Writing Fictional Narrative for school

[Mitch]

[color=red]"Forest of Fog"(Rough Draft)
By: Mitchell Smith

As I sat in the back of Mick's run down '87 Crown Victoria letting my mind wander, Mick suddenly broke my focus of pensiveness.
"So, what're you gonna do when we get back?" he asked. I put up my head, losing my train of thought, and replied.

"Not sure, Mick. I'll probably just relax."
"Sounds like a plan ta me."

After our short conversation, I regained my pensive train of thought. As I did, time seemed to begin to slow down to a blurred crawl, and my eyes slowly grew heavy with exhilaration. I am unsure of when I drifted off into my deep sleep, but when I awoke, the then light-filled day had turned into a foggy shadow of a night.
As I awoke from my deeply netted sleep, I first noticed Mick's door was ajar, and then that he was gone. I then saw the foggy night which had come while I slept. A fear then began to chill into my mind, but I firmly held it down within my mind. Mick had most likely gone out to go to the bathroom, I assured myself. It had to be as simple as that.

But still, the fear needed a drink of the truth to cure its thirst. So I then took my shaky hand and hesitantly opened my door. Stepping out into that strangely creepy fog, I panned into the distance of the fog looking for any sign of Mick. The fog was so deep that I could only see a few feet ahead. It looked like I was on the outskirts of a small forest directly by the highway. It seemed to me rather odd that Mick would stop, but I tried not to let that gain acceptance into my mind. And as I panned around, I found no sign of Mick.

"Mick! Mick, are you out there!" I screamed. No answer, nothing. Just silence. An utter and devastating silence that ate away at my already thinly contained fear. And already I could feel my fear slowly fizzing out, contradicting my complete unwant of it. Yet still I sought to quell it all I could. "Mick, if this is a joke, it isn't funny!" I screamed yet again, my voice echoing this time with the power of my voice, as no answer was returned.

I then slowly decided upon walking through the small forest, seeing if I could find Mick by luck of chance. I first retrieved Mick's emergency flashlight from his glove compartment, then I was off on my way. As I entered the dark forest, holding out my flashlight as if it were a protector, I called Mick's name a dozen more times, with no answer each and every time. And that is when the noise started.
It was an intermittent noise, going from high to low, high to low. It sounded as if it was a roar, but at that time my fear was about, creatively creating images of what the thing might look like, so I am unsure if what I believe it sounded like was truly what it sounded like. All I remember is that it was the most ferally fearful noise I have ever heard. It seemed to chill upon my spine and mingle within my deepest paranoia.

It was torture just to hear the roar as it echoed throughout that forest. Pure torture. My fear was immediately snapped into action, and terror was all that I could feel pounding throughout my body. I then began running meanderingly, sensing that the creature that had made the roar was getting closer. As I ran, panic trodding throughout my body, I tripped over what looked to be a root from a tree, and I then ran head on into the creator of the root.
I then awoke to find myself back in Mick's car.

The door stood again ajar, as if by some replaying of the torture I had just lived.[/color]

[TheDarkOtaku]

You have a natural talent Mitch. Keep posting stories and I'll definitely read them. :)

[Mitch]

[color=red][size=1] Well, here's the final....[/size]
"Forest of Fog"
By: Mitchell Smith

As I sat in the back of Mick's run down '87 Crown Victoria letting my mind wander, Mick suddenly broke my train of deep thought.

"So, what're you gonna do when we get back?" he asked. I put up my head, losing my train of thought, and replied.
"Not sure, Mick. I'll probably just relax."
"Sounds like a plan ta me."

After our short conversation, I regained my pensive train of thought. As I did, time seemed to begin to slow down to a blurred crawl, and my eyes slowly grew heavy with exasperation. I am unsure of when I drifted off into my deep sleep, but when I awoke, the then light-filled day had turned into a foggy shadow of a night.

As I awoke from my deeply netted sleep, I first noticed Mick's door was ajar, and then that he was gone. I then saw the foggy night which had come while I slept. A fear then began to chill into my mind, but I firmly held it down. Mick had most likely gone out to go to the bathroom, I assured myself. It had to be as simple as that.

But still, the fear needed a drink of the truth to cure its thirst. So I then took my shaky hand and hesitantly opened my door. Stepping out into that creepy fog, I panned into the distance looking for any sign of Mick. The fog was so deep that I could only see a few feet ahead. It looked like I was on the outskirts of a small forest directly by the highway. It seemed to me rather odd that Mick would stop, but I tried not to let that gain acceptance into my mind, lest it augment my already growing fear. And as I panned around, I found no sign of Mick.

"Mick! Mick, are you out there!" I screamed. No answer, nothing. Just silence. An utter and devastating silence that ate away at my already thinly contained fear. Already I could feel my fear slowly fizzing out, contradicting my complete unwant of it. Yet still I sought to quell it all I could. "Mick, if this is a joke, it isn't funny!" I screamed yet again, my voice echoing this time with the power of my shout, as no answer was returned.

I then slowly decided upon walking through the small forest, seeing if I could find Mick by luck of chance. I first retrieved Mick's emergency flashlight from his glove compartment, then I was off on my way. As I entered the dark forest, holding out my flashlight as if it were a protector, I called Mick's name a dozen more times, with no answer each and every time. And that is when the noise started.
It was an intermittent noise, going from high to low, low to high. It sounded as if it was a roar, but at that time my fear was about, creatively creating images of what the shouter's appearance might have been, so I am unsure if what I believe it sounded like was truly the way which I perceived it. All I remember is that it was the most ferally fearful noise I have ever heard. It seemed to chill upon my spine and mingle within my deepest paranoia.

It was torture just to hear the roar as it echoed throughout that forest. Pure torture. Through that piercing terror, my fear was immediately snapped into action, and that fear was all that I could feel pounding throughout my body. I then began running meanderingly, sensing that the creature that had made the roar was getting closer. As I ran, panic trodding throughout my body, I tripped over what looked to be a root from a tree, and I then ran head on into the grower of the root.

As I awoke from my unconsciousness, I found myself back in Mick's car. Slowly I came to my senses, and I realized the door stood again ajar, as if by some replaying of the torturous event I had just lived. [/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred] Mitch, that really good. I'm glad you got rid of (for the final draft) the two 'pensive' words. In the last two lines, I suggest you get rid of 'then' [/color]

[quote][i]Originally posted by Mitch[/i]

[color=red]I then awoke to find myself back in Mick's car. The door stood again ajar, as if by some replaying of the torturous event I had just lived.[/color][/quote]

[color=darkred][quote] [i]Rae's suggestion.[/i]

I awake to find myself back in Mick's car. The door stood again ajar, as if by some replaying of the torturous event I had just lived.[/quote]

It isn't big, but those are my thoughts.


Well done. [/color]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Yes, good suggestion, Aspyxia, I'll change it. I do admit I did overuse the word then, but I had to because 1)I was writing in first person, and 2) this is a recount of an event that the unnamed character which I created is experiencing.

Oh, and I'd like to ask one thing. What did you think happend at the end? Do you believe he was dreaming, ect, or do you have your own theory? Oh, and did you like how I left the ending for the reader (you) to decide what happend?[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[B][color=red] Yes, good suggestion, Asphyxia, I'll change it. I do admit I did overuse the word then, but I had to because 1)I was writing in first person, and 2) this is a recount of an event that the unnamed character which I created is experiencing.

Oh, and I'd like to ask one thing. What did you think happend at the end? Do you believe he was dreaming, ect, or do you have your own theory? Oh, and did you like how I left the ending for the reader (you) to decide what happend?[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=darkred]Yeah, I overuse then in first person, too. Or under use it and make the whole story sound choppy. I hate writing in first person, and you did that much better than I could.

To me, it sounded like he was dreaming, but instead of just a dream, more of a divination-type dream, where it shows what could happen. I [i]really[/i] liked the way you ended the story. It made me think, and my mind was almost twitching to write more and end the story myself, but I honestly don't feel like writing anything at the moment (my brain has turned to mush). The way you ended the story sort of shows that its the end, but lends itself to extension. I know when I'm reading a book that I'll put it down and make up what happens next. However, in letting the story finish like that, you didn't do it so 'cut off' like that the reader is left with a feeling of it being unfinished, or wanting to [i]really[/i] know whats ahppening next. For instance, have you read [i]Letters from the Inside[/i] by John Marsden? He cut that story off, and it infuriated me, because there was [i]no clue[/i] as to where the story could have gone. It didn't leave you any way to extend the story. This does.

And is anything I just said making sense to anyone but me?[/color]

[vegeta rocker]

I applaud you Mitch, the fear you invoke in such a short narrative is quite.....cool, for lack of a better word.

[Corey]

Gosh... You never cease to amaze me.
I love the ending. Twist endings are the best. They make you think about what might/could/should happen.

And everything you said made sence Asphyxia, and I concur with everything you wrote.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred] Yes! I am coherent![/color]

[Kinetic]

[color=darkblue]
I finally got around to reading this :p It's a great story! It is short, but it serves its purpose. The ending is good as well, but it seems like it could be a bit more dramatic. Or maybe you could express your fear more or add some more to the story. Great job besides that!
[/color]

[Guest Musahi]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[B][color=red] As I did, time seemed to begin to slow down to a blurred crawl, and my eyes slowly grew heavy with exhilaration.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE] [size=1]How can your eyes grow heavy with exhilaration. When yours eyes grow heavy it basically means that you are going to fall asleep. Exhilaration is when you are getting exited. So what is the deal with that?[/size]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[B][color=red]I then began running meanderingly [/color] [/B][/QUOTE] [size=1]Again, meanderingly means going slow, like taking a long time to get there, how do you [i]run[/i] meanderingly?


Other than that, great work Mitch! I hope to read a bit more of your work in the near future. :)[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] You are right on the first. That was well...I was thinking of exasperated, but for some reason, I thought it elsewise...thanks for bringing that up.

Meander, can, as you said, mean to side-track, but here it means that he ran not in a certain path, because he was very frightend. But thanks, I didn't see that.[/color]