Writing It's forbidden to fall in love

[youta moteuchi]

I'd like to hear some opinions about a couple of chapters of my manga storyline. (Sorry about the english thoug. I'm still trying to get the hang of it, hehe)

IT?S FORBIDDEN TO FALL IN LOVE

Prologue

He?s floating in the middle of void. ?Where am I?? he thinks. As those words pass through his mind a strong light comes from behind of him.
?Wha?.?
Then he is standing in front of a marvelous landscape, the land is covered by roses in bloom, here and there bushes of lilies, horquideas, and lots of beautiful flowers. The sun was declining at the horizon line, lazy. As he gives a step back because of the strong reddish light from the sun he tumbles in a stone that he doesn?t know from where it came. He falls over a soft bed of flowers.
He, now, can see a wonderful sea of black hair, coming from a mysterious woman. As she turns towards him, he can see her face: the beautiful dark hair, in perfect combination with her shiny eyes of the same color, floats around the perfect face, the reddish round lips. A light breeze was making her clothes move around her in a way that just accentuated her perfect form. The girl was none else than his great love, Luciana. As she noticed him she gave him a wonderful and at the same time funny smile. He flushes. A sweet heat passed tough his whole body, as usual. Then, he didn?t know if it was the flowers, the perfect sunset or her marvelous image that did he run to her and hold soft her hands.
?I love y?.? But as he started to say the magical words the sunset was gone, as well for the flowers and the wind. They were now surrounded by touchable darkness. Two light spots were lighted up over each one of them. From the darkness came a shadow; somehow it managed to be darker than the background by a way that you just could see its eyes, blue grayish evil eyes. It started to walk (or was it flying?) in Luciana?s direction.
?Don?t touch her!? He tried to say, but the words came out in a weak whisper.
The shadow took her hands into his as if they were a couple and started to walk away with her. ?No? he tried to scream and again just whispers. Without know what to do he saw that Luciana was walking with him, willingly. After a moment she turned to him, still walking, the hair flying by a way that all what he could see were her eyes:
?I?m sorry?.? He heard she say while a tear came from her eyes and fell, right before she disappeared in the darkness at the distance.
?Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!?
Now it was a scream and he was at his room, covered by sweat in his bed. Confused in the darkness of the room he could see some clarity coming from the light post in the street from the window. He moved the curtains and he could see the beautiful sky full of shiny stars.
? Luciana?, was the first thing that came to his lips. And the starlight shone upon a tear that lazy ran over the face of the boy. He closed his eyes and the only thing that he could think of were the shadows blue evil eyes. ?Luciana, I?ll protect you? yes I?ll. It?s a promise?.
It all happened when the clock was about to point the third hour of the morning.




CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

A drowsy student was walking on the sidewalk. He walked almost bumping into the people that were coming in the opposite direction. As he crossed the street horns and shouts echoed through the air.
?Gilson!Gilson! ? Another student a little bit taller and tan came running from the back, ?GILSON!? As he had no response from Gilson: ? What?s up whit you, guy??
Slowly, the other turned. His eyes were injected, full of red veins. ? Oh!? he said as if surprised with the guy at his side: ?Hello, Phillip! How are you doing?? Phillip almost fell over the floor: he didn?t listen his dozen of calls a while ago. ?Sorry, guy, I feel a little strange.?
?Strange, he says?? Thought Phillip.
? I couldn?t sleep a wink last night.?
? Everyone on the street noticed that, he he. Why was that??
? Bad dream with Luciana.?
? Nightmares with Lucy? That?s a thing that I?d like to have?? said Phillip.
Gilson did as if he didn?t hear anything. ? It started wonderfully: with flowers, sunset? everything was perfect, then all got pretty confusing and since then I couldn?t sleep?
? But why does a dream about Lucy bother you so much??
Now was Gilson?s time to be startled: ? Didn?t I tell you the last six months that I?m in love with her??
? Ahn! That! I thought that you had realized that she is a way out of your league??
? What?? A little vein pops in Gilson?s head.
? I said that I thought you had-
? I heard you. Are you really my best friend?? Said Gilson really angry.
? Of course yes!? Phil always has had this problem of saying unswayable things. ?I?m sorry, pal.?
They stopped waiting for the traffic lights to open.
? Okay, okay?.? He was already used to it. ?But be careful, okay? I had a horrible nigh- ops!?
A pair of hands came from behind covering Gilson's eyes. It was the usual game that they had called ?Guess who is it??
The boy flushed at the moment that he felt the hands. It was she. The smell of soap and perfume got into his nose. He could feel her breasts touching his back. He got a little shy, afraid that his heartbeats could be heard for someone, especially she.
Then he started waving his hands to his back as if looking for something. When he founded it he gave a little boy?s smile. As the whistle of a little puppet been pressed was heard he said: ?LU-CI-A-NA!!!!?
Then the hands, the wonderfully soft hands, were put away from his face, and he could turn to admire the girl into blue jeans and a uniform tee shirt. She was forcing a funny angry face, although he knew that she wasn?t angry at all.
? How does it come that you always guess that it?s me?? She said doing a little thing with her inferior lip, by a way that it made she sound like a little girl. ? Do you love me or what??
He choked.
? Yeah, that?s pretty muc- ouch!? Phil started to say. But stopped as Gilson gave him a little punch in the belly.
? He he, of course not. I?m already in love with another person?? He said trying to set the things all right again.
? Who?? Said Luciana full of curiosity.
It took him a while to speak: ?Sarah!?
? Sarah who?? She and Phillip said in unison.
Gilson pointed to a poster of the national music pop star in a commercial of shampoo. He had his little boy?s smile again when he adds: ? And I know that she falls for me too!?
It took another while to Luciana to get the meaning of what he said, when she did she got really mad: ?I thought that you were been serious. If I just get you.?
The traffic light got open in the exactly moment that they crossed the street running madly, she chasing him to give him a little punch on the head. Phillip just gave a little smile when he heard from the distance a scream of pain. ?Yeah! She got him.?
The school?s buzz sounded, saying that it was five to one o?clock of the afternoon.
Lots of students ran to get in in time for the first class.

[RicoTranzrig]

I really like the Prolouge because it made me wonder a lot. The first chapter's blank?? But the part at school was a little confusing to follow...does the story alternate between dreams and adolecent reality?

[Raiha]

[COLOR=seagreen]Cool!

Drama, excitement, ROMANCE! Keep going....I love stories that have a mix of love and violence.[/COLOR]

[Ravenstorture]

[color=darkgreen][font=gothic]Even though I'm female, I know exactly what that's like. Man, that's good... is english not your first language?

(luciana, hmm... for all of those who actually know me, keep your mouths shut.)[/font][/color]

[youta moteuchi]

I didnt write anything else (its hard to have time to practice drawing And elaborate your story AND type it with the job that I got in a cafe)But, I have some drawings that I would like to spare. That one is Lucianna (in the center of the picture). She may look a little bit different right now because I did this picture last year but its okay.

Thank you all for your support, and I promisse new chapters next week.

PS: Yes, english is my second language. I'm Brazilian, what implies that I speak portuguese.