they'd tell their other good friends or "home dogs" something, even if it meant betraying another. Perhaps it is that guys don't really consider others' feelings because they view it as a sign of weakness. Most girls on the other hand are pretty much the opposite. Sure there is gossip, but I think that is used as more of a weapon rather than just casual talk. So when it comes to whether or not guys can talk to each other on a deeper and more emotional level, I shall just quote Benjamin Franklin:[/color][quote]"Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead."[/quote]


[color=indigo]On Mnemolth's sub-subject asking whether a guy and a girl can be friends without sexual tension? Absolutely. A majority of my friends these days are girls. I think of them as nothing more than a friend, and vice versa. If I was attracted to every girl I knew, I'd be a huge mess of tangled emotion and confusion.

James also makes a good point in saying that: "[i]... but with all my close friends, I see them more as a family member than something else.[/i]" I agree with that one hundred percent. I've known my friends (that are girls) long enough that we don't really see each other as a friend that is a guy or a friend that is a girl. I treat them as I would my brother (I'm not going to say sister, cause I hate my sister), or one of my other guy friends. I just see them on the same level as me. We fight just as a family would, whether it be just for fun, or something a bit more serious... and I don't really have any sexual tension with family... that's just gross, lol.[/color]