Writing "Choices of choice" a paper a wrote for English

[Mitch]

[i]?Choices of choice? [/i]
By:Mitchell Smith

We stopped at Albertson?s. ?Go and get some bananas,? my Grandpa said in his slightly stuttering voice. He handed me a five-dollar bill. As the crisp paper was received into my hand, I opened the door of his van. ?Alright,? I said casually as I stepped out into the sun lit pavement. I walked into the store and approached the produce section. Finding the bananas, I slowly searched for the ripest bundle I could find. After making my selection and paying for it, I walked back out into the hot summer day.

As I walked out of the store, directly to left of me, by the front doors, sat two transients. They were wearing heavy metal band shirts, and looked both about twenty or older. They looked like the dirtiest trash I had ever seen. Besides this first conception of them, I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for the life that they must lead. As I approached my Grandpa?s van, I strayed not one more glance as I pushed my feeling of sympathy aside.

Stepping into the van, I reached into the depth of my pockets and withdrew the various bills and coins I had received in payment of the bananas, handing them to my Grandpa. ?Thanks,? he said vaguely, receiving his payment. He was glaring at the transients, a look of remembrance plastered upon his face. I gave the transients another glance, now within the safety of the van. One of them was now smoking a cigarette. ?He got that out of the garbage,? my Grandpa said. As I stared at the transient smoking, the sympathy gave another brief piercing as I tucked it back away again. ?Did he really get that from the garbage?? I said questionably. After a brief moment of quiet, my Grandpa turned his head, an escaping look of remembrance leaving his face. ?Yup,? he simply said, turning his head again.

After a moment more, he ignited the ignition of the van, and the engine roared to life. We then backed out of our parking spot, and drove by the transients, straying a passing look as we did. ?That could have been you, Grandpa,? I said. From what I had heard of his past, he seemed to have started life off on the wrong end. He had been a bully, and gotten into numerous fights at school, home, and almost everywhere that he went. Sometime around his teens his Dad had given him a choice. A choice, which, as I saw it, would rule out the life which he would lead. The choice was to either go to reform school, or to go to barber school. To take his life and throw it away, or to make it into something. To take the easy path, or to take the hard. And even though it seemed he hated so many things, namely life, he had still made the right choice. He had chosen barber school.


This choice had changed his life for the better. He had then become a barber, working along side others. After doing that for some time, he had rented out his own barber shop, giving five dollar haircuts and being his own boss. It was at that moment that how hard of a life my Grandpa must have lived really became a truth into my mind, something which I actually saw. I felt a very keen sense of respect for him, one which went so deep into me that it became something which I could relate to and contrast into my own daily life. It gave me a sense of inspiration, a sense of if he could make something out of nothing, then shouldn?t I be able to if I have a will and an effort? Couldn?t even those transients make something out of the nothing that they had, no matter how small? And as she turned his wrinkled, admirable face toward me, I couldn?t help but feel that sense of deep understanding, of deep inspiration, that sense of deep respect. I don?t know if he felt it, but I certainly did. And all he did was simply turn his head, and said as if it were the easiest realization he had even known: ?That?s right, that could?ve been me.?

[Boo]

Thats something new :)
Its good :)

[Mitch]

[color=red] Thanks. We had to write a narritive story that is true and it had to have the senses in it and have dialouge...[/color]

[Charles]

Ah, I'm also writing a narrative. Maybe I'll show it to you sometime. Anyway, I'll help you make corrections on this because you were nice enough to read my story and comment on it. Plus, I know that you're an aspiring writer. ^_^

You might want to remove the adverb "slightly." My current writing teacher, claims that adverb usage can bog down the paper. Just say what you need to. Instead you could say "My Grandpa said with a slight stutter" or "My grandpa requested with his familiar, faint stutter." I like the repetition of "f" in that variation.

Your second sentence could be a tad better, just by reworking it a bit. "Accepting the crisp paper, I opened the passanger door." Either that, or just flip the sentence as so: "I opened the door of his van as I received the crisp paper. Mentioning your hand really isn't necessary--it's already implied.

Also, watch the "alright." If you want to impress your teacher, say "All Right."

Here's your second paragraph.

[B][Quote]As I walked out of the store, directly to left of me, by the front doors, sat two transients. They were wearing heavy metal band shirts, and looked both about twenty or older. They looked like the dirtiest trash I had ever seen. Besides this first conception of them, I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for the life that they must lead. As I approached my Grandpa?s van, I strayed not one more glance as I pushed my feeling of sympathy aside.[/B][/Quote]

Now, check out what I did with it.

"As I walked out of the store, I noticed two transients sitting by the front door, directly to my left. Clad in heavy metal band shirts, they looked like the dirtiest trash I had ever seen. Along with my harsh, initial impression of them, I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for the life that they must lead. As I approached my Grandpa?s van, I delivered not another glance their way, pushing all sympathy downward."

The next paragraph is pretty good. I only think that you should work on this part:

[B][Quote]As I stared at the transient smoking, the sympathy gave another brief piercing as I tucked it back away again. ?Did he really get that from the garbage?? I said questionably. After a brief moment of quiet, my Grandpa turned his head, an escaping look of remembrance leaving his face. ?Yup,? he simply said, turning his head again.[/Quote][/B]

You could say "...transient smoking, my sympathy gave way; I felt another pang of anguish pierce my stomach like a dagger."

Also, it would sound better with ?Horrified, I asked 'Did he really get that from the garbage??

Lastly, for that paragraph, "After a breif moment of quiet" may sound better as "After A brief moment of silence."

On that note, I'm quickly running out of internet time, lol.

I hope that you don't take my corrections as an insult or anything. They're suggestions, really.

I only took the time to make them because I like your writing. ^_^

[Mitch]

[color=red] I recently read [i]On Writing[/i] by Stephen King. He also says that adverbs after the 'he said/she said/it said' bog it down. This was only kind of a rough draft...so I'll do most of the changes which you pointed out, only I'll do them my way. Thank you very much for improving my paper...I mean you didn't have to..

EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention, the part you said about 'All Right'...I don't really see it necessary to change it since it is in dialouge, and dialouge doesn't have to be spelled correctly...you know what I mean.[/color]

Also here's the very final version...

?Choices of choice?
By:Mitchell Smith


We stopped at Albertson?s. ?Go and get some bananas,? my Grandpa said in his familiar stuttering voice. He handed me a five-dollar bill. Receiving the crisp paper, I opened the passenger door. ?Alright,? I said casually as I stepped out into the sun lit pavement. I walked into the store and approached the produce section. Finding the bananas, I slowly searched for the ripest bundle I could find. After making my selection and paying for it, I walked back out into the hot summer day.

As I walked out of the store, I noticed two transients sitting next to the front door. They were clad in heavy metal band shirts, and had various piercings about their misshapen faces. As I peered cautiously at them, one thought came to my mind: They looked like the dirtiest pile of trash I had ever seen. Besides this first harshly placed conception of them, I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for the life that they must lead. As I approached my Grandpa?s van, I pulled aside my feeling of sympathy, and gave no more glances in the transients? direction.

Stepping into the van, I reached into the depth of my pockets and withdrew the various bills and coins I had received in payment of the bananas, handing them to my Grandpa. ?Thanks,? he said vaguely, receiving his payment. He was glaring at the transients, a look of remembrance plastered upon his face. I gave the transients another glance, now within the safety of the van. One of them was now smoking a cigarette. ?He got that out of the garbage,? my Grandpa said. As I stared at the transient smoking, the sympathy gave another uprising as I tucked it back away again in my anguish. Horrified, I turned and asked: ?Did he really get that from the garbage?? After a brief moment of silence, my Grandpa turned his head, an escaping look of remembrance leaving his face. ?Yup,? he simply said, turning his head again.

After a moment more, he ignited the ignition of the van, and the engine roared to life. We then backed out of our parking spot, and drove by the transients, straying a passing look as we did. ?That could have been you, Grandpa,? I said. From what I had heard of his past, he seemed to have started life off on the wrong end. He had been a bully, and gotten into numerous fights at school, home, and almost everywhere that he went. Sometime around his teens his Dad had given him a choice. A choice, which, as I saw it, would rule out the life which he would lead. The choice was to either go to reform school, or to go to barber school. To take his life and throw it away, or to make it into something. To take the easy path, or to take the hard. And even though it seemed he hated so many things, namely life, he had still made the right choice. He had chosen barber school.

This choice had changed his life for the better. He had then become a barber, working along side others. After doing that for some time, he had rented out his own barber shop, giving five-dollar haircuts and being his own boss. It was at that moment that how hard of a life my Grandpa must have lived really became a truth into my mind, something which I actually saw. I felt a very keen sense of respect for him, one that went so deep into me that it became something which I could relate to and contrast into my own daily life. It gave me a sense of inspiration, a sense of if he could make something out of nothing, then shouldn?t I be able to if I have a will and an effort? Couldn?t even those transients make something out of the nothing that they had, no matter how small? And as she turned his wrinkled, admirable face toward me, I couldn?t help but feel that sense of deep understanding, of deep inspiration, that sense of deep respect. I don?t know if he felt it, but I certainly did. And all he did was simply turn his head, and said as if it were the easiest realization he had ever known: ?That?s right, that could?ve been me.?

[zidane11]

That's good. It's something new and I enjoyed it.

[Charles]

Yep, I know I didn't have to, but it's for my benefit also, since I now have to do this on a daily basis for my classes. It was like practice.

Anyway, yeah, they were only suggestions that [i]should[/I] be done in your way, in order to retain your voice. As for "All Right", I know it wasn't big, but as I said, you'll inmpress critical teachers.

I liked the revised one. It read well. The story itself is powerful, especially with the quote you ended it in. Very effective.

[Guest demlinos]

I will post my story that i am working on, tell me what you think!