Writing an english assigment...

[Dragonz Fyre]

Casualties of War

Picture this, standing on a beach running for your life,
Everything around you dieing, causing you strife.
Your friends and family fall to the floor,
Each of them dead, casualties of war.

You?re hiding in your mud hole,
You?re by yourself, alone, the only sole.
You have to get up and you have to survive.
As the enemy shoots at you, which side is right you are trying to derive.

Can you honestly tell me you don?t care?
You think to yourself, it happened before, I don?t have to bear.
Can you honestly tell me you don?t understand?
You don?t understand why they gave their lives for their land?

They died for the cause to save our lives,
Some fought for their children, some fought for their wives.
They want us to care because if we do,
They know we?ll be grateful, for they did it for you.

They still have the nightmare of seeing another?s grave,
They still see the dead faces of the ones they couldn?t save.
They still hear the blasts and the bombs and the sound of a gun,
They still remember dodging and having to run.

Some died in the battle field, some died in a ward,
Some lied on the ground, screaming ?SAVE ME LORD?
Those unlucky millions who never made it home,
Some say their still here, the fields they roam.

Some of the ones that made it through those hard times,
Are trapped in a mental ward, forever screaming rhymes.
The others that made it out of that hell,
They round up their grandchildren, with stories to tell.

So next time you see one of the veterans walk by,
Stand and salute, and you might even cry.
Because it?s the presence of them that make us see,
The terrific thing they did for you and for me.

[vegeta rocker]

It needs some shaping and little adjustments but it i like the idea. Just clean it up and it could be really great. Oh yeah i also question some of the words you use in it. For example, the line; Everything around you dieing, causing you strife. I didn't quite get the use of strife. Since it means,
1. Heated, often violent dissension; bitter conflict.
2. A struggle, fight, or quarrel.
3. Contention or competition between rivals.
4. Archaic. Earnest endeavor or striving.
I got the impression of sadness in that line and i wasn't sure strife would suffice. Unless that was your intention to use strife as saying that it breeds conflict within. If it was i apologize.
Save some spelling errors it is quite good.



------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Dragonz Fyre]

heh, well, I'm not the best poet. Nor am I hte best user of grammar. I thought that strife meant saddness, so thats why I used it. Sorry.

[Empathy]

*shrugs* You're fine with spelling and grammar when you put your mind to it...besides, its another great poem, although as a bestfriend's point of view, you should try to revise and edit...*has to start following her own advice* ^_^;;; anyway, it was real great so keep writing Cass!....*has run out of thins to say so decides to sit in a corner*

[Sui Generis]

Personally I really liked it. Of course I like any poem that is decent, but thats beyond the point.

Personally even though you used Strife meaning sad I think it makes sense in the line so you got lucky :-p

The only spelling I found in there (wasn't looking to hard) was sole. From what I believe you are trying to say it should be S-O-U-L. But that just be a mistake in my reading.

Tiny parts of it kinda rip out of the flow of the whole poem, but that could or couldn't be bad. If you want you can revise that, otherwise (personally I wouldn't) you don't have to revise it.

The only thing I'd try and work on flow wise is the sentences...

"You have to get up and you have to survive.
As the enemy shoots at you, which side is right you are trying to derive."

....Only reason I say you work on that is it seems to completely throw off the flow for a bit. But yet again its not a big deal...


ANyways nice job! Yeah I had to take some people's advice and start critisizing abit (sp) so don't take any of this as offending or anything.

[vegeta rocker]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Dragonz Fyre [/i]
[B]heh, well, I'm not the best poet. Nor am I hte best user of grammar. I thought that strife meant saddness, so thats why I used it. Sorry. [/B][/QUOTE]

nobodies perfect, except Vegeta.

[Makai Kite]

I thought The Great Saiyaman was perfect! XD

[vegeta rocker]

At the risk of going off topic i will say this;
Saiyaman is nothing......that is all.